Jennifer Lopez

JLo's new show for TLC isn't being called a reality show. Shit, it shouldn't even be called a show. JLo's manager told People that the show will not feature Skeletor or the Dragon Tales twins. The show will only be about JLo's new crappy ass perfume.

Her manager said, “The recent show Jennifer Lopez plans to produce for TLC is not a reality show. It’s a show that will track the creation, production and eventual launch of a new fragrance. Jennifer will appear in a creative, entrepreneurial capacity and will absolutely not feature her children and family life.”

Wow. How fucking riveting. I'd rather spend the evening scrubbing bathroom grout than watching this borefest. Seriously, scrubbing grout is very therapeutic. You should try it sometime.

Anyway, it sounds like her show is going to stink as bad as her new perfume. It's smart not to call it a reality show since there's nothing real about this fake bitch.

I can deal with JLo putting dangerous chandeliers in her nursery, covering her twins in mink, washing them in diamond dust and even naming them after characters in Dragon Tales. The ho is insane crazy, but I didn't know she was alien crazy. According to Showbiz Spy, JLo is putting her Dragon Tales twins sanity in danger by asking Tom Cruise to be their godfather.

A source said, “Tom is delighted. Marc wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to have a Scientologist as the kids’ godfather, especially as he and Jennifer are both Catholic. But in the end Jennifer managed to convince him to agree.” By "convince him" they mean she slapped him after he talked back to her.

Tom has already bought the twins a giant fish tank for their nursery. That's not a fish tank! It's a portal to their planet.

In that picture above, Tommy even knows those twins are going to belong to him. Emme is his future alien bride. This must be stopped! Xenu please come to Earth and save the DT twins!

We all know how hard it was for JLo to have her Dragon Tales twins. I mean, she was forced to give birth in a regular hospital! I don't know how she survived. Skeletor knows this to0, so he went out and bought her $2.6 million diamond earrings as a "thank you."

He had their babies' initials engraved on each earring. One earring has the letter "M" and the other has the letter "E." That's pretty fucking funny that it spells ME! That's JLo's one and only true love. She gave him a pressie too! She gave him a coupon worth a dozen of her used tampons. Well, he needs the protein! He's been without it since she was knocked up!

In other JLo news, she's looking for a live-in nanny! I'm guessing she ran out of cousins who will accept being paid $5 a day for their services.

It's an airbrushed to hell JLo with her twins, Max & Emme, on the cover of People Magazine! This is what $6 million (allegedly) gets you! The new issue hits stands tomorrow and promises 12 pages of JLo, Skeletor and their babies. People made a good call and kept Skeletor off the cover. This isn't a Halloween issue. They also take us inside the twins' nursery? Which one? I bet you anything JLo had a fake nursery made up, so she doesn't look that crazy. The real nursery is covered in solid gold, diamonds, furs and elephant ivory.

It's always hilarious when celebrities put their newborn babies in magazines. Babies pretty much look all the same at that age.

They probably went with this picture, because every time JLo went to hold them they started crying. Well, I'm sure this is like the third time she's seen them! They want the nanny.

Page Six reports that JLo's custom hospital suite at North Shore University Hospital on Long Island is finally occupied! The suite has been sitting there empty for the past two weeks. JLo has apparently checked in and is ready to get the job done. Is she having a c-section? If Xtina's too good to push, I'm guessing JLo is waaaaaaay too good to push. JLo's just going to waltz in, have them light all her white candles, turn on her stories, snack on Bugles and tell them to let her know when they are done. But don't interrupt her during her show! Only tell her during commercial and if the baby's are crying, make sure they keep it down until commercial break! The JLo must not be disturbed.

She's finally having her babies. I've been keeping myself awake at night just thinking of all the possibilities for their names. JLo better not let me down.

JLo is about to give birth to her twins any day now and she's already causing drama at North Shore University Hospital on Long Island. JLo has a suite designed specially for her and only her. Nobody else is allowed to use it until she's done with it.

A source told Page Six, "No one's even allowed in there until she gets here. It's just sitting there for her." The hospital has also reportedly beefed up security and have already went through several "code pink" drills in case of a possible kidnapping.

I bet this is just the tip of the iceberg. JLo is capable of so many ridiculous things. I wouldn't be surprised if she asks the doctors and nurses to color coordinate and to play her CDs during birth. I would advice against playing her CDs though. If the babies hear her music, they might not come out.

JLo is hoping to have her baby on Valentine's Day, so she can make the magazine deadlines! Always thinking ahead. MSNBC's The Scoop reports that JLo already had the February 14th date planned out. A source said, “She didn’t just like it because of the obvious correlation, which is sweet, but she also was happy that it ... would easily make the deadline for the weekly magazine covers.”

The source went on to say that JLo is hoping to have a photo shoot with her twinsies in one of the three new nurseries. She reportedly paid $120,000 for each nursery. The nurseries are equipped with imported furniture from France and “some of it has 18 karat gold on the legs and knobs. The rooms will even have crystal chandeliers.”

Who needs magazine covers? That is so old-fashioned She should just live stream the entire event. You just know this bitch is going to be in full hair and make-up with good lighting, white candles and her own music playing. She's just going to lay there checking her Blackberry while they c-section her ass. Then she will get up, wipe her mouth, glance at the babies, smile and demand a steak dinner.

Ever since JLo got knocked up, I've been waiting for these pictures. She is ready to blow! Skeletor and JLo looks hilarious together. They look like Edna and Wilbur Turnblad from "Hairpsray." I just want to hear JLo say, "All ratted up like a teenage Jezebel!"

I'm surprise she can even walk. They should've just thrown her ass in a shopping cart. She's probably such a bitch too! I can picture her screaming at Skeletor for not saying "bless you" when she farts.

I fucking love it. I hope JLo stays pregnant forever!!

Here's these two at Maddona and Gucci's Malawai and UNICEF benefit last night in NYC.

Wenn, Splash, Wireimage

JLo dragged her unborn twin babies to the Marchesa fashion show in NYC today. Skeletor joined her. JLo looked gorgeous in a short blue muumuu. It looks like a tablecloth. JLo's doing a good job of hiding her shit. I mean she's JLo and she's having twins! Her ass should be in another timezone. She's probably wearing like 10-pairs of Spanx. She cut them off at the thigh, so nobody would notice. Her face looks more pregnant than her body does.

Skeletor is looking...dare I say....no...I won't say it.

Wenn

JLo's daddy confirmed that she's having twins. Duh! In vitro babies. David Lopez was on the Spanish language show Escándalo where he said, "Yes, twins. The thing is in my family, my sister also had twins, so it's a hereditary thing."

Escandalo is the hottest name ever. I hope JLo names one of her babies that. David also talked about how he bought the babies a bracelet to protect them. He said, "In Puerto Rico it's custom to buy an azabache [black stone] bracelet for babies to protect them from the evil eye, it's part of our culture."

The evil eye? He's totally talking about Skeletor.

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