Olsens

Celebrities have kibble for brains, so they will wear whatever some insane gay stylist tells them to wear. Some of these pictures below are proof of that. You are smarter than this. Just say no!

Naomi Campbell wasn't the only foolio to wear genie/MC Hammer pants to the CFDA Awards last night. Maggie GyllenHAG did too and the results have given me a headache. She looks like Rhoda and Hammer's bastard child.

Hammer pants will never be cute! They should be banished for eternity along with diaper shorts, skorts and dickies! You can add your own suggestions in the comments. I'm still dizzy from Maggie's fugness.

I'm seriously making thumbnail #5 my new wallpaper. Maggie is making sure to keep very still. If she moves just a little, Posh Mantis will sense her fear and attack!

I've also noticed that Posh hardly ever poses without her hands on her hips. If she removes her hands, the top half of her body will collapse!

Below is also some Ashley Olsen. She's smiling! You know it's going to be a good day when you see a troll smile. Or maybe it's going to be a bad day, because she secretly knows the evil that's coming our way.

A spokesbitch for the Olsen trolls has denied the rumor that an evil barista at Starbucks has secretly been trying to fatten them up. The rumor is that a former barista at a Starbucks in NYC's West Village regularly put whole milk into the twins' Grande nonfat lattes instead of skim milk.

A source told OK! (via The Scoop), “The barista thought the Olsens were too thin, so whenever they ordered their usual drink, he would replace the skim milk with full-fat."

This explains everything. No wonder the Olsen trolls look obese.

I bet evil barista also used to work at Starbucks in L.A. I'm sure he regularly replaced the whole milk in Brit Brit's frapps with whole meth. Makes sense.

Ok, you can laugh a little bit. This hot troll intentionally wanted to look like she was sweatin' to the oldies. Seriously, this is Richard Simmons' Sunday lounge outfit. He wears this while laying on his lanai with his "companion" and their 5 Pomeranians.

Mary-Kate Olsen has found another way to completely erase any ounce of sex appeal she had left in her. She has also shown you what to wear to a bar if you don't want greasy dudes hitting on your ass. They will laugh at you instead, but at least your genitals will be protected.

Here's MK at a children's charity event in NYC last night. I bet you the children cried like they've never cried before.

There's nothing creepier than a masked troll! The Olsens are going to come out of your walls tonight to steal your breath. If this happens, ask them what 2+2 is! Trolls are dumb fucks and easily tricked!

Ashley and Mary-Kate joined a group of masked ladies as they made their way through the streets of Los Angeles collecting the souls of children. No, they were part of some wedding party and apparently didn't want to be photographed, so they wore masks. This is the same wedding She-Hulk and Justin went to.

It might not be such a bad thing if this mask trend sweeps Hollywood. At least we won't have to see their fugly faces and hear their annoying voices anymore. Wait....then what will I make fun of? Scratch that.

Here's a video and some more pics of these creepy trolls! I also included a masked picture of Tom Cruise in Vanilla Sky. It's totally where they got their inspiration from.

Mary-Kate Olsen better have gotten that shit for free, because she's a dumb troll if she paid even $5 for that mess. I've seen that same shit at the Salvation Army in the "vintage prison jumpsuit" section. They probably have that exact same one. There has to have been one prison in 1970s that made their inmates wear black, shorty, satin jumpsuits. Somewhere in San Francisco I'm sure.

Here's MK trolling the night at the after-party for the premiere of "21."

Hugh Hefner needs to retire already if this little rumor is true. Hef reportedly wants Mary-Kate Olsen and Ashley Olsen to show off their no-tits and no-ass in Playboy. He asked them 3 years ago, but they turned it down. He has once again invited them to pose for the magazine just in time for their 22nd Birthday.

A source said, “Hugh thinks the twins are every young man’s fantasy. But it might not be that easy getting them agree to pose for Playboy. They’re all about high-end fashion these days. They want to do Vogue.”

If the Olsen twins are your fantasy, you need to have a little conversation with Chris Hansen and Dateline. I know they are of legal age, but you know they have the bodies of 8-year-old boys. 8-year-old troll boys! At least Playboy would save money in waxing costs, because those girls are probably as smooth as the day they were born. GROSS. I need to stop imaging these two naked. It's illegal.

Mary-Kate Olsen definitely tells her stylist to buy her the ugliest shit they can find. She hands them her black AMEX card and sends them to the dumpster. This troll is looking like Trash Heap from Fraggle Rock more and more every day. They even have the same glasses. She will put on anything. The uglier the better.

I hope she has a tight grip on her escort, because the minute she lets go she's going down. There's no way she can carry the weight of those studs.

With all that being said, she's all sorts of trashy glamour. Iron Man would be proud. Iron Troll!

Dear MK Olsen,

Arthur the aardvark would really love his glasses back. He can't see and that's not right. He doesn't appreciate you stealing them and running off to Paris. Trolls and aardvarks can be friends, but you have to return his glasses first.

xoxoThe Other MK

Here's MK at the Giambattista Valli show in Paris yesterday and with Ash at the Chanel show today. The dude sitting with MK (Lapo Elkann) is freaky fine.

MK and Ashley Olsen are putting together a coffee table about their "influences." No, it's not going to be about trolls, roadkill, billy goats and Clenbuterol. It's going to be filled with interviews with people that have "touched" the Olsens. No, Bob Saget will not be included.

MK told UsWeekly, "“Ashley and I interviewed the people who have inspired us, with the hope that they will inspire and teach others." Terry Richardson, Lauren Hutton and Christian Louboutin are just some of the people featured in their book.

The book called "Influence" will be out this Fall. I really hope there's a mirror attached to the back of the book for easy access snorting. I mean that's probably what they primarily use coffee table books for.

The police want to speak with Mary-Kate Olsen about those mysterious phone calls with her masseuse reports The National Enquirer. The police have confirmed to the Associated Press that the masseuse that found Heath Ledger, Diana Wolozin, placed 4 phone calls to Mary-Kate. It was reported earlier that she only placed 2. Diana called MK several times during a span of 9-minutes before she called 911. Police say they found the additional calls when they went over Heath's phone records. Diana called from his phone.

It's believed that Diana called MK, because she was afraid of causing a scene. MK sent over her private security detail, one of them is an EMT, to Heath's apartment.

Police want to ask MK about the calls and why she sent her security detail over instead of calling 911. DUH! She was afraid of causing some shit. There's also several rumors that MK and Heath were secretly dating, but what does that matter?

Also PageSix.com reports that Diana wasn't licensed to perform massage therapy. Performing massage therapy without a license is a felony, which is punishable by up to four years in prison. Dirty Diana. No wonder she didn't want to call the police.

UPDATE: Scratch all that. The police don't give a fuck about talking to MK. They issued a statement saying they aren't going to question her.