Paris Hilton

Throw it back into the fucking sea! I never thought I'd ever ever write this, but I'd rather share a McNuggetini with Lady GaGa's droopy cooch than look at this herp-crusted piece of rotten Mahi Mahi. That's how much this wonky skankwhoreslutbitch makes the caca boil up into my throat. It probably tastes better than her toxic chocha juices. And is that a piece of lattice fence she's wearing?! Extreme WHORE Makeover!

On a positive note, at least those glasses cover up her busted wonky eye! However, Geordi La Forge called and said Wonky can keep those things. The CDC already warned him.

Kathy Griffin went down to the corner knocked the dicks out of Wonky McValtrex's mouth and dragged her to Kitson to shoot scenes for My Life on the D-List yesterday afternoon. It was a nice of Kathy to show Wonky what a normal vagina looks like. Wonky probably thinks it's okay that her camel toe weighs 30 pounds, is 2-feet wide and stretches all the way to her belly button. Now she knows.

That being said, seeing Kathy's boxed wine spigot this early is not what I needed.

Every year, the Razzie Awards dishonor the biggest shit shows in film and not surprisingly, Parasite Hilton swept that mess along with Mike Myers. Parasite was named Worst Actress for Hottie & the Nottie, Supporting Actress for Repo and Screen Couple (with Christine Lakin or Joel David Moore) for Hottie. Mike Meyers' The Love Guru got Worst Picture, Worst Actor and Worst Screenplay.

Pierce Brosnan's dying bear warble in Mamma Mia! got him Worst Supporting Actor. Unfortunately, none of those whores were on hand to accept their awards. FUN HATERS. Here's the entire list of losers:

Worst Picture: The Love Guru

Worst Actor: Mike Myers - The Love Guru

Worst Actress: Wonky - The Hottie and the Nottie

Worst Supporting Actress: Wonky - Repo: The Genetic Opera

Worst Supporting Actor: Pierce Brosnan - Mamma Mia!

Worst Screen Couple: Paris Hilton and either Christine Lakin or Joel David Moore - The Hottie and the Nottie

Worst Prequel,Remake, Rip-off or Sequel: (Combined Category for 2008): Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull

Worst Director: Uwe Boll - 1968: Tunnel Rats, In The Name of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, and Postal

Worst Screenplay: The Love Guru - Written by Mike Myers & Graham Gordy

Worst Career Achievement: Uwe Boll

At this point, can we just officially name Parasite as The Worst Piece of Trash Who Ever Lived and stop giving her any kind of awards? We already know she's god fucking awful in the worst kind of way, so that goes without saying. Give a Razzie to a real bitch who deserves that shit. Although, the Razzie trophy will totally go with Wonky's shiny herp dingles.

The latest chapter in the Brown/Riri beat down saga of 2009 claims that the fight between the two was over a text message he got from some ho while he was driving. A police source tells TMZ that RiRi read a text from some trick Chris was planning on doing sexy times with later. They also fought about an unnamed rapper, but that's not how the fight started. And Chris' pussy call is not the rapper. I've also read on several sites that they were fighting about RiRi giving Chris the herp which she got from a rapper.

As for the identity of Chris' whore, OK! says that a few days before he basically punched his career goodbye, he was seen getting flirty with the STD motel known as Wonky McValtrex. If Chris beat RiRi over a text he got from Wonky, that bitch deserves eleventy life sentences and a ten-hour dick slapping from Tommy Lee. Chris is the one who deserved a beat down for flirting with that skeezer.

Annnnnnnnnd there's more. E! (everyone's getting in on the fun) says a source told them that Chris theatened to kill RiRi after she threw the car keys out of the window during the beat down. This put the rage of James Brown into Chris' body and he allegedly choked her until she passed the fuck out. That's when he quit that bitch and took off running.

There's more details on her injuries. RiRi's right eye was swollen up like one of Wonky's pussy lips, so she couldn't open it.

Okay, who else needs to dance with a crack pipe after reading that shit? I felt like Chris just broke dishes over my head. Every time I click on other websites, there's ten more damn rumors. I feel like we need pie charts, graphs, etc.... When I read one story, it debunks the other. I don't like doing math! Let's share a bottle of something that kills brain cells in order to deal with the madness.

Aw. The dumb fucking moron thinks she's smart. If I wasn't busy throwing up with my eyes at her nasty ass skankness, I'd actually feel sorry for her. You just want to pat her on the head (with 10 latex gloves on, of course) and tell her to quit hurting her half brain cell. Not everyone was meant to know the answer to 2+3 (I spend my off-time trying to figure that one out).

Over in London, Wonky McValtrex once again tried to convince everyone she's not dumb. She just plays dumb on TV! Nope, she's a dumb dumb. Stupid. Idiotic. Witless. Shit-brained. Moronic.

Wonky started to say, "For five seasons I was stuck doing this character. It was kind of hard always having to play that character when it's not who I am." Let me cut you off there. Before you say anything, I just want you to know....you're dumb. Dumb. She went on to say, "I just say jokes but they think I'm serious, which I think is funny...." Stop. You're hurting yourself. You're dumb. True fact. Dumb. The world knows it. You are D-U-M-- Wait. I shouldn't spell it out. That's too much for her. And she went on, "....and I think I kind of play up the image sometimes because – whatever – it's just entertainment."

Why does she even try? Even Corky from Life Goes On and Harvey Price are screaming in unison, "You're a dumb fucking whore bitch with stupid in the brains!" She probably thinks that her head shakes uncontrollably after she says more than two syllables because its brain powers are so intense. No, it's because its fucking flatlining.

I mean, here's an example of Wonky Einstein's genius. When she was asked who the Prime Minister of England was, she answered, "I had lunch at his restaurant yesterday – Gordon Ramsay." You know she wasn't joke-telling. But she's absolutely right. Prime Minister Gordon Ramsay has weekly phone chats with our American president: President Chuck E. Cheese.

Here's the future Darwin Award recipient with her Mensa nipples out in London yesterday.

Are you feeling too smart today? Do you want to feel dumber? Well, watch this entire video and your brain cells will quickly start exploding one by one. Before you know it, you'll be babbling incoherently just like Wonky and Lady CaCa.

This brain killing clip is of Wonky "interviewing" Lady CaCa in some rundown storage room (how fitting) at a club in London during a Nokia event. Wonky talks like she has a dick in her mouth, because she usually does. Lady CaCa talks like she just gargled with a gallon of cokey water (and swallowed a lot of it). But in her defense, being that close to Wonky makes you dumb. Scientific fact.

Seriously, a frozen dog turd and a Kim Zolciak's road kill wig could have a more intelligent conversation than these two fucktards.

And make sure to watch the 1:42 mark to see Wonky's "special needs gorilla" dance.

Sorry, Wonky, your dignity isn't in there. You fucked that away a long ass time ago. Or maybe this useless whore is just looking for another sex tape. Seriously, there's probably two in there. The bitch queefs one out every minute. The Sun says some dude named Darnell Riley claims to have the newest Parasite sex tape. He bought 14 hours of footage from some Russian kids who stole it from her house.

In that 14 hours of footage, there's a clip of Wonky “in a state of arousal in a New York taxi.” That tramp always looks like she's in a "state of arousal" because she has permanent "fuck me without a condom" face.

There's also clips of Wonky filming herself at her grandmother's funeral. The Sun thinks Darnell may be lie-telling, because he went to prison for blackmailing Joe Francis.

I believe it. I believe there are millions of Wonky sex tapes floating around, because she is a narcissistic twat who loves being on camera. Seriously, go check your dryer. I'm sure one of her sex tapes is laying around in there. If you don't find one there, take a plunger to your toilet. One of her fuck tapes will surely pop up there.

Wake me up when she records a snuff film.

Here's Wonky looking like a bowlegged ostrich while shooting some shit for Fila in Los Angeles yesterday. Her skankness is even making that hot piece look unappetizing.

Who let the barnyard door open?! I thought Sundance was supposed to be about movies and shit. Not about these pieces of trash polluting the scenery with their fugness. And what the hell are these fools wearing? Did they get dressed on the short bus? Think of all the poor animals and spools of polyester that died for this shit.

That's not fringe on Linda Hogan's purse and her creepy mantoy's jacket. Their jackets and her purse are crying leather tears because they've been forced to be worn by these tools. I'm surprised a bulldozer didn't come through and knock them down thinking they were a disaster zone. They really do look like mother and son. I bet Linda dresses him in diapers and shaves his dick bush.

Speaking of dick bushes, Nick Hogan is making KFed and Vanilla Ice look hardcore. Where is a fucking Crip when you need em?

Lastly, Wonky McValtrex looks like she sits at the round table and spends hours trying to put the little straw in her juicebox. Those floppy ears on her head probably match the floppy rotten salmon curtains on her crotch.

Sundance has seriously gone to the fucktards.

Every night before Wonky McValtrex goes to bed, a dozen dicks slap her to sleep. It's the only way she can get a good night's rest. Well, one of the dicks slapped her in the head a little too hard, because the dirty cooch is talking crazy.

In the new issue of Britain's Glamour Magazine (via SS), Wonky says, "I've only done it with a couple of people. People make up stories, but mostly I just kiss. I think it's important to play hard to get. Nobody wants the fake Prada bag; they want the brand new bag that no one can get and is the most expensive. If you give it up to a guy he won't respect you; he'll want you much more if he can't have you."

Nobody wants the bag that will make your genitals foam at the hole and that's exactly what Wonky's bag will do. And what she really meant to say before the rude interviewer cut her off is, "A couple of people........in my snatch at one time." She's really modest, though. Wonky could fit at least a couple of NFL teams up in there without lube. EASY.

There's no way she could have meant "a couple of people." Whores who have to duct tape their vagina together haven't only fucked just "a couple of people."

This might just be another fairy tale from the pages of Life&Style, but if it's not, I will be holding auditions next week to replace George Clooney's place in my no-heart. Life&Style says he might, just might, be dating Parasite Hilton. Barf on me, because this is hurtful.

The two have apparently met up twice just before Christmas. A friend of Wonky's (probably one of her evil crabs) said they had drinks at the Whiskey Bar alone. The crab friend said, "Paris and George sat and talked together for ages. They didn't seem to be aware of anyone else in the room."

Some other source said the two also had dinner with a group of whores at Dan Tana's the next night.

How can George sit there without worrying about Wonky's twat maggots crawling into his pants and nibbling on his peen? If Brad Pitt should ever make George's dreams come true by turning gay, George is going to have no peen to offer him!

I know George loves the sluts, but this is just beyond. Wonky isn't just your regular cocktail waitress who moonlights as a professional dick sucker at night, she's a straight-up nuclear zone. If he wants to find another beard to replace Robot Call Girl, he should try to find one that's not going to make him the free clinic's #1 customer. Besides, Wonky probably can't even strap-on for him! Whenever something rubbery gets close to her puss-inferno, it melts into a puddle. That would make George sad!

Here's Wonky still terrorizing Australia yesterday. KEEP HER!