Tori Spelling

Brenda Walsh has claimed her first victim and she hasn't even begun shooting her scenes yet. Kristin at E! is hearing that Shannen Doherty is in and Tori Spelling is out of the "90210" spin-off. I'm so happy that I could shit and sing at the same time.

A source said that Tori the Hutt will not be doing the show due to "personal reasons." The personal reason being she's too fugly for network TV and knows it! No, Tori the Hutt just had a baby or something like that.

The source went on to say, “It is happening with Shannen. It's just a question of how long she'll shoot, whether it will be one day or ten and what the storyline will be, but we are working on it, and it is a very real thing."

The producers are hoping to reunite Brenda and Kelly Taylor onscreen which means that Shannen and Jennie Garth have to speak to each other. The source thinks the two will be fine, "They were 19 and 20 when all of that happened and a lot has changed. And, you know, they’re not moving in together, just shooting together for an hour and a half.” There's going to be shooting going on alright. Brenda shooting Kelly in the pussy bone for stealing her man!

It's funny that I don't even remember the other skanks in this show. All that matters is the showdown between Brenda and Kelly. The writers shouldn't bother coming up with new shit. They should just have them recreate the scene below instead. "You guys are so gossipy! Thanks for the memories."

Something tells me Stella Doreen's umbilical chord is still attached in these pictures. Baby Stella D went from Tori the Hutt's snatch (shudder) straight to the photo studio. There was no time to deal with pesky medical shit. Tori the Hutt and her creepy husband have bills to pay!

Yes, that's little Stella Doreen with her raptor-faced mommy on the cover of OK! Magazine. Stella D looks like a precious, Photoshopped golden raisin. I mean, can she even open her eyes yet?! Somebody tell Stella that it's best she keeps her eyes closed. She's much too young and innocent to deal with Tori the Hutt's fugly ass mug.

Tori told OK! that Stella D was an accident. A happy accident. She said, "I was on one pill and wasn't feeling well, so I went off of it. Two days later, the doctor put me on another, and on that one day, we conceived. It was meant to be!" Wait, so Tori the Hutt and creepy husband do sexay times? Waitress! Another ten cups of coffee please!

Tori also talked about the first time she saw her little Stella, "My first thought was, 'My god, she's so beautiful. My second thought was, 'Oh my god, she has black hair! Where did that come from?' [laughs] Liam has blonde hair and is very fair. She was born with black hair, very tan."

Uh...oh...Tori the Hutt has been bumping genitals with the mail man. And she had a tan baby?! MiserAlba's going to be pissed!!!

First things first, I think I may have booze poisoning, so please bare (typo and keeping it) with me today. I mean, you know you're a different kind of drunk when you're barfing up 100 proof alcohol. Anyway, I had a reason to booze away in Vegas this weekend. I am still suffering at the sudden loss of an American treasure, Mimi La Rue. Obviously, that fugly ass hag, Tori the Hutt, could care less!

Mimi's sexy body is still warm and Tori is acting like the nation hasn't suffered a tragedy! I drowned my sorrows in a half-yard while Tori and her creepy ass husband smiled for the paps in Beverly Hills.

I can't even deal with creepy husband's painted toe nails right now. This confirms his straight doucheness. No dude that takes it in the ass would ever choose that shade for his toe nails. I mean, is that maroon?! TACKY! He might as well have gotten gold rhinestones on the tips.

Mimi La Rue is DEAD! WHY?!!! WHY?!!!! Why didn't God take Tori me instead?!!! Paula Abdul is right! There is no God! NOT TODAY! WHY?! FUCK! Now I finally have a reason to go outside and dick slap those damn birds that have been waking me up at 4 in the morning! I'm so upset!

It's true. People has reported this truly awful news. She passed away from natural causes yesterday at the age of 11. She was surrounded by her family and died at home. Tori said, "She was a star and a true lady, and she will be missed greatly. People everywhere knew her by name. I loved when fans wanted her over me. I felt proud!" She was more of a lady than you'll ever be, Tori!

Farewell, Mimi La Rue! You will be forever missed. Now if you'll excuse me, I must go take out my anger and sadness on those noisy ass birds!

Mimi La Rue is not happy about the fact that she has to share her room with Tori Spelling's new spawn which popped out of her via C-section today. OK! Magazine reports that Tori's daughter arrived into this cruel world at 3:13pm today. She weighed in at. 6 lbs 8 oz.

Tori and Dean have named her Stella Doreen McDermott. Steeeeeeeeeeeelllaaaaaa! They gave her the middle name of Doreen after Dean's late mommy. And what about Tori's mother?! They really should have named their daughter Candy Doreen if they knew what was good for them. Seriously, Tori is basically asking to be disinherited by her mother. Candy Doreen would've been the hottest name. Sounds like a gum-chewing, bitch-talking, bouffant-wearing diner waitress. Sigh.

A spokesbitch (Mimi) for Tori said, "She's here! She's a healthy baby girl. Tori and baby are resting comfortably."

"Resting comfortably" is Hollywood talk for "mommy's getting lipo and baby's getting a chemical peel."

MiserAlba won't be the only celebwhore with a new baby. Star Magazine reports that Tori the Hutt is about to pop hers out. Tori scheduled her C-section for 11am today at Cedars-Sinai in Los Angeles. She needs to be out of there by 1pm because she has a 2pm lipo and tummy tuck scheduled.

A source said, "The doctors have told her to just relax in the hours leading up to her surgery, but she can't sit still. She is decorating her room with pink sheets and pink flowers to make sure she welcomes her daughter into a warm environment." Daughter?! Gulp. May the beauty Gods be with her.

The source went on to say that Tori's mother, Candy Spelling, is also at the hospital for support. Uh...huh...support. She's only there because when the baby is born, she's going to shout, "Congratulations bitch! Yet another baby that won't see a dime of my cash! Now I'm off to the casino to win more money that you'll never touch! Toodles!" The Candy Spelling of my imagination is so much hotter than the real thing.

Here's Tori, creepy husband their baby yesterday in Los Angeles.

Seeing all these knocked up broads makes my sausage, egg and cheese bloat feel like a baby. I should piss on an e.p.t. just to be safe. Anyway, here's tons of pictures of walking baby ovens from the past couple of days. Well, Nicole Kidman is more like a pillow oven. She probably stores a week supply of botox in her pillow bump just in case she gets stranded somewhere. I kid, I kid. I'm sure her baby will come out with a permanent surprised look on its face and frosted tips and then we'll know it's their baby.

Nicky and Keith's kiss in the third thumbnail below is all sorts of awkward. She's blowing, he's sucking.

The baby ovens below are: Nicky, Tori Smelly, Gwen Stefani and Camilla Alves.

Nasty! Usually, my ass and mouth will start watering at the sight of 3 huge salchichas. Tori Spelling's face has ruined my excitement. She already ruined ice cream and now hot dogs. This hag better not even think of visiting Popeye's, Papa John's or IHOP. I'm not joking.

Tori, her creepy ass husband their baby visited Pink's yesterday to promote their show, "Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood." Yup, they dumped their bed and breakfast and are moving back to Hollywood. Tori told E! News, "I chose to go back because it's home and we had such a loyal fan base." She also said her mother, Candy Spelling, won't be on her new show, "No family will appear, because I didn't want to use them as tools for promoting the show." Yet, her baby boy is in the show. What a dumb cow.

Tori the Hutt has been confirmed as a guest star on "90210." It was rumored that Tori would make a cameo as Donna Fartin' in the pilot along with dumb bitch Kelly Taylor. Tori told People, “Donna loved designing and wanted a career in fashion. It’ll be fun to explore that storyline. And, I’m sure fans will be dying to know if she’s still married to David!” She's not still married to David, because she accidentally ate him.

A rep for the show said Donna Martin owns "one of the coolest stores in Beverly Hills.” This show has already failed and it hasn't even started shooting. What the hell was the name of Donna's clothing store in the original show? That place was a dump! It looked like a Clothestime outlet. Donna should come back to the show as the new janitor of West Beverly. That would make more sense.

Tori went on to say, “When they say you can’t go home again, its not true. I’m headed back to the zip code I know best and couldn’t be happier!” It's a shame the postal code she knows best isn't H0H 0H0 (google it).

Do you like a little fug with your ice cream? If the answer is yes, then you should have dragged your lazy ass to Baskin Robbins in Los Angeles today. Tori Spelling was scooping out ice cream to expectant mothers for National Pregnant Fug Day. No, it was for "Wednesday is Bump Day." Still gross.

At least Tori Spelling is learning a new skill. That way when people finally stop hiring her ass and the money dries up, she has a second career to fall back on.

Not only is Tori Spelling ruining ice cream today, but she's also ruining the 90210 spin-off. Not that it needs help in that department. Kristin's E! is reporting that Tori was written into the pilot after she begged producers to guest star. Tori will be back as Donna Martin, but will only utter a few lines.

Ian Ziering is also interested in guest starring in the pilot and it's close to happening. The producers are really missing the point here. Why bother with all those cows when you only need one bitch to make this show complete. Three words: Brenda Michelle Walsh. BMW! I don't think her middle name was Michelle, but it sounds right to me.