Bai Ling

File this under: This is why you don't sleep nekkid with animals who can bite your parts off in the middle of the night (insert a million simultaneous side-eyes here).

About a year ago, one of Bai Ling's ex-boyfriends gave her a $30,000 cheetah-cat as a gift. Bai named the chee-pussy Quiji (pronounced chee-jee). According to crazy ass Bai, Quiji's dad is a cheetah and her mother is a regular ole' domestic cat. Yup, Quiji's mother was a hardcore slut, because she was getting from a damn cheetah.

Anyway, Bai tells PeoplePets that Quiji is her soulmate, because she believes she was a wild pussy in her past life, "In my previous life, I was a cheetah or leopard or some sort of really wild and dangerous animal in nature. But the thing is, Quiji is really the most affectionate, even compared to human beings."

But Quiji is a little too affectionate, because she tried to eat one of Bai's nipples during a make-out session in bed. Bai explained, "I sleep naked ... She was kissing me, and suddenly, she woke up. She saw my nipple, and oh my God, she went for it. If I wasn't fast, my nipple is gone. She thought it was a toy or something."

First of all, we really don't need to know about Bai playing with her pussay in bed. Second of all, THIS CRAZY should not be closing her eyes around a wild animal. This is how bitches lose fingers, faces and more! Bai has some serious nipples, so Quiji probably thought it was a jumbo Tendervittle. Bai could at least sleep with thimbles on her nipples and clitty. Bai does not want to have a "MY PUSSY BITE ME IN MY BAGINA" moment.

Let's press the green button on the "Totally Random Couple" generator and see who comes out! Well, what do you know? We have Bai Ling and Lionel Richie! Pop Tarts says that 42-year-old (in alien years) Bai and 60-year-old Lionel had themselves a romantic date at the Viceroy in Santa Monica last Thursday.

A witness-type said that Bai and Lionel "laughed and flirted" with each other the entire night. Yeah, Lionel probably did most of the laughing when Bai told him that she almost cracked her neck bone trying to literally "dance on the ceiling" after listening to his song. You know she tried.

I know you're thinking, "What in the tootsie roll nipple Hell could these two possibly have in common?" But you don't need to have anything in common when it comes to love. I mean, Bai could fall in love with a plastic spork if she spiritually connected with it. And Lionel probably took one peep at her blog and knew he needed more of this in his life. Here's just a taste of Bai's brilliance:

I love the hot sunlight touches my skin.......feels sexy and delightful, like the butterflies wings landed danced then fly away with their gentle kiss, the touch...... Beautiful light wind and of cause the hot burning sad once again burning my body and my desire.......

Speechless but happiness in my heart..........

We all want to take her out for a date now....

Hatchetface Rourke is on the top of the world! He has a Golden Globe award, he's going to be in that Iron Man 2 shit, he will most likely get an Oscar nomination and now he has the love of lunatic with a gold-plated heart named Bai Ling! And by "love" I mean she probably just gave him a hand job and maybe an ass lip tickle. Page Six says that at the Chateau Marmont in L.A. the other night, the two "made out and partied pretty hard."

Bai Ling is definitely the loon for Mickey. I mean, she's the only one who can probably stomach waking up to his fish jerky face. I'm sure she's woken up to worse. Remember that fake Bigfoot? Yeah, I think she hit that.

I also would love this union because I need to see Bai walk the red carpet at the Oscars. Everyone was so damn normal at the Golden Globes and the wrecks in chiffon must return! The mess of all messes Sally Kirkland has been M.I.A. on red carpets for a while, so Bai Ling needs to take her place.

By the way, don't tell Bai she was really making out with Mickey. I think she thought she was still making out with the fake Bigfoot. She is really starting to have feelings for him and it will break her little heart if she finds out the truth.

Kim Zolciak from The Really Not Housewives of Atlanta fell off the damn tightrope and somehow found herself at NBC's Golden Globes after-party. Some bitch should have alerted Peta that Kim was going to be there, because she's just asking to get flour bombed for that tortured creature on her head. Bitch's head is like a pet cemetery. There's at least one dead dog in there and possibly a K-A-T or a couple of hamsters. It's a mystery.

Now on to her face. My 6-year-old cousin could have done a better make-up job using her old ass Crayons and chalk. I think Kim had her make-up done while she was walking the tightrope. And not only is Kim wearing a dead animal party on her head, but she plucked a beaver's asshole hairs and glued that shit onto her eyes.

I shouldn't hate. I'm sure NBC personally invited Kim to serenade the guests with her gorgeous angelic voice. Actually, they probably asked her to sing in the bathroom to help out those who might be constipated. Just listening to a few seconds of Kim's singing will give you the runs.

Also at the after-party was Colin Farrell, a strangely covered-up Bai Ling and a raggedy ass Kevin Bacon with his wife.

Bai Ling actually knows there's a presidential race going on and this surprises me. I'm under the impression that she has no idea what the hell is going on outside her own thoughts. She's living in her own world where giant chess pieces were made for posing (below) and shit like that.

At the opening of "Third Eye Blonde" in Malibu last week, Bai gave her thoughts on who should be president. She said she really wasn't familiar with the candidates, but the president needs to have "bigger heart and kindler soul and quietly have the only pure intentions." This is why I adore Bai more than a wet bj. She talks like a a video game anime character. She's right. The president must have kindler soul.

She went on to say that she should run for president. If she was president, she would "demolish all the countries." Bai thinks countries creates war and boundaries. If we didn't have countries, we wouldn't have boundaries. I'm still voting for the Phoebe Price/Shauna Sand ticket, but Bai presents a convincing argument. Who needs countries anyway? And in her countryless world, Bai would most definitely be Secretary of Batshit Craziness.

No, Bai Ling's boyfriend is not giving her a little knuckle lovin' right there on the beach. Bai Ling is making death face! We almost lost our beloved Bai Ling when a wave knocked her out. Okay, she didn't almost die. She just got a little water in the brains. A little water in there will do Bai some good.

Bai was at the beach kayaking with Pink. No, "kayaking" is not code word for some kind of lesbionic act. The two were really kayaking. Bai Ling and Pink as friends is strange. What do they talk about? Naw, they don't talk. They eat and kayak. And yes that's code for something lesbionic.

Today just seemed like the picture day for some Corey Haim with a mullet pictures. Corey will tell you this look is for a movie, but don't believe him. He definitely looks like this on a daily basis. He loves it. The hookers at the truck stop bar off route 5 won't stay off him.

Corey's mullet is for a movie called Crank 2 also starring Jason Statham, Amy Smart and Bai Ling. This shit looks like it's going straight into a Blockbuster discount bin.

Why doesn't Bai Ling top the all the best dressed in Hollywood lists? Would you ever see Nicole Kidman or Halle Berry in this outfit? They don't have the hard nipples to pull off this kind of custom couture. Ok, it was made in the basement of a take-out joint in Encino, but still! This is the kind of shit you wear on the red carpet.

Here's Bai looking like the star of Hong Kong Community Theater's production of "Kiss of the Spider Woman" at the "What Happens in Vegas" premiere last night.

Bai Ling blames a broken heart on the reason why she stole $16 worth a crap at the Airport gift shop and was arrested. The 37-year-old said her split with her boyfriend right before Valentine's Day made her an emotional wreck. She said she was dealing with a huge emotional problem and basically her boyfriend was the wrong man. Aren't they all?

Bai posted a message on her website while she was in the airport:

"Delayed the flight, [wandering] again in the airport like a ghost, why can't I just be the sun smile? Life is a sad song sometime but still sings the beauty for their loved ones..."

Huh? That's like the kind of shit they say in the Final Fantasy video game. Bai's friend said that she was just distracted and that's why she walked out of the store with the crap.

Bai was en route to New Mexico to film Taylor Hackford's new movie with Helen Mirren and Joe Pesci. Yeah, Helen Mirren. She's probably only doing it, because she's fucking the director.

This is straight out of the pages of French Vogue like Janice Dickinson would say. Bai Ling's mug shot is all sorts of glamour. She should rip this out and use it as her new head shot. In case you don't know, Bai was arrested at LAX Airport for allegedly stealing $16 worth of batteries and tabloid magazines.

It was worth it, because this picture is hot shit.

P.S. - Sorry for my lack of posting today. I am on my fucking death bed! Please tell Phoebe Price to sing "My Heart Will Go On" followed by "Moonriver" at my funeral.

Source: TMZ