This picture of Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz bonding over their mutual love of awful fucking hair was taken just last month and now they're completely over after 2 years of marriage! The meaning of love gave an encore of Ashlee's SNL performance and CHOKED. Just dance a jig, love, and keep on going.
TMZ reports that Ashlee just filed for divorce in L.A. today and is asking for primary physical custody and joint legal custody of their 2-year-old son Bronx. Papa Joe did good, because Ashlee didn't sign a prenup. She's asking for both spousal and child support.
You know, I'm not even surprised anymore when I find out who DIVORCE decided to curse this time. Bitches are either birthing a divorce or filing a baby. One of those. The thing that's got me furrowing my brow like Papa Joe when Jessica Simpson wears a turtleneck is that the year is 2011 and we're still talking about Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz!
My guess is that Ashlee took one look at Pete's new au naturale "Lionel Richie clay head" fro and let jealousy get the best her. Ashlee refuses to live in the shadow of that beautiful piece of frizzy art.
And this gives Jessica an excuse to tear up the Entenmann's aisle again. Jessica's eating Ashlee's feelings for her. That's what sisters are for!
UPDATE: TMZ's sources say that Ashlee made the decision to melt the straightening balm that bonded their love together, because she was sick of Pete's "erratic" behavior. Erratic = that hair. Ashlee's been trying to stay out of show business shit and focus on raising their son, but Pete wants to keep making "music" and touring.
This is the exact shade Tim Peeler was talking about when he said his friend Knobby the Sasquatch has "yallaw-ish hare-ya." It's as if Ashlee Simpson stared at the toilet after taking a 6am piss and proclaimed, "I want that color on my hare-ya!" Piss on an Ass. Okay, it's not that bad, but try telling that to Bronx Mowgli (that name still makes me iCANT inside every time I type it). If Bronx's facial expression was an Amazon review, it would give his mother's hair nil stars.
The last thumbnail below proves that there's always a true beauty lurking in the dark ready to snatch the spotlight away from you. Watch out.
At the US Open yesterday, Asshole Simpson let the free booze go straight to her head and carry her off to the top of a bar in Missouri where she threw up her hands to Skynrd while fat truckers in flannels threw jukebox tokens at her. Bitch, you're at a tennis match, not at a church funeral with my relatives (my relatives always find a reason to drunk dance). Sit your ass down next to Emo Gilligan over there.
Where was Grandpa Decorum of the US Open to charge at Ashlee and put an end to her foolishness?
Cameron Diaz, who always behaves like a refined lady at all times, was obviously not amused by any of this (or maybe she just let out one of those super slow beer farts):
Here's more of Ashlee working for those camera clicks in front of Pete Wentz, Cammy, A-Rod, Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale.
It wouldn't be the Kentucky Derby without a tall crystal glass of sweet tea with just a hint of mint to give your tongue the tingles. Johnny Weir quenched the thirst of dry mouthed bitches when he hit the red carpet at the Kentucky Derby yesterday dressed like a fancy Bravo reality star (I'm looking at you, Dwight) going to a drag queen's funeral.
This is the first time in the history of the Kentucky Derby that the race ended early and a winner was not declared. That's because as soon all the horses spotted Johnny in the audience, they sprouted wings, pushed a crystal horn out of their heads and flew off towards the land of rainbows and glitter. Johnny freed them!
And the people who got to witness Johnny's glittery magic at work were: two assholian clowns, Larry Birkhead with Dannielynn, Fran Drescher, Joey Fat One, Jeff Lewis with Jenni, Vanessa Manilafolders with Nick Lachey, LOCKE!, Ugh Mario Lopez, Marisa Miller, Rebecca Romijn with Jerry O'Connell, Fred Willard and the woman with the best hat at the Derby.
Drop whatever you're doing (aka nothing) and get to work on a "Can We Keep Pete Wentz Like This Forever" petition! This IS the look for Pete. Actually, it's the only look for Pete.
At the end of Pete Wentz's (or "Cock Blocker" if your name is Papa Joe) fashion show for his clothing line Clandestine Industries in NYC yesterday, he was wheeled out Hannibal Lecter style. This is Dulcolax's answer to Hannibal Lecter. Hannibal Rectum. Instead of eating a human liver with fava beans, Hannibal Rectum eats Asshole Simpson's asshole. And that's worse than cannibalism.
The truth is, whoever gave Pete Wentz a clothing line should be forced to wear this straitjacket and mask FOR LIFE!
This is not Lindsay and Michael Lohan putting their Tweets aside and reuniting on the streets of NYC. This is just gaping Asshole Simpson and her pet lame monkey whoring for camera clicks by wearing Lohan masks yesterday afternoon. I guess the costume store was all out of "LOOK AT ME! I'M AN ATTENTION WHORE" t-shirts.
Unfortunately for all of us, the masks were not permanent and the two camera humpers took them off while walking. But I'm sure that after they got home, Bronx Mowgli crawled over to the masks and handed them to his parents. Take the hint.
Or the better question would be, why does Nicole Richie hate herself so much?
So, Nicole is currently working on her own scripted comedy series for ABC. Nicole is planning to star in that shit as some business woman (copyright: Lisa Wu Hartwell) trying to juggle her professional life with her personal life. Think Ally McBeal but with a different skinny ho in the title role.
All that sounds fine and everything, but now The National Enquirer (via M&C) is saying that Nicole wants Asshole Simpson to be her co-star. This must be the work of the DEVIL (better known to you and me as Papa Joe).
A source said, "Nicole adores Ashlee, and she truly believes in her talent.With few other prospects on the horizon, Ashlee - who desperately wants to establish herself as an actress - was feeling down until Nicole stepped up."
Take a can of RAID to this mess! Ashlee barely got evicted from our TV screens and Nicole wants to drag her back to torture us more with her pube-pulling acting skills. There must be more to this. Maybe Nicole really wants to make into the Guinness World Records for having a TV show that was canceled before the promos even hit YouTube. If that's the case, Nicole is definitely on track.
Here's the bomb in Nicole's soon-to-be TV show strolling around NYC with Bronx Mowgli and Pete Wentz.
Asshole Simpson is already a failed lip-syncher, a failed jig dancer, a failed baby namer, a failed Gwen Stefani-wannabe, a failed TV star and now she's adding yet another credit to her glittery resume: failed clothing designer. Yes, Ashlee is obviously trying to get into Guinness Book of World Records as having the most failures in one lifetime. Ashlee does have to step up her fail game since her sister is already ahead of her. Anyway...
According to Star Magazine (via Digital Spy), Ass is ready to launch her own clothing line just like Jessica. A source said, "Ashlee wants to start a clothing line. She wants it to be both preppy and punk rock. She thinks she can really succeed in fashion."
I'm pretty sure "succeed" would never RSVP to a party thrown by Ashlee Simpson. Oh, I shouldn't be so hard on her. She should reach for her dreams. I'm sure there's many women out there who need more clothes to throw into their "crap to wear when you're on your period" pile.
I was about to shout "SPOILER ALERT," but I'm not spoiling it for anyone since nobody watches this mess besides Bronx Mowgli and me. And Bronx only watches it during the commercial breaks for The Biggest Loser. Besides, Melrose Place spoiled itself a long time ago when Ashlee Simpson came on the screen.
Anyway, The Ausiello Files reported today that Ashlee Simpson and Colin Egglesfield (who plays Auggie on the show) are the Rhonda and Sandy of the new Melrose Place, because they have been pink-slipped. The producers claim that it was always the plan for Ass and Colin to be sent to the glue factory after their storylines finished. Todd Slavkin, the show's executive producer, said, "Well, we always knew that this murder mystery would end in episode 12. And we always knew that [Ashlee's] character of Violet would be instrumental in that as a suspect, and [Colin's character of] Augie as well. And once that murder mystery was solved, she would go on her way. That was the original plan going into the development of the show."
Todd said that both Ass and Colin took the news well since they already knew their roles would most likely be temporary. Ass and Colin's last episodes will air in January.
Todd added that with both of those characters gone and the mystery of Sydney's death solved, the show can lighten up and focus on other things like Amanda Woodward. Heather Locklear's episodes start airing in November and she'll stay with the show through the season.
It's a good thing that Ass got the ax, because watching her trying to act was painful and uncomfortable. It was like sitting through church. All of her scenes should come with a prescription for morphine, because you will need it. Laura Leighton's farts could win an Emmy over Ashlee Simpson.
That being said, I don't want this shit to lighten up! If I wanted light and fluffy, I'd watch baby bunnies giving each other a bath on a loop! What that show needs is some Kimberly Shaw-approved craziness. Hopefully, Heather Locklear will once again bitch slap some life into this shit.
That's the only reasonable explanation I come up with as to why Papa Joe thinks it's a brilliant idea for his daughter Asshole Simpson to record an album of Michael Jackson covers. Page Six says that Asshole's pimp is giving her music career mouth-to-mouth (Papa Joe's chonies just filled up) by pitching the album to executives.
I have a feeling that Asshole's "boar with bad allergies getting butt fucked with a taser gun" voice singing "Thriller" would cause Michael Jackson to rise from the dead so that he could moonwalk all over her mouth hole! Maybe that's not such a bad thing after all.