Olsens

You learn something new every fucking day. I grew up in California and never knew that El Pollo Loco delivered their deliciousness to waiting mouths. If I only knew.

The sneaky troll known as Mary Kate Olsen was headed back to her post at the bridge when her dumb bitch friend accidentally backed into the car of a gorgeous El Pollo Loco delivery lady. If any Tacos al Carbon or Pollo Bowls were injured in the accident, the cops need to throw the evil troll and her accomplice into the slammer. Just because that sneaky troll only eats children's hair and squirrel nails, doesn't mean she has to sabotage all of us from trying to get some Mexican goodness. I know what she was trying to do.

And again, El Pollo Loco delivers?!!! Do you they deliver to NYC? If so, they need to send that glamorous delivery lady. Love her. She should have slapped that troll in the teeth for fucking with her.

Trust me. This is light for the Olsens. Although, I'm sure there's at least a few hundred animal skins in just one of those bags. Their largest coat is probably the size of one of your socks, so they can fit a lot of shit in that big bag.

The other bag contains their travel meals which include snips and snails and puppy dog tails. Yeah, I know that's what little boys are made of. That's what the Olsens trolls eat too.

Here they are pushing their own luggage carts (!!!!!) at Heathrow Airport in London today. The sort of hot dude with them has already been banished to the underworld below their tree trunk houses for not pushing their carts.

If the Olsen trolls ever need to make a quick getaway out of a city, they could both pile into just one of those suitcases and check themselves in. Nobody would notice.

The sneaky troll known as Mary-Kate Olsen isn't getting away that easy! This past August the U.S. Attorney's office closed the case regarding Heath Ledger's death which meant that the Olsen troll didn't have to testify. Well, Heath's insurance company ReliaStar now wants to speak to her. Like any typical insurance company, ReliaStar (owned by ING) is trying to find ways to get out of paying Heath's $10 million policy. The insurance whores are investigating the possiblity that Heath committed suicide which would void the policy. Heath's death was officially ruled as an accidental overdose.

A lawyer for Heath's estate is now suing the company for being cheap bitches and nosy skanks. ReliaStar responded to the lawsuit by saying they are "entitled to investigate Plaintiff's claim to determine if the 'Suicide' provision is applicable." They also claim that Heath lied on the policy application about whether he was taking prescription pills.

ReliaStar wants to talk to the troll to find out what she knows about Heath's death. If the feds can't get to her, what makes ReliaStar think they can? They can bring her a fresh plate of roasted chipmunk bones and boiled frog warts, but she's not opening her lips! The only time she opens her mouth is to say "prune."

I hope they do catch her, though. I hear her wicked snicker in the middle of the night and I know she's just laughing at all of us! Your day is coming, troll!

Source: NY Post

The sneaky troll known as Mary-Kate Olsen has the right idea. Why bother getting dressed anymore? Fuck, why bother washing your hair or scrubbing your genitals? Life would be so much easier if we all just rolled out of bed, put on some nasty chanklas, ate a bowl of liver spots and then headed out the door.

The sad part is that you now I have it all wrong. MK probably spent hours getting ready and her outfit totally costs more than everything I own. Althought, that isn't saying much because I basically own a laptop, a TV, a coffee maker and a bitchy ass dog who bark a lot of shit!

I guess looking like a homeless runaway from the 90s costs!

Here's more of that devious elf leaving a Radiohead concert at the Hollywood Bowl last night. She might be wearing some ripped up jean shorts underneath that flannel. Or it could be her pet worms coming out to play. Probably the latter.

Mary-Kate Olsen must be cackling at the rumors that she's "burning through her cash." The Olsens are probably the richest trolls in the world, raking in $40 million total each year. Shit, the Travelocity gnome even makes less than that.

Maybe the source meant that she's literally "burning her cash" because she's so fucking rich. There's just not enough room in her tree trunk anymore. The talking wolves who guard her riches told her that some of her cash needs to go. They just can't keep up.

The source told UsWeekly (via MSNBC) that the troll is spending her money on everything. Her people have told her to cut down on “travel, jewelry, clothes and especially security.” They forgot to add cocaine. Oh shit. I didn't mean that. I meant to say limited-edition Troll dolls.

If the troll is going broke, then I'm going celibate.

It looks like the evil troll known as Mary-Kate Olsen was able to answer the feds' riddle correctly, because she won't have to testify in front of a grand jury about the death of Heath Ledger. People reports that the U.S. Attorney's Office has closed its investigation.

A source said that MK was subpoenaed by a federal grand jury on April 23, but her lawyer bitch has been negotiating with the feds to keep her off the stand. She had asked for immunity before testifying. She also issued a statement saying she knew nothing about Heath's death and doesn't know how he got a hold of some OxyContin.

The evil troll might have gotten away this time, but her day is coming! That sneaky troll is probably dancing a cokey jig right now! She's feasting on children's hair and frog eyes in celebration of her victory! I hear you cackling in the darkness, MK! You won't escape next time!

TMZ also claims that the D.E.A. opened the investigation on the death of Heath even though there wasn't really a crime involved. They just wanted to get into the spotlight a little. They reportedly interviewed a dude who smoked a joint with Heath in the 90s and wanted him to testify in front of a grand jury. Stupid shit like that. The U.S. Attorney's Office finally shut down the "bogus" investigation.

Well, that's that. But can they can still arrest Mary-Kate Olsen? They can just make up a reason. I just really need a Trollsen mug shot in my life.

Thanks Vanya

Mary-Kate Olsen has already issued a statement through her lawyer claiming she doesn't know anything about Heath Ledger's death. The feds still really want to talk to her. They apparently want to know how Heath got a hold of OxyContin and they think the troll knows.

Access Hollywood (via MSNBC) reports that a subpoena has been issued forcing the troll to testify in front of a grand jury.

Before the subpoena was issued, MK agreed to talk to the feds if they gave her ass immunity. A lawyer not connected to the case said that really doesn't mean anything. The lawyer-type said, “It may not mean anything other than she’s getting good legal advice. You don’t know what the DEA may suspect in this case and I think it’s a cautious way to proceed. I think it would be wrong to assume she’s done something criminal simply because she’s invoking her Fifth Amendment against self-incrimination.”

Maybe MK is some sort of evil troll drug lord. I mean, why does she have to hide? Just testify and get it over with! The troll should drag her booster seat over to the court, get on the stand and just answer "You got it dude!" to every question that gets thrown at her.

Does this look like the kind of troll that would tell a lie? YES! All trolls lie. They lie and eat children. They also say "prune" every time they take a picture. Seriously, I hate that every picture I see of a Trollsen, I picture them saying "prune." I hate prunes! They make your ass vomit uncontrollably.

Anyway, the NY Post published a story claiming the feds want to speak to Mary-Kate Olsen about Heath Ledger's death, specifically how he got a hold of OxyContin. MK agreed to only talk to their asses if they granted her immunity.

Her lawyer issued this statement in response:

"Despite tabloid speculation, Mary-Kate Olsen had nothing whatsoever to do with the drugs found in Heath Ledger's home or his body, and she does not know where he obtained them

Regarding the Government's investigation, at Ms. Olsen's request, we have provided the Government with relevant information including facts in the chronology of events surrounding Mr. Ledger's death and the fact that Ms. Olsen does not know the source of the drugs Mr. Ledger consumed.

We don't know the source of the information being quoted in the media regarding the Government's inquiry, but these descriptions are incomplete and inaccurate."

Okay, so she doesn't know anything, but she won't go and talk to the feds in person without getting immunity? Oh, I see what's going on here. The feds need to learn how to do things the "Trollsen" way. They have to ask her troll ass a riddle. If they confuse her, she'll them what she knows. If she answers the riddle correctly, they have to let her nibble on their toe nails.

P.S. - Don't even think of e-mailing me with (read this in a know-it-all voice) "By the way, that's Ashley in the pic." Who gives a whale's penis about that shit!? It could be Ashley, it could be MK. It could also be my left nutsack for all I care! Save it!

This pic is too fucking much. Arthur the Aardvark glasses AND she's saying "prune"? She needs to go in a dark corner and finish feasting on her meal of wet crackers and spider legs. Ho, sit down!

The New York Post reports that Mary-Kate Olsen has refused to talk to the feds about Heath Ledger's death unless they grant her immunity. Someone has been watching Law & Order...

MK's masseuse was one of the first people to find Heath. She immediately called MK. Instead of calling 911, MK sent her bodyguards over to Heath's apartment.

A source said that the feds have already interviewed everyone from Heath's doctors and housekeepers to Michelle Williams. MK is the only one who is refusing to talk to them. The feds want to know where Heath got a hold of OxyContin. All the other drugs found in his system were legally obtained using prescriptions from his doctors. The source said, "Did it come from a dealer, from a friend? If he had a bottle from a friend, was it taken by someone else before police responded? That is what is trying to be determined."

Federal officials might try and get a grand-jury subpoena to get the troll to talk.

You can go to jail for giving someone OxyContin? I mean, that's the only reason MK would ask for immunity, right? She gave Heath OxyContin and she thinks she's too precious for the chokey. She has nothing to be worried about. Celebrities hardly go to jail. Besides, even if she did go to prison, she's small enough to escape through a hole in the wall or squeeze herself through the bars. If that doesn't work, she can get her woodland creature friends to bust her out.

On Thursday, I posted the cover for the Olsen's new "coke cutting table" book called "Influence." I guessed that Mary-Kate was on the left and Ash was on the right. I FAILED! F -

According to People, Ash is on the left and MK is on the right. WTF!? And I thought I had amazing Trollsen identification skills. Shit! Is there a class I can take at the Learning Annex to improve my skills? Now that I look at it, it's pretty obvious which Trollsen is which - based on the order of their names.

Knowing those evil trolls, they are tricking us! Mini-Me in a wig is on the left and La Pequena is on the right. Why do I even give a fuck? It's because I'm under the spell of the evil Trollsens!