Elderly

Kimora Lee's former leathery wallet, Russell Simmons, apparently had himself a cunt party for one at Charlotte Ronson's fashion show last night.

A witness tells Radar that when Russell got there, he immediately thought they gave away his seat, so he flipped a switch. The witness went on to say, "He thought his seat was given away and lost it on some poor staffer on the runway moments away from the show's start." Russell immediately pulled some "let me speak to your supervisor" shit. I love pulling that card whenever the telephone company refuses to refund all those calls to fuck lines I didn't make...while sober.

When the head bitch of seating came out to talk to Russell, he continued to act like an old fool. Russell was told to calm down and he shot back with, "I'm a calm person!" They were finally able to make Russell happy by moving two people in the front row.

Everyone knows that Russell's seat needs to be covered with dried grass and a plate full of wet lettuce should be available for him to chew on. Charlotte Ronson probably didn't provide this, so of course Russell's ass lips got twisted.

And I doubt Russell caused a big scene. I mean, there's nothing threatening about a 300-year-old turtle without his shell on.

Lauren Bacall is Twittering! At least, I hope this is her Twitter, because that means she will deliver countless shiny and bitchy gems. Nobody tells it like a memaw, because they really don't give an eff. And if you don't agree with them, they will whoop you with a switch, a garden hoe, or a....shoe. The latter was Lauren's weapon of choice when she was tempted to beat some sense into her granddaughter over the Twilight craze. Lauren Twittered:

"Yes, I saw Twilight - my granddaughter made me watch it, she said it was the greatest vampire film ever. After the 'film' was over I wanted to smack her across her head with my shoe, but I do not want a (tell-all) book called Grannie Dearest written on me when I die. So instead I gave her a DVD of Murnau's 1922 masterpiece Nosferatu and told her, 'Now that's a vampire film!' And that goes for all of you! Watch Nosferatu instead!"

You crazed Twihards out there shouldn't even bother trying to attack Lauren for her comments. You will lose. In fact, Lauren might be a vampire herself, so you should get on your knees and worship her. I mean, I get twitchy every time I look at Lauren's furry worm brows, but I quickly file those thoughts under "Don't Go There." Because Lauren is always right

VIA Contact Music

A local news crew went to the Cocoa, FL home of a woman who called the police after finding out her 15-year-old daughter was working at a strip club and they were greeted by a rabid memaw with a dangerous hoe! The memaw must have been in the middle of a really good Matlock episode while sipping on a cup of Ovaltine and brandy, because she was not pleased when the reporter knocked on the door! When the memaw noticed there was a camera on her, she attacked that shit with a garden hoe! Yes, she was protecting a stripper with a hoe. This shit writes itself.

Like I've said a million times before: abuelitas are not the one! They will grab whatever is in their reach to properly show you that you are in the wrong! Unfortunately for that camera, a garden hoe happened to be the closest object. Granny will hoe a bitch up!

The West Coast has Quween on the Scene, and the East Coast has Granny Garden Hoe! They should join forces. Cameras will quiver in fear!

When I downloaded these pictures of White Oprah Sr. in NYC yesterday, my laptop immediately crashed. It knew that there was really nothing more to say about this mess. I mean, not only is LiLo standing in front of a gay bar I once got kicked out of for giving a handjob to some dude wearing a toupee (it was a dark time in my life), but she still looks like a Southeastern lot lizard circa 1987. AND let's not get into the power bottom ass lips on her face or her glittermeister friend's Jackie Collins-approved bedroom slippers. Let's do it like my laptop and shut it all down!

Oh, shit! I thought this was a picture of a broken down Ruth Bader Ginsberg making a Strawberry Hill run. No, this is Steven Tyler with actor Chuck Slavin at Pembroke Center Liquors in Massachusetts on Saturday. I CAN'T!

Steven Tyler recently fucked up his bones when he fell of the stage, so I knew he was in a bad way, but DAMN DAMN DAMN! This is serious. Why does Steven look like he wants to give me an apple? Dopey, save me!

Here's a little video of Steven at the liquor store. Steven is a recovering alkie, but I don't think he was buying any of the sweet nectar. By the looks of him, he just wanted to pick up a bag of Brach's caramels and some Geritol.

Image VIA Boston.com

HoHan is making Ali look like this on purpose, so she looks younger, right? Because no 15-year-old should look like a divorced mother of two (circa 1976) coming home after working a 12-hour shift as a cocktail waitress at HoJo's. This girl needs an abuelita in her life to wipe that make-up off with Vaseline before putting her ass to bed.

But on a positive note, at least she's not bumping it against stripper pole....in public.....yet (SPOILER ALERT: That will happen next year).

Liv Tyler happened to be walking by when she witnessed a memaw yelling at a crying kid on the streets of Santa Monica, CA. The memaw must have been saying some serious shit like "Stop being such a dick!" or "I'm going to send you to Kate Gosselin!", because Liv stepped in. The paps say that Liv wanted to make sure the little girl was okay. When the memaw told her to get out of her life, Liv calmly walked over to her car to call 911.

Maybe the kid started crying when she saw Liv's shorts?

Personally, I think it was fine for Liv to step in. Some people might be screaming "Let a bitch raise their own child", but Liv felt that shit was getting too hot so she did something about it. The granny also has the right to tell her to shut her nosy mouth.

Let me also add that Liv's lucky she didn't deal with the wrong abuelita. Yes, more abuelita tales! I know some abuelita's that would've ran over to the nearest tree, ripped off a branch with their bare teeth and whooped Liv for getting in their business! Liv may be bigger than Khloe Kardashian, but nothing can stop a raging abuelita. Well, nothing except for a chocolate covered cherry and a mug of hot Ovaltine.

For those of you that are taking Alli, I suggest that the next time your asshole starts leaking greasy diarrhea, you bottle that shit STAT! Valentino will buy it from you by the gallon, because it looks like he loves to slather his face in poopy oil. That's his look. You might see a colonic gone wrong, but Valentino sees booty and poofection.

Here's Valentino looking like something Brit Brit might fart out at the premiere of his documentary in Los Angeles last night with Fishsticks and Anne Hathaway.

THAT'S SOME BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT!!!! And yes it fucking is. This stupid ass Mary-Kate Olsen troll is trying to look as elderly as possible when she should be dressing all slutty while she can get away with it. Bitch probably smells like moth balls, cat piss and White Shoulders dusting powder. Her pockets are probably filled with caramel square wrappers. You really just want to help her memaw ass across the street. She'll thank you by giving you a nickle. She'll also call you "Daniel" even though you've told her your name is Michael. Seriously, old ass bitches are always calling me Daniel!

Here's Granny Olsen shuffling into a car in NYC earlier today. Granny forgot her cane!

This morning on The View, crazy old Barbara Walters said, "Why do people want to be on MyFace?" Because your Twatter is always down, Babs.

P.S. - Pouring a mixture of industrial-grade bleach, OxiClean and Ammonia on a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser, then rubbing it on your forehead doesn't kill the mental images. I tried.