Leonardo DiCaprio

Dude nipples came out in full force this weekend from Barbados (see Gerard Butler) to St. Barts (see Orlando Bloom & Jason Statham) to Miami (see Matthew Morrison) to the beaches of Hell (see Christian Audigier). There's something for everyone here!

If Giorgio Armani's distressed leather chest cutlets don't make your fuck parts slobber like Hooch, then I'm sure Christian Audigier's will. Unfortunately for me, both Carrot Top and Mah Boo Anderson Cooper kept their bare sexiness from public eyes this weekend. Well, in Carrot Top's case I think it's against the law.

Anyway, if you want to know whose name to scream while you're flicking at your genitals then just hover your mouse over their picture (that sounds sexy).

And here I was thinking that Leonardo DiCaprio picks out his next date by browsing through the newest Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Edition catalog and filling out the order form, but dude actually does the work too! Leo isn't afraid to jump into a sea of hos and get dirty.

At the VIP Room in St. Tropez last night, Leo cuddled up to a few future ex-girlfriends. You know Leo's idea of a pick-up line is, "Hey, baby, why don't you show me your comp card." If you haven't been featured in the pages of Victoria's Secret, Maxim or JcPenney's panty section, then Leo has no time for you.

And is that a Cheeto ball in Leo's mouth in the third thumbnail below? Naw, couldn't be. Because if it was, the coochie lips of a certain Spears would be on the other end of that Cheeto nut.

Leonardo DiCatchAHo is officially back in the pussy prowling game which means that model agencies should go ahead and forward all portfolios to his office if they want the booking. Don't even think I won't mail my own portfolio (aka a Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper) of MySpace and Facebook pictures to Leo! A Barbizon diploma proudly hangs over my toilet, so this makes me a part-time model. Don't question my credentials.

Since Leo never takes a break from model scouting, he took a few pieces with him to Ibiza where they are all sunning their bits. Speaking of bits, I never know what to expect when Leo takes his top off. It's like opening something out of Sanrio's mystery grab bag bin. Sometimes you get a two titty special with a scoop of man gut. Other times you get a big slice of sexy. Leo is currently somewhere in between. And I'd still it. My no-no would never let go! WELL, Leo was in Poison Ivy! Anybody who had a part in that masterpiece deserves to get their taint tickled.

Leonardo DiCaprio and Jude Law are both wiping zit semen off of their nutsacks, because The Sun claims they are both playing around with Cameron Diaz.

Apparently, Cameron started her tour of wonky hairlines last week when she bumped it with Leonardo DiCaprio in London. A source type says that Leo is ready to pass his peen around after recently splitting with Bar Rafaeli. The source went on to say, "Cameron has been showing a lot of interest while he is in London filming. She was back at his rented apartment in Knightsbridge, west London, a couple of times last week after a series of secret dates. They were joking with friends that they played chess together."

As for Jude, Cammy was seen leaving a club with him in London on Sunday night. The same source who is yapping about the Leo shit said that Jude is trying hard to get a chance to pop Cameron's pimples with his wang, "Jude and Cameron have been good friends since they filmed The Holiday together a few years ago. Now they are both single, things are a bit different between them. Jude has been flirting with her and she has been playing along."

You know, I can't help but think at how hot a threesome starring these three would've been like 10 years ago. But now, thinking of Pizza Face Diaz rubbing it on these two just makes me hongray for a salami sandwich on sourdough with extra Thousand Island dressing.

Leonardo DiCaprio is currently sunning his FOPA in Ibiza with his friends including Lukas Haas. Leo's girlfriend, Bar Rafaeli, is on vacation in the South of France. Some seem to think this means the two are broken up. Personally, I think taking seperate vacations is the way to go. You have to look at your main bitch enough as it is. Do you really want to look at them in the light of day while they're half-nekkid? Well, only if they're paying.

Back to Leo, was this bitch every HOT hot? I guess he used to be hot in that "twinkie with a pre-ejaculation problem" kind of way. He was never one of my favorites. I think I always knew he would grow up to be a smelly-looking, bloated twat. He probably belches during sexy times. Even worse, he probably keeps his ankle socks on!

With all that being said, I'd still hit it on a sinking ship. Leo would have to shout, "I'm the king of the world" while I grab on to his peen and whisper, "I'll never let go, Jack. I'll never let go."

I love Lindsay Lohan, because she is one of the biggest sluts in Hollywood. I only wish she would be grateful for that and accept it. She tells the media that she's a good girl and stays inside...blah..blah... I just want her to tell them, "Listen, I'm young and I have a working coochie (that's up for debate) and I'm going to put it to good use." There's nothing wrong with that.

Anyway, Lindsay Lohan was partying Tuesday night in West Hollywood. She set her coochie sights on "Entourage" dude Adrian Grenier. She's denied dating him in the past, but Rush & Molloy reports she was on him like Britney on a Frapp. Things didn't go according to plan when Adrian's girlfriend showed up. Yeah, don't you hate those?

Lindsay didn't miss a beat and as soon as Adrian was done with her, she moved on to Leonardo DiCaprio. A witness said she was flirting with him and acting like a ho! The source said, “But he wasn’t saying much to her.”

Leo then left with Adrian leaving Lindsay without a dick for the night. Poor Lindsay. What's a slut without a dick? A sad slut.

Oh and a source claims she was drinking champs and Vodka the entire night.