Ashlee Simpson married Pete Wentz last night at her parent's douche palace in Los Angeles. I know the ban on gay marriage was lifted in California, but I didn't know we could get married already. That was fast. Congrats to these two homo tampons.
A spokesbitch told People, "We're delighted to confirm that Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson were married this evening in front of family and close friends."
Asshole wore a dress made out of toilet paper and Pete wore a tux made from guyliner. Papa Joe wore his lucky cock ring. Tony Romo wore a ball and chain aka Jessica Simpson.
Papa Joe also performed the ceremony (for real), Jessica was the maid of honor and Pete's bulldog, Hemingway, was the ring-bearer. Guests included Tony Romo (he had no choice), Nicole Richie and Joel Madden.
Expect a pregnancy announcement in 3....2......
UPDATE: OK! reports that Asshole confirmed her pregnancy to everyone at the reception. Gross.
Asshole and her vagina boyfriend will get married this Saturday in a top secret location. UsWeekly reports that the two tampons are trying to keep the whole thing under wraps. A source told them, "Proper invites have not been sent out but instead guests have been given a save the date notice."
Guests will be transported to the "secret" wedding location by shuttles. Asshole's rep wouldn't confirm or deny. It's also rumored that Ass is with child.
Don't these two realize that nobody gives a piss about their nauseating day? Even if I received an invitation, I wouldn't go. Ok, I would. Only if it was catered by Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles and Ken Paves was confirmed as a guest. The Paves plus fried chicken and waffles equals heaven.
There's no way Papa Joe will keep this nastiness secret. He's probably trying to negotiate how he can make this blessed event available through pay-per-view.
The KKK skanks have done a PSA about Burma, but it comes off as a completely mockery. The PSA shows Kim trying on dresses while the sisters talk about "Burma's political plight." Cheery music plays in the background. Here's just some of their serious dialogue:
Kim: What's this benefit again for? Burping?
Khloe: Not burping. Burma.
Kim: I was kidding. I wrote my whole thesis on Burma. It's a terrible situation over there.
They go on to poorly recite scripted words about Burma. It ends with Khloe asking Kim if she "really wrote her college thesis on Burma?" Kim responds, "What a thesis? I'm totally kidding."
Kim, You're a dumb skank. I'm totally not kidding.
Even commenters on Kim's blog are offended with this piece of trash! Here's a couple:
"Can we get some more hilarious video's about say 9\11 or other tragic circumstances? I can't wait until you hit 30 and no one cares about you anymore."
"OMG kim ... I can't believe you made a video clip like that about a serious situation. You such a self consumed tramp you seriously have no class or brains. EVERYTHING you do is a joke including this video awareness clip.. I can't believe you actually made fun of something so serious. If your dad was alive he would slap your face from one side to the other ... Your disgusting... Reggie I can't believe your dating a flake like kim .. She's not only bad for you she's bad for your image."
Click here to see their "PSA."
Asshole Simpson is in London trying to get people to buy her album of shitty music. She was on the talk show, "Nokia Green Room" when she called Brit Brit Spears "trashy." Pot calling the kettle trashy!
Asshole was asked in an interview what she thought, "You've had one too many Britney Spears" meant? Apparently, Britney Spears is slang for beer, but Asshole answered "one too many trashy girls."
Stupid hag! Ok, I would have said a lot worse, but I'm trashy and proud of it. This is rich coming from the ultimate piece of trash, Asshole Simpson! The bitch's singing voice makes Brit Brit sound like Beverly fucking Sills.
At least Brit Brit isn't about to marry a vagina! Well, Brit Brit might if it proposed, but that's not the point!
Visit The Sun to see dumb Asshole called Brit Brit "trashy."
Doesn't Papa Joe realize that reality shows kill relationships? Yeah, that douche doesn't care. He only cares about how much many his whores can bring in. OK! Magazine is reporting that Papa is currently trying to get a deal together for Ass and Pete to star in "Newlyweds" for MTV. Jessica and Nick starred in the first Newlyweds and we all know how that ended.
A source said, “He knows that no one cared about Jessica before her reality show, and he’s hoping a show for Ashlee will have the same effect." I've got news. If this bitch gave all of us $1,000 in cash, we still wouldn't care about her. Okay, we would pretend to care about her, but only after we spent it all on sex toys and candy.
Papa apparently thinks that Asshole and Pete would be perfect for a reality show, because they are getting married and having a baby.
Personally, I would rather see a reality show starring Papa Joe. Oh scratch that. We already have "To Catch A Predator."
P.S. - Asshole's new shitty CD sold 47,000 copies and debuted at No. 4 on Billboard. This is her first CD to not debut at No.1. Poor Ass. She should cry into daddy's arms. Seriously, she should, because that would make his week.
Heidi Montag reportedly pulled out of the White House Correspondents' Association dinner, because MSNBC refused to pay for Spencer's first-class plane ticket. Well, the two douchebags made it after all! George Bush was probably heartbroken when he heard Heidi couldn't make it, so he chartered Air Force One for her. This is a good thing, because the two really are intellectual soul mates.
And yes Heidi wore that same outfit a week ago. It looked like shit then and it looks like shit now.
The dinner was also attended by Asshole and Pete Wentz, Pammy Anderson, Lauren Conrad, Michael Johns from American Idol, Joel McHale, Jenny McCarthy, the Jonas Brothers, Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner and Marcia Cross.
President Bush joked to the audience, "Pamela Anderson and Mitt Romney in the same room? Isn't that one of the signs of the apocalypse?" That whole room was the last sign of the apocalypse. I'm surprised the room didn't spontaneously combust from all the morons in it.
Bush went on to joke, "[Hillary] Clinton couldn't get in because of sniper fire and Sen. [Barack] Obama's at church." That Dubya is such a fucking comedian. He should really quit his job and join the Queens of Comedy tour.
Pete Wentz is truly going to make a great father. At least now he'll have someone to talk to that's on his IQ level. Speaking of pregnancy, Asshole Simpson is still milking the rumors to get more press.
Asshole continued to be an asshole by not giving a straight answer to the pregnancy questions. Asshole went on The Ellen DeGeneres (episode airs today) and would not give a simple "yes" or "no" to the questions being fired at her.
People reports that Ellen asked the pregnancy question and Asshole answered, "Well, that has been going on for quite a while. That is something that I choose personally not to discuss. Do I look like I had 10 cheeseburgers or something? Because I don't think I do." No, but I want to shove 10 cheeseburgers in her mouth, so she can shut the hell up already.
Ellen finally made Ash promise that if she is pregnant, she won't keep it a secret for a long ass time like JLo did. Asshole promised. Pete Wentz is probably the one that's pregnant. He's the one with the vagina. Maybe, people should start asking him when he's expecting.
Here's the expectant mother at the opening of the Bape store in Los Angeles last night.
It's time to give it up and call it a day when your clothing line makes Heidi Montag's line look like some couture shit. Asshole Simpson designed a t-shirt line for Wet Seal to help market her shitty ass CD. Who the fuck would want this bitch's ass face all over their t-shirt? I wouldn't even use her ass face to wipe my own ass.
Click here if you want to buy this shit, but be aware that your computer will laugh at you once you hit "process order."
And since I've already hurt your eyes, I might as well hurt your ears as well. Here's Asshole on Leno last night. She should have lip-synched and then danced a jig. It would have been more entertaining.
This whole "Is Asshole pregnant?" drama is so disorganized. Niecy Nash and the "Clean House" team need to come in and fix this shit. It's a mess! One minute they aren't pregnant, then they are, then they aren't. Stick with one fucking story.
Asshole was on "Today" this morning and was asked about her possible emo baby in the oven. She answered, "Only time will tell. Rumors have been going on for about a year now. I am giving birth to my record... that's my baby."
Well, your baby should be dumped into the clearance bin immediately. I've heard it and it reeks. Hopefully, all the press on this no-talent ho still won't be enough to save her "baby" from being a total flop.
Here's Ass at a Conde Nasty (typo, but I'm keeping it) Traveler party last night. This bitch needs to learn how to keep people guessing about her pregnancy. She should have worn an empire waist dress and held her bump a lot. Do I have to teach this plastic bitch everything?
Papa Joe really knows how to fuck things up. Well, he is responsible for bringing Ashlee and Jessica into the world. Page Six reports that Papa is already trying to make deals with the magazines for Ashlee's exclusive baby pictures. He's asking 1 million dollars. Yeah, dollars and not pesos.
Papa Joe wants to take the pictures himself, so they can make even more money. Those disposable camera pictures are going to look really good.
One magazine editor said the bitch ain't worth $1 million. Shit, she ain't even worth $100,000! They said she could probably get "$60,000 maybe - but definitely not a million. The timing is a little suspicious. Her album ['Bittersweet World'] is dropping next week, and there was little to no interest until now. Ashlee's lucky she got pregnant, frankly."
Oh shit! Lucky she got pregnant! Who is this magazine editor? They are my new best friend. Ashlee is just as brain dead as her daddy. There's no way you should let someone named Papa Joe run your career. Yes, his name is Joe Simpson, but I'm sure he's legally changed it to Papa Joe already.
Besides, why the helly hell are magazines going to buy pictures of that baby when all they have to do is go down to central casting, pick out a newborn, put some black eyeliner on it, make it pout and voila! A Simpson/Wentz spawn.
Below are pictures of Ass and Pete being gross and showing off her engagement ring. It looks like a really shiny pearl stuck in between two rotten oysters.