Salma Hayek

In 2004, Salma Hayek and Colin Farrell made a shit show together called Ask the Dust. Never heard of it? That's because it's busy collecting dust in the back of every Blockbuster video that's still open (insert grim face here). While they were filming Blockbuster's future least-rented movie, they got it on. It didn't last long, because Colin was a busted mess back then.

Colin now claims he's all cleaned up and is ready to romance Salma a second time. Star Magazine (via TOTI) says that at the Golden Globes a couple of weeks ago, Colin got close to Salma's golden globes. Some nosy ho said, "While they were both backstage, he held her face and kissed her several times. It was very intimate, not just like they were pals."

Salma, Salma, Salma, never get involved with a Colin Farrell. He will never worship your holy tittays the way they deserve to be worshiped. Just let him motorboat for a few seconds, squirt a little Palmolive in his hair (please do that), give him some cab money and send him on his way.

Seriously, Salma deserves someone who will recite sweet poetry to her chichis every night. And bathe them in cocoa butter every morning. Someone who will skip with them through fields of flowers and gently hold them when they get frightened during a lightning storm. Someone who will bow every time they enter a room and weep every time they exit.

Colin won't do any of that. He'll just say, "You've got nice tits. Can I drop my jizz party on them, babe?" Blasphemy!

Salma Hayek will probably be getting thousands of letters from sick fuck dudes willing to suck on her magnificent leche balls in order to feed her addiction to breastfeeding. Salma said that she just can't stop breastfeeding her 13-month-old daughter Valentina.

She told Style Magazine (via FoxNews), "I'm like an alcoholic. It is like, I don't care if I cry, I don't care if I am fat, I am just going to do it for one more week, one more month, and then when I see how much good it is doing her and I can't stop. The myth that says you lose all this weight when you breastfeed! That is so not true! It's like, please, will everyone stop telling me I look really well."

Salma's chichis are the 8th World Wonder, so I care about their well-being. Salma must check herself into Promises before it's late. She's going to start traveling around the world, sticking her titty melon into the mouths of any baby she comes across. And when she runs out of babies, she's going to move on to toddlers and then... Well, hopefully it never gets to that.

Dear Salma, watch this clip below. Don't let this happen to you!!!

Thanks Jill

Salma Hayek knows what's good, so I'm going to assume that curtain tieback around her head is a Phoebe Price original. If it is, I'm sure we'll see international supermodel Phoebe Price running up and down Robertson Blvd. while posing with Salma's picture. If it's not, I don't want to know. Salma can do no wrong in my book and I don't need something to hold against her. Lie to me, Salma!

I can also overlook the fact that Salma kept her magnificent chichis to herself last night by not making sit up and smile for the cameras. They needed the night off. Also, I'm completely turning my head at the effed up shit her make-up bitch did to her face. Only Casper and a few cholas I know can pull off that shade of powder.

Here's Salma an Art of Elysium benefit in NYC last night. I also threw in a few pictures of Mary Alice Stephenson from "America's Most Smartest Model," because I miss Mandy Lynn and Mary shared a room with her once.

Damn. Looking at Salma Hayek's succulent breastes never gets old. There's only a few things I could look at all day: "Cops," kittens playing with yarn and Salma's wondrous chichis.

Salma's rack is like a Magic Eye poster. If you stare at them long enough, you start to see other things. Sometimes I see two lil' babies sleeping under a manger. Other times I see two cantaloupes ripening in the summer sun. And one time I even saw Locke from "Lost" cuddling with Paul Shaffer.

Here's Salma with her adorable and totally rich daughter Valentina shooting "30 Rock" with Alec Baldwin in Brooklyn today. I wonder if Alec cooed at Valentina and said, "Awww. What a rude lil' pig."

It's a dreary fucking day and about to rain, but I still have the sudden urge to brave the nasty weather and go motorboating! It has everything to do with Salma Hayek's magnificent chichis! Damn. I didn't expect to see those things this morning. I usually take my coffee with just sugar, but I'll have a little leche today.

It's like seeing the Grand Canyon. I know it's real, but it's a little too spectacular to believe. These are chichis that can save the world!

I know I'm gayer than two pink unicorns doing the Macarena at the Rainbow Disco, but I just want to curl up in those things. It's warm and safe in there. The world is falling apart, but everything is alright in between Salma's wondrous titties.

Here's more of Salma on the German show "Wetten Dass" giving Swiss Miss a run for her money. Seriously, Salma's chichis should replace that bitch as the new "face" of Swiss Miss. Even Karl Lagerfeld is having trouble resisting the urge to take the old motor boat out.

Salma Hayek and her glorious chichis went on Britain's "This Morning" show today to talk about her campaign with UNICEF and Pampers (I love the way she says "Pampers") to eradicate tetanus, when the lezzie cat was almost let out of the toobelt.

On live television, Salma said she was half Lebanese. One of the show's hosts, Eamonn Holmes, had trouble hearing what she said and asked, "You're a lesbian?" Salma laughed it off and slowly said she was LEBANESE. Eamonn ended things by saying, "Oh sorry, I thought you were half lesbian. Forgive me."

I see what Eamonn was doing there. He was trying to catch Salma pussy handed! Eamonn, next time Salma says she's half Lebanese. Don't ask her if she's half lesbian. Just shout, "You like to chow on the pussy?!" Gayelles respond better to bluntness.

Source: Daily Mail

Magnificent chichi owner Salma Hayek was at the Balenciaga fashion show in Paris today with her ex-sugar daddy Francois-Henri Pinault. F.H.P. (as his friends call him and we're all his friends) is also the father of Salma's kid and the owner of Balenciaga.

Some nosy bitch watched their asses at the show and told People: "[They were] very friendly together, looking happy. They weren't holding hands but were definitely side by side." That must mean they are back together and she's having his twins. Wait. If they were sitting side by side that means she's having triplets! Triple the cash!

Another source said Salma and F.H.P. have been hanging around in Paris together for a few days now. They were also spotted in Los Angeles together a few weeks ago.

After today's show, the two went back to the Plaza-Athénée where Salma is staying. Their daughter greeted them in the lobby.

They could be making nice for the sake of the kid, but I hope they are back together. They make a beautiful couple. She has gorgeous titties and he is so fucking rich looking. I look at him and my eyes become sparkly green dollar signs like in the cartoons. Besides, Salma needs to finish her gold digging mission by marrying Mr. Money Bags.

Yeah, I know Salma Hayek and her sugar beard cancelled their contract, but she still has that "billionaire glow" about her. Nothing is better than going out and spending money on stupid shit. Especially when it's not your fucking money. Seriously, I can never find one bad thing to say about this hot bitch. Okay, the only negative thing I have to say is that she should be wearing high heels. Rich ladies should only wear high heels wherever they go. Flats are for the poor.

I also can't get enough of her Pampers commercial for UNICEF. I stop my Tivo every time it comes on. Nobody says "one packa Pampers" the way she does.

Here's Salma, Valentina and some small person in Beverly Hills yesterday.

Salma Hayek and her magnificent chichis will not be marrying French billionaire Francois-Henri Pinault. The couple of 2 years issued this statement to USA Today:

"We are sad to announce the engagement of Salma Hayek and Francois-Henri Pinault has been canceled. There will be no further comment."

WHAT?! This was not the plan. Salma was supposed to stuff her melonitas into a million-dollar wedding dress and marry that rich bitch without a prenup. Prenups are for amateurs! Then she was supposed trick him into having an affair, take pictures, leak them to the press and play the "humiliated wife" role. Voila! Instant millions!

That way she can buy the Isle of Lesbos and tell the natives to stick a cooche in it. Salma, Penny Cruz and Baby Valentina would live happily ever after in their gayelle paradise.

Yes, I know she's going to get millions for having his baby, but you can never have too much money. You can never be too rich and your chichis can never be too big.

Salma Hayek and Baby Valentina made a rare appearance in Malibu yesterday. Salma has been keeping Baby Valentina away from the paps because she's pretty protective. Mama Salma has been known to attack a pap for getting to close to her cub. Totally hot.

Unfortunately for me, Salma covered up her bodacious chichis. I understand. There are children around and her exposed rack is definitely Rated R.

Baby Valentina is all sort of precious, but I'm still giving her the side-eye. Even the cutest of babies manage to barf and drool on you.