Tori Spelling showed off her hot, new "bikini body"
(to go with her paper bag face) EXCLUSIVELY to UsWeekly and told them that she's finally got her body back after lending it to the four kids she gave birth to. Tori gained 30 pounds after birthing out her latest kid Finn, because she was diagnosed with placenta previa and had to spend four months in bed. The Creature from the Black Lagoon's favorite pin-up ghoul is fully recovered and weighs only 115 pounds now, so she's proud to shove her concrete ball titties back into a bikini.
There are so many things (example: THOSE SHOES!) to say about this, but why waste the keystrokes when all of my feelings are best expressed through those children's faces. Thank you for that, Tori's kids!
Tori Spelling and her possum-eyed husband Dean McDERPott have a 5-year-old named Liam, a 4-year-old named Stella, a 10-month-old named Hattie and now they have a 15-hour-old named Finn Davey. So as you sip your morning cup of java-flavored liquid meth, take comfort in knowing that at any given time, Tori's either got a baby falling out of her cooch or Dean's peen falling into her cooch.
Last night, Tori posted a picture on her website of a newborn's hand holding on to her finger (the baby diarrhea nail polish was a nice touch) and added the note:
Please join us in welcoming Finn Davey McDermott
6 pounds, 6 ounces – 20 inches long
Yeah, Liam, Stella, Hattie and Finn Davey. That reads like the character list of a lost Tennessee Williams play or like the fake names of the servers at a Mark Twain-themed restaurant.
Tori's uterus is probably letting out a long sigh of relief because it's finally getting a moment to itself, but it shouldn't get used to being alone. Because as soon as Dean's peen looks at her for longer than ten seconds, she'll be knocked up again. Those Mon Calamaris are fertile bitches.
When this picture hit my screen, I thought it was a gigantic butt. The same goes for the picture on the left. The breed machine formerly known as Tori the Hutt announced on her website (via UsWeekly) today that right after she birthed out her 5-month-old daughter Hattie McWhateverthatchildssecondnameis, another fetus checked into her vacant womb. Tori just couldn't let her Donna Martin breathe for a second before letting Dean stick it in again. Tori said this about the fourth cast member of her reality shit show empire:
Dean, Liam, Stella, Hattie, and I are beyond thrilled to announce that another little McDermott is on the way! We feel truly blessed that another angel has found us.
Tori Spelling's pussy stay looking like Donna Martin's drunk face. It's traumatized and not sure whether or not it wants to pass out or barf. Tori is obviously not thinking of her coochie, because it's bad enough that the poor thing has to look into the sleazy eye of Dean's dick all the time. Tori and Dean are also not thinking of us, because another baby means that there's another mouth to breastfeed, which means that Dean will obviously "accidentally" Tweet another picture of her (NSFW) naked post-feeding time tit.
Last night on Twitter, Tori Spelling's beady-eyed husband Dean McHerpDerp served his 70,000+ followers a pair of chocolate and buckwheat pancakes when he accidentially posted a picture of his son with his wife's titty balls chilling out in the background. TITTYBOMB! Ever since my retinas tore into pieces from staring at pictures of Tori looking like a stick of wood with two boiled grapefruits stapled to it, I vowed to keep my eyes away from any pictures of her bare silicone bags, but I looked anyway. The only thing I have to say about breaking my vow is that I'll never nibble on a pupusa the same way again.
If you really need to see Tori's tits settling down after breastfeeding (which I'm guessing that's what they're doing), then click here or here. I'm not one to defend Tori, but those of you screaming "OMG MOMMA TITTAYS IN FRONT OF A CHILD!!!11!!!" need to stop. That child has stared at Tori's face every day of his life, so I'm sure a pair of naked breasts won't scar him.
The carbon footprints of Johnny Knoxville and Tori Spelling grew a couple of sizes (yes, I've been listening to the hot environmentalist dude screaming shit at me on the street again), because they're both getting pissed in the face and shat on the hands by a brand new newborn baby friend. (Or depending on their new babies' aim, they're getting shat in the face and pissed on the hands.)
People reports that Johnny Knoxville's wife Naomi Nelson birthed out their second child, a daughter they named Arlo Clapp, on October 6th. Johnny and Naomi have an almost 2-year-old son named Rocko Akira Clapp and he has a 15-year-old daughter named Madison from a previous marriage. Rocko Akira Clapp sounds like the name of an STD you can only get from an anime character, but I actually sort of like the name Arlo. If babies started falling from the sky and I caught a daughter, I'd probably name her Ewan Danger Girl, but I'd think about naming her Arlo for a quick second. I can't wait to see little Arlo Clapp swallow a goldfish and then barf it up during her Jackass baptism.
People also reports that the forever pregnant pug monster Tori Spelling and her creeper-faced husband Dean McDermott welcomed their newest cast member yesterday in L.A.
Tori Twatted this out today:
"Our family's so happy 2 announce [that on] 10/10/11 [our] baby girl Hattie Margaret McDermott was born at 7:08am! Xoxo."
Hattie is Tori and Dean's third kid together and he has a son with his first ex-wife.
There's only one Hattie McD and that's Hattie McDaniel! I'm sure Baby Hattie McDermott knows this and will use all the money she makes from being whored out in reality show after reality show to change her name. Besides, put on your playground bully hat (mine doesn't come off, I know) and think of all the names that rhyme with Hattie. If only my mom thought of this, I wouldn't have gone through the 7th grade being called Dyke-el Gay.
Seen here looking like a parched grasshopper in an Abe Vigoda mask and blonde wig, Tori Spelling announced on her Twitter (via People) that she will do her part to flood the streets of Hollywood with amniotic fluid and force everyone to travel around on a Prius tug boat. Tori and her husband Dean McDermott will welcome a fifth cast member to their reality show empire this fall!
After thousands of Tori's fans (And by "thousands" I mean zero. And by "fans" I mean no one). wondered if she's got a baby in there or if she just happened to swallow a lima bean whole, she put all the speculation to bed.
I know there's been a lot of speculation, so I wanted everyone to hear from me... Its official...Dean & I are PREGNANT!!!!
Tori and Dean already have a 4-year-old son named Liam and a 2-year-old daughter named Stella.
Tori's tits look like my old Pogo Ball after my fat cousin pounded it into the driveway until it deflated, so I'm guessing that when she gets really pregnant they'll still look like that only bigger. But I shouldn't joke, Tori's kids are practically geniuses and come out of the womb talking. I mean, when they take a look at the double Mordors on her chest, they quickly learn how to say: "I'm not putting my mouth on that shit!"
Here's knocked up Tori with Dean at the GLAAD Awards in L.A. this past weekend.
Does the swine flu also cause your titty sacks to look like the surprised eyes of a frog with a Graves disease? Tori Spelling needs to let a bit of silicone out or something, because her chichis are jumping out at us. While Tori is seeing love in her eyes, I'm seeing two giant OWs in her chest. It's like an ant carrying a Cheerio.
On a positive note, if for some reason a stadium in South Africa isn't available on Sunday, they can hold the final World Cup game in Tori's titty canyon.
Anymytittyskinisweepingfortori, here's Tori and her son leaving a pizza place in L.A. yesterday.
When Tori Spelling calls all her old 90210 cast mates, they either hang up on her face or pretend to be the maid and tell her they are dead and not to call again. That's because they are all co-presidents of the I HATE TORI SPELLING club. That's what Tori says anyway. During an interview with Ryan Gaycrest on his KIIS-FM radio show this morning, he asked her about Tiffani Thiessen. Tori said:
"She doesn't talk to me anymore. All my cast members hate me. People say, 'Do you mean during 90210?' I say, 'No, we were great friends during 90210. We were friends after 90210.' They all came to my first wedding. All of a sudden I marry Dean McDermott, and I don't know what happened. I lost all my cast members."
Gaycrest said that as far as he knows, Tiffani does not have a dart board with Tori's face on it down in her basement. Tori's response to that was, "It's my perception, and nonetheless, it's a fun story."
Some may think that Tori's friends deleted her name from their address book after she sexed on a married dude while she was married, but I don't think that's why. Tori is sitting by herself in the cafeteria thanks to a little thing called Brenda Walsh-infused KARMA! When everybody was throwing shit at Brenda Walsh back in the olden days, Tori turned her back on her. Well, Karma is a bitch whose full name is Shannen Maria Doherty. This is also why Kelly Taylor has a permanent abscess on her taint (just go with me on that one).
Or maybe Tori's old cast mates don't talk to her, because they are afraid she's going to seduce their children with a delicious feast so that she can devour them whole. That's probably it.
Tori Spelling is skinnier than a lady bug's dick, but she swears on Dean McDermott's butt plug that she doesn't have an eating disorder. A few months ago, Tori tried to defend her skinniness by Tweeting that she isn't anorexic because she weighs a whopping 107lbs.
Instead of shutting the rumors down it fueled them even more. The Olsens sent Tori a gift certificate to Burger King and even Posh Beckham Ensured the bitch at a party. Ensuring is just like Icing, but you do it with Ensure instead of Smirnoff Ice, obviously.
In her new book TerriTORI (I really can't with that title), Tori blamed the swine flu on the reason why she's so skinny. Tori writes, "I've never had a great stomach, but (being ill) just completely tore up my stomach and broke down my immune system, and I've basically just been a mess (Ed note. - You can stop there, Tori, and it will be complete) ever since, stomach-wise. It's about rebuilding my immune system. I'm a role model for a lot of women out there, so I hate that they say these things unwarranted, without any research and facts. I think it's doing a disservice to women out there that look up to any celebrity."
If Tori wants to blame the fact that her stomach is as messed up as her face on swine flu, then that's fine, but she needs to quit that role model shit. Who in the hell looks up to Donna Martin?! Even Emily Valentine is more of a role model than Donna Martin and that ho roofied a bitch and tried to torch West Bev's parade float.
I guarantee you that anybody who takes one of those "Which 90210 character are you?" quizzes and gets Donna Martin as their answer, immediately throws their computer at the wall. Nobody wants to be Donna Martin!
Yup, you better believe one of Candy Spelling's powder rooms is going to be wallpapered from top to bottom with this mess. Shit, Candy probably had something to do with it.
In this week's Star Magazine, they go inside (Why are we always going inside?!) Tori Spelling's gutter of a marriage to Dean McDermott. One of Dean's dear friends, Michael Olifiers, says that he's only with Tori for the money and fame. Michael, who probably won't be getting a Hanukkah/Christmas basket from Tori this year, said, "There is no question Dean is with Tori for the money and the fame. Dean's always been desperate to become famous. He craved being in the spotlight and Tori's his ticket to that life."
Tori and Dean met on the set of some Lifetime movie when they were both married to other hos. Michael said that Dean's first words about Tori weren't exactly filled with hearts and rainbows. Apparently, the night before he had to kiss her in a scene, Dean told Michael, "I can't believe I have to kiss her. She looks like a horse!"
Michael said that after meeting Tori, Dean quit his wife and leeched on to Tori's vagina in order to get famous. When they were about to get married, Dean convinced Tori to not make him sign a prenup, because he thought she would inherit millions after her father passed away. But Michael said that when Dean found out Aaron Spelling didn't leave her a fortune, "he was livid."
Michael said that Tori and Dean are only together, because they make a living from their reality show, "They do everything and anything to make money from their fame."
Okay, who doesn't do everything and anything to make money? Just ask the welts on my butt cheeks (It's a long sordid dark story that I don't want to get into).
And does Michael not believe that true love can exist between a homewrecking gold-digging creepmeister and a homewrecking mare? Has Michael never seen My Friend Flicka? Netflix it, you dumb fuck.
Tori is already shitting on this story! Last night, Tori's publicist, Mr. Twitter, released this clear and concise statement: "Dean&I read STAR 2gthr&were grossed out@uncreative lies but made us appreciateR life&love more&made us sad4those tht spread lies.Bad Mo Jo!"
Yeah, I have no idea what she wrote either. I know it must be hard to type with hooves, but Tori could've let Dean do the Twittering.