Paris Hilton

Five years ago, when Wonky McValtrex was still the reigning fame whore queen of the ho stroll, she left her front door unlocked like the dumb shit she is and that allowed the Bling Ring to slip into her house and steal a bunch of crap from her. The Bling Ring did this five times, because just like Wonky's coochie, her house is really easy to get into. Sofia Coppola made a movie about it and that movie premiered at Cannes last night. Since Wonky has a cameo in the movie and let Sofia shoot inside her house, she went to the premiere and brought her 8-month-old boy toy River Viiperi with her.

At the after-party for the movie, Wonks told Vulture that watching the movie made her cry out tears from her one good eye. Wonks didn't cry, because the movie made her think of the days when she was still relevant. Wonks cried, because it reminded her of all the times she was violated by the Bling Ring.

"I was really emotional watching it. During some parts of it, I literally had tears in my eyes and I wanted to cry. I knew what happened with the burglaries, but I had never actually seen it — so watching it happen, I was like, 'Oh my God, this really happened to me. These kids were really in my house and did this to me.' It's so violating. It just made me really angry and upset, and when I see these kids, I want to, like, slap them."

("Now you know how we feel, bitch!" said the hundreds of thousands of peens whose owners violated them by forcing them into Wonky's crusty chocha cave of doom)

When Vulture asked Wonks about the burglaries, she said that she sort of feels bad for the guy burglar, because he only stole that stuff to impress the girl burglar. Wonks didn't know the names of any of the burglars who burglarized her house FIVE TIMES. Then at the end of the interview, some dude asked Wonks for a picture and she said, "Yeah, bitch."

Maybe it's because I'm nostalgic or because I've been suffering from Kardashian-itis for way too long, but sometimes I actually miss this useless piece of vapid trash. Her brand of dumbness can be really entertaining. And now that we've all laughed at her dumbness like it was 2006, we can go back to not missing her.

Here's Wonks and her fetus-aged boyfriend grossing everyone out last night. Somebody please call CPS, because I think Wonks gave that child seven kinds of VD.

My thoughts exactly, baby with a bear.

The pus trickling out of an open sore on 2006's taint issued a sorry statement through GLAAD last night and let out a stream of sowwies for the things she said on a recording that was secretly taped by a cab driver. Parasite Hilton was caught saying that "gays are disgusting," "most of them have AIDS" and that she'd never want to be a gay guy, because she'd die of AIDS. As Parasite kicked at her closed closet door to stop the starving chihuahuas in there from crying for food, her publicist typed this out:

As anyone close to me knows, I'm a dumb piece of shit I always have been and always will be a huge supporter of getting publicity the gay community. I am so not sorry and so not upset that I caused pain to my gay friends, fans that don't exist and their families with the comments heard this morning. I was having this private conversation with a friend of mine who is gay and our conversation was in no way towards the entire gay community but only towards the ones with AIDS. EWW!. It is the last thing that I would ever want to do and I cannot put into words because I'm too fucking stupid to do so how much I wish I could take a cock right now back every word.

HIV/AIDS can hurt anyone, gay and straight, men and women. It's something I don't take very seriously and should not have been thrown around in conversation.

Gay people are the the most disgusting and horniest strongest and most inspiring people I know. It is so wrong when people bully or put down others for being gay. No one should have to go through that. Again, I am so sorry from the bottom of my heart and the joke is on you because I don't have a heart I feel absolutely happy that my name is actually coming up in Google Alerts in the year 2012 horrible. I hope that everyone can accept my apology and know that it is not who I am or how I feel in any way.

Thank you for taking a minute to read this shit I didn't write, I love you unless you're a gay dude, a black person or have a gross disease. EWW!.

I can actually appreciate Parasite's fake apology, because if she didn't issue one, Chick-Fil-A would've hired her as their new spokeswhore and then we'd see her disfigured ostrich face everywhere.

When Parasite Hilton is in the back of a car, she usually only opens her mouth to lazily suck on the random dick next to her, but on September 7th in NYC, she opened her mouth to give her thoughtful opinion on gay dudes. Just like how she gave her thoughtful opinion on black dudes.

Radar says that Wonky and her friend, who's gay, were in the back of a cab and the driver secretly recorded them shitting at the mouth about Grindr. The piece of stank trash got famous from getting dicked on night vision said that gay dudes are the horniest people in the world (cut to me making a guilty face while closing all my browser tabs with porn sites on 'em) and most probably have AIDS. Yeah, go ahead and file this under: This is RICH coming from GlaxoSmithKline's #1 Valtrex supplier.

If your brain burped up a question mark at the name "Grindr," Grindr is an app that some gay dudes use to find other nearby gay dudes to fuck on. It's also an app people can use to see the only men in the world that Wonky hasn't fucked for an 8-ball. Wonky's friend was showing her how Grindr works and that made her queef up these words of wisdom:

"Ewww! Eww. To get fucked? Gay guys are the horniest people in the world.... I would be so scared if I were a gay guy. You'll like, die of AIDS."

You know, I sort of know how Wonky feels. I would be so scared if I were Wonky McValtrex, because you're like, already dead inside. But the most hilarious part is how Wonky's rep tried to spin it.

Paris Hilton's comments were to express that it is dangerous for anyone to have unprotected sex that could lead to a life threatening disease. The conversation became heated, after a close gayfriend told her in a cab ride, a story about a gay man who has AIDS and is knowingly having unprotected sex. He also discussed a website that encourages random sex by gay men with strangers. As she was being shown the website her comments were in reference to those people promoting themselves on the site. The cab driver who recorded this, only provided a portion of the conversation. It was not her intent to make any derogatory comments about all gays. Paris Hilton is a huge supporter of the gay community and would never purposefully make any negative statements about anyone's sexual orientation.

Okay, so gays aren't disgusting, just horny gays with AIDS are disgusting. This changes EVERYTHING, because when I want to know what's "disgusting," I ask a dumb trollop skank who regularly hangs out with Brandon "Fat Elvis" Davis. But now that this dingle-brained talking used condom has reminded us that she exists by leaking this recording, we can go back to forgetting about her and I can go and reopen all those porn site tabs.

And go to Radar if the YouTube above doesn't work.

And it keeps getting messier. The executors of Michael Jackson's Estate and his three kids, Prince, Paris and Blanket all want the court to give Tito's son and the Hot Slut of my heart, TJ Jackson, temporary guardianship, because they believe that their aunties and uncles have kidnapped Katherine Jackson. Meanwhile, Katherine Jackson is far from the drama in Arizona and busy worrying about whether or not she's going to beat Rebbie's ass in a game of Uno.

TMZ says that 34-year-old TJ Jackson, who is married with two children, is having his lawyers put together the legal documents and he's expected to file them any day now. Michael Jackson's Estate and MJ's kids all want TJ to take over as guardian until all this messy drama gets cleaned up. If it ever will (this is the Jackson family we're talking about, it never will). All of this went down just hours after Janet Jackson went crazy on Paris Jackson by trying to snatch away her cell phone.

So if the kids want the always gorgeous TJ Jackson to be their guardian, does that mean Tito isn't in on the kidnapping scheme? Or maybe the kids specifically said they want TJ Jackson's luscious otter brows to be their guardian, because his eyebrows would probably do the best job and they look pretty maternal. And you might be wondering where Detective La Toya is in all of this. Shhh, don't say anything, but she's deep, deep, deep undercover and is creeping through the cobblestone streets to get to the bottom of EVERYTHING. Don't blow her cover!

UPDATE: Tito Jackson has dropped out of Team Take Over MJ's Estate and is no longer trying to overthrow the executors of MJ's will. Tito better run, because Janet Jackson isn't playing anymore and she's so going to get him for this.

In case you needed to know that Wonky McValtrex is as good at DJing as she is at sucking dick, here's that piece of trash pretending to push a bunch of buttons and turn knobs during her debut DJ set at the Sao Paolo Music Festival. Fucking a DJ (or two, or three, or forty) does not make this skank a DJ. Wonks probably thinks DJ Afrojack passed his mixing skills to her through his jizz stream. If that was possible, Wonks wouldn't only be the world's greatest DJ. She'd also be the world's greatest drug dealer, reality show contestant, basic cable actor, singer, porn star, bass player, club doorman, bathroom attendant, Walgreens stock boy, homeless man living under a bridge and (insert the occupation of every man in the L.A. area).

Is there such a thing as dj-synching, because there's no way Wonks made music come out of those speakers by herself. Bitch can't even operate an Etch-A-Sketch. Wonks put on that craft project Lady GaGa outfit and pretended to DJ while one of her crotch crabs was really the one pressing play on the iPod under that table.

RPattz, whose scalp makes a cameo as the enchanted forest in Snow White & The Huntsman, was too busy doing more important things (like deep conditioning his taint hair or whatever) to show up to last night's MTV Movie Awards, so Kristen Stewart had to accept their award for Best Kiss by herself. KStew tried to make a joke out it by begging Charlize Theron, Thor, Taylor Lautner or ANYBODY to get up there and put their lips on hers. Charlize couldn't do it, because she was backstage putting her lips on a bong she made out of one of those popcorn trophies. Taylor Lautner couldn't do it, because he's not one to put his mouth on lady lips for free. So KStew asked herself, WWJAD (What would Jennifer Aniston do?) and the answer was: make out with herself!

You know, what KStew lacks in acting skills, she makes up for in awkwardness. She is beyond awkward. This one time when I was 8 or 9, I walked in on my one-legged stepmother changing her tampon over the toilet in my dad's guest bathroom. Afterward, she sat down next to me at the breakfast table (No, we weren't having tomato omelets, thank God!) and we ate in silence. If I could take the awkwardness I felt in that moment and mold it into a human person, that human person would be a lot like Kristen Stewart. Just awkwardness running through her veins...

Anyway, here's a few pictures from last night. In order: Jennifer Aniston, Jodie Foster (throwing either a "Where's a strap-on when you really need one?" or "This bitch better not ask me to make out with her!" side-eye), Johnny Depp, Ciara, Christina Ricci, Charlize, Wiz Khaliafaawhatever with Amber Rose, KStew, Emma Stone, Jessica Biel, Chris Hemsworth, Ryan Seacrest with Julianne Hough, Brooke Hogan, Ick & Nast, Jean-Claude Van Damme with guest, Emma Watson, two Fraggle Rock refugees, Marky Mark, Andrew Garfield and Russell Brand.

Zac Efron's former lip gloss holder Vanessa Hudgens is looking more fucked up than usual and that could mean only one thing: It's Coachella time again! Vanessa Hudgens normally looks like the L train gargled up the worst fashions from the 90s before barfing all over her, but when April rolls around she really turns up the WTF. This year, Vanessa went hard and really earned a THIS BITCH badge of honor by trying to offend as many groups of people and pairs of eyeballs as possible. Let's go down the line....

That headdress is offending her Native American ancestors (she's like .5% Native American, okay) and 3rd graders who can make a better one using an old belt, construction paper and pigeon feathers. That Sharpie bindi is offending both cholas and Indians for obvious reasons. That peace sign is offending Chicken Cutlets since that her signature pose. And I don't know if that make-up is offending Native Americans, ThunderCats or caca streaks on chonies?

The organizers of Coochella need to be brought up on charges for being an accessory to this dumbassness.

Here's a few more pictures from over the weekend of hos doing it right (see: Ian Somerhalder hugging half of his nalgas) and bitches doing it wrong (see: pretty much everyone else). In order: a damn fool, Trouty Mouth with Horsey Mouth's niece, Johnny Hallyday, Jared Leto, Fuggie Fug with Josh Duhamel, a leftover queef bubble from 2002, Katy Perry, Ke$hit and Ian S.

Remember when I said 7 seconds ago that I care about the well-being of your ears? I said a lie. Because if I had any respect or love for your sense of hearing, I wouldn't expose it to this eardrum-burning, dead baby hooker shit from Manufactured Superstars featuring stumbling bag of queefs Wonky McValtrex.

In that monotone, soulless, slut toddler voice of hers, Parasite educates us about the new phenomenon (for 1999) called drunk texting. Just like her "career," sex tape and insides, this mess has a pulse rate of zero. This is like Meeting In The Ladies Room if Meeting In The Ladies Room got the life beat out of it with a flip phone and was left for dead in the alleyway behind a has-been club. To quote the poetic Klymaxx: "I had to leave my condo to come to this?!" If I tried to drunk text this song to anyone, my iPhone would auto-correct it to read: STOP!

I know you hate me, because after listening to that virus of a song, you now have deflated anal warts inside of your ear holes. Maybe this dose of musical antibiotics from a real star will stop the stinging a bit.

UPDATE: Wonky's black hole ate the EwTube above, but if you really hate yourself you can click here to listen to it.

via Idolator

The offices of Vanity Fair España must have been sucked into a time warp and shoved into the raw asshole of 2004 while they were doing their January issue, because why in SANTO DIOS fuckery hell would they put this vapid relic of skank trash on their cover? Parasite Hilton shouldn't have been on the cover in 2004, and she really shouldn't be on that shit now. Was nobody else available? Paz Vega's dog walker? Pedro Almodovar's nipple hair dandruff? The assistant to the royal groomer who prunes the ethereal dandelion bush on the Duchess of Alba's head? A homeless man who barfed on Javier Bardem's shoes once? Any of those should've been on the cover before this wax dildo in a weave. But you know, I'm not even sure that is Wonky. It could be an alien lizard wearing a mannequin's torn off face.

And do you blame that poor dog for wondering if there's enough coffee in that cup for it drown itself in? It's either that or face the doggy death closet of doom.

via HuffPo (Thanks, Glasgow!)

Putting the whore in Whore-O-Ween, Wonky McValtrex showed up to some stupid party in L.A. last night dressed in costume as one of my childhood heroes, She-Ra. Seeing this useless piece of dried pussy vomit as the most beautiful and strongest goddess in Eternia should make me punch out my eye until it's as wonky as hers, but it doesn't. That cheap ass costume looks like it cost about $2.99, which is $2.98 more than that gutter-snatched dildo is worth, and so most hos probably didn't even see She-Ra in this at all. Bitch looks more like Alice the Goon working as a cocktail waitress at a Caesars Palace knock-off casino on the outskirts of Reno where the drinks are cheap and so are the handjobs behind the broken slot machine in the back.

The fact that Wonky thinks she can pull off She-Ra is as funny as the fact that her purse probably cost $2,000 and looks like it was a budget special at Claire's. Everything that cheap whore touches turns to cheap. Breaking news.