Salma Hayek

Long before January Jones' womb was filled with a half ice cube and half question mark love child, supermodel Linda Evangelista would put her finger up to her mouth whenever anybody would ask her who the father of her 4-year-old son Augustin James is. Well, (read in a booming Detective La Toya Jackson whisper) the identity of Augustin's biological father has been revealed!

Linda sashayed into a NYC court room yesterday morning, struck a million dollar pose in front of the court and said that her son's father Francois-Henri Pinault, the billionaire CEO husband of Salma Hayek, and she have not yet agreed to a child support agreement. 2006 must have been the Year of the Fertile Sperm for Francois-Henri, because he also has a 4-year-old daughter with Salma Hayek. (Note: This is your cue to slowly fall back into your chair with your mouth open while tapping the word "SCANDAL!!!" out in Morse Code with your eyelashes. Or it's your cue to slowly fall back into your chair to take a nap. Either response to this story is perfectly acceptable.)

The New York Post reports that yesterday was Linda's fourth time visiting family court. Francois-Henri wasn't there, because his lawyers thought they were doing a phone conference instead. Franci's lawyer went on to explain, "We had understood that it was to be a brief, telephone conference, to bring Magistrate Troy up to date on what the status was."

This more like a lower-case scandal, because Linda and Franci made Augustin in early 2006 when he was on a break from Salma.

Anybody who cares about this should've known that Franci is Augustin's daddy, because that boy basically looks like his father in a Suri Cruise wig. And Linda once said that she won't get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day, so I really hope Franci knows that Augustin is just like his mother and won't push out a fake "I love you" during visiting days for less than $10,000 a syllable!

It's one thing for Beyonce to wrap herself in a gown that looks like it was made using the gilded sperm of Lumiere the Candlestick and the dusty ovaries of Babbette the Feather Duster, but it's another to stuff herself so tight that you can't even walk. Like an elephant dick in a guinea pig condom. Whenever Beyonce drags Jay-Z to events like last night's Costume Institute Gala at The Met, he always looks like those dudes you see holding their chick's purses outside of the ladies room with a perma-grimace on their face. And now she does this to him?!

Jay-Z and a helper had to physically help Beyonce up the stairs into the museum. If it was me, I would've knocked that ho to the floor and rolled her ass up the stairs. When we were getting ready to leave, I would've set up bowling pins at the bottom of the stairs, told Beyonce to hold her breath and then rolled her ass down hoping for a strike!

You can't even think about taking a piss in a satin sausage casing like that dress. If you even twitch your labia a bit, all the seams will come apart and you'd be all sorts of naked. It's not like 4 peons (or pee-ons, I should say) can prop Beyonce up on a toilet and guide-eth thee pee-eth stream down below. Beyonce could not pee. Because she could not pee, she could not drink any kind of booze. Because she could not drink one drop of booze while surrounded by a sea of perfumed assholes, she might as well have been in hell. Although, if you're an asshole amongst assholes, you probably don't care. Beyonce waddling around a museum is never the look.

Anyway, here's a bunch of hos who obviously asked themselves "Should I trip her? Should I trip her?" while Beyonce waddled by. In order (after Beyonce and Jay-Z): Gis Bundchen with a granola gayelle, a neon marker named Brooklyn Decker, Dakota Fanning, Elle Fanning, Salma Hayek, JLo with Skeletor, RiRipunzel, Madge, Fishsticks with Lea Michele, Sarah Jessica Parker with an Andy Cohen photo bomb and the First Lady of New York.

This is ALWAYS the time of year when some of us risk getting radiation poisoning to the genitals by warming our freezing laps with our laptops while going through pictures of lucky ass celebrities frolicking along the warm beaches of St. Barts (or some other fancy place where they only stamp your passport if a Hermes cover is hugging it). We've seen millions of pictures of blah blah bitches in two-pieces who aren't even worth a nipple lick and pinch, but finally here's a beauty I don't mind seeing with a crotch full of bikini!

Yes, it's not Rojo Caliente in a swimdress, but this is the next best thing. Here's the spice on our mango pop with her daughter Valentina and her billionaire husband in St. Barts the other day.

You know, but I am noticing something slightly different about Salma's overall chichi situation. Usually, Salma's titties look like a tiny Julie Andrews should be running across them while singing in a full voice about their majestic beauty, but I don't see that here. Eh. It doesn't matter. Salma's chichis will always be magnificent to me. And I'm sure if there was a parched orphan around, she can still whip it out and shoot a shot of leche his way.

A little while ago some don't know bitch who shall rename nameless (KATHY!!!) IMed me and asked me why I was so obsessed with magnificent chichis. This ho just doesn't know. I'm gayer than a glitter storm in a disco roller rink, but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate a beautiful pair of breastes. I mean, it's not like I want to teabag Salma Hayek's chichis or fuck my no-no with one of her nipples. NO! I just want to place a little doily on each of them and then serve her tinted water in miniature teacups. Afterwards, I'll lay my head on one of them and she can brush my hair while her chichis hum La Leche song in my ear. That is all! Gays and titties can be best friends! I swear, some bitches.

Anyways, here's one of the reigning ladies of chichis Salma Hayek at the NYC premiere of Grown-Ups with some of her co-stars and a few bitches who don't belong at the opening of a toilet bowl let alone the opening of a movie. You decide who I'm talking about. In order: Chris Rock, David Spade, Maria Bello, Adam Sandler, Salma, Snooks, JWoww, that King of Queens dude, and an escapee from the nearest mental ward.

The current VP of the Magnificent Chichis Alliance, Salma Hayek, went to the the Chateau Marmont in Los Angeles on Wednesday night all ready to get her eat on, but the restaurant's hostess tried to block her from feeding her hunger. BITCH HONGRAY! According to Radar, Salma showed up with a few friends and without a reservation. When the hostess told Salma that she didn't have a table for them, the chichis hit the floor!

Apparently, a hurricane of Spanish words came pouring out of Salma's mouth. The hostess tried to calm Salma down by telling her she could have the next available table, but that still didn't stop her. When Salma's girlfriends finally told her to turn it off, she cooled down a bit and started bitching in English. Salma only stopped when the hostess finally seated them.

Salma, that's why you stop at McDonald's for an appetizer before you get to the restaurant! When the hostess at IHOP hands me one of those stupid vibrating pagers and tells me to wait, I simply stick a fry in my mouth hole to keep from bitching her ass out for keeping me from delicious pancakes.

And I bet Salma's chichis of wonder look amaaaaaaazing when she gets mad. Like two volcanos ready to BURST FORTH! I'm surprised her heaving angry bosom didn't knock out one of the hostess' eyes.

UPDATE: Salma's rep says this story is made out of LIES!!!!!!!!!

Salma Hayek, her miracle chichis and François-Henri Pinault all got married for a second time over the weekend in Venice. The first time Salma married money bags it was one of those fast weddings at city hall in Paris, so Francois didn't really get a chance to show everyone how really fucking rich he is. That's what the second wedding was for.

This shit looks like it was too fancy for my ass. I would've been asking for mini-bagel-pizzas and sparking Andre. Damn. I mean, they were even wearing masks. Rich people are so weird. I bet they had butt wipers wearing tuxedos in every bathroom stall and drank champagne out of crystal flutes filled with diamonds. I can't hate, because Salma that money, so she can buy the Isle of Lesbos and freely frolic on the beaches with her down-low partner in pussy Penny Cruz. Speaking of, you know Penny had to bite on a dildo when the preacher asked if anybody objected to this shit!

Here's all the fancies leaving or arriving at the Queen Chichis wedding. Guests included Anna Wintour, Penny Cruz, Javier Bardem, Gael Garcia Bernal, Lily Cole, Ashley Judd, Charlize Theron, Zhang Ziyi and Bono. When Salma's chichis fully cover from this party, she better do something about the swine flu. The cure is in her miracle chichis.

Yeah, Francois-Henri Pinault is looking at us like "Those world-saving chichis are all mine!" And that's because Francois married those tittays o' plenty on Valentine's Day in Paris! You know, he slipped up and said, "I Francois, take you beautiful chichis...." I mean, we all would.

Le Point (via People) says Francois and Salma Hayek became husband and chichis at the City Hall of the Sixth Arrondissement in Paris. The Mayor confirmed that shit.

Francois started titty fucking Salma back in 2007. They got engaged in March 2007, popped out their baby Valentina in September 2007 and then called off their engagement in July of 2008. They got back together this past September.

Francois uses Gucci bags to wipe his asshole, basically. He's the CEO of PPR who owns Gucci and other luxury brands. Last year, Forbes estimated his worth at $16.9 billion. It's good to know that Francois will have the money to replace his nose when it falls off from over-motorboating Salma's magical titty balls.

I didn't think it was possible for me to adore Salma Hayek anymore than I already do!! When she's not busy saving the world with her wonder leche, she's digging for gold! I doubt there's a pre-nup involved. Francois asked her to sign one, but she jiggled her bitties a bit which hypnotized him to forget all about that stupid document! In a quick minute, Salma will have all the cash she needs to buy the Isle of Lesbos for Penny Cruz. They will rename it the Isle of Chichis, naturally. That's my idea of heaven.

Yesterday, I posted a video of Salma Hayek using her chichis of wonder to save a starving baby in Sierra Leone. I joked that the baby is now a mega genius who can solve the world's most impossible problems. Well, that was no joke. Salma's miracle chichis really do turn babies into little prodigies.

During an interview with that troll Rachael Ray and Rachael's buff gymnast titties, Salma said her 16-month-old daughter Valentina can already speak three languages. She speaks English, French and Spanish. Damn and fuck! I can't even get English right and that baby has got me beat. Eff night classes at Sylvan Learning Center. I need to get schooled by Valentina. Or maybe I just need to nuzzle on Salma's chichis and they will give me all the answers.

Salma also went on to say that her daughter sees ghosts! "Last night she woke up and her eyes were open. And she's looking at one specific point and she's going, 'No no no no, au revoir,' which means goodbye in French ... And she's looking at someone, but there's no one there. was so scared, and I'm like, 'Yes, au revoir, whoever you are, get out!' And then she started saying it in English: 'Bye bye, bye bye!' I guess she was trying in different languages to see what nationality this ghost was to go away. It was terrifying!"

Homegirl was showing off her premium language skills. And it was just Einstein's spirit visiting her genius ass. Valentina tutors him at night.

VIA People

Last week, I babbled about Salma Hayek saving the world with her magnificent chichis by feeding a sick child in Sierra Leone. Well, here's the video! Skip to the 5:25 mark to see Salma's magic at work. They didn't show this part, but minutes after the baby's lips touched her chichi, his hair grew to the ground, he gained 20-pounds and he grew a couple of feet. He could also recite Finnegans Wake by heart and got his PHD in Calculus in a quick minute.

Salma also said that her great abuelita breastfed a stranger's hungry child back in the day. So feeding the world with her miracle chichis runs in Salma's blood!

Angie Jo who? All hail Saint Salma!

(Thanks Billy)

Salma Hayek is single-handedly feeding the hungry children of the world with her magnificent chichis of wonder! Salma recently went on a trip for UNICEF to Sierra Leone and encountered a starving child whose mommy had no milk. What did Salma do? Well, she whipped out her miracle mammies and let the baby suckle! I want to see St. Angelina do that shit. Yeah, right!

On Today (via CM) yesterday morning, Kathie Lee's drunk ass asked Salma, "You found a child that was starving to death, the mother had no milk - and you nursed that baby?" Salma nodded and added, "It's about women sticking together and we really need to help the children in any way we can."

Chelsea Handler was talking about this shit last night on her show and joked that grown men are going to start dressing up like babies just to lick on Salma's chichis. I co-sign that. I'm about to pull out the ruffled onesie I always keep in my closet "just in case." I'm going to put that bitch on and start goo-goo ga-ga-ing around Salma.

Seriously, Salma's chichis are the new Mother Theresa.

I bet if Salma went down to Wall Street and started shaking her bodacious bitties, the recession would suddenly end!