Cameron Diaz

Cameron "I'm Always Traveling For Cock" Diaz thinks that some of us grow up believing that we will all meet that one person we will want to spend the rest of our days with. That one person who will give you the awwws in the heart during your first kiss, and will still give you the awwws in the heart 60 years later when they accidentally shit in the bed. Cameron really isn't into that mess, and says that maybe we should be on the hunt for a bitch to fuck for the next 5 years instead of 80 years. If Cameron said "5 days," she would've mouth farted the new ho shit motto!

Cameron tells Stylist Magazine (via USA Today), "I think the big misconception in our society is that we're supposed to meet the one when we're 18 and we're supposed to get married to them and love them for the rest of our lives.Who would want to be with the same person for 80 years? Why not break it up a little bit? ... Have someone for five years and another person for another five years. Life is long and lucky and yes, love might last forever, but you don't always live with the person you love forever.""

It's true that the only thing that wants to spend the rest of its life with Cameron Diaz is a bottle of Proactiv, but maybe the trick has a point. We're in the Golden Age of WHORES (YAY!!!), so it doesn't take much for us to get thirsty for another set of genitals. Is there really a peen or poon out there that you'll still want to lick on in 30 years like it's a scoop of Chocolate Malted Crunch ice cream from Thrifty's?

I would tell CHERYL BURKE that she's the most luxurious mop in the bucket if Mah Boo Anderson Cooper agreed to flash his Vanderballs at me. But do I really want to look at Mah Boo's peen for 80 damn years?.........Wait....Where was I? My train of thought just crashed into a field of silver and I'm not getting back on.

Here's Cameron Diaz with Tommy Girl at the London premiere of Knight & Gay last night. Look at Tommy stand on his tippy toes in his platform heels! Stretch, girl, streeeeeetch...

Tommy Girl will drop to his knees at the whisper of a zipper heading down south, yet he can't fall a few centimeters to the floor to properly pay tribute to the ageless dusty Spanish rose that is La Duquesa de Alba! The same goes for that clown-faced Cameron Diaz!

Duchess de Alba did not beam down all the way from her summer casa on Qo'noS to be disrespected like this! Look at Tommy and Cameron smiling like they are one of her. Delusional assholes! If Duchess de Alba took shits (there's not a drop of waste in her), she would shit out prettier nuggets than Tommy and Cameron combined! This just confirms that Cameron and Tommy are the opposite of human, because any mere mortal instantly gets faint when they breathe in the blessed air dancing around Duchess de Alba's ethereal curly field of the dried tears of a million virgin angels. Cameron and Tommy are both guilty of treason and I hereby sentence them to a life without COCK.

While I write up their sentence on a scroll with a silver peen, curtsy while clicking through pictures of Spain's most exquisite and rarest gem. I also threw in a few pictures of Stepford Katie just in case Duchess de Alba's sheer beauty is too much for you to handle. Stepford Katie and Tommy Girl's public displays of fakeness will bring you back down.

Cameron Diaz is the Kate Hudson of blonde actresses. Or is it Kate Hudson is the Cameron Diaz of blonde actresses. It's a little of both, because Cameron and Kate will both go through airport security and fly thousands of miles just for a piece of the dick pie. Cameron admitted this to Playboy (via HuffPo):

"Oh gosh, I can't even count how many times I've gotten on a plane for love. It's not unusual in this business; my lifestyle demands it. I'm always traveling for [whispers] cock. You've got to go where it is."

And I'm pretty sure many genitals (including several cocks) are on a plane right now to get far far away from that picture of Cameron.

According to UsWeekly, Justin Timberlake is maliciously torturing his girlfriend Jessica Biel by flirting with his ex Cameron Diaz on the set of their movie Bad Teacher. And according to me, UsWeekly is maliciously torturing us by using a picture of Cameron Diaz on their cover looking like she's about to send a dark cloud of locusts after us before retreating into a bottomless pit. But this post is not about that. So just step into a circle of sea salt, and let's move on...

Several sources tell UsWeekly that Justin Timberlake knows by working with his ex-piece on a movie, he has cut a wound into Jessica Biel's heart. And apparently, he keeps pissing on that wound by tickling the pepperonis on Cameron's face. One source said, "He tortured Jess by taking this role, and they are reaching a breaking point. The truth is, I don't know if they can survive this. There's lots of laughing, making fun of each other, kidding around off camera. Cameron's sassy with him -- and slick, prancing around in tight clothes."

A different source said that Justin doesn't "respect" Jessica anymore, and even makes fun of her ass with his friends when she's not around.

Why does this sound like some shit we'd hear in the quad during morning break while painting each other's nails with Wite-Out and colored markers? Or if you were that kind of bitch, while sniffing Wite-Out and colored makers.

Jessica is built like Groundskeeper Willie, so if Justin really hurt her feelings, she should just activate her Hulk rage and punch square him in the chocha. It wouldn't solve anything, but at least she could say she punched Justin in the chocha.

And yes, I'm still holding a crucifix up to that picture of Cameron Diaz while typing with one hand.

OK! Magazine is saying that manskank A-Rod has replaced Kate Hudson with Cameron Diaz as his part-time fuck partner. Apparently, A-Roidy and Cameron dry humped and slobbered on each other at a Super Bowl party in Miami on Saturday night. Where was the dog catcher with a garden hose when we really needed one?

The witness-type said that a drunk ass Cameron was freaking on A-Rod all night, “A-Rod and Cameron have been totally hooking up. They were having a great time. Cameron was grinding on A-Rod.”

Cameron Diaz should not be grinding on A-Rod at some party. Cameron shouldn't even be at a party to begin with. Cameron should be at the doctor's office to figure out why her face looks like a week-old pizza slice that has been reheated in the microwave. Bitch's face is melting! Although, grinding on A-Rod could be the cause of that.

Here's A-Rod and Cameron posing with two leather daddies on Saturday night. Tommy Girl must have let out an after-butt-sex queef while this picture was taken, because Stepford Katie looks like she's in the middle of a face seizure.

Cameron Diaz and Tommy Girl shot a movie together like four eye blinks ago, and there's already a trailer out. It's called Knight & Day, which is a title I do not appreciate. I mean, that title should be reserved for the inevitable feature film starring Kath Day-Knight from Kath & Kim:

Okay, I guess I shouldn't be too bitched (I accidentally wrote that instead of "pissed" and it's staying) off since it's not called Day & Knight. But still.

Anyway, the trailer looks like something you've seen a million times before. While watching it I couldn't stop thinking about how they made Tommy Girl the same height as Pizza Face.

My guess is that Tommy Girl was rocking his Louboutins to give him BIG GIRL HEIGHT! Tommy Girl can kick, stretch and kick in his Louboutins. Suri taught him well.

Damn. Look at Tommy Girl puffing out those succulent tits while manhandling Cameron Diaz on the Boston set of Wichita yesterday. Tommy almost looks like a big butch top! Almost. Maybe this will convince Will Smith to let Tommy tame his hole next time. Naw, probably not. Tommy still looks like a kitten wearing a strap-on.

And you know deep down, Tommy wants to be the one wearing the frilly yellow dress. Truth is, his chichis would probably look better in it than Cameron's.

When you're looking for a quick piece, most of us go to Craigslist, AdultFriendFinder, the bar at Howard Johnson's or a random alley. Not Cameron Diaz. That bitch just goes to her IMDB page and picks out which former co-star she's going to grease up! Cameron has already allegedly been through Leonardo DiCaprio and Jude Law. And now, The Sun is saying that Cameron was out on a date with everyone's favorite flea nest Keanu Reeves and she was trying to impress him with her hamburger swallowing skills. Sucioness.

A witness-type said, "They looked very cosy. Cameron was stuffing her burger in her mouth and playing up the fact that she has that wide mouth. Keanu was laughing - it was strange to see him giggling like that as he's regarded as a bit serious."

Yes, because a Pizza Face stuffing a mound of ground beef in her mouth is really going to make Keanu's dick butter sizzle. Unless the dude is into scat, that shit is not going to turn him on. And if Cameron wants to show off what a fatty fat fat mouth she has, all she has do to is say something.

Leonardo DiCaprio and Jude Law are both wiping zit semen off of their nutsacks, because The Sun claims they are both playing around with Cameron Diaz.

Apparently, Cameron started her tour of wonky hairlines last week when she bumped it with Leonardo DiCaprio in London. A source type says that Leo is ready to pass his peen around after recently splitting with Bar Rafaeli. The source went on to say, "Cameron has been showing a lot of interest while he is in London filming. She was back at his rented apartment in Knightsbridge, west London, a couple of times last week after a series of secret dates. They were joking with friends that they played chess together."

As for Jude, Cammy was seen leaving a club with him in London on Sunday night. The same source who is yapping about the Leo shit said that Jude is trying hard to get a chance to pop Cameron's pimples with his wang, "Jude and Cameron have been good friends since they filmed The Holiday together a few years ago. Now they are both single, things are a bit different between them. Jude has been flirting with her and she has been playing along."

You know, I can't help but think at how hot a threesome starring these three would've been like 10 years ago. But now, thinking of Pizza Face Diaz rubbing it on these two just makes me hongray for a salami sandwich on sourdough with extra Thousand Island dressing.

Tommy Girl's creamy pits (to match his creamy Scientolohole) and Stepford Katie's giant muffin face (made with barley, of course) came out to support Cameron Diaz as she received her star on the Hollywood Walk of FAIL yesterday.

You know, I'm trying soooo hard not to stare at the Scientology-made second trimester pillow under Katie's shirt. Please don't tell me there's an alien robot baby stewing in some test tube in a lab in the middle of the desert! Maybe that's why Tommy's arm 'ginas can't stop jizzing? The tiny crazy is excited knowing that he will soon have a new robot baby to parade in front of the world.

Speaking of terrifying, Cameron Diaz's FACE! What in the stuffed crust pizza hell did she do to her face? It looks like Botox is her new favorite topping. Bitch looks like a week-old stale calzone.