Lindsay Lohan

Pull up a crate and slip on a Hazmat-made mouth mask, because it's time for another Thanksgiving dinner at the crack house. The menu this time around includes more of the same: Michael Lohan's bullshit casserole (served with a giant side of delusion) and LiLo's tears of denial cocktail (which is basically just Red Bell and wet cigarettes).

Yesterday, Michael Lohan continued the non-stop fun by releasing an audio tape of White Oprah talking about how LiLo has punched her out and thrown her out of a car. I've already filed that image under: Things to think about when you need your mouth to smile.

LiLo has struck back against Michael and defended her beloved mother on Twitter. LiLo regularly holds her mother's weave up while she yacks up last night's party, so of course she's going to continue to fight her fight. LiLo wrote: "she blames herself for staying w/him for so long, I'd beg her not to leave b/c he always threatened to kill her if she did."

Every time LiLo's updates her Twitter, Michael's Twatter burps (they're synced up like that), so he immediately responded to her claims to Page Six:

"That's a lie. I guess Lindsay is on more drugs than I thought to say something like that. Now I'm going to release more recordings that prove everything she is saying is nothing more than a bunch of lies. No wonder why God is taking her entire career away from her. Because she's forsaken everything He's given her and she's done nothing but misuse all the gifts she's given."

And God is about to take away Michael Lohan's whoopee cushion man titties if he doesn't stop throwing around his good name like that. And those are his only gifts.

Here's White Oprah's defender leaving a house party in Los Angeles night. No need to call child protective services, because I don't think that's a fetus stashed in her womb area. LiLo is just getting creative when it comes where she hides shit she's snatched from other people's houses.

The Lohan family's "Best of the Worst Moments Special" continues thanks to Michael Lohan. Yesterday, Radar posted a taped phone conversation between Michael and LiLo. LiLo addressed the recording on her Twitter by saying that it was recorded years ago and accused her father of editing it for high drama.

LiLo also really ZING-ed it to daddy when she wrote, "I used to think. That he needed the book for dummies on learning how to be a father. Haha-he's needs the book for dummies on HOW TO BE A MAN." Don't HA HA at Lilo. Such a thing exists. It's called "Khloe Kardashian's Official Website."

In addition to all that, LiLo is also looking into filing criminal charges against her father. Well, White Oprah might want to co-sign LiLo's upcoming lawsuit, because she's the star of a new tape Radar has just released.

In the 30-second long clip from last year, White Oprah tells Michael that she has already tried to get their daughter into rehab. White Oprah says, "She's really sad and really hurt and really...despondent. I told her not to go to L.A. at 18...she did. I couldn't leave these other three kids to go get her and it was, like, a mess. You don't even know what I'd go through trying to get her into, like, rehab and stuff. She'd like, punch me in the face, kick me out of the car...like you don't know the shit I went through trying to get her an intervention by myself. It was very difficult."

You're not the only one who just smiled like a farting toddler when you read about White Oprah getting punched out by LiLo. I'm sure Michael will pull a tape of that incident out of his asshole and release it on Pay-Per-View very very soon.

But don't wave a hot knife at Michael Lohan for releasing tapes of his family's private phone conversation. Michael said that he really has no choice. It's the only way to clear HIS good name, "I admit, I'm being a bit selfish in releasing the tapes. But I'm tired of being lied about. I'm tired of Dina and others making me out to be someone I'm not, so now I'm going to prove to the world who the real liars are."

Silly me. Here I was thinking (not really) that Michael releasing the tapes was his strange way of trying to help his daughter. When all along it's been The Michael Lohan Show with special guest Linday Lohan.

Michael Lohan, the current reigning Father of the New Millennium (sorry, Joe Jackson), recently promised that he was going to release a bunch of taped phone conversations he had with his daughter. Well, Michael has come through and released a series of tapes to Radar. According to Michael, he did so because he wants the world to know that his daughter's life is not all rainbows and she desperately needs help. And because he needs a check to continue to buy fancy thread from Michael's to make friendship bracelets like the one above.

In the 3-minute long tape, LiLo cries uncontrollably to her father about how no one cares about her and White Oprah doesn't stand by her. At one point she says, “No one cares about me. They don’t, by the way. It’s about how they feel, not how I feel. It’s not about me. It’s never been about me, unless I fight for it.”

If you picture me saying these things after an 8-hour Mother's Circus Animal Cookie binge, it might make the tape less depressing. But not really.

Michael also has plans to roll out more tapes in the near future. And I'm sure he'll release remixes of each tape too. Michael is truly the Time Life of deadbeat dads.

If Gerard Slutler and HoHan are in a room together, you better believe that STD-infused saliva bombs will fly in a quick minute. So it's no surprise that the two reportedly made the free clinic proud by tongue fucking each other at the opening of the Mazagan Beach Resort in Morocco on Halloween.

Shortly after The Mirror spotted the two making out, HoHan apparently told them (for some reason), “He’s hot, he’s mine! I’ve got no ring on my finger so I’m gonna have lots of fun. This is the most romantic place in the world after all.” A few beats later, the two jumped in a golf cart and rode off to exchange genital germs in the night. Totally romantic.

Both Gerard and HoHan will fuck a toilet if it winked at them, so this was going to happen sooner or later. I'm sure that when the toxic fumes cleared, they both cleaned off their fuck parts with a fire extinguisher and went back out to hunt for their next victim.

And how much do you want to bet that they both tried to pick each other up the next night not realizing that they got it on the night before? Such is the life of a true slut. It happens to all of us.

Here's Blohan and Paula Abdul making pharmaceutical stocks rise while posing together at Richard Branson's "Rock The Kasbah" party in Los Angeles last night. Later on in the night, the two bonded even more while trying to smoke crushed up Klonopin pills out of a hookah.

Despite Blohan's nails looking like she just spent the past hour scratching out the residue from a crack pipe, she does look a little "better" here. Right? Or maybe I'm getting a contact high from these pictures and she still looks like a sun dried apricot.

Lindsay Lohan tells Life & Style (via E! Online) not to worry about her 15-year-old sister partying in clubs and bars with her, because she totally can handle drunk bitches, people overdosing and skeezy old dudes flashing her on the dancefloor. Well, she is learning from the best.

The voice of reason said, "She's tougher than I am. She has a good head on her shoulders. Maybe it was different for me because I didn't know what to expect and it just happened really fast. I didn't have a big sister." Blohan also added that Ali knows when to put down the Long Island Iced Tea to finish her homeschool work, "She's really good about that. If I'm going out late, she'll go home early."

I don't even know why Ali is bothering with homeschool. She's already learning the most important skills in life from hanging around her sister. I mean, don't you wish that at the age of 15 you learned how to pump a stomach with Alka-Seltzer pills and a cocktail straw? Or how to vomit perfectly into a bottle of beer without leaving a drop? I didn't learn those life skills until I was 18! AT LEAST! Ali is totally ahead of us all.

The Insider seems to be the new WWE! A couple of weeks ago, Nancy Grace gave Jon Grosselin a concussion without even getting out of her chair and now it's NeNe's turn! The Real Housewives of Atlanta's resident bitch slapper went head to head with Michael Lohan in an episode that airs tonight. Michael Lohan thought his mouth was a weapon of mass destruction, but he's never met NeNe before. Bitch bombs him before he can even get a sentence out.

Michael tries to make a few fat jokes, but the message barely gets to NeNe's ears since she's too busy blasting him. It doesn't take long before Michael's turtle head retreats back into his shell. I was hoping that the Fight Queen of Muni would've drop-kicked him out of the studio.

And if you press your ear to your window, you can still hear NeNe shouting "TOXIC PARROT" all the way from L.A.

Note: Yes, I know her ass is saying "parent," but it's much more entertaining and fitting if you pretend she's saying "parrot."

I understand if you have to excuse yourself from this post so that you can run to the nearest church where you will dip your face in holy water and fill your eye holes with crushed up communion wafers. This picture will have some of you grabbing for the cross. Moving on....

Yesterday, there were a rumor going around that LiLo and Balthazar Getty got it on a club in Hollywood. Blohan has taken that rumor, boiled it up, spread it on a flat surface, chopped it and snorted it up her nose hole! She claims it is all sorts of false. She told Gossip Cop that she only met Balthazar Getty for the first time that night. She also added, “You think I would do that to Sam [Ronson]? I love her.”

Blohan probably doesn't remember what happened 10 seconds ago, let alone what happened this past weekend, so the moment could have already been expelled from her brain. As it should have.

And how is she supposed to keep track of all the people (or things) she makes out with? I think she just sticks her tongue down any open hole from a bathroom drain to Balthazar Getty's mouth (they taste the same).

And Donatella Versace was born minutes after LiLo. Ugh. When you're 23-years-old and you make 305-year-old zombie vampire Donatella Versace looks like a newly sprung spring dandelion basking in the morning sun, it's time to retreat to the nearest oxygen tank to take a much-needed NAP! Don't get me wrong, Donatella still looks like she'd eat your brain right out of your skull with a gold-plated spork, but LiLo looks like she'd use your brains to cut her coke with. And do you really want your brains partaking in illegal activities? That was a trick question.

LiLo just needs to start all over again. Maybe when Michelle Duggar finishes birthing her ten millionth baby, she'll let LiLo crawl up in her womb and get some nourishment.

Here's more of LiLo and Donatella trading diet, tanning, beauty and drug tips at the Whitney Museum's Gala in NYC last night. Yeah, two creatures who look like they escaped from an exhibit at the Natural History Museum partying it up at the Whitney. WILD!

While some of you slut whores were doing ho shit over the weekend, a brand new type of venereal disease was birthed in Hollywood when Balthazar Getty and Blohan dry fucked each other at a club. Yeah, I think your genitals grew a puss-filled wart just from thinking about it. See you at the free clinic.

People says that Blohan showed up to West Hollywood club Voyeur with the still married Balthazar at her side. Some source said the two snuck in through the club's backdoor (hopefully, the backdoor was covered with a dental dam) and only stayed for 30-minutes. During that time, they were "all over each other" at a table in the front room.

Okay, before you start farting about how Blohan is licking up Sienna Miller's sloppy seconds, think about it for a minute. Sienna Miller is a cock connoisseur, so Blohan figured Balthazar must give good dick. And for her big return to the peen, Blohan wanted to make sure she got on a dick that would make her pork loaf simmer.

And if you see a weepy dick and tortured vagina hitchhiking along the highway, they belong to Balthazar and Blohan. They're trying to get away again. Put on your masks and wave to them from afar.