Madonna

What do you get for being married to a chewed-up piece of gristle for 8 years: $76 million!!!

Vadge's spokeswhore, Liz Rosenburg, told AP that Vadge will pay Guy Ritchie anywhere from $76 to $92 million as part of their divorce settlement.

Liz said the $76 million figure also includes the value of their English country estate and the price of his nustack. He probably got an extra $10 mill for all the therapy he'll need after seeing her roided-up snatch close up.

Liz went on to say, "I'd assume it's one of the largest payouts ever in a divorce settlement."

Vadge and Guy are still working out custody arrangements for Rocco and David.

Christmas has come early for Guy, but knowing Vadge, there's probably a catch. Vadge is going to make Guy wrestle away the money from her muscly crocodile snatch. I'm sorry, but Guy is no match for her deadly crotchodile. It will swallow him whole.

I raise my mug of Sanka this morning to the rain gods, because without them, Vadge would've never fallen on her Hulk ass last night in Rio. Guy Ritchie totally paid someone off to make that happen. When bitches fall, I immediately laugh and point. I can't help it. When Vadge falls, I immediately screams "hallelujah" and air hi-five whoever made this hotness happen. It's the little things in life.

Skip to about the 0:35 mark in the video below to see Vadge's nut-cracking ass hit the floor. I'm surprised the stage didn't fucking collapse into a million pieces after her kryptonite butt cheeks pummeled it. If her memaw ass took off those heartard sunglasses, she might fucking be able to see the damn water on the stage. Make it rain again!

Source: Made In Brazil

Many gossip whores are convinced that Vadge and A-Rod are licking each other's taints and dick slapping one another, but they've never confirmed. There's been rumors that they are buying a house together and planning all sorts of gross things. Well, A-Rod says people are lie-telling. He has denied away that he's sucking on Vadge's clit-cock.

When People asked him about the relationship, he said, "We're friends – that's it. I can tell you this. I have never been on a plane with her."

Riddle me this. Aren't these pictures of A-Rod and Vadge getting off of a plane together? My one working brain cell is starting to rot away, so I may have forgotten what an airplane looks like, but I'm 95% sure that's a plane.

Vadge's "just friend" went on to say, "I've been to two [of her] concerts, yet I've read that I went to 20. I've also read that we were buying an apartment together. That is absolutely ridiculous and not true. You have to have a sense of humor when it comes to this stuff. If I answered every rumor we'd be here for three weeks."

That silly A-Rod. He could've used a better description than "friend." Vadge doesn't have friends! She has slaves, pawns and toys! That said, if I was him, I'd deny it too. I'd tattoo "No Vadge Lover" on my forehead.

It must have taken dozens of airbrush artists hundreds of hours to make Vadge's skin look like a freshly peeled and scrubbed piece of Jicama. Vadge stood over them with a whip and shouted, "We're not done until my skin looks like the inner thigh of a newborn baby! No, the inner thigh of a fetus!" The Photoshoppers probably finally gave up and just copy and pasted a photo of Vadge's face from the 80s.

The photo shoot itself was also pretty dangerous. When Vadge opened her legs, 4 or 5 crew members were sucked into her crotch. You can faintly hear their screams when she walks.

And let's be real for a second. If Louis Vuitton wanted someone flexible, they should've called up the Sheena from America's Next Top Model. That bitch really knows how to sell a bag with her legs in the air. Real talk.

P.S. - I'm so proud of myself for not making an "old bag" or "leathery vagina" joke!

Guy Ritchie may have broken free from the grasp of the evil harpy known as Vadge, but he has only fallen from the frying pan into the fire, as the full fury of her witch craft curse has decimated the set and actors of his new movie, Sherlock Holmes.

The crew (probably Jamaican witch doctors) claim the movie is cursed. It doesn't take chicken bones and pigs blood to see that Vadge and her crotch of destruction are working their dark magic powers here.

Not only did his bad luck charm make his past movies bomb and his life a living hell, she's bringing her evil sorcery in the form of pain and suffering to anybody associated with Guy's movies.

First off, Robert Downey Jr was knocked the fuck out by Vadge's glamoured minion, a 7ft wrestler, co-star Robert Maillet during a fight scene. A bean spilling cunt from the set said: “Robert was accidentally caught on the chin by a thundering hook. He went flying and was out cold." He had to get a Sponge Bob band aid and six stitches put on the inside of his mouth.

Then Vadge threw a bolt of fire from the Heavens and tried to blow up Guy Ritchie's dumb ass, but luckily Jude Law standing too close to him and his mole took most of the blow. It bounced off his enormous skin tag and struck a petrol tanker, thus making it explode in a fireball, causing them to flee the set and closing down production for two hours.

Guy might have thought he was out of danger now that he's gotten his nuts back, but this isn't so. Vadge's roided-up punane is like The Ring. Once you stare into her black hole, you are cursed forever.

Source

Our little Cheetoling performed at the Bambi Awards in Germany yesterday wearing some shit she snatched from Vadge's dirty laundry (smells like nutsack blood). You know, I'm just not sure if Brit Brit's beef jerky area has what it takes to pull this shit off. It's no match for Vadge's roided-up crotch of destruction. Look at Vadge's nut breaker area, it's flexing like it's in the Mr. Universe competition. I'm gonna have to give this one to Vadge. Mostly, because if I don't, her iron vag will crush me into a million pieces.

Below is Brit Brit's performance of "Woomanizah" and she didn't fuck up! I mean, she memorized all the dance steps and I think she even mouthed every single word correctly! I'm so proud of her. And if you notice, she really tried to make her Lexapro eyes twinkle a little brighter. She did real fine! Daddy Spears better give her an extra bag of Cheetos and throw her a Frapp social as a reward!

I take that back. I want my dog to do much more than just ride a Roomba. I want him to drag his lazy ass to the closet, get the Dirt Devil out, vacuum up all the rooms, clean the crap out of the remote controls and then rub the skidmarks out of my chonies. When he's done there, he can scrub the bathroom tile grout, clean the oven, defrost the freezer and then make me a gin martini. Yeah, fucking right. Doing that shit will get in the way of his full-time job as Head Nap Taker.

And this video of a pussy on a Roomba is pretty much what the inside of my head looks like.

Below I've thrown in some pics of Vadge and A-Rod in NYC today, because these two twats seem to go perfectly with Pussy on a Roomba. I don't exactly know why, but they just do.

Guy Ritchie is probably feeling an unfamiliar itching down below this morning, because his nutsack has finally returned to him! Reunited and it feels so saggy!

A court in the UK declared Vadge & Guy's 7-year marriage over in just a matter of minutes. It will take about six weeks of gross paperwork for the divorce to be finalized and official. Both Vadge and Guy decided to skip the court party today. She's on tour in Philadelphia and he's filming in Liverpool.

According to the papers,the two haven't lived together for 6-months. Vadge signed a sworn statement saying that the reason their marriage failed was due to Guy's "unreasonable behaviour." She also said his bad behavior was continuing.

Unreasonable behavior? Eating a delicious cheeseburger is unreasonable behavior to her. Fuck. Disagreeing with her opinion is unreasonable. Shit. Having any kind of fun is unreasonable! She should have just wrote that he didn't follow THE CONTRACT! "Contract, Guy, contract. You didn't follow it."

There were reports that Guy Ritchie told Vadge to keep her sweet money, but The Sun claims that isn't so. According to their asses, Guy will get to keep his pub, the country estate and he will also get a cash payment of £25million (or $50USD after the conversion).

Last night, Guy told reporters, "It was never about money – never about her bloody art collection. I just wanted to settle it and move on. I didn't raise any objections at any stage until she insisted the children lived permanently in New York."

Now that they are pretty much divorced, can Vadge please give back the British accent?

What the fuck is up with all these celebrity skanks and their fugly grass dresses?! Grass should be smoked not worn! I would've smoked it up and followed it with three bag of Funyuns, but I doubt that's what Vadge did.

You know that after Vadge wore this shit at UNICEF's dinner in NYC last night, she probably had one of her slaves mow her ass down, take some grass, boil it and then serve it to her with bird seed and tree roots. That's what cunt-cunt-cunt eats! I had a cunt slip, but quickly realized that's the word I meant to say anyway.

The only bitch that can get away with wearing overgrown AstroTurf is Solange! Actually, she's probably making this shit down in the basement using old scraps of green shag carpeting.

And the black part of Vadge's dress was originally green, but then it touched her crotch and then...well...you know.

Guy Ritchie has opted out of wrestling any money from Vadge's cold, dead vagina. Guy could have filled his pockets with up to half of Vadge's $600 $450 million fortune in their divorce settlement, but he's reportedly done the saintly thing and is voluntarily walking away with nothing. Gold diggers of the world, let's all bawl our eyes out together.

The Daily Mail claims that the divorce settlement has been reached and an announcement will be made any day now. When Vadge throws all her millions on the bed and rolls around in it, not one bill will be missing. She gets to keep all her cash. The only thing Guy asked for is joint-custody of his two boys, Rocco and David. A source said that the two boys will split their time between London and New York. Lourdes will stay in New York with her mommy. I hope Guy also demanded his nuts back. He's going to need those in the future.

A source said, "It will be all over by the end of the month. The priority for him has always been the children. Ritchie has not wanted her money. He has done exactly what Billie Piper did when she divorced Chris Evans. She walked away without any of his money, much to her credit. Guy Ritchie has done the same."

Guy Ritchie obviously has a heart made of gold, rainbows and tears of joy from the Live Feed Puppies, because I would have bled that bitch dry! Even if he didn't want any money for himself, he should have taken as much as he could, cashed it out at the bank and then walked the streets, throwing her precious money in the air like a fucking modern-day Robin Hood!