Ashlee Simpson

Poor Emo Baby already has two dirty tampons for parents, a major vagina for a pepaw, a raggedy dildo for an auntie, and now she's going to have a major douche for a godfather. Homegirl is screwed. Get the emancipation papers ready.

Some nosy skank told The Sun that Pete Wentz will ask John Mayer to be Emo Baby's godfather. Asshole Simpson agrees because the bitch can't think for herself.

The source said, "Pete and John have been spending a lot of time together lately and they get on so well. They are firm friends. John gets a bad rap and is always portrayed as a bad boy but he's got a heart of gold. Pete and Ashlee know that and they think he would make a great godparent. But they are holding back asking him at the moment because they are not sure how Ashlee's sister Jessica would feel about her ex having such a strong link to her new niece."

How Jessica is going to feel? Papa Joe will never let this happen. He already has his own ideas of who the godparents should be. He's going to sell the exlusive rights to some corporation. So don't be surprised if it's announced that Manic Panic and Hot Topic are Emo Baby's godparents.

Here's Emo Baby's godfather leaving the gym yesterday. He would be kind of hot if it wasn't for that fugly rose on his shoulder. The last thing I want to see when I'm riding is the pony is a big, fat rose. Roses make me think of Rose Nylund which makes me think of Betty White. You do not want to be thinking about Betty White when you're getting it in the prune hole.

Ass and Pete's little Emo Baby is going to be a girl. That's sweet. All of three of them can share tampons when Emo Baby gets older.

A source told Star (via SAWF) that Ass and Pete also found out Emo Baby's due date, "The doctor told them they actually conceived the baby just before Valentine's Day while they were on vacation and has given them an initial due date of Oct. 31. When Pete heard he might have his baby on Halloween, he went nuts. For an emo-rocker type like Pete, that would be just too perfect!" Oh shit. This means her name is going to be Elvira or Siouxsie Sioux.

There's probably a bunch of babies up in heaven, playing a never-ending game of "rock, paper, scissors" trying to decide who's going to get stuck with these two twats.

I still don't believe that she could get pregnant just by rubbing vaginas with Pete. I won't believe it's their baby until it pops out with flat-ironed hair, eyeliner for days and a severe case of acid reflux.

A Simpson boy is coming.... A tattler-taler from Petit Tresor, the only baby store celebskanks go to, told CelebTV.com that Ass Simpson and Vagina Wentz filled out a baby registry and almost everything on the list is blue. That really doesn't mean anything. The blue diapers and baby rattlers they registered for could have been a gift for Papa Joe. He likes to roleplay.

The tattler-taler said, “They [Simpson and Wentz] made it very clear that it was a boy.” Fall Out Boy!

Does Petit Tresor carry baby flat-irons and baby eyeliner?

Oh shit. They are totally going to name the poor thing "Emo." Let's send subliminal messages to Emo Baby telling him to run for the door as soon as he pops out of Ass' vag. We'll have a getaway car waiting with Latarian Milton in the driver's seat.

I know Asshole's the one carrying eyeliner baby, but Jessica looks like she's holding something too. That dress from the Angelina Jolie maternity collection isn't helping either. Seriously, Jess is the knocked up one and Ass is just pretending. Pete Wentz's vagina jizz can't make a baby! If Asshole's baby doesn't have a chin that sweeps the floor, we'll know who the real daddy and mommy is.

In other Ass news, UsWeekly reports that she's postponed her summer concer tour. Her rep said, "After careful consideration, Ashlee Simpson has decided to postpone her summer tour. She is committed to giving her fans the best show possible, and will be back better than ever and ready to rock in the future."

Summer concert tour? Papa Joe is delusional! Where the hell was she planning on playing? Mini-mall parking lots and middle school cafeterias? The dumb bitch couldn't sell out my bathroom. Besides, there's already enough stinky shit in there. Badum-ching!

After all the stupid ass denials, Asshole and Pete confirmed on the website Friends Or Enemies that they are expecting a little baby. Looks like we might have a new contestant in the fugliest baby of the year contest!

These two dumb whores wrote:

"While many have speculated about this, we wanted to wait until after the first trimester to officially confirm that we are expecting our first child. This is truly the most joyous time in our lives and we are excited to share the happy news and start our family."

SHOTGUN!

Are we sure Papa Joe ain't the daddy? I refuse to believe that these two twats actually do sex. Pete only sticks the tip in, gets nervous, pulls out and then starts giggling like a school girl. I don't even think Pete can produce semen!

Pete Wentz thinks he's a comedian. He walked around yesterday wearing a paper plate on his face which read: "Your ad could be here... Email: Jon@douchebag.com." Don't go to douchebag.com! It's a porn portal. Great, Petey is sending the kiddies to a porn site.

Now if we can just get his wifey to wear one of those over her face.

TMZ reports that Ass and Pete pocketed $1.4 million from People for exclusive pictures of their trash bag wedding. However, there was a catch. Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo had to be at the wedding. That's why they put a little picture of Jess and Romo on the cover, because they sell.

Papa Joe reportedly took all the pictures, so they could get even more money. Yeah, right. He only wanted to be the "official photographer" so that he could take pictures of Asshole getting ready. Barf.

Jess and Romo attended the wedding together even though it was reported they had broken up. So did cold hard cash bring Romo to the party? Doesn't that bitch have enough money on his own?

The bigger question here is, how much money did Hemingway the bulldog get? He's suffered the most in all of this. I mean his name is Hemingway and look what he was forced to wear!

Pete Wentz told Ryan Gaycrest that he was spending his honeymoon with Asshole in the basement. Pete was lying. They had a honeymoon. They so sneaky! They act like people give a rat's clitoris. Do rats have clits? Get back to me on that one. I'm too lazy to google.

Ass and Pete arrived in NYC last night from their Caribbean honeymoon. More like Cari-BEIN-UGLY!

And what in blue hell is Pete wearing? I didn't know Gymboree carried hoodies in size douche.

Hemingway the bulldog looks like he's trying to hold in the vomit. Hemingway, don't look behind you or the chunks will start a flowing! Hell, don't look down either, Hemingway! Nowhere is safe.

Yes, it's Hemingway with two twats on the cover of People magazine. If Asshole and Vagina in their wedding outfits doesn't make you barf, then Jessica Simpson bumping and grinding on Tony Romo will definitely bring on the heaves. Jessica thinks she's so fucking hot. Romo is laughing through the pain.

Pete Wentz called into Ryan Seacrest's show on KIIS-FM this morning to discuss his wedding and other boring stuff. Pete said that Ashlee "legally is a Wentz ... I don't know what she'll do with her stage name, that's up to her. She hasn't decided that." She should change her stage name to Big Fug Asshole. It has a better ring to it then Ashlee Simpson or Ashlee Wentz.

Pete also said they signed a pre-nup. Damn, he's giving up all their business. I'm surprised he didn't talk about their wedding night. That's because they just flat-ironed each other's hair and tried out new brands of eyeliner.

The newlyweds are also skipping a honeymoon for now. He said they are just hanging out in the basement, "We got some blow-up palm trees. A little fake-n-bake tanning booth." They have no choice. Papa Joe locks them down there and only lets them come out for public appearances.

And when Ryan asked about the baby, Pete responded, "Ryan, this baby has not been confirmed. The only thing I'm confirming now is that we're in the basement on our honeymoon with these blow-up palm trees."

Yup, she's knocked up. And enough with this stupid basement! It sounds like hell down there anyway. Pete Wentz, his blow-up bride and a bunch of blow-up trees? No gracias.

Source: UsWeekly