Elderly

Don Imus' fat pepaw mouth has gotten him into trouble...again! On his morning show yesterday, Don Imus and his sportscaster were talking about how many times football player Adman "Pacman" Jones has been arrested. Don asked, "What color is he?" His sportscaster said he is African-American and Don responded, "Well, there you go. Now we know."

Don later said he meant Adam was being picked on by the police because of the color of his skin. Don said, "What people should be outraged about is that they arrest blacks for no reason. I mean, there's no reason to arrest this kid six times."

You know he didn't write that response. When you're 200 or 300 years old, common sense doesn't come into play anymore. It goes right out the door along with solid foods!

The pepaw billy goat needs to lay down already with an extra-large bowl of butterscotch pudding. Take your time eating it, Don. Take your time.

Source, Source

Larry King's wifey #6 (or 7?) has checked herself into rehab for an addiction to painkillers reports Page Six. 48-year-old Shawn Southwick King has been married to 7,689-year-old Larry King for 10 years. They have two brats together.

A friend of Larry's said, "Shawn is in rehab for medication issues related to her chronic migraine problem." He forgot to mention that Shawn's vagina is also in rehab for severe emotional trauma due to years of having to kiss and hug Larry's shriveled up snail.

If you were married to the dead, you would be on heroin, PCP, meth, ludes, coke, painkillers, Nyquil, booze, freon, peyote, jankem and more! Your kitchen would look like a Miami Vice episode.

You know that when Shawn checked into rehab, the rehab bitch asked her, "So what brings you here?" She responded, "I'm married to Larry King." Rehab bitch shouted, "Give her the works!"

Angie Jo's favorite make-out partner and brother, James Haven, went to the Lakers-Celtics game last night with his daddy, Jon Voight. Last year, James and Jonny had a bitch fight in the press. Have these two kissed and made up? If they did, I hope they didn't use tongue.

This is also the first time I've seen James Haven's eyeballs completely in their sockets. I sort of miss his bulging frog eyes.

The "Sex and the City" hags came out to support Cynthia Nixon last night. Cynthia was honored with the "Ginges Who Love Bull Dykes" award. No, she was awarded some Point of Courage award or something. She is courageous for going down on Christine Marinoni. Speaking of, I don't think she was there last night!

I fucking live for seeing Christine and couldn't find her anywhere in the pictures. She's like an episode of "Rags to Riches." I constantly channel surf for an episode, hoping to land on one, but it never comes. Christine is like that.

Maybe I should hang out in the tool section of Home Depot. She's bound to show up there!

Here's more pics of My Little Pony Parker and her lambs last night. I also added some Judith Light, because she's hotter than all of them combined with a dash of sugar.

It's 60 degrees and shitty here in NYC and it looks like it's about 80 and fucking gorgeous in Hawaii. Yeah, but the milk is still $10. Although, that might be an urban legend.

The Jack is still in Hawaii where he's body surfing, tanning his moobs and chatting up the ladies. I'm sure he's getting lucky night and day. The horny tourists are probably eating him up. They better be using rubbers. Jack is virile! He has like 7 kids or some shit. I went to Hawaii and all I got was Jack Nicholson's baby.

Harrison Ford got loaded with Shrek semen at the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards last night. That slime is probably what the inside of his catheter bag looks like. I'm yanking him! Harrison has still got it. I mean, he has the earring to prove it.

I actually sat and watched some of this shit. I only did it, because there were rumors that Brit Brit was going to perform. You know what happened the last time she performed, so I couldn't miss this possible mess fiesta. Not surprisingly, she didn't perform. It really hurts when people lie to you. Especially kids. Yes, I blame the kids.

So....here are some of the scallywags that came out for the children. Brendan Fraser's on-again-off-again fake hair needs to be turned off permanently. I'm starting to think it's actual grass grow on his head and he dyes it brown.

One day I really want to pour a glass of water all over the top of Asshole and Pete's heads. Those two would blow up just thinking about their perfectly straight hair possibly turning wavy. I don't think they could function if their hair was not straight.

Cleavage and a pearl necklace! What a dirty, dirty slut! The Daily Mail ran this little diddy about Lauren Bacall showing off a little bit of her 83-year-old tatas. They seem to think this is a fashion blunder. How? The bitch has boobs and she's not afraid to show them. This woman could go around naked with nothing but a labia ring and Crocs and I would still love her. Yes, even if she wore Crocs. That's true love.

Actually, I don't think I'd want to see her lady biscuit. When I was little, I once glanced at my abuelita getting dressed. It was like staring at the Grand Canyon. You know it's real, but it doesn't look real. You throw a coin in and you don't hear a sound. Oh shit! I can't believe I'm going there with my abuelita's vagina business. I need to punish myself with two hours of "Father Dowling Mysteries" and a cold clam soup dinner.

Here's that hot GILF Lauren at the Broadway premiere of "Gypsy" the other night. Since we're on the topic of hotness, I threw in a little Chris Burke. He was there supporting his former "Life Goes On" co-star, Patti Lupone. Obla-dee obla-da!

Got Dayum! I never watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but I always stopped during channel surfing when Spike's hot ass came on the screen. Spike is 45-years-old!

It was a Buffy the Vampire Slayer reunion at the Paley Center in Los Angeles last night. Sarah Michelle Gellar, Michell Trachtenburg, Seth Green, James Marsters and the other skanks came together for a panel discussion.

I huge reason why I could never get into Buffy was because Sarah M will always be Kendall Hart to me. As I watched, I kept waiting for that hot bitch Erica Kane to take the screen and slap the hell out of her.

Keith Richards has been named as one of the new wrinkly faces of Louis Vuitton. The 64-year-old stars in an ad campaign that launched this month. A spokeswhore for LV said, "Keith Richards is timeless and ageless. He's lean and mean and he's still current."

Ageless?! Did that bitch say this was a straight face? His face looks like a block of wood.

Keith will donate the money he made from the campaign to Al Gore's Climate Project.

Keith better look over his contract again. I think Louis Vuitton has more in mind. They probably want to turn HIM into a limited-edition Louis Vuitton bag. I mean, you can't find that kind of leather anymore.

Below is a billboard from Keith's new ad campaign.

I'm starting to get the feeling that Katie Holmes is purposely trying to look like a Park Avenue widow with a pill-popping problem. I think Tom Cruise is doing this to her. He's probably one of those queens that is really intos the 20s. He probably has a ton of those vintage posters and watches Marlene Dietrich movies during his bubble bath. He's living vicariously through Katie Holmes by dressing her up.

Here's Katie at the Costume Designers Guild Awards last night. Katie is looking hot....for 65.