Lindsay Lohan

On Friday there was a rumor going around the block that Lindsay Lohan threw a drink at SamRo during a fight at some club. Well, today there's a new story about how SamRo threw her fists at HoHan's face. This is what happens when Michael Lohan and fan fiction meet.

A source (aka The Bagina Basher of Long Island) close to both SamRo and HoHan tells Radar that there's some lezzie domestic violence shit going on. The source said, “One time I saw her [Lindsay] and she had a large welt on her head. She told me that Sam beat the (bleep) out of her. She also said that Sam even punched and choked her one time.”

It doesn't help matters that SamRo moved into LiLo's apartment building, “It’s so twisted. They’re not together, but they are. I never thought I’d ever say this, but I really do feel sorry for Lindsay. She is just lost. She’s alone. She has no friends to turn to.”

While I'm sure the two have whooped each other over the last line, I don't know if I completely buy this. I just tried to envision LiLo as Sophia and SamRo as Harpo from The Color Purple, and it didn't work. I even pictured LiLo giving the "All my life..." speech to Pooty. Does not compute.

This rumor sounds like something that came out of Michael Lohan's ass during one of his more intense bowel movements. But if it is true, throw SamRo in the clink! Actually, SamRo surrounded by butch puss doesn't sound like much of a punishment. Throw her in White Oprah's basement instead!

Lindsay Lohan might be a crackity crackhead, pill popper, drunk, kleptomaniac, hoarder, compulsive liar, Pooty's arch rival, fame fucker and child pimp, but none of those things make me want to UPS her a straitjacket like this story from Radar. According to some witness (aka Pooty disguised as a potted plant), LiLo threw a cup of vodka (that's "angelic tears of joy" to you and me) in SamRo's face at a club on Wednesday night! EEEEE-LEGAL!

This source explained that SamRo was working her usual "pushing play on iTunes" gig at Crown Bar in West Hollywood when the crackie tornado busted through the doors.

The source goes on, "Lindsay was drinking straight out of a bottle of vodka and I saw her take an orange prescription bottle out of her bag and pop a couple of pills that she said were Adderal, she even offered some of the pills to a friend that was with her. Lindsay was trying to get Sam's attention, but she was working and studiously ignored Lindsay. You could see Lindsay getting more and more worked up the more Sam didn't pay her any attention. Sam just got sick of it all in the end though and started taunting Lindsay about her being all drunk and messed up. She said to Lindsay, 'Why don't you just have another drink?' and even told her, 'You're a disgrace'.

That made Lindsay just totally flip out on Sam. She picked up a drink and threw it straight in her face! Sam was absolutely furious and picked up some DJ equipment that was by her and threw that at Lindsay. It was crazy!"

That's crazy alright. It's certifiable. LiLo's craziness has really snorted up the line this time. And I thought she respected the booze! How dreadful.

I mean, I'm sure LiLo has thrown vodka at SamRo before, but usually she aims for the vag and sticks a celery stalk in there. Breakfast of champions.

Here's the booze-abuser going to dinner at Madeo last night.

Lindsay Lohan sat down with The Insider's Niecy Nash to talk about her mess of a life and also her mess of an apartment. Yes, LiLo is a Hoarder (add a "w" to that if you're feeling extra cunty today). But instead of hoarding cat carcasses and caca-filled diapers (those Hoarders episodes still invade my nightmares), she fills her apartment with shoes, Guitar Hero stuff and clothes.

Niecy, who is also the ringmaster on Clean House, is going to try to help LiLo tame the mess. There's really an easier way for LiLo to get rid of all that shit. Half of it probably isn't even hers, so if you lost anything (even a sock in the dryer) in the past year, just show up to LiLo's den of crackery to pick your shit up.

And maybe it's time to get new people when the only TV show you can get booked on is The Insider and Hoarders.

via ONTD

Lindsay Lohan has accepted Richard Lugner's invitation to be his date to the Vienna Opera Ball in Austria next month. The 77-year-old socialite (I'm talking about Richard) selects a delicate flower of Hollywood to be his date to the ball every year. Richard's past escorts reads like a who's who of the CDC: Pamela Anderson, Nicollette Sheridan, Carmen Electra and Wonky McValtrex.

Richard Lugner chose LiLo this year, because IN THIS ECONOMY, she's all he could afford. LiLo also better keep a flask of the sweet nectar in her clutch, because Richard said that there will be mineral water instead of champagne in their box.

After LiLo tells everyone at the opera that it was so good she almost pissed her pants, they will go back to Richard's hotel room and feast on mineral water and strawberries. Then LiLo will excuse herself to use the bathroom. When she starts to take too long, Richard will barge in on her and find her doing something suspicious. Richard will accuse her of fucking the white bitch with her nostrils, but LiLo will start screaming about how she was just flossing the strawberry seeds out of her teeth! Wait, is that how the movie went?

via HuffPo

After putting her Juniper Visa into a deeper coma by buying a bunch of dumb shit at Alive + Olivia yesterday, one of HoHan's dog friends was kind of enough to give her an impromptu psychic reading and let her take a glimpse into her future. Unfortunately for HoHan, the dog's hairy b-hole was not dingle-free, so I guess White Oprah and Michael Lohan are here to stay!

Humanitarian and leggings mogul Lindsay Lohan might follow up her documentary on child trafficking in India with a 47-second long video of her doing sex shit with a male waiter. After a discovering a new "friend" on the forehead of his peen, the waiter probably regretted accepting that tip.

The Mirror claims that the waiter tried to recoup the money he spent on Valtrex pills by selling the video to Hustler. But Hustler said "no thank you," because they didn't want to deal with copyright issues. The waiter now plans to release the grossness on an off-shore porn site.

A source claims that HoHan got a wind of this shit and is freaking out about it. The source added, "This video file is dynamite. It is pretty seedy and shows Lindsay engaged in a particular sex act which, obviously, should remain behind closed doors. Lindsay was desperate to start 2010 off on a good footing and this is the very last thing she needs. If and when it is released on the internet there is absolutely nothing she or her lawyers can do about it. She is devastated - particularly as she is working hard on cleaning up her act. Lindsay has just made a serious documentary on child poverty in India for the BBC, she is terrified this will be put in jeopardy now. It is fair to say that Lindsay has had a pretty torrid past 24 hours."

A couple of years ago, a fake clip of HoHan allegedly sucking off Calum Best made the rounds. It proved to be a fake. There's a chance that The Mirror is regurgitating that story with a different peen. To be fair to them, I don't think anyone ever fully digested that fake clip.

But if it's a new clip, nobody should be surprised. If you look behind your fridge, you will most likely find a HoHan sex tape there. If you check your dirty maxi-pad, there's probably a HoHan sex tape there too. They are everywhere!

And here's HoHan at the launch party for Vida, a new topical ointment for herp warts. No, Vida is a "luxurious" new fuck toy. Seriously.

LiLo went off to India last month to film a BBC documentary about child trafficking, and here's the first trailer for it.

You know, I'm not sure why she went all the way to India to learn about child trafficking. She could've just interviewed her own parents. Okay, okay, I know she's trying to get some publicity, but it's hard for me to fake a seriousface while watching this when she's got two giant gummy worms on her face.

via ONTD

Anthony Bourdain tells us to not make any Lindsay Lohan jokes (too late) as he's about to set fire to 6 tons of cocaine. 6 TONS OF COCAINE! ON FIRE! The bad shit hasn't tickled my nose hairs since I was in elementary school, and even I shed a tear. The entire Lohan family is probably lying in the fetal position on the bathroom floor.

The truth is, they didn't need to set that stuff on fire. If they needed it to disappear in a few minutes, they should've invited Wino and Pete Doherty over. In fact, Petey probably hired a helicopter to fly over the cokefire so he could inhale fumes.

Well, this is ironic. Usually when you read the words "thief" and "Lindsay Lohan" in one sentence, LiLo's the one being accused of doing the snatching. But oh how the coke tables have turned! UsWeekly reports that someone stole LiLo's sketches for her 6126 clothing line and she's pointing her favorite snorting finger at her former purse holder/hair icon Patrick "Pootie" Aufdenkamp. Pootie is also the sound my b-holes makes whenever I see pictures of the both of them together.

One of LiLo's friends said that Pootie (gesundheit!) is launching his own fashion line in NYC next month and is planning to use her designs. Everything Pooti knows he learned from watching Bold and the Beautiful.

The friend added, "It's horrible. He was her best friend. He has always used her, and she's been warned to never trust him. Lindsay is a good friend and likes to see the good in people. She didn't want to believe how bad Patrick's energy was, and how false his friendship has always been with her."

LiLo confirmed to UsWeekly that she's parted ways with Pooti, "I should've known better. But new year for me and a new beginning! Health, happiness, success and love!"

There must be a reasonable explanation for this. Maybe LiLo left her sketches on the coffee table next to a mound of Lohan powder, and Pooti didn't have a crisp dollar bill on him. So naturally, he rolled up one of her sketches and went at it. I mean, would a glittermeister named Pooti really steal LiLo's crack scratches (SPOILER ALERT: YES)?

Here's LiLo and the Curious Case of Ali Lohan crying about something or another on a yacht in St. Barts yesterday. Maybe they have the sads, because Pooti isn't in their lives anymore. Or maybe their St. Barts dealer is out of the bad shit? Probably the latter.

While White Oprah spent her New Years passed out in a La-Z-Boy with empty Bartles & Jaymes bottles strewn around her, her daughters spent the holiday dirtying up the island of St. Barts. In between checking hotel ash trays for smokable cigarette butts and sitting in on 3-hour timeshare presentations for free drink tickets, LiLo found time to Tweet!

In her Tweets, LiLo cyber kicked SamRo in the pussy bone (just like daddy) and promised to spread the Lohan virus even further in 2010. Wrap yourself in a fumigation tent and read LiLo's crackiness:

Wishing everyone a blessed new year in 2010! Everyone get ready for more (but positive-LOHAN MAYHEM!!!!!!!!) Thanks for all of your support!
7:56 PM Dec 31st, 2009 from UberTwitter

Me, HOV, beyoncé, Ali Lohan, @paufdenkamp @jessicaschul usher and many more ringin' in the new year coz THAT'S WASSUP
8:03 PM Dec 31st, 2009 from UberTwitter

To answer everybody's question...My new years resolution is to stop letting the lucky few that have my heart, try2constantly tear me down.
11:15 PM Jan 1st from UberTwitter

2010 is about moving forward, not backwards. Leaving the bad (people, habbits, and negative energy behind) time to make changes-right!?!? :)
11:18 PM Jan 1st from UberTwitter

Lohan Mayhem sounds like a rash you get on your asshole from self-tanner build-up. And the drug dealers of the world shouldn't report to the end of the unemployment line just yet. When I Googled "habbit," this came up, so I don't think LiLo was referring to the bad shit. She's simply going to switch to The Tongue for 2010.

Here's LiLo working it like a Google Street View prostitute in St. Barts the other day.