In 2000, The Wonderful World of Disney aired a doll movie that was more terrifying than Talking Tina and Child's Play combined and that doll movie was called Life-Size. In Life-Size, a young faced Lindsay Lohan plays a girl who uses magic to try to bring her mother back from the dead, but ends up giving life to the plastic doll her dad's new piece gave her. It was Mannequin for little girls and gay boys, and it was the greatest thing both Tyra Banks and Lindsay Lohan have ever done.
Ty Ty knows Life-Size is the best thing she's contributed to the world, because she's coming back for more. Entertainment Weekly says that Ty Ty will executive produce and star in a sequel for the Disney Channel.
No word yet if Life-Size 2 will star Elizabeth Taylor's #1 enemy Lindsay Lohan, but it better. How can you do a sequel to Life-Size without LiLo? My guess is that LiLo's character grew up to become a major mess and was reunited with her Eve doll after breaking into her dad's storage unit to look for stuff to sell for drug money. Then LiLo's character realizes that the Eve doll was discontinued years ago and is probably worth a lot. So she trades her Eve doll in for a bump. What I'm saying is that I really hope Life-Size 2 takes place in a crack house.
And it better have a full-length version of this masterpiece in it:
America's Next Top J. Jill Catalog Model's ratings have been falling faster than Tyra Banks' sanity and so she has pulled her defibrillator out to try to save it from completely flatlining. The New York Post reports that sometime yesterday, TyTy and the show's executive producer Ken Mok fired noted fashion photographer Nigel Barker, noted sashayer Miss J and noted Tron unicorn Mr. J. All three of them have been with that shit since the beginning. TyTy confirmed on Facebook that the 19th season will be Nigel-less and J-less:
To my Nigel Barker, Miss J, and Mr Jay: Thank you for all of our years together on America's Next Top Model! Working with you is always an absolute pleasure. Excited for what the future holds for us. XOXO, TyTy
Meanwhile, the deflating bag of cold farts that is Kelly Cutrone is staying on as a judge.
Apparently, TyTy is giving the 19th season a complete makeover and wants to bring social media into that shit. The producers are talking to a few fashions bloggers including BryanBoy.
Why doesn't TyTy just get it over with and turn ANTM into America's Next Top Tyra Is Tyra, judged by Tyra, styled by Tyra, starring Tyra and only Tyra? Nigel and Jay Manuel can go, but firing Miss Jay is like purposefully dimming the sparkle on a piece of glitter. TyTy has finally broken out of her straitjacket and gone full crazy bitch. But what's even crazier is that I'll still suffer through season 19, because I have major abandonment issues when it comes to reality shit shows (see: Survivor, Amazing Race, Dancing with the Has-Beens, The Real World, Cops, etc.. etc...).
Brenda Walsh and her education connections can slide over to the side for a second, because here comes self-proclaimed America's Next Top Oprah, Tyra Banks, with her diploma from Harvard University’s Executive Education Owner/President Manager Program. The Washington Post says that Harvard's Executive Education Manager Program costs around $99,000 and is only available to head bitches of companies with annual sales of at least $5 million.
After completing three three-week session cover the course of three years, Ty Ty graduated summa cum ME ME ME ME ME last week and Tweeted the above picture with the note:
Smiling ear2ear on the Harvard Business School campus w/ my diploma! Tnx 2 my fab photographer mama 4 the pic!
It's times like this when I wish bells had eyes, because somebody or something needs to read TyTy with its side-eye. Tyra is a Harvard Education Manager Program graduate and yet she doesn't know that "thanks" in textanese is THX? Didn't she learn anything from Harvard?
Condragulations to Tyra. She has earned the right to use "Well, when I was at Harvard Business School...." as much as she wants during the next season of America's Next Top Model: College Edition. And she will.
On the left is Disney Jr.'s production of The Incredibly True Adventures of Two Girls in Love, and on the right is the epitome of gayelle love Portia de Rossi and her wife Ellen Degeneres at the totally pointless Teen Choice Awards in L.A. last night. You know, I've always made stupid jokes about how Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are the Muppet Babies (or the toddler brunette) version of Portia & Ellen and were only created to teach the children that lesbian love is a beautiful thing despite what the Faces of Crazy say, but this proves that there's a method to my incoherent ramblings (not really).
This also proves that we can finally get rid of Justin Bieber and send him back to the Canadian Hasbro factory from which he came from if we can only get Usher to buy Ellen's soul when the Canadian dollar dips below the US dollar so that he train her to yodel like a newborn puppy and thrust like a kitten having a seizure. Because if this doesn't happen, it will only be a matter of time before the apocalypse is summoned when Usher agrees to be Justin & Selena's sperm donor. Someone should get on that.
So last night was the Teen Choice Awards, which is only around to remind us that teens shouldn't vote for shit. I mean, voting to give Taylor Swift a lifetime achievement award is making Uncle Sam switch fingers.
Here's a bunch of pictures of some hos you didn't know existed, forgot existed or wish didn't exist. In order: Ty Ty Baby, The Lesbeaver, Rachel Bilson, Rebecca Black, Fergie, Selena Gomez, Ashley Greene, the Kardashian harem, Kowlina Kardashian, Sean Kingston, Blake Lively, Demi Lovato, that one from Glee, Raven, Taylor "Making Marilyn Roll In Her Grave" Swift, Cameron Diaz, Ian Somerhalder, Rupert Grint, Portia & Ellen Jr. and Portia & Ellen.
Let's all bow our heads in mourning and pour one out for She-Ra's horse Crystal Swift Wind who was brutally butchered by the first lady of crazy Ty Ty Banks. If She-Ra wasn't just a plastic action figure who lives on a shelf in my closet, she'd avenge the murder of her best friend. Look at that crazy ass murdering bitch smiling a crazy smile while wearing Crystal Swift Wind's wing as a trophy. It's truly a sad day. R.I.P. Crystal Swift Wind.
Ty Ty tried to explain that mess of a bedazzled wing on her eye during an interview with Good Morning America to promote her teen fiction novel called Modelland. Ty Ty put the sparkle on the crazy when she explained it like this:
"So at Modelland, this fantasy world I've created for my novel, if you find one of these, which I call a Smize. It increase your chances of getting into the most exclusive school in the entire world. The school that creates that the most amazing supermodels called Intoxibellas. It increases your chances by 91%."
No bitch, it only increases your chances of looking like a damn fool by 91%. Why didn't that wing do its job and make her face fly away?
Leave it to Ty Ty Banks to take a pair of five cent fish nets from the store and wrap that mess around her head as though it was a piece of fine couture crafted from the hands of angel Coco Chanel herself. The Deadliest Catch indeed! No really, Ty Ty straight-up shoved her HD head into a pair of fishnets and cut the ends off. She gave herself a pat on the back for this shit on her Twitter:
So FRENCH VOGUE mask is sum cheap FISHNET stockings I got n crazy store n Paris! I cut em up n made it y'all. N did my ow hair n makeup.
Note to self: If I ever need a pair of fishnets in Paris, go to the CRAZIEST store. While I do appreciate Ty Ty's MacGyver-like skills, she looks like a Christmas ham to me. The kind of ham that when you peel back the foil, you find that it has already spoiled so you don't even cut the netting off. You immediately take it back to Food 4 Less for a store credit.
Besides, Marilyn Manson did it better:
I mean, how did Ty Ty even eat or drink? Somebody please tell me there's a picture of Ty Ty shoving a slice of steak in between her fishnet holes. Make it work, Ty Ty! Oh wait, that's the wrong show. Drecktitude, Ty Ry, drecktitude!
And here's a few more pictures from Vogue's 90th anniversary party in Paris last night: The First Lady of CRAZY, Jean Paul Gaultier, Jeremy Scott, Dita Von Teese, Zac Posen with Diane von Furstenberg, Marc Jacobs, Gis Bundchen, and the perpetually tanked Kate Moss.
Ty Ty the Terrible will not stop until she has raped and pillaged every single industry on this planet. That is why she is releasing a book. And no, it's not called The Truly Tyra-ized Version Of The Tyra Banks Story About Tyra Banks As Told By Tyra Banks For Tyra Banks. It's worse.
Ty Ty is writing a young adult fantasy novel that is being described as Harry Potter meets America's Next Top Model. Ty Ty's fantasy book takes readers into a magical world where superhuman supermodels called "intoxibellas" learn to perfect their powers at an exclusive academy. Ty Ty seriously needs to switch to a less toxic brand of wig glue already.
Here's the press release from Ty Ty via People:
"It's my novel called Modelland (pronounced "Model Land") that takes you to a fantastical place you've never seen, or heard about, or read about before ... Where dreams come true and life can change in the blink of a smoky eye.
Modelland has always been a part of my mind and my heart. I'm excited that you'll be able to read about this magical world that's been living in my dreams for so many years."
Dear Zeus, please release the Kraken on Modelland:
Why bother reading Modelland when you can read Everybody Poops instead. It will leave you with the same taste in your mouth and it has less words. That's the same thing I tell my mom when she says she doesn't have the time to read Dlisted.
Or where are the men in white coats when you need them? On today's Ty Ty's Hour of Foolery, she pranked her audience by pretending to foam at the mouth and bark like a dog. Um. Somebody should tell Ty Ty that a prank is supposed to shock people. Most of the audience probably didn't even bat an eye, because Ty Ty is always foaming at the mouth and barking at hos. This isn't a prank. This is an hourly occurrence. CRAZY naturally runs through her veins.
Ty Ty's staff should've pranked her ass back by having the dog catcher come out and drag her ass down to the pound. And you know nobody wants to adopt her.
But seriously, Ty Ty only did this to give Joel McHale a sweet tingle. This is like a dance of seduction meant only for him. Lou better tuck his tail in, because this will be the clip of the weeeeeeek.
On Monday, Ty Ty announced that she was hanging up her talk show wig next year after 5 seasons. Well, some of her employees claimed that they learned that they might have to sell ass on the stroll next year through their Google RSS feeds. Apparently, they heard the news with the rest of us. And now they are pissed, so they're running off to Gatecrasher to barf about how working for Tyranasaurus Rex was as pleasant as a motorboat from Pinhead. The Devil Wears The Raquel Welch Wig Collection!
Here's what some of her current and past employees had to say:
"There had been high turnover of employees for years. It was pretty difficult to work for Tyra. She and the higher-ups on the production staff could be extremely brutal. She really is a diva." - One scorned bitch
"Everything had to be done Tyra's way." - A former employee who prefers to remain nameless for fear that she will never ever be able to buy a wig in this town again!
"Honestly, I don't know how it would be to work under her. But for me, it was a good experience. Tyra just knows how she likes things done. And as for her ‘diva-ness,' well, it sells."- Tyra....I mean..some source.
"When the show moved from L.A. to New York, several staffers weren't even directly told about the change - they heard through the grapevine that it was going to move locations. Even so, a lot of those people gave up their lives on the West Coast so they could continue working for the show. Now they're out of luck." - Another source
Tyra's not a diva bitch! She's a survivor! Anyone who watches her show knows this. I mean, she always knows what her guests are going through, because she has had a similar experience when it comes to everything from feline AIDS to a botched colonic to the consumption. Ty Ty has been there too!
And as Ivana Trump would say, don't get mad, get everything! Seriously, on the last day of work all her scorned employees should show up with empty cardboard boxes and a few strong cousins. Clean that storage closet out!
Hug your TV tightly and prepare to say goodbye to it, because how will it go on now that both Oprah and Ty Ty will not be around to grace its screen?! After 5 years, Tyra Banks announced that the talk show that brought us Tyra as a homeless person, Tyra as a fatty and Tyra as a Vaseline fetishist will go dark. Ty Ty says we'll have to find another fat ass to kiss, because her talk show will go away next year. QUICK! Somebody talk Joel McHale off that ledge.
Ty Ty issued this statement to People: “This will be the last season of The Tyra Show. I’ve been loving having fun, coming into your living rooms, bedrooms, hair salons for the past 5 years. My next huge steps will allow me to reach more women and young girls to help us all feel as fierce as we truly are."
Ty Ty plans to focus on producing movies that will bring "positive images of women to the big screen." First up will be, THE TYRA BANKS STORY STARRING TYRA BANKS. After that will be, THE OPRAH WINFREY STORY STARRING TYRA BANKS. And finally, THE JOEL MCHALE STORY STARRING TYRA BANKS.
The truth is, this is a sad day. What other show will bring us important events like the first ever televised colonic? My bowels depended on Tyra.
Well, at least we still have the human suppository known as Dr. Phil to help us get regular again.