Olsens

Mary-Kate Olsen must be cackling at the rumors that she's "burning through her cash." The Olsens are probably the richest trolls in the world, raking in $40 million total each year. Shit, the Travelocity gnome even makes less than that.

Maybe the source meant that she's literally "burning her cash" because she's so fucking rich. There's just not enough room in her tree trunk anymore. The talking wolves who guard her riches told her that some of her cash needs to go. They just can't keep up.

The source told UsWeekly (via MSNBC) that the troll is spending her money on everything. Her people have told her to cut down on “travel, jewelry, clothes and especially security.” They forgot to add cocaine. Oh shit. I didn't mean that. I meant to say limited-edition Troll dolls.

If the troll is going broke, then I'm going celibate.

It looks like the evil troll known as Mary-Kate Olsen was able to answer the feds' riddle correctly, because she won't have to testify in front of a grand jury about the death of Heath Ledger. People reports that the U.S. Attorney's Office has closed its investigation.

A source said that MK was subpoenaed by a federal grand jury on April 23, but her lawyer bitch has been negotiating with the feds to keep her off the stand. She had asked for immunity before testifying. She also issued a statement saying she knew nothing about Heath's death and doesn't know how he got a hold of some OxyContin.

The evil troll might have gotten away this time, but her day is coming! That sneaky troll is probably dancing a cokey jig right now! She's feasting on children's hair and frog eyes in celebration of her victory! I hear you cackling in the darkness, MK! You won't escape next time!

TMZ also claims that the D.E.A. opened the investigation on the death of Heath even though there wasn't really a crime involved. They just wanted to get into the spotlight a little. They reportedly interviewed a dude who smoked a joint with Heath in the 90s and wanted him to testify in front of a grand jury. Stupid shit like that. The U.S. Attorney's Office finally shut down the "bogus" investigation.

Well, that's that. But can they can still arrest Mary-Kate Olsen? They can just make up a reason. I just really need a Trollsen mug shot in my life.

Thanks Vanya

Mary-Kate Olsen has already issued a statement through her lawyer claiming she doesn't know anything about Heath Ledger's death. The feds still really want to talk to her. They apparently want to know how Heath got a hold of OxyContin and they think the troll knows.

Access Hollywood (via MSNBC) reports that a subpoena has been issued forcing the troll to testify in front of a grand jury.

Before the subpoena was issued, MK agreed to talk to the feds if they gave her ass immunity. A lawyer not connected to the case said that really doesn't mean anything. The lawyer-type said, “It may not mean anything other than she’s getting good legal advice. You don’t know what the DEA may suspect in this case and I think it’s a cautious way to proceed. I think it would be wrong to assume she’s done something criminal simply because she’s invoking her Fifth Amendment against self-incrimination.”

Maybe MK is some sort of evil troll drug lord. I mean, why does she have to hide? Just testify and get it over with! The troll should drag her booster seat over to the court, get on the stand and just answer "You got it dude!" to every question that gets thrown at her.

Does this look like the kind of troll that would tell a lie? YES! All trolls lie. They lie and eat children. They also say "prune" every time they take a picture. Seriously, I hate that every picture I see of a Trollsen, I picture them saying "prune." I hate prunes! They make your ass vomit uncontrollably.

Anyway, the NY Post published a story claiming the feds want to speak to Mary-Kate Olsen about Heath Ledger's death, specifically how he got a hold of OxyContin. MK agreed to only talk to their asses if they granted her immunity.

Her lawyer issued this statement in response:

"Despite tabloid speculation, Mary-Kate Olsen had nothing whatsoever to do with the drugs found in Heath Ledger's home or his body, and she does not know where he obtained them

Regarding the Government's investigation, at Ms. Olsen's request, we have provided the Government with relevant information including facts in the chronology of events surrounding Mr. Ledger's death and the fact that Ms. Olsen does not know the source of the drugs Mr. Ledger consumed.

We don't know the source of the information being quoted in the media regarding the Government's inquiry, but these descriptions are incomplete and inaccurate."

Okay, so she doesn't know anything, but she won't go and talk to the feds in person without getting immunity? Oh, I see what's going on here. The feds need to learn how to do things the "Trollsen" way. They have to ask her troll ass a riddle. If they confuse her, she'll them what she knows. If she answers the riddle correctly, they have to let her nibble on their toe nails.

P.S. - Don't even think of e-mailing me with (read this in a know-it-all voice) "By the way, that's Ashley in the pic." Who gives a whale's penis about that shit!? It could be Ashley, it could be MK. It could also be my left nutsack for all I care! Save it!

This pic is too fucking much. Arthur the Aardvark glasses AND she's saying "prune"? She needs to go in a dark corner and finish feasting on her meal of wet crackers and spider legs. Ho, sit down!

The New York Post reports that Mary-Kate Olsen has refused to talk to the feds about Heath Ledger's death unless they grant her immunity. Someone has been watching Law & Order...

MK's masseuse was one of the first people to find Heath. She immediately called MK. Instead of calling 911, MK sent her bodyguards over to Heath's apartment.

A source said that the feds have already interviewed everyone from Heath's doctors and housekeepers to Michelle Williams. MK is the only one who is refusing to talk to them. The feds want to know where Heath got a hold of OxyContin. All the other drugs found in his system were legally obtained using prescriptions from his doctors. The source said, "Did it come from a dealer, from a friend? If he had a bottle from a friend, was it taken by someone else before police responded? That is what is trying to be determined."

Federal officials might try and get a grand-jury subpoena to get the troll to talk.

You can go to jail for giving someone OxyContin? I mean, that's the only reason MK would ask for immunity, right? She gave Heath OxyContin and she thinks she's too precious for the chokey. She has nothing to be worried about. Celebrities hardly go to jail. Besides, even if she did go to prison, she's small enough to escape through a hole in the wall or squeeze herself through the bars. If that doesn't work, she can get her woodland creature friends to bust her out.

On Thursday, I posted the cover for the Olsen's new "coke cutting table" book called "Influence." I guessed that Mary-Kate was on the left and Ash was on the right. I FAILED! F -

According to People, Ash is on the left and MK is on the right. WTF!? And I thought I had amazing Trollsen identification skills. Shit! Is there a class I can take at the Learning Annex to improve my skills? Now that I look at it, it's pretty obvious which Trollsen is which - based on the order of their names.

Knowing those evil trolls, they are tricking us! Mini-Me in a wig is on the left and La Pequena is on the right. Why do I even give a fuck? It's because I'm under the spell of the evil Trollsens!

Am I Right? I can only tell them apart because MK Olsen's eyes always look like they've just been doused with wet cocaine. Anytroll, here are the two covers for the Trollsen's new coffee table book "Influences." I shouldn't say "coffee table book." We're talking about the Olsens. I'll say "coke cutting table book" instead.

The book is out October 18th and will be filled with pictures and interviews with a bunch of dumb whores who have shaped their lives. I'm thinking it will be filled with pictures of various bridges, tree trunks, unicorns and an interview with the makers of Shrinky Dinks. Seriously, I'm convinced these trolls are really Shrinky Dinks.

Source: ONTD

This shit is seriouly becoming a regular feature. After I posted Mischa Barton's cheap panties and Angelina Jolie's "weist" thinning massage hoop, you guys sent in even more shit found at the 99 Cent store. You are some cheap bitches! I just bought some generic sodie pop and dish liquid there. I'm sure that dish liquid is going to melt my dishes.

Above is a luxurious tank top featuring an Olsen Troll on its packaging. I'm sure it's part of their fashion line, The Row, which is only sold at the 99 Cent store and Barneys. The people that put this shit together really need their own Photoshop Award. They don't even fucking try.

Below are a couple of costume bags with Dubya and Rob Lowe on the cover. Hmmm....the Dubya one probably isn't Photoshopp. That's probably a real picture.

"Mary-Kate seriously needs to get to rehab, but she doesn't think she has a problem. She thinks she's young, hip and entitled to live her life as she sees fit. But it's affecting everything." That's what some inside source told Star Magazine. Why do inside sources always talk like entertainment reporters? Young and hip? Ew.

The source claims MK is one messy troll and that she's been partying all the time and binge drinking. Okay, "binge drinking" for her is probably like two sips of a beer a night. Seriously, that tiny troll totally gets drunk from just sniffing rubbing alcohol.

The source also said MK visited some holistic spa to detox, but that didn't stop her partying ways. Of course not! Detoxing is just to prepare yourself for the next round of binge drinking. Drop and reload!

Now I don't know if this messy troll needs rehab for booze problems, but she should seek help for wearing those Arthur the Aardvark sunglasses in public.

P.S. - I love the picture of Tommy Girl with Xenu handles. It gives John Travolta something to hold on to while he's riding that alien pony into the next dimension.

Spencer Pratt has made the biggest mistake of his douche life by lashing out at the evil troll known as Mary-Kate Olsen. Spencer responded to MK telling David Letterman that she went to high school with Spencie and that he has a bad temper. That's all she said!

Well, Twatty Pratt fired back to UsWeekly, "I don't really get why she'd use my name to get press for her little indie film that no one's going to see. She should probably focus more on not getting dressed in the dark than on me. I know I've made it in Hollywood when a famous troll is talking about me on Letterman. I forgive her, though. She's had to go through life as the less cute twin, which must be tough."

I'm sure MK is crying into her piles and piles of money. She's probably so upset that she's shitting into her piles of money. Scratch that. Evil trolls don't go doody time.

Twatty messed with the wrong evil troll. MK will get her revenge! He should stay away from bridges and large trees for a while.