Paris Hilton

Zac Efron's former lip gloss holder Vanessa Hudgens is looking more fucked up than usual and that could mean only one thing: It's Coachella time again! Vanessa Hudgens normally looks like the L train gargled up the worst fashions from the 90s before barfing all over her, but when April rolls around she really turns up the WTF. This year, Vanessa went hard and really earned a THIS BITCH badge of honor by trying to offend as many groups of people and pairs of eyeballs as possible. Let's go down the line....

That headdress is offending her Native American ancestors (she's like .5% Native American, okay) and 3rd graders who can make a better one using an old belt, construction paper and pigeon feathers. That Sharpie bindi is offending both cholas and Indians for obvious reasons. That peace sign is offending Chicken Cutlets since that her signature pose. And I don't know if that make-up is offending Native Americans, ThunderCats or caca streaks on chonies?

The organizers of Coochella need to be brought up on charges for being an accessory to this dumbassness.

Here's a few more pictures from over the weekend of hos doing it right (see: Ian Somerhalder hugging half of his nalgas) and bitches doing it wrong (see: pretty much everyone else). In order: a damn fool, Trouty Mouth with Horsey Mouth's niece, Johnny Hallyday, Jared Leto, Fuggie Fug with Josh Duhamel, a leftover queef bubble from 2002, Katy Perry, Ke$hit and Ian S.

Remember when I said 7 seconds ago that I care about the well-being of your ears? I said a lie. Because if I had any respect or love for your sense of hearing, I wouldn't expose it to this eardrum-burning, dead baby hooker shit from Manufactured Superstars featuring stumbling bag of queefs Wonky McValtrex.

In that monotone, soulless, slut toddler voice of hers, Parasite educates us about the new phenomenon (for 1999) called drunk texting. Just like her "career," sex tape and insides, this mess has a pulse rate of zero. This is like Meeting In The Ladies Room if Meeting In The Ladies Room got the life beat out of it with a flip phone and was left for dead in the alleyway behind a has-been club. To quote the poetic Klymaxx: "I had to leave my condo to come to this?!" If I tried to drunk text this song to anyone, my iPhone would auto-correct it to read: STOP!

I know you hate me, because after listening to that virus of a song, you now have deflated anal warts inside of your ear holes. Maybe this dose of musical antibiotics from a real star will stop the stinging a bit.

UPDATE: Wonky's black hole ate the EwTube above, but if you really hate yourself you can click here to listen to it.

via Idolator

The offices of Vanity Fair España must have been sucked into a time warp and shoved into the raw asshole of 2004 while they were doing their January issue, because why in SANTO DIOS fuckery hell would they put this vapid relic of skank trash on their cover? Parasite Hilton shouldn't have been on the cover in 2004, and she really shouldn't be on that shit now. Was nobody else available? Paz Vega's dog walker? Pedro Almodovar's nipple hair dandruff? The assistant to the royal groomer who prunes the ethereal dandelion bush on the Duchess of Alba's head? A homeless man who barfed on Javier Bardem's shoes once? Any of those should've been on the cover before this wax dildo in a weave. But you know, I'm not even sure that is Wonky. It could be an alien lizard wearing a mannequin's torn off face.

And do you blame that poor dog for wondering if there's enough coffee in that cup for it drown itself in? It's either that or face the doggy death closet of doom.

via HuffPo (Thanks, Glasgow!)

Putting the whore in Whore-O-Ween, Wonky McValtrex showed up to some stupid party in L.A. last night dressed in costume as one of my childhood heroes, She-Ra. Seeing this useless piece of dried pussy vomit as the most beautiful and strongest goddess in Eternia should make me punch out my eye until it's as wonky as hers, but it doesn't. That cheap ass costume looks like it cost about $2.99, which is $2.98 more than that gutter-snatched dildo is worth, and so most hos probably didn't even see She-Ra in this at all. Bitch looks more like Alice the Goon working as a cocktail waitress at a Caesars Palace knock-off casino on the outskirts of Reno where the drinks are cheap and so are the handjobs behind the broken slot machine in the back.

The fact that Wonky thinks she can pull off She-Ra is as funny as the fact that her purse probably cost $2,000 and looks like it was a budget special at Claire's. Everything that cheap whore touches turns to cheap. Breaking news.

The Kardashian Klan has long replaced Parasite Hilton as the most popular vapid pieces of trash on the ho stroll, so the dumb scab should've expected ABC's Dan Harris to ask her if she's ever worried that the spotlight she's been humping on for more than 10 years has finally turned off. Dan Harris asked the star of T.W.A.T. Pee (The World According to Paris) that question during an interview for Good Morning America and it made Wonky jump up faster than one of her crotch crabs when she queefs. Wonky did what she always does when things don't go her way: she whined to her publicist about the mean old man asking the mean old questions.

Dan's questions weren't even that mean and these are things that people are saying about her. The Tijuana PennySaver shouldn't even be interviewing her ass, so bitch should be grateful that anybody is putting a mic under her mouth. The thing is, Wonks obviously doesn't like the questions Dan threw at her, but instead of telling him to chew on her pussy (like any normal ADULT would) she throws a tantrum. Ho is 30 and it's time to drop the Angelica from Rugrats act.

Wonks went on with the interview and recited some words her publicist told her to say while making a fake smile a jack in the box makes right before you punch it in the head. Then Wonky showed Dan the custom-built doggy death chamber in her backyard. It has chandeliers! It has air-conditioning! See Wonky truly does care about animals. She cares enough to give them something sparkly to look at as they slowly starve to death in the backyard. The patron saint of STDS AND animals.

If your "Paris Hilton is an Arrogant Asshole" tank needs refueling, then line it with a filter made of Valtrex pills and open up because this shit will fill you up and then some.

So, the first episode of Parasite Hilton's Oxygen reality show The World According To Paris (T.W.A.T. Pee) was watched by less people than she's given hand jobs to in the VIP section of Tao. Specifically, around 400,000 pairs of eyes watched a useless skank show us not-so-new ways on how she's useless. On a positive note, the new saying is "...suck harder than Paris Hilton's ratings" instead of "...suck harder than Paris Hilton on any given day."

Wonky, of course, is not taking any responsibility for the fact that her show tanked. Kathy Hilton plugged that mess harder than (you know what I'm going to write so just insert it here) on The View the other day and she also said that not a lot of people knew when she show came on. Well, Wonky is using that excuse for why her show is sucking the air out of Oxygen. A source tells Popeater:

"Paris is furious that the show didn't premiere at the time it was supposed to. "She worked her tail off doing promotion and publicity for the show and then because of a technical mistake, the show aired at a completely different time in a lot of markets.

This could be the last nail in the coffin. She has been replaced by Teen Moms and Snooki. She would have been better off not doing a new reality show at all then doing one that proves no one cares."

A rep for Oxygen said that there were zero technical mistakes and the show premiered at 10pm on June 1st like it was supposed to.

If Oxygen marketed T.W.A.T. Pee for what it really is, Wonky's quick demise from the face of relevancy, maybe more hos would've watched it to see that trick go down in real time. But really, I'll tell Wonky the same thing Cristal Conners said to Nomi in Showgirls: "There's always someone younger and hungrier coming down the stairs after you." Or in Wonky's case, there's always someone messier and whorier stumbling down the stairs after you (see: Snooki).

Parasite Hilton infected The View earlier this week to whore out her new reality shit show which she says is completely original (false), totally unscripted (false) and shows the real her (true). Wonks says she's this serious business woman and philanthropist now, but the show portrays her for what she really is: a vapid douchehole who makes a dried piece of shit on the sidewalk seem useful. And Barbara Walters sharpened her lisp and went after Wonky about this.

Whoopi and Barbara tag teamed Wonky in a way she's not used to by asking her why she continues to act like a dim cunt when she talks about how she wants to be known for her charity work. Their example was a part in her show The World According To Paris (aka TWAT Pee) when she bitches to her assistant about doing community service and then throws out a sarcastic "awesome' when she finds out she'll be working with prisoners. Stupid ass Wonks stuttered with her eyes and then told Barbara that she's just joking around and playing up for the cameras. This is after she said that her show (which tanked, by the way) is completely real.

Page Six says that after Barbara reamed a new hole into Wonky (she wishes), she and Rick Hilton threw a tantrum in front of the producers about how she was treated. They didn't like the tone of the interview. A producer for The View confirms that Wonky was mad, but didn't get into details.

The truth is, Wonky should be licking on Barbara's ass for putting her on The View in the first place. The fact that she complained about this goes to show you how much of an unaware piece of spoiled shit she is. Kim Kardashian has taken Wonky's corner, so that fuck-nosed, one-eyed skank slut should be flat on her back in a whorehouse in Calcutta, fucking the locals for fish heads and rice (copyright: Angel III). That's the truth!

Fairly Legal's Sarah Shahi Tweeted her way into the charred layers of my heart over the weekend when she wrote a series poetic Tweets directed at that septic tank skank Parasite Hilton. Sarah launched into a beautiful rage-filled aria after she says Wonky nearly crashed into her before running a stop sign. I want someone to use Sarah's Tweets as the lyrics of a song that Celine Dion (or a French Canadian Celine Dion impersonator) will sing at my funeral. But wait. Wonky told Mario Lopez on Extra that just because it looks like trash and drives like a dick doesn't mean it's her!

"I have no idea! I was so shocked when I read that too. I've never met this person in my life. I wasn't even driving that day. I had just came back from Vegas with my boyfriend and we were at home relaxing. I hadn't even been in a car that day. I literally came with a driver from the airport [and] went to my house. Then later on, I read that. Dude, I wasn't even driving. Maybe it was some other blonde girl who looks like me. There is a lot of look-alikes, Paris look-alikes for a living that live in Los Angeles. They are always doing things and I'm getting blamed for it. So this could be another incident like that."

First of all, the ho is lying. Never trust a bitch who is always winking. Second of all, please tell me she's also lying about there still being Paris look-alikes roaming the streets of L.A. in 2011! You would think that by now every Wonky wannabe would've welded an alien mask to her face, covered her skin with bronze lacquer and stuffed each ass cheek with a yoga ball so that she can whore through the streets as a Kim Kardashian look-alike instead. Famewhore-alikes must stay current!

P.S. - Wonky's boyfriend Cy Waits was attacked outside of the court house today. That Sarah Shahi just won't quit! My hero.

It really doesn't matter that a cloud with ¿Que? Cat in it is forming above your head after reading the name "Sarah Shahi" (SPOILER ALERT: She was Carmen on The L Word and is now on USA's Fairly Legal), because everything you need to know about her is in this post.

You've already learned what the underside of her mouth tongue looks like, and now you're about to learn that the rage you felt against Parasite Hilton back when she was semi-relevant has successfully been transferred to Sarah's finger tips. Somebody has to keep the Wonky hate going and Sarah is definitely the one for that job. Our new anti-Wonky heroine Tweeted this the other day after Parasite nearly transformed Sarah's car into the same state as her own vagina: busted and beyond repair.

Paris Hilton- worst driver ever. Almost hit me, then ran a stop sign.what if there was a kid around that corner, you dumb bitch

Paris Hilton- horrible excuse for a human being

What an irresponsible person... What a lame existence...

I wouldn't be as pissed if I wasn't a mom

"One more thing blonde piece of shit- you're not an elitist just because you have money. You should apologize... To humanity." nowi'mdone.

Yeah, what she said!

via E! Online

Dressed like the late-in-life French lesbian owner of an ostrich farm in New Mexico, Johnny Depp strolled onto the stage at Nickelodeon's Kids Choice Awards in L.A. yesterday and hosed everyone down with slime. I see what you did there, Nickelodeon, and Child Protective Services along with agents from The Chris Hansen Department of NOT RIGHT SHIT will be knocking on your door.

While most hos were on the receiving end of a Shrek green shower, Johnny doesn't play that mess. It took Johnny way too long to successfully snatch those clothes from Diane Keaton's closet, so he's not going to let Slimer's menstrual fluid mess 'em up. And I really feel sorry for the sick ho who Googles "slime me, Johnny Depp, slime me" and end up on this post. This is not what you signed up for when you clicked.

If you need to know the winners of this popped glow stick passed off as an awards show, you need to look elsewhere! We're all adults here (not really) and we don't look at the winners of some children's awards show! Adults don't do that! We only make inappropriate jokes about the pictures! And let's continue the theme.

Here's a few of those who showed up to that mess yesterday: Johnny Depp (and I know you're going to use the color picker Photoshop tool on that green slime), Josh Bieber, Fergie in a Lego dress, Heidi Klum with Nick Cannon, Russell Brand with Manny from Modern Family, Snoop Dogg, Selena Gomez, Wonky McValtrex (whose military trained gyno knows all about green slime), some tramps off the street, Taylor Momsen, Nick Simmons, Sophie Simmons, Willow Smith, Steven Tyler with Erin Brady and Sofia Vergara.