Hunks

Even with that roach-eaten, ratty ass Where's Waldo? hat, Jason Momoa is still a titillating hunk of pure sex. Jason strolled the farmer's market in Los Angeles yesterday with Denise Huxtable and their kid Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa. I'm going to warn you again to not say Nakoa's full name too fast or a fucking rain cloud will appear over your head. Don't.

The vendors at the farmer's market must have been busting turds out of anger, because Jason's hotness kept making the produce ripen prematurely. Tomatoes turned inside out, ears of corn popped themselves and bananas were stripping themselves down. That man could make a cucumber fuck a squash.

Lisa Bonet must be praying to Jaleesa (she really is a god) every night to give her strength, because if I was her, I'd be on that shit every second of the day. You'd have to turn the hose on me and throw a ragey possum at my ass.

How do I liiiiive without youuuu?! The answer is: It's pretty fucking easy when you have Eddie Cibrian's peen to lick on.

In the new issue of UsWeekly, they claim LeAnn Rimes and the walking sex stick known as Eddie Cibrian are doing illegal sexy times with each other. The affair reportedly started shortly after they started working together on the Lifetime movie Northern Lights. UsWeekly got a hold of footage from a security camera of the two kissing at Mosun in Laguna Beach, CA. They also say that the two spent three-hours at a motel in Malibu on March 14th.

UsWeekly doesn't fuck around! Joey Greco who?! The next time you plan to do some ho shit in public, UsWeekly might be watching your skank ass!

If this shit is true, then it might cause problems for both LeAnn and Eddie since both their asses are married. Eddie has a wife of 7 years and two young sons.

LeAnn Rimes got married to one of her backup dancers Dean Sheremet seven years ago when she was just 19. Her gaydar must have been in beta mode back then, because Dean's gayface looks like it's been dick slapped once, twice or a million times. This makes me think that LeAnn probably woke up one day, smelled the ass jelly and realized her husband likes to make out with peen lips. I've always speculated in my own head that the two have some kind of open relationship. She can throw her vag around town on the down-low and he can get it where it stinks whenever he wants. So Dean might be shouting "You go girl" to LeAnn when he finds out that she's licking on that fine ass piece of certified organic beef!

If that's not the case, then I say Dean needs to call a lawyer, grab a shovel and start digging for fucking gold. Milk that Rimes bitch for all the coin she has. Take that money and go live your happy gay life!

As for Eddie, it's hard for me to comment when drool keeps hitting my keyboard. Yes, it's wrong, wrong, wrong, but doing fucky times with Eddie is so right, right, right. I say, his wife needs to divorce his ass and Eddie's peen needs to be thrown in a cell for the wrong shit it's done. And by "cell," I mean my no-no.

In Little Ashes, the new movie that will make a few peens throb, Robert FancyPattz plays Dali and the role required him to do fake butt sex with the hot piece of hairy man sex known as Javier Beltran, who plays Lorca. Depending on which bitch you ask, the experience was either beautifully "tragic and painful" or totally nut-shrinking awkward.

First up is Javier! When asked about it by Out Magazine, he said, "We didn't have any problems with the sexuality. On the set it was less important than the emotions. The sex scenes are beautiful—tragic and painful."

Tragic and painful?! Hmm. They didn't have any lube, right? No lube, no problem! You can make yourself a very useful concoction right on your palm. Just spit, add a little nose snot, and if available, mix in a dab of dick butter. And if you're really desperate, just ask the recipient to push out the prairie dog. It's not for the faint of fart, but desperate fucky times call for desperate measures!

As for the magical Robert? He had this to say to GQ about that shit, "The hardest part was trying to do it doggie-style. Trying to have a nervous breakdown while doing it doggie-style. And it wasn't even a closed set. There were all these Spanish electricians giggling to themselves."

Nervous breakdown while hitting it from the back? It kept jumping out of the hole, didn't it? That is some nerve-wracking shit.

But seriously, doing butt sex (even fake butt sex) while Spanish electricians watch? What's RPattz's nightmare is my fucking dream of dreams!

It's a good thing that Gregorio Marsiaj is hand hugging his own peen, because if Eva Herzigova tried, she'd probably poke his off dick head with one of her damn bones. Or her wrist could snap off and that would just kill the moment. I mean, she's basically the size of a pencil dick. Homegirl could put a colored condom (not even magnum-sized) over her whole body, add a belt and then hit the town.

Seriously, somebody in these pictures needs to feed this ho a sand pie filled with sea crabs for protein. But I shouldn't put on the hate too much, because her bony ass landed a semi-hot Italian millionaire. And how much do you want to make a bet that when Gregorio was a teenager he was caught jacking off to the skeleton in science class more than once?

Matthew Goode, star of that Watchmen shit, has a little something to say haters who think he's the wrong bitch for the role of Andrew Veidt/Ozymandias. Put a panty pudding-proof towel under your chair, because I know how you whores get when a dude talks dirty. Filthy.

According to The Sun, Matthew said, “The negative feedback is relayed by my friends. I think the fanboys aren’t particularly happy – there are a load of people they’d have rather had in before me It’s already being slated before they’ve seeing anything. But if fanboys still hate the film after going and seeing it, they can all line up and suck my dick. I don’t give a fuck. I’m having a child and that’s more important to me – so I don’t give a fuck. Grow a dick.”

Don't threaten me with a good time, Matthew. YOU SUCK! And now I will, thank you very much. A promise is a promise.

And if I tell Matthew he's a caca stain on modern cinema, will he pull my hair a bit? What if I say they should have called it WatchSHIT, will he throw in a dick slap? Also, what do I have to say to get to trim his ring of nipple hair?

I feel like Matthew needs to pass out a menu, because I want to know what my options are.

My shit is busted ass hungover today and this video is probably what the inside of my head looks like right now. It's of a hot piece trying to bust sexy pole dancing moves in his scary basement room while wearing shorty shorts, a sleeveless t-shirt and serial killer glasses.

Something tells me this is not the scariest thing those basement walls have seen.

Daddy Joel practices down below and then uploads this shit on YouTube for all of us to cream our panties too. Joel is seriously ready to take his shit on the road. The whores of Rock of Love Bus wish they had these natural skills.

Unfortunately, the sexy times gets cut short because Joel's wife calls him up for dinner. Ironically, they had honey and biscuits. Honey and biscuits is also what he's giving us on that pole.

And if you can't get enough of Pole Joel, check out the comments in this video. I laugh, I cried, I jizzed.

VIA Videogum

When Vince ShamWow's name comes up, Billy Mays rolls up his sleeves, sandpapers the inside of his throat and goes off. During an interview with Adam Corolla, a caller asked about Vince and Billy went on and on about how he was going to take that little bitch down. Billy said that when it comes to the ShamWow, Billy laid down the foundation, Vince built the house and now he's going to redecorate. Yeah, I don't know how Billy became Debbie Travis. It's like I suddenly switched over to HGTV.

Billy said he was ready to have a pitch-off with Vince any time, any place. That kind of sounds dirty sexy. Why do I picture Billy's hairy low-hangers on Vince's meth-face?

Personally, I think that if they got into a room together, the world would implode. This shit probably has something to do with those two satellites crashing into each other. They heard this news first and couldn't fucking take it. So if Billy and Vince actually faced off, Earth would collide with another planet and turn into star dust.

But seriously, even though Billy looks like he could kill a grizzly bear with his pinky toe, methinks he's still no match for Vince. Vince might look like a tweaked out turtle, but the bitch was crazy enough to start a one-man war against Scientology. Nothing scares him.

Billy's rant is below:

(Thanks Kamila)

My chola cousin's coochie beats for Morrissey, The Smiths and all those other whores, so when she sees this shit, bitches better duck under a table. Chola pussy explosion!

In the inner sleeve of his single for "I'm Throwing My Arms Around Paris," Morrissey and his band almost give us the full monty. Unfortunately, there's some kind of circular thing covering their peens. I forgot what those things are called. They look familiar, but my memory escapes me. And I don't know how those black moon things are staying up. If Morrissey's wang is holding that shit up by itself, then he's a lot more talented than I thought. I bet he can make it spin.

I just he would quit teasing and show it all. I don't know whether to sing "Now my no-no is full of six inches...." or "Now my no-no is full of eight inches....." I need to know.

Enough of this talk. The possibly NSFWish pic is after the jump. You know, I feel like I'm closer to Morrissey now that I've seen his speedo tan. JUMP!!!

When Evan Rachel Wood broke it off with corpse lizard Marilyn Manson, there were rumors that she comforted herself by licking on Mickey Rourke's ham scramble face. She denied that shit by saying they "bonded" while making The Wrestler (Evan plays his angsty daughter) and are just good friends. Well, it looks like they are still bonding....with their mouths.

FoxNews says that after the S(L)AG Awards on Sunday, 21-year-old Evan and 56-year-old Mickey were tongue fighting outside of the Four Seasons Hotel. Some witness person said that after they finished killing the flowers and plants around them by kissing, they went upstairs together.

Who can blame Evan for not being able to resist The Mickey? You see that face and all you want to do is just sit on it! Mostly because your precious eyebrows start burning off if you look at Mickey's hatchet face too long, so you just have to sit on it to stop the pain.

And I'd totally hit it, because I'm curious as to what the peen looks like now. My peendar doesn't work on Mickey. When I try to imagine what the dick is like, my peendar shuts down and gives me a 404 error. His dick probably looks like a pork rind.

....and without the wife beater on. Or the jeans. Or the socks. Or the cotton panties (I'm assuming). Or the socks. And he should be lubed and ready to go. Honestly, if your name is Christopher Robert Evans and you were born on June 13, 1981 in Boston, there should be a law that states it is illegal for you to wear any clothing of any type out in public. With our fucking luck, there's probably another 27-year-old Christopher Robert Evans from Boston who is fat, hairy and smelly. If my proposed law passes, he'll be able to flaunt his grossness without punishment. That's a chance I'm willing to take, because this Chris Evans is pure sex.

Here's Chris out in L.A doing..... Oh, who cares?! Just stare hard and try to keep your panty pudding in one area. You don't want that shit flowing into the next cubicle.