Last year, Kate Hudson birthed out her second son and named him after a sports bar in the Boston area. (Okay, I don't know if there's a sport bar in the Boston area named Bingham Bellamy, but there should be.) Like all woman who have a hungry fetus inside of her for 9 months, her body got a few layers of chunk on it and she said she spent a quarter of her entire day working out to lose all the weight. Kate told Star Magazine (via Daily Mail) that right after her second kid was born, she spent more time doing Pilates than hanging out with him:
"I devoted six hours a day to a vigorous workout regime. I would do 45 or 55 minutes of cardio then an hour of Pilates or yoga, three times a day."
I blame babies for being so greedy all the time. While they're growing in a woman's womb, they should go on a juice cleanse (LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE DO) so its mom won't have to eat a bunch of food and get totally fat. Then when it comes out, instead of wailing for food all the time and crying for its mom to clean poop out of its butt, it should hold down its mom's feet so she can do sit ups and lose whatever weight she gained. It's all baby's fault for being a selfish baby.
And I think what Kate Hudson really meant to say is that she pretty much spent six FIGURES on getting full body lipo, a tummy tuck, a tit lift, vagina rejuvenation, uterus reupholstery and a new ass installed.
Like this bitch really spent 6 hours a day working out. When did she find the time to take care of Baby Bingham, do the laundry, clean the house, go to the grocery, make all the meals and take the other one to school? "Ahahahahaaaaa, that's funny." - Kate Hudson while taking a break from her six hours of Pilates while the nanny bottle feeds the baby in the corner.
Here's Kate and Matt Bellamy taking their baby for a walk in London the other day. Doing all that yoga and Pilates really messed up sense of direction, because bitch is walking backwards!
Don't you just hate it when you mistake a salt shaker for a coke shaker (see: picture of LiLo above)?
As expected, Fox News kept up their reputation as the hardest working fuckery makers in the game by bringing a triple dose of fame whore to last night's White House Correspondents' Dinner at the Hilton in DC. Lindsay Lohan came as a guest of Fox's Greta van Susteren, and Kim Kuntrashian and Pimp Mama Kris came as guests of Fox's affiliate in the 9th circle of Hell. LiLo actually bathed with soap for the occasion and covered her freckled carcass with the discount Windsor Fashions dress you wore to your prom in 1989. Even though that cheap ass dress looks like it was made with doggy poop bags, it was perfect for the occasion. It showcased her saggy wrinkly side tit and its skirt completely covered up the bags that were strapped to her thighs to hold all the silverware, jooree and centerpieces she stole from the event. "What did I do with my diamond bracelet?" is definitely the most used sentence in DC this morning.
As for Kim and PMK, they dressed up as Whore Kristmas. Kim wore a velvet dress that's the exact shade of the fumes that billow out of her cooze hole after she bumps wet parts with Kanye. Pimp Mama Kris wore her creator's favorite color and it looked like a dynamite stick stuffed with foundation blew up in her face right before she walked through a wind tunnel. Not only is bitch's face pulled, but so is her hair. Pimp Mama Kris' hair was standing straight up like it was reaching for God to help it.
I couldn't find any pictures of Kim and LiLo together, but I'm assuming there will be some later after pictures from the Secret Service's after-party held at the Super 8 in Virginia come out. In the meantime, here's some pictures from last night. In order: LiLo, Rick Santorum (getting a quick buzz from breathing in the coke dust cloud that surrounds LiLo), Kim with PMK, Mary J. Blige with her husband Kendu Isaacs, DanRad with Ronan Farrow, Charlize Theron, Kate Hudson, Claire Danes, Sookeh with Beehl, Goldie Hawn, Rosario Dawson with a pair of plastic baby heads, Dakota Fanning, Ginnifer Goodwin (after a bedskirt bukkake session), Eva Longoria, Zooey Deschanel, Swizz Beak with Alicia Keys, Martha Stewart, Viola Davis with her husband Julius Tennon and Oprah's handmaiden.
I know, how can I do Goldie Hawn like that especially after I wrote the paps a ticket for mistaking bright shining beauty Debbie Harry for Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay Lohan injects her lips with the liquefied remains of her career in hopes that one day she'll be as beautiful as Goldie Hawn. Drop the syringe, LiLo, because you can't touch this. Goldie launched her children's charity, The Hawn Foundation, in London last night and since she's given so much to society, she decided to do something good for herself by donating several bottles of champs to her froat!
Goldie's hair usually looks like a pack of chihuahuas tried to burrow themselves into it, but it was a category 5 mess last night. Bitch's hair was even drunk. I bet if you snipped off a lock of Goldie's hair and dipped it in a glass of Canada Dry, you'd have an instant 100 proof gin and tonic. Even though Goldie forgot how to get into a car and gave a Mad Men extra a free granny poon show, she still looked like a drunk tumbleweed of glamour. Which is more than I can say for Kate Hudson, who looked like a stoned overgrown dwarf.
The last time Kate Hudson threw the brown on top of her head, I toasted to her with a Pabst wrapped in a Rice Krispies treat beer cozy and declared her the new reigning queen of NASCAR glamour, because she looked like the kind of treasured trailer park blossom who submits pictures of herself from People of Walmart to Tits and Beer Magazine's beauty of the year contest. But Kate strut out onto the NYC set of her new movie The Reluctant Fundamentalist with a Russell Brand wig on her head and this time I can't toast to shit.
At least I hope that thing on her head can be removed and thrown onto a bedside chair at the end of the night. If it can, they really should've dunked her head in a tub of brown dye instead of fixing a wig to her skull that makes her look like she should be discussing topics like "how a lady can free a stuck shit by putting a finger up into her vagina" (please tell me this is true) next to Julie Chen and Sharon Osbourne. No offense to my 4th favorite Conner after DJ, Roseanne and Dan.
However, one way to keep our eyes off of Kate's head is to put her next to a hot piece in a corduroy jacket. His name is Riz Ahmed and we shall be married never, but a ho can still dream (and fap).
But back to whatever is on Kate's head, I give it 5 out of 5 ERRRRR faces from the new love of my blog life.
If you were sitting there thinking that no Hudson is as insufferably annoying as Kate Hudson, then meet Bill Hudson the man who pushed out the sperm that was later transformed into the dwarf monster who terrorizes romantic comedy after romantic comedy. Bill, who made Kate and Oliver Hudson with Goldie Hawn and later wiped his hands of parental rights when Kurt Russell came on the scene, is releasing an ESCANDALOSO tell-all this fall without the ESCANDALOSO part. Bill is basically Michael Lohan-ing this shit by crying about how Goldie and Kurt are the ones who pushed him out, and now Kate Hudson won't even talk to him or her memaw who is dying from Alzheimer's.
Bill is whining so hard that he's making Kate seem as pleasant as a hand job from a daisy. The details about this mess from Radar:
Life in the spotlight is not without its consequences, and the Hudson family was no exception," the book's website touts. "While enjoying success as a part of the 1970s musical group The Hudson Brothers, Bill Hudson fell in love and married actress Goldie Hawn.
"After their divorce, Bill found himself in the middle of the controversial issue of parental alienation. His rights as a father to see his children were often played out in the media because Oliver and Kate became actors themselves."
Devastating secrets and salacious details of both Goldie and Kate's lives are expected to be revealed.
As RadarOnline.com was first to report, Bill accused Kate of not visiting or calling her dying grandma, who is battling Alzheimer's disease.
"Kate doesn't have to talk to me and she doesn't have to give her a dime of her millions. All I want is for her to call and say, 'Hi grandma', before it's too late," Bill said.
"I love Kate, but... She has done stuff which is just awful. She is a spoiled brat in my eyes and at the end of the day, she should meet her little sister. I should meet my grandchild and she should help her grandmother."
That shit is supposed to be salacious? Bill is just trying to shame Kate into throwing some of her Something Borrowed money into her grand mama je'e's pocket book while trying to make a check himself. Well, I guess if you can't get your daughter to give you some money, you might as well make some money off of her ass by calling her a "spoiled brat" in a tell-all book that not even dust will touch. But you know, after watching the last part of Bride Wars the other night, I'm totally on Team Asshole Bill.
Here's Kate Hudson and Matt Bellamy mouth kissing in front of their newborn Google Goldie at a cafe in London while a man of the people makes a "Waitress, there's a BARF in my soup!" face! The only time I want to see a dwarf kiss an elf out in public is in Narnia! Is a talking lion walking the streets in front of that cafe? Nope. Therefore, it's not Narnia, so keep your lips to yourselves! Before you call me a prude who hates public displays of affection, fuck your throat with your tongue. I never said I hated public displays of affection.
Giving a beej in front of a back alley dumpster to a strange dude you just met by the cigarette machine = OKAY
Giving G-rated lovey kisses to the father of your child inside of an eating establishment = NOT OKAY
In case you forgot what a tiny newbornling looks like, here's Kate Hudson and Matt Bellamy's 5-week-old son Bingham Hawn Bellamy (that name still makes my eyeballs twist) making his public debut in a picture his dad Twatted yesterday.
You know, Kate Hudson probably brought in a stylist to perfectly blow out her hair and then made her make-up artist do up her face up so it looks like the sunlight is naturally bringing out the rosy in her cheeks, but bitch couldn't pose Bing so he doesn't look like he's trying to pull a new name out of his nose?
And how dare Kate and Matt release the first picture of Bing for free! They could've done a 10-page spread for Life & Style and donated all of the money to a children's charity. Think of all the third world orphans who will starve until the Grim Reaper taps on their shoulders, because of Kate and Matt's selfishness!
But seriously, now that I look at Bing, he looks more like a Chanandler Bong to me.
via Too Fab
If you're birthing out a baby this week and plan to name it either Corky Sherwood or Waldo Faldo, then you better copyright it now, because obviously the theme of the week is naming your kid after 90s sitcom characters. Posh & Becks already showed their love for George Costanza by naming their first daughter Harper Seven, and now Kate Hudson and Matt Bellamy have shown us which Friends character is their favorite. No, not Smelly Cat. I wish. Matt Tweeted this immortal words that will haunt his son until the kid learns how to fill out a name-changing form on his own.
So happy! Just had a baby boy, Bingham "Bing" Hawn Bellamy. Born 7Ib 12Oz, on 9th July.
BINGHAM BING HAWN BELLAMY?! Your child's name should not sound like a tongue twisting exercise a theater geek does before taking the stage in their high school production of Pride & Prejudice. If you typed the name "Bingham Hawn Bellamy" into BING it will automatically direct you to the website thefuckiswrongwithyourstupidass.com. Ask Jeeves Hawn Bellamy would've been better since bitches only use BING to find free porn and cat pictures. Bing Bellamy was probably John Waters' first choice of a name for Corny Collins in Haispray.
But let me look at the bright side of things, if an O pushed the I out of the way and took its place, his name would be BONG BELLAMY. Doesn't that have a beautiful ring to it? Or maybe I inhaled my last toke too fast and I really am just hearing bells ring.
Kate Hudson guessed that she was having a baby of the female variety, because a string of hair and a ring said so! But nope, that shit was wrong because she had another baby boy! The pendulum test fails yet again. (Or maybe Kate's son tried to fuck with her by tucking his shit in the womb.)
Kate's spokeswhore tells UsWeekly that Kate and her fiance Matt Bellamy of Muse embraced a bundle of slobber, wet poo and needy coos as Goldie Hawn and the Dalai Lama (who Skyped in from DC) hummed out a chant to center Kate's sacral chakra. This is Kate's second kid and Matt's first.
Kate's rep kept their lips shut about what they named their new son, but her first son's name is Ryder Russell Robinson, so they probably kept with the same initial theme. I'm thinking Bitch Bogus Bellamy, Big Beautiful Bellamy, Bossy Bottom Bellamy, Beep Beep Bellamy, Blue Benetnasch Bellamy, or Bam Bam Bellamy. But if I was them, the only name to choose from would be: Ring Dem Bellamy.
Andre Leon Talley is the most influential person in the fashion world (as Tyra Banks tells us every single week on America's Next Top Model) and he really didn't disappoint at last night's MET Costume Gala last night when he floated onto the red carpet like the ethereal gay dream version of some University's mascot. You can tell that when his farts billow through that gown, they smell like blueberries dipped in melted grape chapstick. When ALT is done with that old gown, he can donate it to the entire graduating class (EVERY SCHOOL) of 2011! There's room in there for all of them.
The Vixen of Vogue wasn't the only trick who served scalding hot fuckery on a plate of fuckery last night. There were others who made it their night's goal to summon a wave of WTF faces from the photographers. They would not let ALT be the only one. No, they would not!
Wednesday Addams snatched this shit from the rack marked "Morticia's freakum dresses" in The Addams Family costume closet many years ago and she's been waiting for the day to wear it.
Kate Hudson's dress is pretty normal, but that crap on her head looks like a rhinestone sea urchin that crawled out of Andre Leon's Talley's glitter hole and found a new home on her hair.
Ashley Olsen brings us the news that Brenda Walsh's prom dress moved to Switzerland and got a morning job as a milk maid.
Christina Hendricks... Christina Hendricks... Christina Hendricks... I'm just going to focus on the beautiful pair of sunrise chichis and then move right along before I get rust poisoning.
A slew of ICANTS go to Fuggie Fug, Freida Pinto, Kristen Stewart, Marc Jacobs, Robert Duffy and Serena Williams (who thinks she's at a HoJo's Royal Wedding party).
Lastly, I can't say one mean thing about Basement Baby's look. Beyonce accidentally left a bag of Cost Plus impulse buys in front of the basement door and Solange made a DRESS out of them. Not a dress, but a DRESS! No comment on the make-up which makes her look like a constipated lady bug.