Cameron Diaz

Here's the red-band (aka NSFW) trailer for Bad Teacher, which stars A-Rod's part-time roid pimple pincher as a gold digging, weed smoking high school teacher who is trying to win a bonus so that she can buy titty bags and win the heart of a rich substitute played by Justin Timberlake.

Yeah, I know you liked this better when it starred Jack Black and was called School of Rock, but is it wrong that I'd probably sneak into this after buying a ticket for a more respectable movie like Mr. Popper's Penguins? The trailer promises a cornucopia of fucks, limited amounts of Justin Timberlake, Jason Segel's ball sack, child abuse and Cameron Diaz doing what she does best: puffin' that good shit pipe. It can't go wrong (but it probably will anyway)!

via Mocksession (Thanks to Ray for giving me the heaves and singeing my taste buds )

But that could also be his "ACK! I always pull A-Rod's key out of the bowl" face.

The definition of random paid a visit to Miami Beach last night when former President Bill Clinton had dinner with a group of people including A-Rod and Cameron Diaz. Bill got the chosen seat facing the wall of paps, so naturally we received the gift of a glorious gallery of expressions from Bill. Facial expressions like:

"Your mouth sure is purdy. I am so hypnotized by it that I have no idea that I'm about to eat a pancake lettuce wrap."

"If I rub faster, will your chest grow?"

"Your mouth sure is purdy (Yes, I'm still on that). How about you, me and a cigar get a room together somewhere?"

"Ha! The cigar shop is all closed up. Good thing I've got this thumb. It'll do the trick!"

A-Rod and Cameron's date with Bill comes just one day after she admitted to George Lopez that she loves that sticky icky feeling, so that sort of explains why these these three are together. It would also explain why Bill's got Willie Nelson eyes....and why he ate a pancake lettuce wrap. Damn. I have to try this "not inhaling" shit, because Bill looks like he's having the time of times!

Cameron Diaz and A-Roidy supposedly have one of those fuck-by relationships. You know, she flies into town, jumps on his dick, rides it until her face pimples bust a nut and his titties get dizzy, hops off and then goes on to the next. CASUAL, right. Well, shit is so casual that Cameron is now hanging around with A-Roid's kids in Mexico for the week. What is Cameron doing?! Get in, get on, get off, get out... Don't ask how their day is, don't ask who those cute kids in the picture on their nightstand is, don't ask anything! I thought Cameron knew that shit, but yet here she is entering into "auntie" territory. Confiscate her ho shit credentials now!

And not only that, but now A-Roid's daughter is traumatized beyond repair because she's seen Pennywise in the flesh and without his make-up on.

Meanwhile in Miami.... I guess A-Rod cut his salmon jerky rendezvous short, because here's Cameron Diaz holding on to him the same way the baddest butch in the cell block holds on to her latest prison bitch. Keep your bitch close, Cam!

Here's more of A-Rod and Cam looking as if Ponch and Larry from CHiPs found real love after the latter got gender reassignment surgery.

This is why the world will never make sense. A-Rod can casually flaunt his ripe and juicy mango slices out in the open while Cameron Diaz has to keep hers clothed or face LIFE IN A MEXICAN PRISON!!!!!1!!!1! (I type that like it's a bad thing). Cameron's chichis obviously want to be seen, because look how they are slowing inching towards her back knowing that's where the damn sun shines! Not right.

Anyway, here's Cameron and her sometimes piece A-Rod hosing each other down in Mexico over the weekend. Cameron is killing me softly with her array of facial expressions. Bitch looks like the Joker channeling Greer Childers.

Yeah, I know that could be Calista Flockhart and Khloe Kardashian in the pic above for all you know, but the "these two" I'm talking about are Cameron Diaz and A-Rod. Here's Cameron Deeznuts and A-Roidy sunning their chichis on a boat in Miami yesterday afternoon. The last time I checked, Cameron was off that roid dick and was running her nipples through Matthew Morrison's hair. But I guess she must've missed raspberrying A-Rod's succulent chesticles and came back for more.

We've all got those fall-back pieces we sometimes call up for a quick pick me up (or a peen me up in most cases). Although, for some reason mine only text back with: go eff something else i hate u diaf. Texting hard to get, I know!

Those two little girls had to piss in a Playskool Go Girl, sleep on the sidewalk and try to freshen up their glorious Ann Jillian 'dos with a hand fan and their mom's folding brush. They did all of this just so they could meet their style icon SURI CRUISE at the Tokyo premiere of Knight & Gay, but look showed up instead? Some bitch who looks like he got lost while trying to find the Middle-earth glory hole. They want their money back!

Normally, I'm allergic to little kids kicking, screaming and crying, but I completely understand where these two are coming from. The kid on the right has every reason to throw a "LET ME AT THAT HO" tantrum, and her father should really let her go. The only thing better than watching a kid scream at Tommy Girl is watching two kids whoop his ass for not bringing Suri. I'll hold their pocketbooks while they do that.

At the US Open yesterday, Asshole Simpson let the free booze go straight to her head and carry her off to the top of a bar in Missouri where she threw up her hands to Skynrd while fat truckers in flannels threw jukebox tokens at her. Bitch, you're at a tennis match, not at a church funeral with my relatives (my relatives always find a reason to drunk dance). Sit your ass down next to Emo Gilligan over there.

Where was Grandpa Decorum of the US Open to charge at Ashlee and put an end to her foolishness?

Cameron Diaz, who always behaves like a refined lady at all times, was obviously not amused by any of this (or maybe she just let out one of those super slow beer farts):

Here's more of Ashlee working for those camera clicks in front of Pete Wentz, Cammy, A-Rod, Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale.

Wearing a dress cut so damn high that you could practically see if A-Rod's a nibbler or not, Cameron Diaz showed up to her 38th birthday party at a restaurant in NYC last night just a few minutes before he did. Cameron has never admitted that she's popping A-Rod's roidy ass pimples every night before they spoon, but she doesn't have to since this shit is obvious. You can practically smell it on her fingers.

But you know, Cameron is smart for not telling the media that A-Rod is popping her face pimples with his peen (he's a gentlemen who always returns the favor) before they spoon, because it won't be long before she's on to the next piece. Who's Kate Hudson boning again? Yeah, Cameron will be on his ass as soon as Kate skips off to the next one. It's a cycle...It's a cycle...