Lindsay Lohan

If the producers of Lifetime's Liz & Dick cast an orange parking cone in a brown wig to play Richard Burton opposite Lindsay Lohan's Elizabeth Taylor, that bitch should shut her lips and nod, because she should be lucky that someone is giving her a chance to prove that she's not a chronic professional fuck up and is about as pleasant as getting finger fucked by an eagle. But Lindsay Lohan wouldn't be Lindsay Lohan if she didn't induce a dozen eye rolls with her self-entitled antics, so of course she's already a freckled thorn in the producers' ass lips.

A source tells Radar that the producers of that basic cable foolery put Matthew Settle of Gossip Girl, Sean Maguire of Meet the Spartans and Craig Robert Young on the short list for the role of Richard Burton, but LiLo waved all of them away. The fact that this is a movie for FUCKING LIFETIME hasn't penetrated through the fart bubble of delusion that LiLo lives in and so she thinks an A-lister should star opposite her, so says the source:

"Lindsay is being an absolute nightmare about who should play Burton. She believes Matthew Settle is too old to play the role, and she wants a major A-list star to be her co-star. However, her salary for the role took up a major portion of the budget, and the Burton gig will likely only pay $200k, max. The producers don't need to get Lindsay's approval of who will play Richard Burton, but they want to keep her happy.

They are already in pre-production and it's very hard to conduct any rehearsals without the pivotal role of Richard Burton. There is also cause for concern because Lindsay partied all night last week with Paris Hilton, Barron Hilton and Brandon Davis. All three, including Lindsay, have been arrested for DUI and/or drug charges previously. Lindsay shouldn't be out partying all night long, no good can come of that."

LiLo wants to fly to London to handpick her own Richard Burton, but the producers aren't going to fund that trip.

None of these dudes give me Richard Burton vibes, but this movie is just a whoring for ratings project camouflaged as an Elizabeth Taylor biopic so it doesn't matter who plays him. I wouldn't be surprised if LiLo ended up playing Liz AND Dick so she can collect two checks. I also wouldn't be surprised if White Oprah is trying to get the producers to cast The Curious Case of Ali Lohan as Richard Burton so she can collect two commissions. "It doesn't count as incest if it's done in front of the cameras.... for a check..... and if the producers give their pimp a lifetime supply of Svedka as a finders fee." - White Oprah's life motto

But seriously, since Liz & Dick is already a mess, the producers should get totally messy by casting Pete "Dreamboat" Doherty, seen below looking hot at Cannes, as Richard Burton. Dreamboat is absolutely perfect for the simple fact that he wouldn't flinch if LiLo sneezed up a coke booger on his face during the kissing scenes.

Pictures like these call for the return of Say Something Nice, so let your bitch gene go temporarily dormant (I know you won't) and let's play nice for once. Lindsay Lohan's cheeks and lips looked like they were trying to get majority share of her face as she posed at the A&E Upfronts in NYC today. A&E is part owner of Lifetime, so LiLo was there to promote Liz & Dick. Now on to the niceness!

1. That ombre face - LiLo is setting trends with that shit! Ombre face is perfect for when you can only afford 1/4th of a spray tan.

2. Those brows - The Curious Case of Ali Lohan isn't the only Lohan who can give us some serious eyebrow situation. If you need a steady hand, a spackling knife and paint thinner to strip the layers of brow pencil from your brows at the end of the night, you're doing it right! Yes, LiLo's brows sort of look like furry poops, but scat is so in!

3. That random bobby pin - 60s glamour on a Dollar Tree budget. Can't shade a bitch for being frugal IN THIS ECONOMY.

4. Those lips - Those gummy worm lips sort of make her looks like Nien Numb in drag, which is a good thing since Star Wars definitely needed more drag queen glamour.

5. That overall face - LiLo's face looks like it was harvested from Jocelyn Wildenstein's face, and that' seriously the nicest thing I've said about anybody. My nice tank is officially empty.

On Saturday night in NYC, Lindsay Lohan squeezed herself through the window of the bathroom in Phillipe restaurant, texted the paparazzi with her exact coordinates, crawled on the floor through the dining room while snatching tips off of tables, got up and then walked out the front door right behind Woody Allen so it looks like they just had dinner together. And that's how a shameless, fame-eating attention whore does it!

No, TMZ says that Woody and his grown child bride Soon-Yi had dinner with LiLo, because they've been friends for years and he stood by her ass while most hos hated on her for being the messy tornado of coke she is. LiLo isn't on PedoBear's radar and Soon-Yi isn't her mother, so we don't have to worry about her and Woody replacing Kim and Kanye as the stroll's most vomit-inducing couple. So you can Magic Erase that image in your head of a dehydrated turtle nibbling on a freckled syphilis sore. But some source (born name: Donata Sullivan) says that LiLo and Woody have been talking about possibly working together in the future. That sentence right there is the only evidence Woody Allen's doctor needs to officially diagnose him as fucking senile. But then again, I would like to see a cracked out version of Play It Again, Sam called Play It Again, SamRo.

Since SamRo has an album of off-key dog howls to sell, she's gotta get back out on the ho stroll to work it hard and that's where her former partner in pussy Lindsay Lohan comes in. It's been two years since SamRo and LiLo scissored the fleas off of each other, but just like a raggedy, beat down moth to a flamecrotch, they can't stay away from one another. While SamRo was in NYC promoting her album, she reunited with LiLo and apparently picked at the crusty, stank, oozing scab called "their love." A witness type told X17Online (via DM) that the lesbian Amy & Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake were touching on each other at a club called Le Baron on Tuesday night. This is what X17's source said about the tenth (or twelfth, or twentieth.. I lost count) coming of ManSay (or whatever their stupid couple name was):

"Lindsay and Sam were whispering and laughing and they left the club holding hands. They didn't care who saw them, and they definitely seem to be back on. It was just like the old days -- they couldn't get enough of each other!"

CORRECTION: It doesn't sound it was totally like the old days. In the old days, the night would've ended with a boozed and coked up Blohan throwing herself on the hood of SamRo's car after breaking several glasses in the bar because she thought she saw SamRo making clit flicking eyes at some cocktail waitress. But if X17 is telling the truth, I'm sure we'll hear about acts of romance like that in the next few days.

And since the 2008 tomb is wide open and all the ghosts are coming out, can we please get a visit from La Pequeña?! I've put her face on every leche carton. Instead of looking at some boring ass pictures of LiLo's lips trying to jump off of her face (see below), let's relive the panty creaming brilliance of La Pequeña.

Lady CaCa wishes she could bring it like that!

Don't you just hate it when you mistake a salt shaker for a coke shaker (see: picture of LiLo above)?

As expected, Fox News kept up their reputation as the hardest working fuckery makers in the game by bringing a triple dose of fame whore to last night's White House Correspondents' Dinner at the Hilton in DC. Lindsay Lohan came as a guest of Fox's Greta van Susteren, and Kim Kuntrashian and Pimp Mama Kris came as guests of Fox's affiliate in the 9th circle of Hell. LiLo actually bathed with soap for the occasion and covered her freckled carcass with the discount Windsor Fashions dress you wore to your prom in 1989. Even though that cheap ass dress looks like it was made with doggy poop bags, it was perfect for the occasion. It showcased her saggy wrinkly side tit and its skirt completely covered up the bags that were strapped to her thighs to hold all the silverware, jooree and centerpieces she stole from the event. "What did I do with my diamond bracelet?" is definitely the most used sentence in DC this morning.

As for Kim and PMK, they dressed up as Whore Kristmas. Kim wore a velvet dress that's the exact shade of the fumes that billow out of her cooze hole after she bumps wet parts with Kanye.  Pimp Mama Kris wore her creator's favorite color and it looked like a dynamite stick stuffed with foundation blew up in her face right before she walked through a wind tunnel. Not only is bitch's face pulled, but so is her hair. Pimp Mama Kris' hair was standing straight up like it was reaching for God to help it.

I couldn't find any pictures of Kim and LiLo together, but I'm assuming there will be some later after pictures from the Secret Service's after-party held at the Super 8 in Virginia come out. In the meantime, here's some pictures from last night. In order: LiLo, Rick Santorum (getting a quick buzz from breathing in the coke dust cloud that surrounds LiLo), Kim with PMK, Mary J. Blige with her husband Kendu Isaacs, DanRad with Ronan Farrow, Charlize Theron, Kate Hudson, Claire Danes, Sookeh with Beehl, Goldie Hawn, Rosario Dawson with a pair of plastic baby heads, Dakota Fanning, Ginnifer Goodwin (after a bedskirt bukkake session), Eva Longoria, Zooey Deschanel, Swizz Beak with Alicia Keys, Martha Stewart, Viola Davis with her husband Julius Tennon and Oprah's handmaiden.

Seen here on the Glee set today looking like Gollum's cig-addicted mother who works at the last truck stop before Mordor, Lindsay Lohan's pristine reputation as a responsible, hard-working, polite and pleasant employee remains non-existent! LiLo worked on the Glee set for a total of 3 days (counting today) and so far a cast member has eye rolled her on Twitter and hos have described her as a "nightmare." White Oprah just lifted her head off of a bartender's body after doing a shot out of his belly button and said, "That's my little mess!"

E! News says that LiLo's first day of shooting actually caused a few crew members to die of shock, because she showed up on time, knew her lines and was completely professional. Well, did you think LiLo would deprive the cast of crew from experiencing her signature spoiled cunt theatrics? Of course not. For her second day of shooting yesterday, LiLo showed up 3 hours late and acted like she didn't want to be there even though she should be polishing everyone's taint with her tongue for giving her a chance. Dot Marie Jones, who plays Coach Bieste, Tweeted and then deleted this yesterday morning:

"Gonna be a long day!! Some ppl show up late and just throw a wrench in things. Not cool! I'd rather be an hour early (I was) than 5 minutes late."

E!'s source added that she "did not want to work. She had not memorized her lines, and she kept disappearing so no one could find her."

LiLo's rep Steve Honig, who must have broken dozens of pairs of stress balls with his butt cheeks while lying for this ho, did his job by defending her ass:

"The production team came to us and said that they wanted to start [with Lindsay] right after lunch, which was at 2. They wanted to begin with Lindsay at 3, so that meant she had a lot of time where she wasn't doing anything. That's why people didn't see her. She was then in hair and makeup and began after lunch at 3. If there was a problem yesterday, I would have just said 'no comment,' however I can't ignore this because this is utter B.S. This is a classic example of people trying to bash Lindsay. She busted her ass yesterday and is back on set again today."

Steve Honig is so good at spitting the bull shit that if you ever need someone to call in sick for you when you're not sick or to tell your boyfriend that you didn't cheat on him with some trick from the bar when you did, he's the dude you need in your life.

Another Glee source said that LiLo showed up on time today and has been on her best behavior so far.

When it comes to showing up on time, LiLo is like my cousins. If you want their tardy for the party asses to show up at 5, you have to tell them to be there at 2. If the producers of Glee expected her to always be on set, they should've shot all her scenes at the bar at Chateau Marmont. If they wanted her to memorize lines, they should've wrote those lines on a coke-snorting mirror. They didn't even try to work with her! The producers brought this upon themselves and they only have themselves to blame. Signed, White Oprah.

 (stunning portrait of LiLo via Pacific Coast News)

To prepare for this Saturday's White House Correspondents' Dinner, the White House staff is gluing down all valuables and mirrors since Lindsay Lohan will be there as Greta Van Susteren's guest. And now the White House staff has to also glue down all black dicks too, because Kim Kuntrashian has been invited for the second time. Yeah, I'm talking about the White House Correspondents' Dinner and not the Whore House Correspondents' Dinner. (I would totally buy a ticket to the Whore House Correspondents' Dinner, by the way.)

Mediate says that Kim and Pimp Mama Kris will be there as guests of Fox News. The rest of the guest list isn't as whorey and I'm hoping LiLo and Kim's table will be in the back alley and they'll have to watch the event on an analog TV while the Secret Service offers them a Washington for a quick handy. The rest of the guest list includes: Daniel Day-Lewis, Uggie the Dog, Dakota Fanning, Sofia Vergara, Charlize Theron, Paul Rudd, Elizabeth Banks, The Mythbusters, Zooey Deschanel, Stevie Wonder, George Clooney, Goldie Hawn, Sookeh & Beehl, Fred Armisen, William Levy and Aziz Ansari.

And then there's LiLo and Kim...

I think I learned in science class that the sign God needs to end civilization by hitting the red button in his home office is a Lohan shaking hands with the President just as the First Lady compliments a Kuntrashian on her pearl necklace. No, I'm just being melodramatic as usual. Nobody's going to notice those pieces of trash since all the attention in the room will be on Snooki (as a guest of MTV) and Courtney Stodden (as a guest of InTouchWeekly).

Fine silverware will be traded for Dixie plastic sporks and an open bar will be traded for a pitcher of water at the White House Correspondents Dinner this year, because Lindsay Lohan will show up as a guest of Greta Van Susteren. LiLo will join an illustrious list of past White House Correspondent Dinner guests that includes Kim Kardashian, Bristol Palin, Jeremy Piven, Brooke Burke, Sanjaya, Justin Bieber, Jessica Simpson and Omarosa. I know, reading that list is like visiting the planetarium. So many bright shiny stars! If they were a constellation, their name would be the Orilly (short for the O Rilly These Whores Were Actually Invited To The White House?). Susan Sarandon has no laughs for that.

LiLo's spokeswhore confirms to The Washington Post that she will be there along with her lawyer Shawn Holley who I'm guessing will be there as a crackheadsitter to make sure that ho doesn't break a glass over Hillary Clinton's head for looking at her wrong.

The bad news is that Michelle Obama will have to Super Glue her diamond bracelet to her wrist if she doesn't want LiLo to snatch it away like the sneaky thief she is. But the good news is that the Secret Service don't have to go all the way to Colombia to get some leased coochie. This time, the call girl is coming to them!

And here's LiLo looking like a freshly bloomed marigold at a Star Magazine party in L.A. last night.

If you were hoping that Lifetime would put down the crack pipe (a Lohan family heirloom) and come to their senses by casting their queen Meredith Baxter-Birney as Elizabeth Taylor in their basic cable biopic, you wasted all your hopes on that shit. Because Lifetime made it official last night by announcing that Lindsay Lohan, who isn't even hot enough to play Rip Taylor in a movie, will take on the role of La Liz in Liz & Dick (which you shouldn't confuse with the title of LiLo's upcoming memoirs, Lez & Dick).

Lifetime's VP of Programming, Rob Sharenow, queefed out a press release to Deadline and in it he made it perfectly clear that his thoughts are powered by White Oprah's ass farts. Think of all the words you'd use to describe LiLo (examples: haggard, beat, whory, etc..) Well, Rob used the opposite of those words:

Lindsay Lohan is set to star as the legendary Elizabeth Taylor in the Lifetime Original Movie Liz & Dick, based on the true story of the screen icon’s historic romance with actor Richard Burton. Principal photography on the movie will begin in early June in Los Angeles, it was announced today by Rob Sharenow, Executive Vice President, Programming, of Lifetime Networks.

Regarding the announcement, Lohan said, “I have always admired and had enormous respect for Elizabeth Taylor. She was not only an incredible actress but an amazing woman as well. I am very honored to have been asked to play this role.”

“We are thrilled Lindsay will portray beloved Hollywood legend Elizabeth Taylor,” added Sharenow. “She is one of the rare actresses who possesses the talent, beauty and intrigue to capture the spirit of such a provocative icon.”

Many hos (including your memaw who will definitely call you up after watching this mess to ask, "Why did The Albino from Princess Bride play Elizabeth Taylor?") aren't happy about this and one of those hos is Rosie O'Donnell. Rosie O was one of the heads, along with Star Jones and Donny Deutsch, on the Today show's cerberus of terror this morning and she let it be known that she's turning her thumb down to this shit:

Rosie: I feel very sorry for her. I think she needs a lot of time away. She's had a lot of trouble doing every single movie including SNL. She was out and not in rehearsal. I think she's not in a place to work."

Star: I used to think she was extremely talented, but I have not seen enough of her as an actress in recent years to really make an evaluation.

Donnie: It's a great idea. She's our generation's Elizabeth Taylor. The only one-

Rosie: You're out of your mind! You're a crackhead! Get out of here! The last thing she did good she was 16! ......I don't think she's right for the role and I don't think she's capable at this point of doing what is needed to portray that character.

I know the story here should be that some of us need to take a group Silkwood Shower together since we've been tainted with the feeling of actually agreeing with Star and Rose, but the real story here is that Donny Douche hates Elizabeth Taylor as much as Lifetime does.

The housekeeping department at The Standard Hotel no longer has to worry about wiping dirty bronzer skid marks from the toilet seats Lindsay Lohan does lines off of, because she has vowed to never ever terrorize that place again. LiLo made that decision, because she somehow magically keeps getting into bitch brawl after bitch brawl there. You know, because the place is the drunked up, cracked out mess, not her. TMZ says that LiLo is on the prowl for a new place to haunt and so every bar in L.A. should probably only use plastic glasses from now on. TMZ also said this shit:

We're told Lindsay is fully aware she's now a big fat target ... knowing full well there are people who want either quick publicity, some easy money or both -- but she vows not to become a shut-in out of fear.

As for Wednesday's drink-throwing debacle -- Lindsay admits she was at The Standard's nightclub Smoke and Mirrors ... but insists the other girl was the instigator.

What ever happened to LiLo promising to spend her nights knitting bible verses into pillow cases while sipping lukewarm lemon water from a mug? This dumb bitch. Trouble doesn't go looking for LiLo, LiLo goes looking for trouble. It's like if I go on Craigslist looking for peen and then clutch my pearls three hours later when I've suddenly got a dick in my ass. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?! If LiLo wasn't dumber than a suppository, she'd monetize being a mess. She'd move back to the East Coast, join the cast of Mob Wives and get paid to scrap with hos in bars.

(Picture via Pacific Coast News)