Boring Couples

Mandy Moore and Fleabag McGreasy jumped on the shot gun bullet train and road it all the way to the alter in Savannah, GA on Tuesday. Their talking bitch confirmed this all to UsWeekly. Mandy and Ryan barely announced their engagement last month.

Try not to swallow your tongue when Mandy pops out a baby hipster in a few months. A little baby hipster who is really moody-like, is allergic to shampoo and will tell you they have no money when the bill for their two beers arrive (you know who you are).

I really, really hope Mandy's vows were the lyrics to Candy. That is some good shit.

Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady became dick bag and wife in Los Angeles today. They married in a Catholic ceremony! My abuelita would clutch her rosary and pass out at this news! She didn't think any celebwhores should get married by the Catholic church, because they get divorced after their first hour of marriage. Dark-sided! If she knew the ho shit I did around a Catholic church, she would probably try exorcise the devil out of me. The devil ain't going nowhere. Bitch owns prime real estate in my body.

Anyway, back to those two pieces of boiled broccoli. Gis and Tom started dating in 2006. They reportedly got engaged on Christmas eve, but Gis denied it. Well, Gis is a major lie-teller now.

UsWeekly says that 28-year-old Gis wore an ivory Dolce & Gabba--- Oh, who gives a horse's floppy dick what that bitch wore! Tom should have worn a giant S over his forehead because he's a slutbag (and not in a hot way) for cheating on knocked up Bridget Moynahan with Gis. You know, I bet Gis has got a baby in there and that's why they got married. Gis better not get too attached to her new husband, because around her 6th month, homeboy is going to catch the next whore train out of there.

Most of us figured Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck would give their new kid a flower name since their first daughter is named Violet. So it's not really surprising that they used Rose as her middle name. But her first name is Seraphina! Jen's spokesbitch told People that they named their week-old daughter Seraphina Rose Elizabeth Affleck. YES! Jen and Ben are still two boring pieces of boiled broccoli, but I've just added a little melted cheddar cheese on top of them for naming their daughter Seraphina!

Seraphina Rose sounds like the name an aging gothic stripper who works the "50 cent beer" shift at some truck stop club. I absolutely adore the name! Although, I once got food poisoning at a restaurant named Serafina.......

I just hope Jen and Ben don't call her Sera or I'll have to scrape the melted cheese off of them.

Lisa Bonet (see below) isn't the only ho making baby announcements this week. 53-year-old Kevin Costner's pepaw spermies successfully knocked up his trophy wife Christine Baumgartner. BABIES!!! And we were doing so well without all the new baby news.

Kevin's spokesbitch tells Star Magazine that she will pop out their second baby this Spring. The two are happy, blah...blah...blah.. I'm sure she's fucking thrilled. Money in the bank! A gold digger's job is never done.

Kevin and Christine already have a 1-year-old son together they named Cayden Wyatt Costner. He has three other kids with his first wife.

A friend of Kevin says life is fucking amazing for these two drips. "Kevin is really in a good place in his life and enjoys being a father and family man. They have an amazing house in Santa Barbara overlooking the ocean with lots of land to play with their growing family. Kevin is perfectly content, playing golf, eating delicious meals, drinking good wine with friends and being a dad!"

Are you still awake? I apologize for this boring post about two bores. I should have just put up a picture of a boiled zucchini. Maybe I can redeem myself with this video below. Skip to the 2:45 mark. That table is an honorary Hot Slut!

Thanks Edward

This is not the baby name I've been waiting for, but here we go! Marky Mark and his fiancee Rhea Durham had a son a couple of weeks ago and we now have a name. Are your ass cheeks on the edge of your seat? Get ready. You might want to hold on to something. Life & Style reports that they have named him Brendan Joseph. Yeah, you can go back to eating your Bacardi and oatmeal.

Naming their son BJ is living on the edge for Marky and Rhea. I was expecting something like Brian Michael or Michael Michael or Marky Mark Jr.. Little BJ joins Ella Rae and Michael as the Wahlberg children.

What I really, really want to know is what is Jason Lee's daughter's name!? She was born almost two months ago and nobody has reported on a name. Reporters everywhere need to drop everything and go undercover to find out that child's name! I better not see Barbara Walters on "The View" this morning, because bitch should be on the case! She owes it to the world to find out how Jason Lee topped the name Pilot Inspektor!

Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon didn't exactly become best girlfriends after shooting "Four Christmas" together. Would you expect them to? Reese is a frigid prude who never curses and Vince Vaughn is a big ball of grossness who probably farts in his hand and smells it on a regular basis.

Reese and Vince will reunite for the movie's promo tour and she's not looking forward to it. A friend of Reese's told OK! that she thinks Vince is the "biggest child she's ever met." That means a lot coming from her, because I'm sure Jakey Poo has his own all-pink playroom in her house where he stores all his Barbies and My Little Ponies.

The friend went on to say: “Promoting a movie involves long hours, and she’ll have to spend a lot of time with someone who gets under her skin. Reese is professional — she’ll grit her teeth, fake a smile and pose for pictures — but she’s not looking forward to it.”

Riddle me this, doesn't Reese always grit her teeth, fake a smile and pose for pictures? The friend forgot to say that she'll clench her vagina too. Bitch is so uptight! It probably takes her a few hours to shit, because she just can't release her ass lips. Reese just needs to smoke a bowl and relax! When Vince does something nasty like rub his boogers on her forehead, she should laugh it off and wet queef in his drink.

Sominex's couple of the day alert! Mischa Barton and Josh Hartnett left Bungalow 8 in London last night and headed straight for his hotel. Hopefully, Mischa's stupid ass skipped the hotel library and went directly to his room. It might have been what I like to call an "Easy Pass lay," because The Daily Mail reports that Mischa was seen leaving his hotel one hour later.

I knew it! Josh looks like one of those types that barfs before reaching the toilet. You know the types. Orgasm robbers. They make everything so akward. They stand there, holding their weepy junk, apologizing for cumming before you even get started. You really want to curse them the fuck out and hit them with a phone or somethin. As they clean their sorry asses up in the bathroom, you piss in their shoes as punishment. No, I'm not speaking from experience. Yes, I'm lying.

Anyway, Mischa and Josh make sense to me. It was probably just one night of non-passion, but they work as a couple. They both have the personality of a wet piece of Styrofoam.

Even Cameron Diaz can't believe she's had her pizza face on the same dude's sausage for this long! You can tell by the look in her eyes. I think she's picturing someone new just to get her through the day. It's skill #235 in the hardcore slut's handbook on how to try and be monogamous. Although, I guess if you have to be stuck with a stale sausage, you'd want to be stuck with Paul Sculfor's.

Here's Pizza Face and her stale sausage being gross in NYC today.

Carrie Underwears and magical dolphin person Michael Phelps have planned their first date. The two haven't met, but started texting each other after Michael heard Carrie thinks he's "cute." Off topic: Can someone please make Carrie an appointment to the optometrist. It's time for a check-up.

Anychinfuckers, a source told The National Enquirer (via PopCrunch) that Michael doesn't want their first date to involve any eating. WTF. He apparently wrote to Carrie, “I’m not so sure you’d want to see me eat! It might not make a great first impression.” Not see him eat?! What the hell kind of first date is that? Eating is the only thing I do on the first date and I'm not talking about food.

The source also said that Carrie is a little hesitant to start dating again. “Carrie needs someone who is going to stick by her. She was devastated when her relationship with Tony Romo broke. The last thing she needs is a relationship with another high-profile celebrity who’s going to end up loving and leaving her.” Who said anything about a relationship?! Just take a ride on his dolphin fin and leave it at that.

It's best if she just leaves it at that and uses plenty of protection! Can you imagine these two reproducing? Carrie would pop out Rumer Willis' chin.

I can't keep up with Cameron Diaz. She's like Kate Hudson to me. I have no idea who she's bumping fuglies with at the moment. Well, I guess she's still doing sexy times with Jennifer Aniston's ex, Paul Sculfor. Page Six reports that the two were spotted being all slutty and shit at the Four Seasons in the Maldives.

A source said, "They snorkeled, kayaked, and she ate like a horse." I think the source meant to say that she "ate like a whore." How do whores eat exactly? Well, we don't use utensils and we moan a lot while shoving food down our deep throats.

Anyskanky, the source also said Pizza Face Diaz wore a "chunky ring on her left ring finger." This is not what you think! It's not an engagement ring! Kate Hudson has the same ring. It's a "slut ring" with a special alarm on it to alert you when you've been with a dude too long. It's going to go off any minute. Then Cameron will start dating Lance Armstrong and Kate will start dating Paul. It's inevitable.