Jessica Biel

There they are! As soon as Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel announced that their bond of love has been cut with the razor sharp falsetto notes shooting out of his mouth, I just knew it was only a matter of time before that Mila Kunis talk got a bigger spot on the stage. The rumor going around is that Mila washed the Macaulay Culkin off of her with Justin's saliva, but E! News says that they are only flirting with each other after working together on that Friends with Benefits mess. In this day and age, you can't flirt without bodily fluids so a big "UH HUH" to this shit.

A source type who knows Mila says they are keeping things friendly, "Justin is very interested in Mila. They've been flirting, but so far nothing has happened."

Reps for both Mila and Justin had nothing to say about this.

A different source tells People that Justin and Jessica stopped licking each other butts, because they simply grew apart. It had nothing to do with Mila or anybody else. Cut to the source: "There really wasn't a final straw. They're just two people who realized they wanted different things in life and were headed in different directions."

Yeah, he was headed for more famous poon pastures and she was headed for the weight room, because...well..she works out a lot and is usually heading for the weight room.

If "flirting" leads to Mila and Justin posing in staged photo-ops that end up in the corner of a Star Magazine cover, then I don't know what to do with her! Going from Kevin McCallister to a second-tier Mickey Mouse Club member?! Child star downgrade. Will somebody please point Mila in the right direction by texting her Chunk's number.

As you ice your fist after punching this truly punchable portrait of Justin Timberlake, Jessica Biel has hiked up her parts and hit the ho stroll because the bitch is single. UsWeekly has confirmed that Jessica Biel has returned Justin Timberlake's dick in a box for a final time. This is the opposite of surprising for two reasons: a) Justin Timberlake probably screeches like a hyena on helium singing in falsetto when he cums and a bitch can only take so much of that. b) Justin Timberlake is most likely getting in Mila's Kunis. Anyway, here's the joint statement that Jessica and Justin released together:

"Addressing the media speculation regarding Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake’s relationship, we are confirming that they mutually have decided to part ways. The two remain friends and continue to hold the highest level of love and respect for each other."

Hopefully, this means that Justin Timberlake will slip on his Canadian tuxedo and woo Brit Brit Spears back. They're love is written in the stars on the Peter Pan ride at Disneyland. And I really hope that the Jessica Biel "lesbian" rumors go to the next level. Seriously, Jessica Biel and Michelle Rodriguez desperately need to get together in a totally non-lesbian way since they are both non-lesbians. They'd scissor until their pussy bones popped out of their sockets. Yup, MRod so needs to be Jessica's rebound.

This week, the department of Passing the Peen brings you a cover story from UsWeekly about how Justin Timberlake's dick cried a river of man chowder all over Olivia Munn while Jessica Biel was thousands of miles away. Now, the name Olivia Munn doesn't pull anything out of me, so for those of you who know her better, check all the boxes that apply: [] skank [] bore [] dumb [] trash [] other, describe here ____________

A source that Justin and Olivia, who does shit on The Daily Show, first met at a MySpace event last month in the back of Avenue in NYC. They both decided that they wanted to sniff each other's parts later on so they exchanged phone numbers. Olivia must not be a whore to the core, because the source says she was wary about humping on another chick's piece. But Justin had that one figured out and lied to Olivia when he told her that he was no longer with Jessica. That's all Olivia needed to hear, because they got it on the next two nights at The Gansevoort Park Avenue Hotel. The source says they were "openly affectionate" at the hotel and later had "amazing" sex.

Okay, I was right there strolling next to the source until they said Justin and Olivia had "amazing" sex. How do they know this? Did the source have a deep Skype conversation afterwards with Olivia's pussy? Did they get a written statement for her exhausted clit? Did they talk to Justin's prostate (because you know he keeps a finger condom in his pocket for a little poking)?

And for some reason, I don't think Jessica Biel will care much. When she heard about this, she probably lifted her face from the ass she was nuzzling and barely let out a "meh".

According to UsWeekly, Justin Timberlake is maliciously torturing his girlfriend Jessica Biel by flirting with his ex Cameron Diaz on the set of their movie Bad Teacher. And according to me, UsWeekly is maliciously torturing us by using a picture of Cameron Diaz on their cover looking like she's about to send a dark cloud of locusts after us before retreating into a bottomless pit. But this post is not about that. So just step into a circle of sea salt, and let's move on...

Several sources tell UsWeekly that Justin Timberlake knows by working with his ex-piece on a movie, he has cut a wound into Jessica Biel's heart. And apparently, he keeps pissing on that wound by tickling the pepperonis on Cameron's face. One source said, "He tortured Jess by taking this role, and they are reaching a breaking point. The truth is, I don't know if they can survive this. There's lots of laughing, making fun of each other, kidding around off camera. Cameron's sassy with him -- and slick, prancing around in tight clothes."

A different source said that Justin doesn't "respect" Jessica anymore, and even makes fun of her ass with his friends when she's not around.

Why does this sound like some shit we'd hear in the quad during morning break while painting each other's nails with Wite-Out and colored markers? Or if you were that kind of bitch, while sniffing Wite-Out and colored makers.

Jessica is built like Groundskeeper Willie, so if Justin really hurt her feelings, she should just activate her Hulk rage and punch square him in the chocha. It wouldn't solve anything, but at least she could say she punched Justin in the chocha.

And yes, I'm still holding a crucifix up to that picture of Cameron Diaz while typing with one hand.

Somebody kindly lead Garry Marshall to the nurse's office so he can lay down with a warm towel on his head, because he's obviously not right. He's rambling on and on about how he's going to do a big screen version of Laverne & Shirley with Jennifer Garner and Jessica Biel in the title roles. I mean, Garry obviously mixed up his medications or something.

During press junkets for that Valentine's Day crap, Garry joked out about how the chemistry between Jennifer and Jessica is so strong that he thinks they would make a wonderful Laverne & Shirley. It was all just jokes then, but now it's becoming a reality. Garry tells TV Guide (via Coming Soon) that he is working on a modern version of L&S, and has asked Jamie Foxx to write the script. I'm telling you! Pepaw's talking craziness, and needs to lie down now!

Garry said, "Jamie and I are trying to do it. He's writing it. It's a whole different modern day take on how they came up on the streets during difficult times. Laverne would be this very tough girl with a big 'L' tattooed on her arm. Jennifer Garner would play Laverne and Jessica Biel would play Shirley."

WTFWTFWTFWTF. Let's say you put an obese raccoon, Justin Bieber, a toothless troll, Jesse James' fuck couch and Jennifer Garner in a line-up. Let's say you then asked me to pick who should play Laverne in a movie version of Laverne & Shirley. Jennifer Garner would be my last choice. Don't get me started on Jessica Biel.

And Jamie Foxx writing the script?! Garry, if one of your life goals is to win more Razzies than anybody else, you are headed in the right direction.

At least somebody was in the mood for love (in the form of a greasy grope from an obese producer who promises to get you a part in the next Bradley Cooper movie) at last night's Valentine's Day premiere in Hollywood. I really have no idea who this Anna Kulinova swan is, but it doesn't really matter. Googling her name is not going to make me relive all the emotions I felt when I first laid eyes upon her in this stunning frock. This is the true meaning of VD (Valentine's Day)!

I doubt Jennifer Garner, Jessica Beeeeehl or any of the other boring Js at this movie premiere spent their entire night making a figure skating costume out of old taffeta found in the trash can outside of Bobby Trendy's condo and a Fredrick's teddy. Barney's does not carry a dress that makes your nipples look like they are bleeding lace. This is a one-of-a-kind creation!

And you know what makes Anna even more special? The fact that she's smiling like she has no idea her shoes don't match at all! The cab driver must have been one inpatient motherfucker, because he forced Anna to grab a random pair of shoes from her stripper roommate's closet. She wears them beautifully.

Here's more of Anna and the people who only showed up to bask in the glory of her beauty. They are: MiserAlba, Garcelle Beauvais, an overdressed Jessica Biel, Patrick Dempsey, Barbara Eden, Jennifer Garner, McSteamy and Noxzema Girl, Anne Hathaway, Ashton Kutchie with Demi Moore, Shirley Maclaine, Julia Roberts, Emma Roberts and a bronzer-faced B.Coop.

So how does Justin Timberlake's favorite strap-on operator keep her sessy body looking like that of a pit bull on too many internet-bought lady hormones? She throws food away! Jessica Biel said that she keeps herself on a version of Mimi's infamous (and delusional) "morsel" diet. Jessica can eat whatever she wants, but just small portions of it.

Jessica told Manhattan Movie Magazine (via Showbiz Spy), “You have to find a balance, especially with what you eat. I don’t live by the idea that you can’t allow yourself a treat. I say, ‘Eat things you like, but eat them in smaller portions’. I always cut things in half and send them back. I’m not perfect, I don’t always do those things, but that’s the goal.”

Jessica, feed the children, not the garbage cans! FOOD WASTER! Seriously, Joan Crawford needs to rise from the dead to school this ho.

And obviously, Jessica uses that same "smaller portions" philosophy when it comes to choosing peens.

Now I know what Justin Timberlake sees in Jessica Biel. Bitch is hung like a killer whale with low hangers that rival Cisco Adler's (just go to the darkest part of your brain to remember that picture)! At least I think that's what is going on in her private area. Either that or Jessica suffers from Elephantiasis of the crotch.

When did Jessica Biel become such an asshole? Does this have something to do with the fact that she's sucking on Justin Timberlake's soggy tampon? I mean, Jessica already said that she's too beautiful to get auditions (aka her massive low hangers get in the way). Now Jessica is saying that she spends a long time getting ready every day, because she knows the paparazzi follow her and she doesn't want to see fugly pictures of herself in magazines.

The DVD actress farted to Allure Magazine (via Showbiz Spy), "It's wonderful to do what I do, but everything that goes with it? It's bizarre. The invasion of privacy is very tough. I am followed all day, every day. Going to the dentist, the cleaners. I guess I could look like shit going to the dentist, but only if I didn't care what I saw in the papers."

This hag should be thankful that she's in ANY magazine besides back issues of the Pitt Bull Reporter. And I'll leave the rest of my comments to myself and just let the picture above do all the talking.

Or is it 2 dudes, 1 dog? Or 3 dogs? Any of those work.

Justin Timberlake looks so happy he could queef. He always has bitch face. Jessica Biel should use a bigger strap-on his ass so he would loosen up some more.

And who the hell did that to Jessica's hair?! It reminds me of when my mommy gave my sister a haircut when we were little. My mommy took the kitchen scissors in one hand and my sister's bangs in the other hand and chopped them in one swoop. It left my sister with asymmetrical bangs that were too short! That poor bitch looked like an Emo gayelle.

Maybe my mommy is moonlighting as Jessica Biel's bang-cutter. Bang-cutter. That sounds really gross and inappropriate.