Ken Paves

With her head on Lady Gaga's body, and Lady Bunny's wig on her head, Jessica Simpson poses for New York Magazine and talks about her $1 billion dollar fashion empire (“I never thought I’d be some fashion mogul!") and her gold digging fiance ("He has so many books. Like, just books and books and books and books."). But I'm focusing more on the tumbleweed of Barbie ponytails on her head. If that isn't a FUCK YOU to Ken Paves disguised as an obese wig, then I don't what is. Jessica stopped fluttering around Ken's fruit bowl when she picked up a gold digger and now she does this to him?

Ken can't even touch a piece of blonde weave without shedding a single tear while thinking about how he would laugh when Jessica would come back from the bathroom and tell him that the health department is going to put an F over his door because of the rotten shit she dropped in his toilet (awwwww). And then he chokes up when he remembers the time Jessica asked him if weave pieces were baby wigs (awww, the sequel). Jessica knew what she was doing when she put that mop on her head. New York Magazine put that wig on her head to make her ass look smaller, but they made her cold-hearted bitch gene look bigger while doing so. Well, played...actually.

If the rumors are true, then Ken Paves, the light in my high, is no longer massaging the girdle marks out of Jessica Simpson's skin with his natural sweet oils. The story goes that Ken is sick of Jessica throwing an invisible cape over his ass every time she gets a piece in her life.

We all know that bitch. The bitch who drops you as soon as she gets some full-time dick, but then pulls some "Oh, how I've missed you" shit as soon she's single again. Well, Ken had enough so he swatted the fly from his fruit bowl and is now spending more time with Posh. Here he is throwing a "Yup, you had this" look of scorn at the camera while sitting with Posh at an L.A. Galaxy game in Carson, CA last night.

Becks is busy rolling around with premium pussy peddlers, so Posh always has time for Ken. But then again, Posh can't hang with hos skinnier than she is, so Ken is going to have to go on that Jessica Simpson diet (the irony....) if he wants a place at her trough.

And just because, here's also some pictures of Becks giving the jersey off his back to two beauties in the stands.

At an Operation Smile event in NYC last night, Jessica Simpson gave a variety of interesting facial expressions that are just aching for the Photoshop treatment. If Papa Joe must put these pictures through the Photoshop wringer, I hope he keeps it clean. Literally. Seriously, drop a Sonicare or a Water Pik in her mouth. If bitch isn't going to brush her teefs in real life, she can at least brush them through the magic of Photoshop (soon to be renamed "SJPshop," trademark pending).

When Jessica wasn't using her face to reenact my nightly bong ritual, she answered questions from the likes of UsWeekly. They asked Jessica about the rumors that she's brushing her teefs with Jeremy Renner's peen. Jessica kept her lips shut and her publicist dragged her on to the next mic.

Of course, Jessica isn't going to say shit about that. She wants everyone to keep talking about it. It's the equivalent of sticking the tip in and promptly pulling out to leave them twitching for more. That's how Papa Joe explained it to her anyway.

Jessica Simpson's reality show for Vh1, The Price of Beauty, starts shooting next week and the network is shaking their heads while emptying all their pockets, because making Papa Joe's favorite wet dream star look like she just walked out of a Glamour Shots does not come cheap. Page Six says that Jessica's price for beauty is around $25,000 clams per episode. A source said, "She insists on using her own hair, makeup and fashion stylists, who are more expensive than J.Lo's."

A rep for Vh1 said they don't comment on money shit.

$25,000 is not that much*. I'm sure that's less than the booze, lube and morning after-pill budget on any of those Rock of Whore shows. Although, you know most of that money is really going towards Ken Paves' moisturizer bill. If K-Pav doesn't keep his pucker hole moist at all times, he's real a bitch and will refuse to glue polyester hair pieces into Jessica's scalp.

* You know her Hostess Cakes budget is higher.

Jessica Simpson is not going to let the fact that most of Texas hates her ass get in the way of bonding with her man. A drunk Jessica came stumbling out of the Key Club in Hollywood last night with Tony Romo in tow. They were there to see Metalskool. I'm guessing that was Romo's idea. Dumb bitch Jessica probably thought they were going to go make iron candlesticks. You know...Metalskool. Ok, that was a bad joke.

Ken Paves was also there, because he's attached to Jessica's dirty weave.

Wenn

Did Ken and Chestica break up? Ken Paves is in Rome to do Jenny McCarthy's hair for the TomKat wedding tomorrow. He's also rumored to be doing Katie Holme's hair for the main event. Um..did she ask to see his resume? Ken apparently won the job from Oscar Blondi to do the bride's hair.

God, Katie's gonna have a damn wig with curls in it. Oscar is apparently upset that Katie dissed him. That's it, this story is pretty lame. I'm sorry. I just wanted to post a picture of this hotness of a man.

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