Madonna

Guy Ritchie is sleeping with one eye open because he thinks Vadge has sent her "goons" to spy on him after their official break-up. How very "Dick Tracy" of her.

Guy has his man panties in a bunch after certain details of a private divorce "war summit" were leaked to Vadge. I'm sorry for putting the words "leak" and "Vadge" in the same sentence. The visuals alone...

The Sun reports that Guy accused Vadge of acting like the KGB and screamed at her, “This is a divorce, not the Cold War.” After that, Vadge the Hulk slapped him with one of her buff labia lips and Guy went out cold. That will teach him to scream at her.

A friend said, “Any hopes Guy had of their divorce being private and dignified are out the window. The allegations he was a cruel and neglectful husband have torn him apart so much that he invited his father and sister to the house on the weekend for dinner. They discussed the divorce and how Guy could stand his ground against Madonna and her PR machine."

Guy somehow found out that Vadge and her goons knew about the dinner and had been keeping track of him for a few days. “When Guy found out he lost the plot. He said, ‘How can you set fire to our whole world? Why go to such lengths to destroy me?’ But Guy knows it would be unusual if Madonna wasn’t monitoring his every move. She’s a control freak and there’s so much at stake.”

If he thinks Vadge sending her goons to spy on him is bad, wait until he shits out the tracking device she secretly shoved up his ass while fucking him with her roided-up mega clitty.

Vadge is still technically married to Guy Ritchie, but that hasn't stopped her from making plans to procreate with A-Rod. A source tells the Daily Mail that she wants to put her 50-year-old roided-up vagina to work to try and produce a baby with 33-year-old A-Rod. The source said, "She thinks he's physically a great specimen. And if she is going to have another child, he would be the ideal man to bring one to her."

The two plan to go public with their relationship within the next two months. A-Rod is looking to buy an apartment nears Vadge's Manhattan dungeon. It seems that A-Rod has already handed over what's left of his shriveled nutsack to her, because he's also promised her that he will write a sports-themed Kabbalah book for young boys. AND he plans to go on a spiritual trip with her to Malawi.

Vadge wants to make sure that A-Rod is the perfect slave for her, so she's conducted a variety of tests on him. She makes sure that he calls when he says he will. She tested him on his knowledge of Kabbalahbalalah. She made sure he shares the same views on money as her. Just to make sure he's paying attention to her at all times, she quizzed him on what outfits she wore on their first three meetings together. I'm sure the final test involves a wrestling match between her rock hard clit and his peen. If his peen loses, then they can be together.

I'm surprised Vadge hasn't tried to have a baby with herself. She is superhuman, so I'm sure her clit has a peen hole that shoots out the strongest sperm in all the land.

If she does have a baby with A-Rod, this is what he will look like:

David Banda's bio-daddy thinks that his son is living a life without love and tells The Sun that maybe he should be back with him in Africa instead of living in Vadge's House of Pain.

David might not be living in a house filled with hugs and kisses, but he can eat all the soybeans he wants. Oh and there's plenty of Kabbalah water too!

Yohane Banda said he's disappointed that Vadge's marriage tanked and doesn't think his son is happy. Yohane got on his soap box and said, "I am still a poor farmer with nothing to offer, but maybe he would be better off back with us. This woman Madonna told me herself that David was beautiful and made her happy and she promised to take good care of him."

Yohane lives with his wife, her 3-year-old daughter and their 7-month-old son. The Sun showed him a paparazzi picture of David and Vadge and Yohane responded, "He doesn't look happy in this picture. He looks bewildered. If there is no love in the family, is there any love for him? This is a new and terrible thing to happen to him. I am too upset to think clearly. He is only three years old and he has been through so much."

Translation: I am too upset to think about this.....but if she accidentally sent me a bag of money, I might feel a little less weepy.

He also claims Vadge promised to keep him updated about his son's well-being and all that, but she hasn't. Yohane said, "I thought she would take him away from the danger of malaria and other diseases that kill children here, and that she would let me know that he was happy. I have never heard from her since the day I agreed to let her adopt David. She has sent no photographs or news. I suppose she just wants him for herself."

What the fuck did he expect? She's Vadge! Not fucking Sally Struthers. I don't know what to tell Yohane. He should know to never trust a muscle lady with a bad British accent!

And since we're on the subject of muscle lady Vadge, the Mail on Sunday published some never-before-seen pictures of Vadge and Guy's white (HA!) wedding. I'm surprised the crown isn't bigger and Guy isn't in handcuffs. I love the picture of him kissing her with his eyes open. He's thinking, "What the fuck did I just do? And why do I no longer have any sensation in my nutsack area?"

"HOW SICK" is right.

Every hour there's a new story about Guy and Vadge's dirty divorce. You know Vadge is busting loads of panty pudding over all the publicity. She probably lays all the newspaper clippings out on the bed and rubs her roid-cooze all over them. Attention should be that bitch's third husband. That marriage would last forever.

There's a lot of stories and rumors out there, so I'm just going to break it down for you in list form. Lists make everything seem so dramatic. So do exclamation points, so I'll throw lots of those in.

V cares more about her personal trainer than her own husband!!

V slathers her body in fancy creams and then covers herself in a plastic bodysuit every night!!

V completely controls the house including what they eat. Only macrobiotic shit! G had to drink his evening tea with rice milk! V doesn't allow dairy or sugar in her house!

V doesn't allow TV!!!!!!

When they went out to dinner at restaurants, V didn't trust the chefs, so she usually just drank a glass of water!

V works on her fitness at least 2 hours a day including holidays!

V turned to full-on plastic surgery in order to look younger for G.

G is constantly cruel to V! He told her that she looks like a granny!

G has made V feel worthless, unattractive, unfeminine, insecure and isolated!!!

G told V that she sucks as an actress!

G would check out other hos in front of V. G would also make fun of her in front of their friends!

G wants Rocco to live with him in London! V wants all her children in NYC with her!!!!

G will get at least $40 million in the divorce as well as their London pub and the country estate!

Cue dramatic chipmunk! In addition to all these not-so-shocking claims, Guy's old daddy is speaking out about Vadge calling his son "emotionally retarded" at a concert in Boston. 78-year-old John Ritchie tells The Daily Mail, 'She is being beastly. She's calling him an emotional retard. When he's being bashed by her it's horrid."

Pepaw Ritchie better watch it. That beast can tear him into a million pieces with just one swipe from her titanium labia lips of death!

Click here, here and here if you want to read more about this shit. I'm sure 50 new rumors will pop up as soon as I hit publish.

It was the horsey's fault!!! The collapse of Vadge's marriage has been blamed on one of Heidi Montag's relatives. Sort of. A friend of Vadge's tells The Sun that her marriage started to turn into diarrhea after she fell off of a horse in 2005. Vadge broke bones and shit, but Guy didn't seem to care.

Vadge was put in the hospital and said it was one of the most painful experiences of her life. Even more painful than "Shanghai Surprise"? Damn. The experience was extra shitty because her husband didn't show her any kind of compassion.

Vadge's friend said, “Madonna was in a huge amount of pain and expected Guy to drop everything to be at her bedside. In her mind that is what every husband should do to support his wife when she has been through a traumatic, possibly life-threatening, experience. But Guy approached the whole thing in what she now calls, ‘A very British way’. Instead of smothering her with sympathy he said, ‘Come on darling, you’re a tough bird. You’ll be back on the horse in no time’. Guy’s approach was that a few broken bones is no big deal – and that there was no point in making a drama out of a crisis. But in Madonna’s mind, she could have been killed, and she wanted the full works and to be lavished with love and attention."

Vadge told friends that Guy must not be her soulmate. She also vowed to never date British dudes again because they are "emotionally-stunted." This coming from a bitch who probably can't even produce tears.

This whole story sounds a little weird to me. I would think Vadge would be the complete opposite. I see her as the type who wants to be left alone when they're sick. I'm like that when I'm ill. When people try and take care of me, I snot on their hands or tell them to go play on the freeway. I want to wallow in my own grossness by myself.

Guy probably didn't give a horse's taint, because he planned that shit himself! He gave that horse an extra carrot to throw her off. Well, the joke was on Guy. Vadge can never be thrown off her high horse. Never.

No, let's not handle it like adults. Let's get dirty. Fucking filthy. I'll pop the popcorn.

Methinks Vadge agrees with me. Before performing her song "Miles Away" in Boston last night, she told the audience, "This song is for the emotionally retarded. Maybe you know some people who fall into that category. I know I do." I know you are, Vadge! But what am I? Only the spirit of Pee Wee Herman laughed at that one.

Vadge previously said the song was inspired by Guy Ritchie. Everyone's probably turning nothing into something. We know how self-centered this bitch is. She was probably dedicating it to herself. Click here to see some grainy video of her saying that shit last night. Turn down your speakers. It's loud as fuck.

Guy might be getting the last cackle, because apparently the two didn't sign a pre-nup. I would think Vadge got the pre-nup tattooed to her rock hard pussy lips.

Guy stands to take home $200 million when everything is said and done. Hey, that's a small price to pay for taking someone's nuts.

The NYDN claims Guy wants a huge chunk of their $521 million fortune, but The Sun claims Guy is worth $60 million himself and doesn't want a penny from Vadge.

There's also a couple of reports that Vadge has hired Paul McCartney's lawyer Fiona Shackleton to represent her in the divorce.

Guy, wrestle away your nuts from Vadge's roided-up vagina and get that money! It's fucking pay day and you better collect. Oh and don't forget to pour a glass of water on Fiona's head during court. You must keep the "Heather Mills tradition" going.

Now that Vadge's marriage is officially in the coffin, she's free to skip fist-in-fist with A-Rod. Some ho close to A-Rod tells UsWeekly that the two bodybuilders are totally doing it and have been for a while. Vadge denied the rumors of them being together this past summer.

The source said that Vadge and Guy haven't been "together" for about a year. I think that just means they haven't busted nuts on each other or something. The source went on to say, "Guy is not involved in this equation. With or without A-Rod, Madonna and Guy haven't been 'together' for over a year - they have been privately separated. Madonna, however, wanted to finish her world tour before divorcing. A-Rod and Madonna are more involved than ever. Alex has really missed spending time with Madonna. However, he understands the position Madonna's in."

They are planning to keep it secret until her tour ends. That's smart. Just when everyone stops talking about her buff ass, she'll have another not-so-surprising bomb to drop.

I was hoping that Vadge's whatever-affair with A-Rod was nothing more than a fuck-and-run fling. I say she should just suck on his dumbbell and ride his Soloflex, but keep it at that. She doesn't need another relationship. She needs to revisit her mega whore days. Vadge, unclench that rock hard vagina and have some fucking fun. Yeah, that's not going to happen.

Well, what the fuck do you know? The Sun was right. Vadge's spokeswhore just confirmed that her marriage is done. Finished. Kaput. Over. Through. You get it.

Guy Ritchie finally pulled his peen out of her super grip and now he's single. This also means that Vadge the Cougar has been released from her cage. Mothers, hold on to your 20-something sons, Vadge is coming for them!

Vadge's rep Liz Rosenberg said they are divorcing after nearly 8 years of marriage. She went on to say that the two want privacy (HA!) and a settlement has not been reached. They will probably settle it in a wrestling cage match. Vadge is giving Guy some time to train, because she knows very well that her muscled-up vagina lips alone could beat him.

Now that Vadge will no longer be married to an Englishman, can she please drop the fucking British accent?! Please! Guy needs to ask for the accent in the settlement along with hundreds of millions of dollars for putting up with that shit.

Source

It's time for another Vadge and Guy Ritchie are divorcing rumor! This time it's for real......possibly.......maybe.....well....according to The Sun. They have swore on a stack of hotel bibles that Vadge's spokeswhore already has the divorce statement in their hands, ready to be released. I hope it's nice and simple. Something like, "WE QUIT THIS BITCH!"

A source said that they are finally going public with their split because basically they can't fucking stand each other anymore. They fight about everything from adopting another baby to moving to New York to her dick being bigger than his.

Vadge, who is currently on her "Dry & Sour" tour, originally wanted to wait until next year when her tour ends. Her divorce to Guy has now been fast tracked to be finalized by Christmas. Merry Christmas! It also would have been their 8th wedding anniversary. Happy Anniversary!

The loud mouth bitch who spilled the beans said that Guy stopped filming on "Sherlock Holmes" to fly to his parent's house and tell them about the divorce in person. This week he plans to move all his of his stupid shit out of Vadge's London dungeon and move into the house he owns in Wiltshire.

This past summer, Vadge and Guy denied the rumors that their marriage was crumbling into the toilet like a dehydrated butt nugget. Vadge also denied she was bumping roided-up buttholes with A-Rod.

Again, we've heard this shit all before, so take this with a grain of ass dust. It wouldn't be shocking if it turned out to be true. It sounds like they lost that lovin' feeling a long ass time ago. It was probably around the same time that Vadge's buff bagina swallowed Guy's nutsack whole. Guy keeps stroking that area, hoping they will grow back. Sorry, Guy, they're never coming back. They're gone, just like your marriage.

Visit The Sun to read all the details if you give an eff.

Vadge wore these "try too hardy" heels to the NYC premiere of her movie "Filth and Wisdom" last night. If you love them so much, you can make your own with an old pair of Tony Bianco heels and toy guns from the clearance section at KB Toys. You know that's what Basement Baby is doing right now.

Vadge's Chanel shoes are fucking stupid, but her hair is worse. She should have taken a silver bullet from her roided-up vag, loaded up one of her pistol heels and shot that hair right off of her head.

And bitch probably spent way too long dry queefing over her "look at me" heels, when she really should have handled that stache situation. For real. I mean, her make-up artist probably spent hours spraying her down with high-gloss enamel and he didn't notice the damn hairs on her upper lip and chinny chin chin? It only takes a quick swipe with a Bic. Don't tell me, "Maybe she doesn't give a fuck!" If she cares enough about her mug to get a pair of cutlets installed, then she should care about the crumb catcher on her upper lip.