Jennifer Love Hewitt

Jennifer Love Hewitt canceled her engagement to Ross McCall earlier this year and immediately replaced his peen with Jamie Kennedy's. I understand that JLove doesn't want her vagina to go cold, but bitch doesn't need to get engaged to her rebound dick! Page Six claims JLove has done just that.

On Saturday night, Jamie Kennedy played the Laugh Factory in Long Beach, CA. About two hours into his set, Jamie called JLove up to the stage so she could sing. I'm guessing JLove didn't sing an acoustic version of "How Do I Deal," because there was still a person in the audience to yell "MARRY HER!" to Jamie. A witness says that's when Jamie "got down on one knee and asked her to marry him." We're talking about JLove here, so of course her ass said yes. If the crusty corn on my toe asked JLove to marry it, she'd say yes.

Jamie could've just been joking, but you don't joke with JLove like that! Bitch took this for serious. She probably already called the wedding planner and said, "Yeah, just do the same shit as the last one."

One day JLove is going to wake up to find that her engagement finger is missing. Her finger is going to detach itself from her hand and quit that bitch. It's sick of the back and forth!

Just like that, JLove has a new coochie warmer! Jamie Kennedy told Ryan Gaycrest on his KISS-FM radio show this morning that JLove is clapping those ass cheeks for him and he gets all slobbery wet for it. This comes just a few short months after JLove quit the love she had with Ross McCall. How soon the snatch turns.

This just isn't any ordinary love. This is thee love. A Twilight kind of love. Seriously, this is the kind of cheesy vomit that came spewing out of Jamie's mouth this morning, "I thought it was something I would find in my 40s. It's like, 'Wow, you are hot. You can sing, you can dance, you’re, like, so smart and, wow, you can cook pasta fagioli too.' We have an intense connection. She's my Bella. I don't want to bite her neck, but I want her to live. I'm in love, and I don't care!"

That's not love, bitch is straight-up assmatized. Jamie needs to focus less on that love shit and try to find the cure to the disease that's slowly turning him into fucking Brendan Fraser!

Furthermore, JLove is a lost cause. You can do nothing but roll your eyes and hit the "next" button. Bitch ain't complete unless she has someone to text shit like, "i luvz u so much hugz," to every night. You know the type. The kind of bitch you only see or talk to when she's not in barf-inducing looooove. Then when they get their hearts butchered, they call you to say how much they miss you. I always pick up the phone, because those hos make it up to you by picking up the bar tab after your "reunion." It's like an open bar every few months!

VIA USWeekly

I don't even know how the Oscars could go on last night without the premiere seat filler in Hollywood bringing the poultry glamour to the audience? International supermodel and silver screen sensation Phoebe Price was not there! I'm not out of line when I say that they should have canceled the whole thing. The statues just weren't as sparkly or shiny, because PP was not holding it down in the audience. I blame St. Angie for this. That chicken hater knew she could not compete with PP's elegance and sophistication, so she got her fired. And Angie was afraid PP would steal her man. Men just can't refuse a firm pair of greasy cutlets. No, they can't.

Instead of gracing the Oscars, PP attended Popeye's Oscar party and cookout in Van Nuys. No, she went to JLove's Oscar party at the Abbey in West Hollywood. PP brought her mama je'e, Flora. They have matching organic cutlets! PP also brought out her raw chicken breasts out too! The Oscar bitches are fools! They could have had all of this.

What the fuck does Jennifer Love Hewitt have against Audrey Hepburn? What I ask?! JLove already did Audrey wrong by making that soul-killing unintentional TV comedy The Audrey Hepburn Story. And now the ho pulls this fuckery?! Bitch actually had the audacity to dress up as Holly Golightly and reenact the opening scene of Breakfast at Tiffany's in Beverly Hills this morning. JLove is more like Holly Gothefuckawayalready.

JLove's delusional ass said she did it to celebrate her 30th birthday. Yeah, I don't get this shit either. Did this fucktard not get any lollipops or hugs as a child? This shit is not cute.

Audrey should float down from heaven and slap this twat in the mouth. Enough is enough!

Somebody in this world hates Kellie Pickler and that someone did her make-up yesterday for some fashion show. Bitch looks like she just gave a rim job to the Pillsburgh Doughboy and really got fucking into it. Just put her face in there and motorboated his butt. Motorbutted.

The thing is. This shit could've been saved easily with a few strokes from a Sharpie. Color in those eyebrows, line those lips and bitch would've looked like a gorgeous chola I used to hang out with in high school. We called that hot bitch Casper. She had two babies by the time she was 16, so homegirl was really friendly.

Here's more of Kellie and her Wino nose with JLove in NYC yesterday.

That "size 2" carpet fugness all over JLove is begging to be ripped off and Dirt Deviled. After that, I'm going to hang it up over my memaw's vinyl and rattan sofa as fine art. Seriously, my memaw had a shag rug or a damn blanket hanging up on almost every wall. She said it was cheaper than going to the swap meet and buying Monet posters. Point pretty much taken. And when I asked why she had bouquets of backyard tree branches in 99 Cent Store vases all over her house, she said, "My social security check does not cover silk flowers!" Point taken, the sequel.

Here's JLove taking my grandma's new art piece to lunch yesterday in L.A. In the first thumbnail, I almost swooned at the sight of the graceful butchie gayelle, but then my eyes heaved at the cell phone on her waist band. That is something I refuse to accept no matter how well you know how to work a power drill.

Just pretend to care, okay! Hearts have been broken! You skanks go and comfort JLove's "size 2" ass and I'll try to cheer up Patricia Arquette's bodacious breasteses. I'll spoon feed them Neapolitan ice cream while rolling my eyes at their weepiness.

We've all been there! It's the fucking worst when your friend is bawling and saying they are going to kill themselves because some dumb ho dumped them. You sit there, holding their sweaty hand, trying to show in your face that you care. You're thinking to yourself, "I need to get this bitch a Casual Encounters ad on Craigslist ad so that they can fuck the pain away and I can go watch Real Housewives!" Although, I do love using lines like "He's not worth your tears" or "His loss! I sucked his dick in the bathroom anyway." Just say the last line if they really won't shut the fuck up.

Anyway, JLove and Patricia Arquette's friends may be giving the fake "I care" face, because both of their relationships went bust.

People says that JLove and her creepy fiance canceled their engagement around the holidays. They were engaged for 1 year and dated for 2. A source said, "They're both really sad about this. Even their friends are surprised; they seemed really happy. Everyone just wants the best for both of them."

He probably got sick of her claiming she's a size 2 when he called her fat. The nerve of some people. And she probably got sick of him giving sex eyes to small animals. Look at the dude! You know he's into some sick shit!

I'm sure we'll see JLove's ass on the cover of some magazine with the headline: "I'm single and loving it! And I'm still a size 2!"

Now on to Patricia Arquette. UsWeekly says she filed for divorce today from her husband of 2 long years Thomas Jane. Of course, she blamed "irreconcilable differences" on the reason why her marriage tanked. Is there ever any other reason? The two have a 5-year-old daughter named Harlow together.

I hope both of these bitches broke it off AFTER the holidays. That shit is the way to go. If you need to dump someone, break it off with their asses after the season of giving so that you can still collect your presents! Don't ever do it before. If you think you're going to get dumped, stall that shit until your gift is underneath that tree! And if they didn't give you shit because they knew they were going to end it with you, make them get you one! They have to, because technically you were still together. Sue their asses if they refuse! Judge Judy will definitely side with you.

Because I seem to always queef chunks over pictures of these celebwhores eating fast food, some hos think I love everything that is wrapped in paper. Not true. Carl's Jr. was never my shit. There was always something about it. Dumb skanks never understood why I always wanted to kick that stupid yellow star in its face. In high school, one dude even said that I must not have a good palate, because Carl's Jr. is the best-made fast food out there. I think he even called it gourmet. Obviously, the dude's mom free-based when she was pregnant, because his brain was made out of coke ash.

Even looking at these pictures makes my throat feel heavey. That donkey shit can't be good for you like McDonald's or In-N-Out! I mean, look at Jennifer "I'm a Forever Size 2" Love Hewitt! Eating that crap has made her hair look like it's made out of the hairballs Wino's crackhive spits out. Yes, it's all because of Carl's Jr.!

And in the fourth thumbnail below, you know that Victoria's Secret bag is for her fiance. He looks like he enjoys a pair of pink, silky chonies against his nalgas.

And I thought the Emmy Awards was a Simply Sleep enema. Well, the fashion was even more boring and predictable. It was one generic gown after the other. Thankfully, some broad named Christina DeRosa won a contest from Subway Sandwiches and got to go to the Emmys. No. I don't know how she got in, but I'm glad she did. I'm also glad that when she got tangled up in the paper shades in her apartment, she decided to make it part of her gorgeous ensemble. The woman in back of her obviously agrees.

I've already named international supermodel Phoebe Price as the best dressed at the Emmys. That goes without saying. Christina DeRosa is a close second. This is how you do it. She's perfection from her hair to her shoes. I think she transported back to the mid-80s to get her updo done at the JcPenney salon while Lil' Suzy blasted in the background. I can smell the mixture of AquaNet and burnt L.A. Looks gel from here. That's the kind of hair you lose your virginity in after prom. She also gets a gold star for making a handbag out of folded coffee filters. Bitch is so resourceful!

And it was nice of Tommy Girl to lend her a pair of shoes from his personal collection.

I also threw in some pictures of JLove and her creepy boyfriend, because she obviously got her hair done at the same joint as Christina, but ran off in the middle of it. Oh and everyone's favorite goth club grown-ups, Vyxsin and Kynt from the "Amazing Race," were also at the Emmys. And you know Tommy Girl is ordering Kynt's shoes in every color right now.

Is Ross McCall taking fashion tips from that hobo Twitty Prat? He looks like an Old Navy reject from 2001. Quit trying to bring back an already shitty fashion statement in an already shitty fashion world. I'd rather see people go emo than wear this shit. I don't mean that.

Speaking of shitty fashion statements, take a look at the muu muu on that forgotten Golden Girl JLove.

At first I thought she was carrying a bag of trash, but upon further inspection I realized it was a hideous purse. What the fuck JLove! Far cry from I Know What You Did Last Summer. Show some luscious chichi, don't you remember what got you famous in the first place?

Here's the two future Buick LaSabre driving, bingo playing, shuffle board masters taking a stroll in Los Angeles yesterday.