Jennifer Lopez

At the premiere of the new Michael Jackson movie This Is It in Los Angeles yesterday, this lady stood for hours with her eyes poppin' out and her perfect eyebrows waiting to pounce as soon as Detective La Toya hit the red carpet. Unfortunately, the woman's (and my) dreams were crushed into dust, because La Toya never graced the crowd with her glamour. La Toya refused to see the film, because she wants to keep a clear head to help her with the ongoing investigation to get to the bottom of EVERYTHING. And because La Toya said Michael would've never wanted his rehearsal footage to be made into a feature film. La Toya would know since I'm sure Michael communicated this to her using morse code.

Even though La Toya wasn't there, the premiere was still attended by a giant cast of characters. Some of these bitches would show up to the opening of a dick hole as long as cameras were there (I'm looking at you, Wonky).

Below is: Celestia (and her son who is trying to get away from her), Steve Sanders, Tito Jackson, Jackie Jackson, Marlon Jackson, Jermaine Jackson, JLo, JLove, Jaime Kennedy, Joey McIntyre, Katy Perry, Glamberace, Lou Ferrigno (with his glamorous wife), Neil Patrick Harris, Paula Abdul, Rosanna Arquette, Vivica Fox, Will Smith and some bottom shelf call girl.

JLo has decided to give the music thing another shot. She's got a new song out called "Fresh Out of the Oven," but she's releasing it under her new alter ego "Lola." That means JLo is dead, and LOLa is now here to terrorize us with her high-pitched shrills that no amount of auto-tune can hide. When JLo, I mean, JLola, hits those sky high notes, angels cut out their ear drums.

The title totally works since this song makes me want to push something fresh (it's not-so-fresh) out of my butt oven. Sorry, it was necessary. And why is JLola singing about her cookie?! Instead of singing about cookies, bitch needs to make some to give to Skeletor.

VIA Idolator

Skeletor took the night off from hunting virgins for their blood to take JLo to her big 40th birthday party in NYC. It might have been JLo's night, but Skeletor is the one who really got lucky. Bitch got to touch one of her tetas! You know this is the farthest he's gotten with JLo since he stuck his brittle wang bone in her real quick to make the Dragon Tales twins.

Normally, JLo would fart on him for pulling this kind of move in public, but she didn't know what was going on. First of all, because of the 10 tons of make-up on her eyes, she couldn't see too good. Second of all, she really didn't have much feeling in her chichis, because her tight ass girdle cut off all circulation to them.

Happy Belated Birthday to JLo! And Happy Titty Touching Day to Skeletor!

When pictures of both Cassie and Alien Princess RiRi with their decorated chichi balls out hit the internets, many whores (including this one) figured they put that shit out themselves or a certain rabid animal was behind it (*cough*Chris*Brown*cough*). But Miss Info says this isn't so! According to her, the hacker who snatched the puss has had these pictures since last year. And there's more where that came from.

Apparently, the hacker has more pictures of RiRi (with Chris Brown) and Cassie with someone else. Allegedly, the hacker also has nekkid ass flicks of JLo, Jamie Foxx and Christina Milian in his archive. Those are the last three people on Earth I want to see with their private business out. Well, I wouldn't mine seeing Jamie's fox tail, but NOT his fox hole. I don't need to know him like that.

I also hope those nudie JLo pics are from 2005 or before, because nobody needs to know what her bare chichichangas look like today.

When are these fucktardians going to learn that when you take pictures of your fuck parts and send them around, it's only a matter of time before the world sees it and starts ridiculing you for your giant nipples or lop-sided vag lips. Or whatever.

I wonder if this mysterious hacker does requests? Because my request is to never leak pictures of Mah Boo Anderson Cooper, Prince Hot Ginge or Carrot Top! As much as my peen begs for this, I don't think my no-no would come out alive. It would shake, rattle and POP. My no-no is the most important part of my life. It's the reason I get up in the morning and without it, I would be LOST. Okay, I lie. Bring on Mah Boo's chrome pole!

Dumb fuck JLo didn't wear her gaudy ass ring to the Golden Globes because she said it didn't go with her tranny-worthy dress. Well, last night she must have decided that her ring was worthy of this blue dress because she wore it. She also wanted everybody to know that she had it on her finger. I know it's hard to see her ring since her gleaming ego is blinding you. You can see it if you look through a pinhole in a piece of paper. It's a nice ring, but it would look shoved down her throat.

Anyway, JLo continued the ring fuckery at last night's Latino Inaugural Gala in DC, which was also attended by Paulina Rubio and Shakira. JLo and Skeletor apparently sang for the audience at the end of the night. This was a pretty fucking ingenious idea from the party's organizers. Nothing sucks more than trying to get drunk ass whores to leave your party so you can clean up and shit. And nothing clears a room faster than JLo singing live. She should seriously start selling her services. JLo: The world's premiere party emptier!

Star Magazine claims that JLo and Skeletor are finally fighting like a normal couple by hitting each other with pots and pans. Don't you do that at home? JLo must have her slaves keep the pots and pans in her Spanx closet, because there's no way that bitch knows where the kitchen is.

Some source said the two are fighting over chicks calling Skeletor at home (his willing virgin sacrifices) and his constant teasing about JLo's post-baby fat body. JLo respond by fighting back. The source said, ""They love hard; they fight hard — and sometimes that has led to pushing and shoving. They throw things and scream and just go bananas. It's been war in their house! Marc can be really mean. He's a macho guy with a horrible temper and can say awful things."

JLo is also running to her ex Diddy for help. But Diddy probably just tells her to not disrespect the sexy. He then told her if she needs to, to fire shots, but bribe one of The Dragon Tales Twins to take the gun after.

Honestly, this is one of those "bitch, please" stories. JLo doesn't need a pot, pan or a fist to break apart Skeleton's bones. JLo's black belt ass has powers. All she would have to do is jiggle those nalgas a few times and Skeletor would be laid the fuck out. One of her ass queefs could probably send him in a coma. It's like Ren versus Stimpy. JLo's ass being Stimpy of course.

What moron is actually paying JLo to act in a movie?! Who would do that shit during these economic times? Casting JLo in anything is a sure fie way to earn you a place at the back of the bread line. Even worse, they cast her in a comedy! The bitch has the sense of humor of a slug. I mean, Monster-In-Law? Enough said.

JLo will star in Plan B as some annoying bitch (I'm assuming) who turns to artificial insemenation to have a baby. The same day she meets her prince charming, she also finds out she's knocked up. Basically, it sounds kind of like the Clay Gayken story with less glitter. I wish it was the Clay Gayken story with JLo as Gayken. Now that I would pay to see.

CBS Films, the braindead foolios producing this crap fiesta, is looking for a director and shooting is set to begin next spring. That means it should open in a Wal-Mart discount bin near you by this time next year!

Source

Earth to JLo, you are not Raquel Welch. That position has already been filled by Raquel Welch. Please, stop trying to be her. It's never going to happen. Your "I'm too sexy" face looks like you're trying really hard to hold in a massive fart, but you know that you're going to lose the game, so you decide to slowly let it leak out hoping nobody notices. Trust me, I've been there. Your sexy face is exactly what my "slow leak" face looks like.

That said, your chichis look amazing even though that dress looks like it's trying to suffocate them.

Here's JLo without Skeletor at the Benjamin Button premiere in Los Angeles last night. Hopefully Skeletor was out helping Chupa some get virgin blood. And JLo's not wearing her wedding ring because it clashed too much with her big, shiny ego.

Yesterday, JLo finished the Malibu Triathlon in 2 hours, 23 minutes, then got on a plane, hooked up Skeletor to an IV and headed for NYC. JLo threw her husband a 40th birthday party at the Bowery Hotel. Yes, 40. Four. Zero. I mean, they say 40 and we say 340. Mutant vampires zombies live a long time.

Guests included that hag Leah Remini, Dita Von Teese, Kimora, Dijmon Honsou, Brooke Shields, Allegra and Donatella Versace. Donatella and Skeletor feed from the same blood bank, so they're really close friends.

Heidi Klum was reportedly invited to the party, but refused to show up after JLo pulled out from judging "Project Runway." As you know, JLo's rep said she injured her fugly foot and wanted to stay off of it so that she could compete in the triathlon.

A source told MSNBC's The Scoop that JLo is lie-telling about the foot shit. They said that JLo was in talks to star in a film for The Weinstein Company, who also produce PR. When JLo found out she didn't get the role, she got upset and pulled out as a judge. Who cares why she pulled out! We should be grateful that we have been spared! I'd take Tim Gunn over JLo any day. Fuck, I'd take a caca sandwich over JLo.

Here's some pictures from Skeletor's birthday party last night. And just for shits, I've also added some pictures of JLo getting hit by a wave during the triathlon. Her trainer had to pull her drowning ass out of the water. HAHAHAHAHA!

JLo's injured foot had a miraculous recovery and she was able to compete in the Nautica Malibu Triathlon today. And she actually finished! People reports that JLo finished a half mile swim, 18-mile bike and a 4-mile run in 2 hours, 23 minutes and 28 seconds.

While JLo was running her ass off, I was drinking Mimosas and filling my fat mouth with stuffed french toast. Hmm...maybe I should get off my lazy ass and do a push-up or something. Ugh. Even the thought makes me sweat, which is probably making my body burn some calories, right? I'll just think about working out and it'll make me burn calories. Brilliant!

When JLo's mega ass crossed the finished line, she told the crowd, "I feel really great and so glad I finished and that I made it out of the water but more amazing than that, I feel really great that we raised $127,000 for the Children's Hospital of Los Angeles and hopefully it'll go to good use."

Matthew McConaughey also competed in the triathlon. He did it in 1 hour, 30 minutes and 44.7 seconds. Damn. It's the power of the bong!

I seriously wish I was there today. I would've tracked JLo like a wolf watching his prey. I just know this bitch got a double to do the hard shit! She was probably sitting in some trailer, with her white candles, sipping on champagne and getting her make-up done to look all natural and "flushed." Then she got out of her chair, lightly jogged across the finish line and took all the glory! The truth will be revealed soon! And by "soon" I mean in 20 years when the Dragon Tales Twins write a tell-all.