Madonna

The newest Mr. Vadge was at the opening of the Fontainebeau Grand in Miami last night with Fishsticks Paltrow, who was probably dispatched there by Vadge herself to keep tabs on her shit. Fishy is giving him a look letting him know that she's got her fish eyes on him. Or maybe she's just making that look because she's fucking starving after not eating for 12-hours straight! Or maybe she's concentrating on using her yoga-produced muscles to keep that tampon dress up. Concentrate harder, Fishy! No one wants to see your gills!

You know, I wish Vadge would quit with this A-Rod shit. Why can't she just go out and do a bunch of slut bag shit? Fuck being with just one dude! Her roided-up vagina needs to be loosened up. Doesn't she get tired of listening to the annoying sound of her vagina gritting its teeth? It's so fucking wound up and needs a good long month of just slutting around. Oh well.

While Fishy watched A-Rod in Miami, Vadge and Lourdes were out in Los Angeles last night. Not only does she needs to drop A-Rod, but she needs to drop that old bag too! The old bag she's carrying I mean. Yes, you could sell me a million times over and still not have enough money to buy a bootleg version of that bag on eBay, but it's still fugly!

And in the first thumbnail below, is that orange gum in A-Rod's mouth? He must have not gotten to rule #4,567 in Vadge's employee handbook. It clearly states that all chewing gum must be made from organic herbs and sticky smegma from her cooch.

Vadge has reportedly been telling her friends that A-Rod "has the heart of a poet trapped inside an insanely gorgeous body."

Aw. That's sweet. And A-Rod has been telling his friends that Vadge has the vagina of a T-Rex on He-Man's body.

Source

Guy Ritchie was reunited with Rocco and David in London yesterday after not seeing them for a few weeks. They've been prisoners of the gristle monster. Vadge wasn't going to let control go that easily. The Daily Mail claims that she sent a list of rules with her boys that Guy must follow. If he doesn't, she will never eject his shriveled nuts from her roided-up vagina prison.

Here's THE LIST:

Under no circumstances should they be allowed to read newspapers, magazines, or watch TV or DVDs.

They must adhere at all times to a macrobiotic, vegetarian, organic diet with no processed or refined food.

All water they drink, even when it is to dilute organic juice, should be Kabbalah water.

They should wear the clothes Madonna has sent with them on the flight. If they need to be bought anything, they should not contain any man-made fibers.

Their hands should be regularly cleaned with disinfectant spray if they are in public places.

They should not be bought toys that are spiritually or ethically unsound.

Guy should not discuss the separation with them.

Madonna should have phone contact with the boys as much as three or four times a day at times set by her.

The boys should not be introduced to Guy's new friends, especially any new female friends.

Madonna has encouraged the access to give time with the boys, rather than his parents spending large amounts of time with them.

The boys should not be photographed while with Guy. It is his responsibility to organize security so that does not happen.

At bedtime, Guy should read David the English Rose books Madonna wrote.

Oops. Guess who was photographed with David and Rocco yesterday at the airport? Guy broke a rule! No gold star for him!

Hopefully, he'll continue to break rule after rule. He should make sure he's papped going into a porn theater, with the boys wearing polyester, eating cookies and candy, with a G.I. Joe toy in one hand and in the other hand a copy of OK! magazine with the tagline "Madge & Guy: It's Over!"

Our Lady of Cheetos came through for Vadge last night by "performing" a little bit of "Human Nature" with her.

They laundered Brit Brit's weave! And it also looks like they ran her through the car wash a few times. She looks so shiny! Shiny in the eyes too, but that's just the meds sparkling. And Vadge is quickly transforming into an Asian crypt keeper who has ventured out to steal the souls of our children and eat their fingernails. I hope Brit Brit doubled up on her dolls in order to deal with being that close to Vadge, her roided-up crotch and her soul-sucking face. When Vadge put her hand around Brit, I expected our Cheetoling to cry out in pain, because Vadge doesn't know her own strength!

Below is a little video, but there's not much to see. Click here to see another one if you give an eff.

Brit comes out, does a few sexy "Sarah Palin" moves in Hammer pants, warbles out a few bars and then disappears in a cloud of Cheeto dust. It kind of looks like a little girl and her memaw bonding during karaoke hour at Shady Pines. Later on, the mega douche known as Justin Timberlake humped on Vadge during "4 Minutes." It looks like they're trying to do ass-to-ass.

If you're going to Vadge's "Dry & Sour" show in Los Angeles tomorrow night, make sure you bring some kind of video recording device with you. If they're checking for that shit at the door, smuggle it in your asshole. I know you have room.

You see, Ryan Gaycrest called into KIIS-FM and said he has it on good authority that Brit Brit and Justin Timberlake will reunite on stage at Vadge's show Thursday night. It's a piping hot bowl of Cheeto, roid, douche and ego stew!

The three of them are supposed to do some kind of performance. I'm picturing a lot of crotch bumping and chest thumping. It's going to look like two pit bulls stuck together (Vadge & Justin) while a clueless little possum just stands and there shrugs. And please tell me they are going to lip-synch. Those three singing live together will create the biggest ear massacre in history.

Maniacal Vadgeholics will stop at nothing to defend their gristle goddess. The other day, Guy Ritchie was getting drunk at his pub when some insane Vadge fan cursed at him and spilled his booze on the innocent. Well, that dude is completely sane in the brains compared to this 16-year-old crazed Vadgeholic who broke onto the "Sherlock Holmes" set and threatened to cut up Guy!

The Mirror reports that a teenager dressed in all black got onto the set and ran towards Guy with a knife while shouting, “I’m Madonna’s biggest fan! I’m gonna kill Guy!"

A source said, “The bloke was screaming about Guy and shouting, ‘I love Madonna’. It was terrifying. At first it seemed like a sick joke but it was soon obvious the knifeman was not messing around. Luckily there were four security guards and two policemen who were able to overpower him.”

I'll bet it was scary. Hearing anybody proclaim that they "love Madonna" is pretty fucking terrifying.

And you thought video games were making our kids violent today. Vadge is the problem and I completely understand why. Spending hours upon hours staring at her hulk crotch can't be good for your mental health.

In some ways, though, Guy brought this upon himself. I mean, he did put her in "Swept Away." This is his punishment.

Guy Ritchie was out boozing, celebrating the fact that he's almost free from the clutches of Vadge's buff cooze, when one of his estranged wife's fans tried to ruin his buzz. Purposely fucking with someone's drinking time should really be illegal.

According to The Sun, a dude showed up to Guy's pub and started yelling at his ass in front of everyone. Some witness said, "Guy was in the pub in good spirits and was laughing and joking over a pint.This bloke seemed to be on the lookout for trouble. He got a drink and started shouting about being a Madonna fan and ranting about the divorce. It was like he just wanted to draw attention to himself."

The Vadgeholic also wasted precious nectar from the gods by pouring his drink all over some of the other boozers. The roided-up vagina lover also started screaming about how he had connections to the CIA. The cops finally arrived to end the madness and they took the maniac away. Hopefully, to the nearest crazy brains house.

Recently, I've also felt the wrath of the Vadgeholics. They really love to write in all CAPS, which is completely unacceptable. Only Kanye and Raven are allowed express their rage in CAPS-filled angry letters. And just like the Brangaloonies, the Vadgeholics think that using two Os in the word "loser" makes the insult more effective. Double the loser! LOOSER!

Vadge and A-Rod are continuing to bump dicks on the down low and are using friend's houses to do so. According to Page Six, last week Vadge and A-Rod tried to be all slick by traveling on two different helicopters to the Hamptons. One was probably for them and the other was for her ego.

Some source said that Vadge and A-Rod landed separately at different times. They were each picked up by one of the Seinfelds. Jessica picked up A-Rod and Jerry picked up Vadge. They all met up at Jerry's estate where they tag teamed Jessica. No, they are saving that for the next time.

A friend of Vadge's said she's been chummy with the Seinfelds for a while since they both live in the same neighborhood in Manhattan.

They only stayed four hours and left the same way they came.

Damn. That's a lot of work for a roidy call. A-Rod and Vadge probably barely spent any grossy grossy time together. For the first 2 hours, Vadge held a meeting with the Seinfelds and the staff to tell them the rules of her visit and what words they can use when speaking to her and how she takes her grains.

Then she went up to a bedroom with A-Rod and they arm wrestled for 90-minutes. They were supposed to go 2 hours, but Vadge went flaccid because she kept beating A-Rod.

A lot of work, for not a lot of action.

Next time they should just meet up at a motel that rents by the hour like normal people do. It's cheap, easy and there's usually enough used lube on the sheets, so you don't have to worry about bringing your own.

Vadge is the most controlling controller whoever controlled, so it shouldn't come to a complete shock that she made Guy Ritchie agree to a marriage contract. The contract was filled with insane rules like how often they should fuck and what words they should using during arguments. I'm guessing "fuck you cunt" wasn't one of the allowed phrases?

According to The Sun, the document was posted around the house and whenever he was a bad slave and broke the rules, she would say, "Contract, Guy, contract." I bet he had to sign it with the blood from his ripped out nutsack.

Here's just some of the rules on Vadge's "I OWN YOU" contract:

Guy must work to enrich his wife’s emotional and spiritual wellbeing.

Guy must devote several hours a week to reading Kabbalah texts with Madge.

Guy must only use certain words during arguments to resolve conflicts in a constructive way.

Guy must never shout and instead say, “I understand that my actions have upset you, please work with me to resolve this."

Guy must devote time to sex sessions and not use sex as a stick to beat one another.

They couldn't beat each other with their sex sticks?! No wonder Vadge always looks like she has blue balls. All she needed to do was to beat Guy with her "sex stick." And trust me, she has one of those. It's just usually stuck up her ass.

I totally believe Vadge has contracts and rules for everything. The hulk-lady is crazy. She probably even schedules her bowel movements down to the second. If one of her butt nuggets is even a millisecond late, she yells at her asshole and writes up her intestines.

Vadge isn't the only bitch getting her no-nut area licked by a hot piece. UsWeekly (via P6) claims Guy Ritchie is making sweet sexy times to actress-type Kelly Reilly. It must be a nice change for Guy to touch a chocha without it biting his hand. It also must be pleasant to be hugged by someone without worrying about the circulation to your brain getting cut off.

Guy is currently directing Kelly in that Sherlock Holmes movie with Robert Downey Jr. Kelly is a nice change for Guy. She doesn't really look like gristle, which is a good thing. She looks more like a crispy piece of delicious chicken skin.

Speaking of gristle, The Sun claims this December will be extra-roidy for Vadge. A source said,"She and Alex are definitely aiming to get together before Christmas."

How sweet. Vadge will have a shiny new pair of nuts to hang from her Christmas tree. Wait. Do Kabbalah people have Christmas trees? Okay, from her Menorah. Wait. Do they have those? Okay, from her rearview window. Wait. Does she drive her own car? FUCK! You know what I mean!