I am blaming Papa Joe for all of this, because Asshole Simpson can't think for herself. Pete has denied she was knocked up and then Asshole sort of denied it. Well, People Magazine claims Ass is definitely pregnant. Their family source claims she's expecting a faux Emo baby and that she will get married to Pete in May.
Ass was on TRL yesterday and when asked if she was pregnant, she answered, "I just think it's an inappropriate question to ask any woman. For me, that's something that I didn't ever want to respond to, because I think it's an inappropriate question." Is this an inappropriate question: Are you a dumb fuck?!
OK! Magazine also has pictures of what they think is a baby bump, but I just think it's all the air in her vagina escaping. It seems to me that the media is trying to fuck this bitch until she gets pregnant.
Papa Joe must be stopped!
Pete Wentz has already denied that his douche semen knocked up Ashlee. However, Ashlee wants to keep the fun and games going. She talked about the rumors during a taping of MTV's TRL today.
Ass dodged the pregnancy question and said that if all the rumors about her were true she "would have had a baby by now." How do we know she hasn't had a baby by now? I always thought Jessica's baby girl, Daisy, sort of looked like Ashlee. Daisy has Ashlee's original nose.
All this "is she or isn't she" pregnant crap is Papa Joe's doing. He saw how much attention Beyonce was getting for her "maybe wedding," so he decided to produce his own version with lame results.
Here's Ass, Jess, Daisy and Tina Simpson at JFK yesterday. Daisy, I know you're Ass' secret love child! Bark twice if I'm right.
UPDATE: Asshole denied she was knocked up to Life & Style. They asked her if the rumors were true and she said "NO!" A source also told the magazine that Ass would never get knocked up before marriage, because her daddy is so religious. The source said, “Because she’s so religious, she’d definitely want to be married before bringing a child into the world.” Religious my ass lips! God doesn't like lip-synchers.
"There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood. This is all news to me. I can't wait for the story about how I'm really in a gay relationship and this is all just a cover. ... I mean really, this is crazy. ... I mean we're engaged, that's true, and happy about it."
I told you they didn't have sex! InTouch is totally working on the "Pete Wentz in gay relationship" cover for next week. They can use the picture above. I mean, they make a pretty gay couple.
Papa Joe was totally holding a rifle to Pete's head while he was writing that denial.
UsWeekly claims Ashlee Simpson is knocked up! Their "source" confirms that she's expecting a baby with Pete Wentz. The two announced their engagement recently.
You need to have sex in order to get pregnant! These two just lay in bed giggling and drawing black hearts on each other's thighs. They might get into heavy petting, but that's about it.
If Ashlee is knocked up, she's going to give birth to black eyeliner. It will have its father's eyes and its mother's personality.
You know that after Jessica Simpson heard this news, she started frantically poking holes in condoms and replacing her birth control pills with Tic-Tacs. Jessica will not be outdone!
Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz just announced their engagement. Try not to roll your eyes too much or they'll stay that way forever. Asshole posted this message on the Friends or Enemies website:
We know there has been a lot of speculation recently about Pete and I and we wanted our fans to be the first to know, because you guys are the best. Yes, we are thrilled to share that we are happily engaged. Thank you for all of your support and well wishes - it means the world to us. We consider this to be a very private matter, but we wanted you to hear it straight from us."
Papa Joe confirmed to People and said he's "totally happy" and "so excited to have Pete as part of (our) family." You know that man is crying inside. At least he still has Jessica. Nobody's going to marry her annoying ass unless he pays them. Papa Joe probably coordinated this shit. Ashlee does have a new album coming out soon. Publicity stunt!
Her maid of honor is totally going to be a flat iron and his best man is going to be black eyeliner.
Harrison Ford got loaded with Shrek semen at the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards last night. That slime is probably what the inside of his catheter bag looks like. I'm yanking him! Harrison has still got it. I mean, he has the earring to prove it.
I actually sat and watched some of this shit. I only did it, because there were rumors that Brit Brit was going to perform. You know what happened the last time she performed, so I couldn't miss this possible mess fiesta. Not surprisingly, she didn't perform. It really hurts when people lie to you. Especially kids. Yes, I blame the kids.
So....here are some of the scallywags that came out for the children. Brendan Fraser's on-again-off-again fake hair needs to be turned off permanently. I'm starting to think it's actual grass grow on his head and he dyes it brown.
One day I really want to pour a glass of water all over the top of Asshole and Pete's heads. Those two would blow up just thinking about their perfectly straight hair possibly turning wavy. I don't think they could function if their hair was not straight.
Why must the Simpson women insist on making their lips look like inflamed anal glands? I'm guessing Papa Joe makes them do it. He's always struck me as an asshole kind of man.
Here's Asshole lunching with friends yesterday and by "lunching" I mean she had a piece of bread and a lemon water.
Asshole Simpson's new album cover is definitely a major contender for the fugliest of the year. The label probably sat around and said, "How the hell can we distract from this annoying slag's fugly face? I have an idea! Let's find the ugliest font we can find. Maybe two fugs can make a right."
That font should only be allowed on the cover of a Schoolhouse Rock album and nowhere else.
It looks like an avatar one of her two fans would make using MSPaint while on a NyQuil high. Seriously, her fans probably think a NyQuil high is hardcore.
I shouldn't say Papa Joe approved, because if he had his way she would be in a bikini, sucking on a lollipop and clutching her "My Heart Belongs To Papa Joe" pillow.
Asshole Simpson was on Washington DC's Hot 99.5 Kane in the Morning show today and homegirl sounded out of it. She was either drunk, stoned or she was suffering from dick high. Asshole giggled the entire time and admitted she got a tattoo that morning. When they asked if it was a rose, she said, "No it's a peoooonieeeeee."
She also tried to explain her new song and she needed to be slap. She said, "The best line in the song is uh...you know...the come over line....uh...um...it's pretty genius...it's um...i'm not over it so come over...um....pretty genius....the girl kind of thing.....um....ehehehehehehe" Lay off the bong in the morning, Ass!
Her rep denies she was drunk and blames it on being tired, “Ashlee was absolutely not intoxicated this morning on Hot 99.5. She has been working extremely hard traveling across the country to promote her upcoming new album by performing at night and waking up very early the next day to do radio interviews in the morning - like any of us would be - she was simply just tired.”
I'm surprised he didn't blame it on acid reflux. Bitch isn't tired, she's just stupid.
Papa Joe needs to get her to lip-synch her interviews as well. She can't handle it.
Click here to listen if you want, but it's pretty annoying
Ashlee Simpson was on The Fuse yesterday where she denied she's pregnant and engaged. Papa Joe would never have it! Ashlee said that she is "promised" to be Pete Wentz and has the ring to prove it. She said, "It just means that he hasn't asked my dad yet..."
I think she's lying. She's totally wearing one of those commitment rings creepy fathers give their daughters at the Purity Ball. She's promised to daddy forever. Besides, you should not wear promise rings after the age of 14. I bet they make friendship bracelets for each other too. Oh shit! Do you remember making friendship bracelets? I think I majored in that in grade school.
Here's Asshole and Pete in NYC the other night. They should really buy stock in Big Sexy Hair Straightening Balm.