CZJ

Last night in Hollywood, Michael Douglas was honored by the American Film Institute and his shiny trophy was right there to next him smiling like she means it. That's why Cubic Zirconia Jones is an icon to all gold diggers. Yes, CZJ acts in movies sometimes, but being a trophy wife is her first priority. And she does it oh so well!

When Michael's colostomy bag spills in the middle of the night, CZJ probably doesn't even bat an eye. Well, I don't think she can bat her eye at all, because of ze Botoz. But if she could, she still wouldn't. She simply slips into her marabou-lined slippers, waltzes to the bathroom, makes sure her make-up is perfect and then quietly calls for the maid to come clean Michael's caca up. A classy whore in every way.

Albert Finney can take off the wig, because the role of Susan Boyle in the movie version of her life is close to being snatched up by none-other-than Catherine Zeta-Jones! That's what the Daily Mail claims anyway. They say that CZJ is trying to buy the rights to Susan's life story. The Daily Mail could've made that all up just so they could create this work of high-art that belongs in the museum of non-stop laughs.

CZJ should give Michael Douglas an extra kiss on his prune lips tonight, because if it wasn't for him this is exactly what she would look like today without all that money. This was your future, CZJ!

CZJ claims she's 38, but there's so many rumors about that she's lying her age. People have written me saying this bitch was in her 20s in the 1980s. I don't know, but she looks 38 to me. A botoxed to hell 38-year-old . That's probably why she married Michael Douglas, so that she could look like a hot young thing next to his pepaw ass.

Here's CZJ at a press conference for "Death Defying Acts" in Sydney with Guy Pearce. Guy will always be Felicia Jollygoodfellow to me.

Catherine Zeta-Jones loves it as she exits The Ivy in Los Angeles two days ago. Look at her, she loves that camera and is stopping to let the paparazzi get every angle of her. I kind of love her. Dumbass thinks she's like old Hollywood, OLD being right. If she wanted to be Hollywood's sex kitten, she should've rethunk those Krissy Snow wedges.

Image Source: ONTD

Catherine Zeta-Jones' gowns always look like they were worn by former first ladies. This one is something Nancy Reagan would've worn in the 80s. Let's not even talk about the hair. CZJ and her pepaw attended the "A Fine Romance Gala" in Los Angeles yesterday where she also performed classic showtunes. I hate to say this, but is she looking "wider" than usual?