Paris Hilton

For the second night in a row, Cristiano Ronaldo ignored the CDC's warnings and spent time with the corroded crotch growth that is Parasite Hilton.

On Thursday night, Parasite and Cristiano met at club before going back to Nicky Hilton's house where they most likely played a little game of "Pin the Herp Sore on the Peen." Last night, Cristiano showed up to Parasite's "GO AWAY" party. Parasite off to Dubai for a few weeks to shoot her reality doody show My New BFF. The Sun says that Cristiano only stayed for a couple of hours. Ugh. That's still enough time for him to stick his skin rod into her cesspoon of destruction.

Cristiano needs to curb his dick before someone really gets hurt! He needs to think of his glorious eyebrows! One morning he's going to wake up and they are going to be gone! They aren't going to put up with him making gross toxic love with Wonky! Or even worse, Wonky's lethal snatch fumes could burn his eyebrows right off! Think of your brows, man! You obviously worked hard at getting them to look so sweet, precious and fragile. Eyebrows, you in danger girl!

Here's Wonky arriving at some studio in L.A. yesterday afternoon with Tinkerbell in her hands. Tinkerbell must have been taking charm lessons at Barbizon, because she didn't learn to keep her legs closed from her owner.

If you've got a penis, hide it in a bomb shelter or stick it in holy water, because Parasite Hilton is back on the prowl! Wonky's mutant vag will be howling for fresh dick tonight, because she is no longer infecting that d-bag who used to be on The Hills. Wonky's spokeswhore told People that the herpytale romance of our time is over!

"In response to the inquiry on whether Paris Hilton has split up with Doug Reinhardt, yes, this is true they are no longer together. They remain friends and ask that you please respect their privacy."

Your genitals should have trembled after reading that, because they are scared. Hold them and tell them it's going to be alright.

As for Doug, at least he'll always have a piece of Wonky with him. When he looks down at his wart-covered wang and the nest Wonky's crotch crustaceans built in his pube bush, he will be reminded of the beautiful moments they shared together.

The glorious moment where Eminem's butt face got a heaping serving of Bruno's nalgas might not have ever happened, because Em wasn't the producers first choice. A source told Life & Style that they asked Eminem to partake in the stunt, but kept him in the dark about getting up close and personal with Bruno's sweet rolls. Mark Burnett, the producer of the MTV Movie Awards, originally asked Parasite Hilton to do it, but she turned them down.

Thank the fuck Wonky didn't do it! First of all, she spends most of the day with a hot sweaty asshole in her face, so it wouldn't have been anything new. Second of all, she's already the butt of all jokes! Third of all, poor Bruno probably would've lost his sight if he put his eyeballs that close to Wonky's crab nest.

I don't care if it was staged or not, it was still Eminem's greatest moment ever. He should go ahead and retire now, because nothing will top it.

Parasite Hilton's family bought her from the back of a truck in Chinatown, so she's the last bitch who should be calling anything fake. And that's exactly what she has called The Hills.

At last night's FiFi Awards, Parasite said she's never seen an episode, but her current wart-pincher used to be on it and he thought it was lame. The pre-op ostrich said, "The show is, like, so lame and fake. He doesn't even want to be a part of it. They make up relationships when they’re not there, and he just thinks it's lame. I've never seen the show in my life. I have no idea what it's about. But he just thought it was cheesy."

Wonky is right. The Hills is fake and her "My Butt Fucker Friend" show should have been nominated for an Academy Award for Best Documentary. Grand delusions! On the other hand, this skank whore is an expert of all things fake and lame, so she would know.

And Doug, no matter what Justin Gaston told you, your totally awesome powers of concentration aren't going to make those puss-filled pimples grow.

VIA USWeekly

A million cheers to the captain of the yacht who threw Parasite Hilton and her latest victim off the boat for endangering passengers with their public displays of infection. He is a fucking hero to us all!

The Mirror says that Elton John's fupa fluffer, David Furnish, invited Wonky and Doug Reinhardt to a party on a friend's yacht in Cannes the other night. Almost immediately after they got on the boat, Wonky and Doug started doing disgustingly gross shit that made stomachs die.

One source who lived to tell the tale said, "As soon as Paris arrived she had her tongue down Doug's throat. Everyone kept saying how inappropriate they were being but Paris didn't care who was looking. They got so worked up she dragged Doug below deck so they could have some private time. But as they were closing the cubicle door so they could tear into each other, they were caught out. David spotted them and the captain was furious. He kicked them off for unsociable behaviour. Everyone congratulated the captain."

I'm guessing Wonky's presence on the boat was a bigger problem than the witness is making it out to be. Wonky's crotch crustaceans probably ate most of the food. And the food they didn't eat, went rotten once Wonky brought her tongue out. Every drop of alcohol evaporated when Wonky opened the gates to HELL. Not to mention the poor sea creatures living in the waters below. They probably committed mass suicide once they spotted Wonky. They knew that if something should happen and Wonky fell in the water, they would die a slow and painful death from being directly exposed to her lethal snatch sludge. It's better to be safe than really, really, really sorry.

It made sense when MTV made a documentary on Our Lady of Cheetos. Yeah, it was propaganda, but it was still pretty entertaining. I mean, Velveeta grits? Need I say more? MTV's newest documentary follows a wet piece of dog caca laying out in the hot sun. For some reason, they felt like the world wanted to know more about the half-melted dildo known as Parasite Hilton. I'd rather watch a documentary on cornstarch. Shit, I'd rather watch a documentary on the day-to-day life of her herp warts. That shit would be more riveting.

This summer MTV is airing a documentary called Paris, Not France. And I'm sure the whole thing fails on an epic scale just like the title. It's shot in black and white, so that means it's all serious-like and deep! And she mostly uses her bit dude voice instead of her whory baby voice, so that means we should take her seriously now.

In trailer above, the dumb whore does nothing but whine about how the world sees her as "as Barbie with a perfect life, a fantasy...whatever." The difference is we actually respect Barbie. Bitch can fly planes and shit, but Parasite can't even suck a dick right!

And here's a vomit-covered gem I leave you with: “That's not what I wanted when I was a little girl. It's not what I planned. I always looked up to people like Princess Diana and now I can never be like that.”

Wonky McValtrex's neighbors are not happy with her. And not because her crotch crustaceans keep digging up their gardens. No, they aren't pleased, because of all the noise that skankwhorecunt is making. Early this morning, Wonky's neighbors called the cops, because Wonky and her latest piece, Dough Reinhardt, were fighting so loud that their screeches could be heard from the street. Maybe they weren't fighting. Doug probably makes that sound whenever he sticks it into her toxic waste dump without a Hazmat-made condom on.

When the cops arrived at her house, nobody would open the front gates for them, so they had to hop the fence. They talked to Wonky and after they left, the loud arguing stopped.

TMZ says that Wonky wasn't fighting with Doug. The screams came from her own slut mouth after she received a call that Tinkerbell had been run over and killed on Mullholland Drive. Wonky started screaming like Danny Gokey with a lighter up his ass. The call turned out to be a prank.

Beat me with a string of wet anal beads, because this is such lies. Like that dumb whore cares about her dogs! If Wonky found out one of her dogs died, she wouldn't be crying. She would just go out and buy a new one. Besides, I haven't seen Tinky in eons. I'm sure Tinkerbell already staged her death a long ass time ago and she's airing our her herp warts (a souvenir from Wonky) on the beaches of France right now.

Bat Boy put Xtina up to this, right? He wants to become Transylvania's hottest couple and that's why Xtina's eyebrows vant to suck my blood. It's not normal for a pair of eyebrows to look like they want to take me into their arms, lead me in a waltz around the room and sink their teefs into my neck after dipping me. No, eyebrows should not look like they belong on a box of Count Chocula. Those are some super vampire eyebrows too! We shouldn't be seeing them in pictures. Strange powers!

I'd be willing to look past Xtina's continuous violation of red lipstick if she rectifies her eyebrow situation. Throw some garlic powder on those things and start again. Bat Boy isn't always right.

Xtina and her dracu-brows serenaded the crowd with her glorious "chipmunk getting castrated without anesthesia" voice at an event for the Gay & Lesbian Center of L.A. last night.

This party was a clusterfuck! Some of the hos were just there for the photo-op while others were obviously just there for the open bar (IN THIS ECONOMY). And why does Wonky McValtrex keep getting invited to events? Doesn't that break several health code violations? I need to look it up.

Anyway, here's some of the trollops at last night's party. They are: Linda Perry, the dead Pomeranian on her head, Xtina, rapey-faced Slade Smiley, Gretchen "No Moral Character" Rossi, Cybil Shepherd, Wonky, Cybil's gayelle daughter Clementine Ford, Dita Von Teese, rapey-faced Doug Reinhardt, legendary Jennifer Coolidge and Sharon Stone.

Who is responsible for this dark-sided fuckery right here? Off with their head and throw it into a wicker basket! Obviously, nobody briefed The First Lady of Camerooon, Chantal Biya, that she was posing next to thee most diseased and disgusting boils on humanity's asshole. Although, Chantal is giving Wonky McValtrex the "My private lion den is starting to itch and you're to blame" side-eye, so she might know what's up. Camer-ooooouch.

Poor Chantal. Think of all the crotch maggots that have crawled out of Wonky's acid-spewing black hole and made their way into Chantal's luscious mane of wonder. Chantal better stop by Hazmat to cleanse herself of Wonky's stank before she makes her way back to Africa.

Here's the most glamorous woman in the world and the most wretched piece of trash in the world at The First Ladies of Africa event in Beverly Hills last night. I mean, what in pussy rotting Hell was Wonky doing there?

When I first heard Amy Wino was going to shower her meth loogies all over Coachella, I was more than willing to fry my ass lips off to get a glimpse of her heroin shake. Then it was announced that America wouldn't let her in, so I put my coochie cutters away. And look at everything I missed!

I mean, I could have witnessed The Hoff doing gross mouth things with some kind of creature who may still have a nutsack dangling down below. Also, I could have marveled at Kate Bosworth attempting to eat a piece of pizza, but not quite getting it. Methinks the skinny bitch forgot how to swallow. Even Reese Witherspoon and her main homegirl were there drinking out of coconuts! Well, I think just Reese was. Jakey knew it was kind of cliche for him to be sucking milky liquid out of a long tube.

But for those of us that didn't go, it's a good fucking thing, because that skankwhoreuglytrampbitchcunt Wonky McValtrex was there to put the HELL in Coachella. Those poor fools who were within a 2-mile radius of Wonky engaging in illegal acts (i.e. tongue fucking her dildo boyfriend) better take a trip down to the free clinic before their pores start leaking toxic pussy fluids.

Here's more celebwhores at Coachella yesterday including Kristin Cavawhogivesafuck, Tara Reid, Evan Rachel Wood's doppelganger and the ghost of Kurt Cobain.