Jessica Biel

Speaking of meaningless titles that magazines give, because why not?

TIME celebrated their 100 Most Influential People at a gala in NYC last night and one of those most influential showed up looking like a terracotta Siamese Cat figurine covered in oil-based lacquer. You might be wondering how exactly is Xtina one of the most influential people of the year? Well, Xtina has influenced many to not wear leggings out in public and if you're going to wear leggings out in public, make sure to not bend over in front of a camera unless you want your ass to look like two baby warthogs butting heads under a Hefty bag. Xtina is also extremely influential, because she has influenced people to bleach the life out of their hair and throw all the make-up on their faces if they want to look like a demure oyster. And she's also influenced me to immediately buy a red lips mic stand, because it looks like a giant string of anal beads inspired by Mick Jagger's mouth.

See, Xtina is influenza (Freudian typo) in so many ways!

And here's the other most influential influentials being all influential at Time's most influential gala. Influentialness in order: Influentialtina, Lena Dunham (looking like one of Sleeping Beauty's fairies gone wrong), Robin Thicke's stand-in with Jessica Biel, Claire Danes with Hugh Dancy, Frank Ocean, Mia Farrow (wearing an outfit from the fashion label DontGiveAFuck) with her son, Mark Burnett with Roma "Touched By A Plastic Surgeon" Downey, Jimmy Fallon with his wife, Olivia Munn, Tracy Anderson, my mom's boo Dr. Oz and Barbara Walters.

Gerard Butler's constantly wandering dick has a serious case of ADD and needs to constantly jump from one cooch to another, but some source tells Radar that he wished he would've shoved a Ritalin pill up his peen hole and settled down with Jessica Biel. Gerard and Jessica dated for a quick minute while she and Justin Timberlake were on a break, but it ended because she wanted to get married and pop out babies and he's a high level man whore who gets the shakes if he doesn't dip his peen into a new piece every five seconds. But Gerard regrets not stopping his slut ways to get into it deep with Jessica, because he's lost his chance and he'll have to wait forever for another chance (or he'll just have to until she eventually divorces Justin in a couple of years). The source said this about Gerard's feelings:

"Gerard doesn’t have many regrets but not treating Jessica with the respect she deserved while they dated is one of them. He genuinely believes she was the one that got away. Jessica liked Gerard a lot, she was into his boyish nature, but she wanted something more serious. She was ready to settle down. [Gerard is happy that Jessica married Justin] but he still thinks he missed out. He just wasn’t man enough to admit the feelings he had for her at the time."

When I think of things that got away from Gerard Butler, I usually think of shampoo and a bar of soap, but now I'll think of Jessica Biel. I'm sure Gerard Butler will never get over this and he'll have to drown his sorrows in random chocha to temporarily forget about Jennifer, Jessie, Joshua or whatever her name was (Gerard's words not mine). But Gerard should feel better knowing that whenever Jessica finds an old tub of Parkay in the back of her refrigerator and starts to clean off the margarine crust stuck to its lid, she'll think of all the times she had to use a spoon to scrape the layers of dirty dick butter from the roof of her mouth after giving him a beej. At least they'll always have that.

Here's Mr. & Mrs. TimberBiel putting Operation Damage Control into action by handing out stuff to the victims of Hurricane Sandy in Far Rockaway, Queens over the weekend. 

Lainey Gossip had a blind item yesterday about how some friends of a multi-millionaire celebrity couple played a very touching gift at their reception. The friends got together and asked various homeless people, drug addicts, street musicians and transsexuals around Los Angeles to wish the multi-millionaire celebrity couple a very happy wedding and to express their sadness about not being able to make the trip to the $6.5 million wedding in Italy. Well, today Gawker has the answer to that blind item. It's TimberBiel!

Justin Timberlake's real estate agent friend Justin Huchel (who looks like this) played the over 8 minute-long video at the wedding. Gawker has a piece of it. Gawker says that a lot of the people in the video are obviously homeless and obviously hooked on the wrong stuff, because they're slurring and barely coherent (aka me if I had to sit through Justin and Jessica's wedding). Gawker went on to say this:

The 8:30 video was premised on the idea that they were friends of Timberlake and Biel’s who, for whatever reason, couldn’t quite swing the trip to the Borgo Egnazia resort in Puglia for the nuptials, which were reported to cost $6.5 million. ‘Greetings from Your Hollywood Friends Who Just Couldn’t Make It,’ reads the opening title card, ‘Featuring Sid, Chuck, Robert, and More!’ Sid, Chuck, Robert, and others appear to be penniless and living on the street. Some of them are obviously intoxicated, mentally ill, or both, and at least one of them is entirely incapable of speaking

Another glassy-eyed apparently homeless man woozily tells the camera, in a lengthy and rambling monologue, "Jeez I miss you so much. I wish I could be there." ("There" being the $1,000-plus a night Italian resort hanging out with guests like Jimmy Fallon and Andy Samberg. "Here" being behind what looks like a McDonald's.) Others mumble unintelligibly in response to questions about when they last hung out with Timberlake and Biel. When one shirtless man says he saw them at the L.A. Coliseum, the male voice asks, "were you performing with them?"

So there was Jessica, Justin and their rich friends, covered in diamonds and laughing at the vagrants as they sipped $3,000-a-bottle champagne that was cut with blended $100 bills and sapphire dust. They laughed laughed laughed! That's some depression era shit. When Gawker asked Justin Huchel for a comment, Justin Huchel's lawyer commented with a letter threatening to sue if a piece of the video, which was supposed to be a joke, saw the light of the internet.

I'm sure TimberBiel will donate their entire $300,000 from People to a homeless shelter in L.A. I'm sure.

But seriously, what low-life pieces of tacky trash for laughing at barely coherent, toothless messes. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go watch episodes of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.

For those of you who are still grabbing onto 2000, here's the closest you will ever get to seeing Justin Timberlake and Brit Brit's faces under the word WEDDING on the cover of People Magazine. People is trolling and this is their gift to you.

So, this is what $300,000 bought People Magazine. They got a cover picture of Just Timberlake doing the LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOK AT LOOOK AT MEEEEEE while his bride Jessica Biel sits there like, "Oh hey, don't mind me, I'm just taking a quick piss on a potty training toilet." Justin not only sucked up all the attention on the cover of People, but he also sucked up all the attention at their wedding. Justin tells People that as Jessica strolled down the aisle, he played the guitar and sang an original song he wrote for her. So their guests had the choice to either look at Justin Timberlake sing an original song or watch the epitome of boring walk down the aisle. What do you think they went with?

I bet when Justin was a kid, he was that attention whoring ring bearer who had to upstage the bride by acting the fool in the aisle. And now that Justin's all grown up, he's that attention whoring groom who is still upstaging the bride.

As for Jessica's dress, she says her mound of pink fluff was a custom Giambattista Valli Haute Couture gown. That gown probably cost thousands upon thousand of dollars and took a dozen people several months to make, but I swear you can buy the exact same thing at a low-budget quinceanera dress store in the ghetto part of any mall.

With all that being said, this cover is a wreck on every level and I'm thankful to People for going with it.

The extremely reliable (read: not at all reliable) CelebrityNetWorth.com says that Justin Timberlake is worth $70 million and Jessica Biel is worth $18 million, so if the extremely reliable Radar (read: not really reliable) is telling the truth, then they spent around 7% of their combined net worth on a week-long wedding party that lasted half as long as their marriage is going to last. Shitting on money is fun!

A source tells Radar that Jessica and Justin's wedding might be one of the most expensive celebrity weddings of all time. They beat Tommy Girl and Katie Holmes' $3.5 million wedding and Kim Kardashian's $6 million wedding to that brain dead cave bear who wowed humanity by learning how to dribble a ball. Jessica and Justin spent the $6.5 million on a private jet, a fireworks show, a week of activities, dick in a boxes for everyone and they rented out the entire Borgo Egnazia resort in Italy.

Personally, I think the only things you need to make a wedding special are a kiddie pool full of beer, any kind of cake, a mix-tape full of Kool and the Gang songs and a drunk auntie who will face plant when the bride throws her bouquet of grocery store flowers. Nobody needs a $6.5 million wedding. But you know, Jessica Biel clung to Justin so hard that she practically sewed her mouth lips to his ass lips, so she worked hard for that wedding. Congratulations to you, Jessica!

Here's one of Justin and Jessica's guests smiling for the paps as she left that fancy resort in Italy today. Brit Brit, pull your dress down, you dirty bitch! As tempting as your Pillsbury dough ass cakes are, Justin is a married bitch now. It ain't going to happen.

After slurping on each other's no-nos for five long years, Jessica Biel finally decided to make an honest bitch out of Justin Timberlake by marrying him in Italy today. Seconds after Jessica and Justin exchanged vows (his vows being the lyrics to "This I Promise You," obviously) and she promised love and cherish him through thick hair, thin curly, curly hair, corn row hair, relaxed hair and ramen hair, they gave this statement to People:

"It's great to be married, the ceremony was beautiful and it was so special to be surrounded by our family and friends."

Since Jessica and Justin sold all the EXCLUSIVO details of their wedding to People, they kept everything a secret from their guests until the last minute. Gossip Cop says that no children were allowed and guests had to go for the whole week or not at all. Bossy bitches, that Justin and Jessica. All of their guests were given specific instructions: each guest had to fly to Frankfurt, Germany and from there they were all put on a private jet to Naples. From Naples, they were shuttled to the town of Puglia. I heard that guests were blindfolded and their phones were taken away, so some of them got into the wrong car and are now working as sex slaves for the Italian mafia, but that's what they get for not following instructions!

I know, all that work just to go to Justin and Jessica's stupid ass wedding. That's like clenching and releasing your butt cheeks for twenty minutes straight to try to push gas out, and then you let out the wimpiest silent fart ever. Let down.

And the only way Justin and Jessica's wedding wasn't a let down is if they paid tribute to his true love Brit Brit by wearing the most iconic and sophisticated denim outfits of all time.

Jessica Biel has said in interviews that before she leaves the house, Justin Timberlake swishes into the room, puts his hand under his chin, sticks his pinky finger out and gives her the Suri look over to make sure she's keeping it cute. Well, the next time Justin tries to style her ass, she needs to tell him to suck on a dirty butt plug, because he's doing her wrong. Jessica wore this mess to the Total Recall premiere in L.A. last night and I'm guessing she wanted her to look to match the reviews. The whole thing is a rotten mess. This is what it would look like if someone barfed up Pepto-Bismol into a costume jooree box full of twisted pearl and rhinestone necklaces.

1. The face is just one color. Isn't there a Rite-Aid on Hollywood Blvd. where Jessica could've bought some hot pink Wet 'n Wild lip gloss or something?

2. The necklace is scraping three layers off of of my OCD nerve, because I just want to spend the rest of the day untangling it.

3. THAT DRESS. Does bitch need that many pockets? Bitch is just going to a premiere, she's not running away from home. The only good parts on that dress are the tititty pockets. I love a good titty pocket. It's the best place for you to stuff a Capri Sun pouch in, so you can sip up fruity deliciousness while keeping your hands free.

Jessica could've made herself look hotter, though, by standing next to Kate Beckinsale. Who ever told Kate that it's okay to skin an alien lizard from V in the name of fashion IS wrong.

Here's more pictures from last night's premiere, which brought out Jessica, Kate, Kate's husband Len (who directed that mess), Colin Farrell and Colin's sister.

RPattz, whose scalp makes a cameo as the enchanted forest in Snow White & The Huntsman, was too busy doing more important things (like deep conditioning his taint hair or whatever) to show up to last night's MTV Movie Awards, so Kristen Stewart had to accept their award for Best Kiss by herself. KStew tried to make a joke out it by begging Charlize Theron, Thor, Taylor Lautner or ANYBODY to get up there and put their lips on hers. Charlize couldn't do it, because she was backstage putting her lips on a bong she made out of one of those popcorn trophies. Taylor Lautner couldn't do it, because he's not one to put his mouth on lady lips for free. So KStew asked herself, WWJAD (What would Jennifer Aniston do?) and the answer was: make out with herself!

You know, what KStew lacks in acting skills, she makes up for in awkwardness. She is beyond awkward. This one time when I was 8 or 9, I walked in on my one-legged stepmother changing her tampon over the toilet in my dad's guest bathroom. Afterward, she sat down next to me at the breakfast table (No, we weren't having tomato omelets, thank God!) and we ate in silence. If I could take the awkwardness I felt in that moment and mold it into a human person, that human person would be a lot like Kristen Stewart. Just awkwardness running through her veins...

Anyway, here's a few pictures from last night. In order: Jennifer Aniston, Jodie Foster (throwing either a "Where's a strap-on when you really need one?" or "This bitch better not ask me to make out with her!" side-eye), Johnny Depp, Ciara, Christina Ricci, Charlize, Wiz Khaliafaawhatever with Amber Rose, KStew, Emma Stone, Jessica Biel, Chris Hemsworth, Ryan Seacrest with Julianne Hough, Brooke Hogan, Ick & Nast, Jean-Claude Van Damme with guest, Emma Watson, two Fraggle Rock refugees, Marky Mark, Andrew Garfield and Russell Brand.

Jessica Biel (Tip: Read that boring ho's name in Sookeh from True Blood's voice to make it more exciting. Jessica Beeeeeehl!) and Justin Timberlake have been getting on and off of each over for the past 4 years and I figured it was only a matter of time before their relationship completely buried itself right next to the open grave reserved for their movie careers. But apparently Jessica and Justin have tortured each other for so long that they have decided they should torture each other all the way by getting married. Lainey Gossip points to this Tweet from a gallery owner in Jackson, Wyoming:

Word on the street is that Justin Timberlake proposed to Jessica Biel at the Amangani last night...we're picking out post-engagement presents for them just in case they come in! Trying to play it cool...

Jessica Biel seems like a vacuum hole that can suck the personality out of any room she enters and there are major parts of Justin Timberlake's personality that need to be sucked into a black hole to nothingness, so I hope they make each other miserable for centuries to come.

And I will be disappointed in Justin if he didn't propose to Jessica by making her open his dick in a box. You know a finger ring can easily fit around his peen without the help of Crisco. I will also be disappointed if Justin and Brit Brit don't have a double wedding with a cowboy pimp denim theme.

UsWeekly wants us to believe that Justin Timberlake is flashing a fraudulent smile to hide the internal pain he feels from being forced to touch the hard and stubborn pimple on his life. Justin and Jessica Biel (or "Jessica Beeeeeeehl" as Sookeh says it) announced the end of their 4-year-old relationship last week, and the good ole "we wanted different things" excuse was thrown around at the time. However, a source tells UsWeekly that Justin is the one who sealed his dick in a box and pried Jessica off his crotch for good.

The source is saying that Justin has been trying to dump the ho for 2 years. When Justin finally gave Jessica her walking papers, she responded with the same look of shock his doctor gives when he screeches during a prostate exam. The source put it like this:

"Justin had been aggressively trying to end things. He hasn't been happy with Jessica for close to two years. You'd be surprised at how soon the love was lost on this one. Justin said he was miserable."

"He just said he didn't want to marry her and it didn't feel right. It just stung her in the heart."

And the source went on to say that Justin never told Jessica that he down low dicked a few side tricks during their relationship.

I'll admit that when I have the feeling that I'm about to get dumped, I become as clingy as Reba on Lori. But I finally get the hint when a court processor server presents me with a restraining order. Dumping a clingy bitch is not hard! After the court processor visits them, all you have to do is stage your death, voluntarily admit yourself into the Witness Protection Program, get a scientist to change the natural pheromone scent in your crotch and never ever use the phone or Internet again.

I really refuse to believe any of this. I bet Jessica is the one who did the dumping, because it must get exhausting trying not to punch that face every time it smiles.