Lindsay Lohan

Everyone knows that LiLo would empty a donation basket in her purse at Sunday mass, so I don't know why bitches keep inviting her to events at their stores. That's just asking to be cleaned out.

Pop Tarts says that when LiLo was paid to attend the launch of Jermaine Dupri and jewelry designer Pascal Mouawad's watch line at Kitson, she wanted a whole lot more than just a complimentary glass of champagne. Apparently, Pascal already promised her ass $500 worth of Kitson merchandise. When she complained that it wasn't enough, he upped it to $1,000.

After Hurricane Crackhead blew through the store and grabbed a bunch of shit, her bill came to almost $15,000. LiLo simply said that Pascal would cover the entire amount, because she was the only celebrity who attended his event. A source added, “Pascal said no, so she went and started talking smack about him to Jermaine Dupri who doesn’t even know her. He was totally bewildered and couldn’t believe it. Eventually Pascal said she could have $2000 to spend but that was the absolutely limit.”

When Pascal refused to cover the full bill, LiLo told one of the Kitson employees that they should give her the rest of the shit for free, because she's always been a loyal customer. She promised she would let the paparazzi take pictures of her holding Kitson bags.

In the end, LiLo was told "NO," because the employees couldn't get a hold of the owner of Kitson. She stormed out with her $2,000 worth of crap.

Hey, LiLo went from $500 to $2,000, so not all was lost. The next time I go to Tijuana (the home of wheeling and dealing), I'm taking this wreck with me. She can probably get a child to give up his box of chiclas and empty out his pockets to her. Bitch is a RUTHLESS bargainer.

And imagine her bargaining with her dealer? "If you give me this 8-ball for free, I promise to be photographed looking like a total gutter troll. I'm promoting your product!"

Michael Lohan might have been the only bitch who truly enjoyed I Know Who Killed Me. He might have enjoyed it a little tooooo much if this story about him is true. Warning: Sucioness ahead.

Elliot Osher, the former owner of Scores strip club in NYC, tells Rush & Molloy that Michael Lohan once ordered up a LiLo look-alike to dance for him . Elliot said, "Lindsay Lohan's father once sat down and described the kind of dancer he was looking for. We sent some girls over. Funny, they all seemed to look like Lindsay."

Michael immediately queefed on Elliot's accusations, "No girls danced for me. The last thing I'd want to see is a girl who looked like Lindsay. I don't even look at the magazines where she's done some risqué photos."

But Elliot stands by his claim, "Maybe he just doesn't remember. The next week, Lindsay wanted to meet the girls who'd danced for her dad."

If Michael waits a few months, he can probably get the real thing to dance for him at the Spearmint Rhino during the morning shift. Just looking at a picture of Michael Lohan makes me want to call a hotline for help, so this rumor doesn't really surprise me. This is why you can never trust a tampon in a mesh shirt!

Seriously, the Lohan fuckery must come to an end. It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt. And by "someone," I mean our souls and appetites.

Here's LiLo looking like the picture of sobriety while showing up to a house party at 4:30 in the morning. Don't worry, she was there for sunrise bible study.

Over at Page Six, they are saying that Lindsay Lohan fled Brittny Gastineau's birthday party after her ex partner in pussy, Courtenay "Nay Nay" Semel, begged her to go to rehab. Maybe LiLo left for a minute to go find an extra vowel for her name so that she could fit in with the rest of them. She should've just asked Brittny if she could borrow the "E" she's not using. That way she could be Lindesay Lohan. Oh well. BUT SERIOUSLY.....

A source said that Nay Nay, who just graduated from rehab, confronted LiLo about getting help. It did not go well, and LiLo ran out of the joint in tears. The source went on to say, "Everyone was trying to keep them apart, especially since Courtenay is recently out of rehab and has pleaded with Lindsay to do the same. Everything was fine for a while, and Lindsay seemed happy, but then there was a confrontation when she came out of the bathroom, and she ran out in tears. Everyone fears she's on some kind of self-destructive collision course."

I'd probably be in tears too if I was reminded that I was once played Nay Nay's clitoris like a harmonica. And if you have no idea who Nay Nay is, GOOGLE HER, you dumb fuck!

LiLo uses her fingers for all sorts of things (i.e. clitty tickling, cokey sampling, Twittering etc...), but using them to take out her to pay for things is not one of them. Usually, when LiLo snatches something, she just walks out with it like it magically dropped out of her snatch. But at Hollywood's Crown Bar last week, LiLo pulled out a different trick.

According to Pop Tarts, LiLo ordered a bottle of champagne towards the end of the night. When the cocktail waitress asked her to pay up for it, LiLo pointed at Kellan Lutz from Twilight and told her to put it on his bill. Shortly after that, LiLo waltzed out of the place without ever paying for the bottle.

Ha. I'm tempted to try that trick, but with my luck I'd end up in the basement of the club with two gigantic hairy men standing over me. It would not be rainbows and kittens. And I also really don't need another anal rejuvenation surgery.

Here's our little champagne robber at some party last night and also leaving Nachos' (Wonky's ex) house at 7 this morning. I will simply say that she looks like she recently had a whore bath in the sink of an AM/PM restroom, so she's looking better than usual.

When Emanuel Ungaro saw the pictures from LiLo's first collection as Ungaro's "artistic adviser," he didn't exactly lick his nipples or pinch his peen hole in delight. Instead he found the nearest coffin, got in it and then rolled over. Basically, he's not happy.

Ungaro sold the fashion house which shares his name back in 2005. He hasn't had any contact with the label since then. At a film festival in Lisbon, Ungaro was asked what he thought about the collection. He answered, "Lindsay Lohan's collaboration was a disaster. I am furious but I can't do anything about it. Ungaro is in the process of losing its soul. That happens to a lot of designers. We were the creators and patrons, responsible for the creation and destiny of our houses. But when we gave up our houses, we gave up our souls."

So LiLo is Maryann the soul-sucking Maenad from True Blood? I always wondered why everyone around LiLo had black pupils. Now that Ungaro mentions it, it all makes sense.

VIA The Cut

Lindsay Lohan was doing down-low sexy times with Heath Ledger right before he died. That's what White Oprah claims anyway in a yet another taped phone conversation released by the savior of all saviors Michael Lohan. White Oprah is always dropping those names. And the hits just keep coming out of Michael's swollen ass mouth.

Radar posted the conversation between White Oprah and Michael Lohan. As usual, you don't hear Michael's voice and the whole thing was probably edited using the 1999 version of Quicktime on a Mac Clamshell. In the clip, White Oprah burps that Heath Ledger's death really fucked her daughter up because they were dating at the time, "And she was dating Heath when he died. I don't know if you know that, but I know cause I would drop her off and they were friends very, very close, ok?"

White Oprah adds that she's scared that what happened to Heath Ledger could happen to LiLo, because she can't control herself around booze and Adderall. White Oprah also believes that LiLo can't quit her partner in pussy SamRo, because of her problems with addiction, "It's very easy for a rational person to say. But for an irrational person who has a problem with her DNA and alcohol and Adderall and asthma and every other things she's got wrong with her."

And there's a bit that Michael Lohan probably forgot to erase in post-edit, because he was too busy dry humping one of his turtlenecks (you know he has a turtleneck fetish). White Oprah said that whenever LiLo's at home with her, she's too scared to sleep by herself, "She cannot be alone. When she sleeps here she sleeps with me... she has fears from being little and what you did to us."

In the next tape, White Oprah will reveal that LiLo was making a record with Michael Jackson at the time of his death. Oh, and right before Billy Mays went off to the giant infomercial in the sky, she wants in talks to be the new face of OxiClean. You know, because she's such a fan of the Oxies.

What I want to know is, when is Dr. Drew going to produce a family version of Celebrity Rehab for the Lohans? They all need it. Well, all of them except for Nana Lohan. She's the silent voice of reason in this mess. I just picture her shaking her head while holding her glass of Metamucil.

Pull up a crate and slip on a Hazmat-made mouth mask, because it's time for another Thanksgiving dinner at the crack house. The menu this time around includes more of the same: Michael Lohan's bullshit casserole (served with a giant side of delusion) and LiLo's tears of denial cocktail (which is basically just Red Bell and wet cigarettes).

Yesterday, Michael Lohan continued the non-stop fun by releasing an audio tape of White Oprah talking about how LiLo has punched her out and thrown her out of a car. I've already filed that image under: Things to think about when you need your mouth to smile.

LiLo has struck back against Michael and defended her beloved mother on Twitter. LiLo regularly holds her mother's weave up while she yacks up last night's party, so of course she's going to continue to fight her fight. LiLo wrote: "she blames herself for staying w/him for so long, I'd beg her not to leave b/c he always threatened to kill her if she did."

Every time LiLo's updates her Twitter, Michael's Twatter burps (they're synced up like that), so he immediately responded to her claims to Page Six:

"That's a lie. I guess Lindsay is on more drugs than I thought to say something like that. Now I'm going to release more recordings that prove everything she is saying is nothing more than a bunch of lies. No wonder why God is taking her entire career away from her. Because she's forsaken everything He's given her and she's done nothing but misuse all the gifts she's given."

And God is about to take away Michael Lohan's whoopee cushion man titties if he doesn't stop throwing around his good name like that. And those are his only gifts.

Here's White Oprah's defender leaving a house party in Los Angeles night. No need to call child protective services, because I don't think that's a fetus stashed in her womb area. LiLo is just getting creative when it comes where she hides shit she's snatched from other people's houses.

The Lohan family's "Best of the Worst Moments Special" continues thanks to Michael Lohan. Yesterday, Radar posted a taped phone conversation between Michael and LiLo. LiLo addressed the recording on her Twitter by saying that it was recorded years ago and accused her father of editing it for high drama.

LiLo also really ZING-ed it to daddy when she wrote, "I used to think. That he needed the book for dummies on learning how to be a father. Haha-he's needs the book for dummies on HOW TO BE A MAN." Don't HA HA at Lilo. Such a thing exists. It's called "Khloe Kardashian's Official Website."

In addition to all that, LiLo is also looking into filing criminal charges against her father. Well, White Oprah might want to co-sign LiLo's upcoming lawsuit, because she's the star of a new tape Radar has just released.

In the 30-second long clip from last year, White Oprah tells Michael that she has already tried to get their daughter into rehab. White Oprah says, "She's really sad and really hurt and really...despondent. I told her not to go to L.A. at 18...she did. I couldn't leave these other three kids to go get her and it was, like, a mess. You don't even know what I'd go through trying to get her into, like, rehab and stuff. She'd like, punch me in the face, kick me out of the car...like you don't know the shit I went through trying to get her an intervention by myself. It was very difficult."

You're not the only one who just smiled like a farting toddler when you read about White Oprah getting punched out by LiLo. I'm sure Michael will pull a tape of that incident out of his asshole and release it on Pay-Per-View very very soon.

But don't wave a hot knife at Michael Lohan for releasing tapes of his family's private phone conversation. Michael said that he really has no choice. It's the only way to clear HIS good name, "I admit, I'm being a bit selfish in releasing the tapes. But I'm tired of being lied about. I'm tired of Dina and others making me out to be someone I'm not, so now I'm going to prove to the world who the real liars are."

Silly me. Here I was thinking (not really) that Michael releasing the tapes was his strange way of trying to help his daughter. When all along it's been The Michael Lohan Show with special guest Linday Lohan.

Michael Lohan, the current reigning Father of the New Millennium (sorry, Joe Jackson), recently promised that he was going to release a bunch of taped phone conversations he had with his daughter. Well, Michael has come through and released a series of tapes to Radar. According to Michael, he did so because he wants the world to know that his daughter's life is not all rainbows and she desperately needs help. And because he needs a check to continue to buy fancy thread from Michael's to make friendship bracelets like the one above.

In the 3-minute long tape, LiLo cries uncontrollably to her father about how no one cares about her and White Oprah doesn't stand by her. At one point she says, “No one cares about me. They don’t, by the way. It’s about how they feel, not how I feel. It’s not about me. It’s never been about me, unless I fight for it.”

If you picture me saying these things after an 8-hour Mother's Circus Animal Cookie binge, it might make the tape less depressing. But not really.

Michael also has plans to roll out more tapes in the near future. And I'm sure he'll release remixes of each tape too. Michael is truly the Time Life of deadbeat dads.

If Gerard Slutler and HoHan are in a room together, you better believe that STD-infused saliva bombs will fly in a quick minute. So it's no surprise that the two reportedly made the free clinic proud by tongue fucking each other at the opening of the Mazagan Beach Resort in Morocco on Halloween.

Shortly after The Mirror spotted the two making out, HoHan apparently told them (for some reason), “He’s hot, he’s mine! I’ve got no ring on my finger so I’m gonna have lots of fun. This is the most romantic place in the world after all.” A few beats later, the two jumped in a golf cart and rode off to exchange genital germs in the night. Totally romantic.

Both Gerard and HoHan will fuck a toilet if it winked at them, so this was going to happen sooner or later. I'm sure that when the toxic fumes cleared, they both cleaned off their fuck parts with a fire extinguisher and went back out to hunt for their next victim.

And how much do you want to bet that they both tried to pick each other up the next night not realizing that they got it on the night before? Such is the life of a true slut. It happens to all of us.