Ashlee Simpson

I was about to shout "SPOILER ALERT," but I'm not spoiling it for anyone since nobody watches this mess besides Bronx Mowgli and me. And Bronx only watches it during the commercial breaks for The Biggest Loser. Besides, Melrose Place spoiled itself a long time ago when Ashlee Simpson came on the screen.

Anyway, The Ausiello Files reported today that Ashlee Simpson and Colin Egglesfield (who plays Auggie on the show) are the Rhonda and Sandy of the new Melrose Place, because they have been pink-slipped. The producers claim that it was always the plan for Ass and Colin to be sent to the glue factory after their storylines finished. Todd Slavkin, the show's executive producer, said, "Well, we always knew that this murder mystery would end in episode 12. And we always knew that [Ashlee's] character of Violet would be instrumental in that as a suspect, and [Colin's character of] Augie as well. And once that murder mystery was solved, she would go on her way. That was the original plan going into the development of the show."

Todd said that both Ass and Colin took the news well since they already knew their roles would most likely be temporary. Ass and Colin's last episodes will air in January.

Todd added that with both of those characters gone and the mystery of Sydney's death solved, the show can lighten up and focus on other things like Amanda Woodward. Heather Locklear's episodes start airing in November and she'll stay with the show through the season.

It's a good thing that Ass got the ax, because watching her trying to act was painful and uncomfortable. It was like sitting through church. All of her scenes should come with a prescription for morphine, because you will need it. Laura Leighton's farts could win an Emmy over Ashlee Simpson.

That being said, I don't want this shit to lighten up! If I wanted light and fluffy, I'd watch baby bunnies giving each other a bath on a loop! What that show needs is some Kimberly Shaw-approved craziness. Hopefully, Heather Locklear will once again bitch slap some life into this shit.

That's the only reasonable explanation I come up with as to why Papa Joe thinks it's a brilliant idea for his daughter Asshole Simpson to record an album of Michael Jackson covers. Page Six says that Asshole's pimp is giving her music career mouth-to-mouth (Papa Joe's chonies just filled up) by pitching the album to executives.

I have a feeling that Asshole's "boar with bad allergies getting butt fucked with a taser gun" voice singing "Thriller" would cause Michael Jackson to rise from the dead so that he could moonwalk all over her mouth hole! Maybe that's not such a bad thing after all.

While strolling around NYC yesterday, Bronx Mowgli looked at the camera and gave a "Do you see this stupid shit I have to put up with?" face. He's got the "emancipation twinkle" in his eyes. Yeah, Bronx, I can't believe two giant penis people made a human being either.

And don't tell Bronx this, but he sort of looks a little Papa Joe-ish in the face, right? Just what he needs!

Because we need her to come back and blow up Melrose Place all over again. This shit looks horrific and mainly because Asshole Simpson is in it. Someone please put a butt plug on her (not you, Papa Joe).

These are the first few stills from the new Melrose Place which will terrorize our TVs in the Fall on The CW. Spoiler alert! It will be canceled a week later. Naw. The CW doesn't play that. They like to slowly torture us.

The cast includes: Stephanie Jacobsen, Colin Egglesfield, A Big Asshole, Shaun Sipos, Katie Cassidy, Michael Rady and Jessica Lucas. Sydney Andrews is in some of the stills below, but I don't even think her brilliance can save this shit. I'm still going to jump into my bong and give it a shot.

And how long before Jessica Simpson has run out of yard sales to perform at and is forced to guest star on this mess?

The sun is shining on Bronx Mowgli, because if this shit is true, he might not have the worst name in the Wentz-Simpson family for long! Star Magazine (via Ace Showbiz) is saying that Asshole Simpson is knocked up with her second babeh. Don't ask me how Ass and Pete continue to make babies together, because there's no way he has ever put his penis into her vagina. Every time he tries, he probably giggles so hard that he goes pee pee. And unless you're Kim Kardashian, piss on the pussay is a total mood killer.

Some source said that the new emofetus has only been marinating in there for a few weeks. Ass is apparently thrilled, because she thinks she will give birth to a magical Band-Aid that will fix her shitty marriage. The source went on, "She loves Pete and wants to hang on to him. She believes this second baby will really clinch the deal. He (Pete) thinks a second kid could change things for the worse. He doesn't want to be tied down and stuck at home all the time."

Everyone knows babies fix fucked up marriages! Their diarrhea is like glue! And their neverending screeches in the night is like a romantic lullaby that will make your husband fall in love with you all over again.

But who cares about that? I just care about the name! I hope they stick with the same theme.... I'm thinking Staten Island Baloo? New Jersey Turnpike Kaa? Queensborough Bridge King Louie? Or maybe Papa Joe will step up his baby whoring game and go for something like People Magazine Gerber Wentz-Simpson?

Here's the two prime candidates for sterilization at a T-Mobile event last night.

Asshole Simpson had a sad face in her heart when she had to leave her husband to go back home and take care of Bronx Mowgli. Ass was with Pete Wentz for a few of his shows, but couldn't go with him to Las Vegas. Asshole let her out sadness through Twitter, "I am beyond sad to leave my love... My heart is breaking as we drive home. I need my hubs."

Meanwhile in a hotel room in Vegas, Petey was bumping vaginas with a bunch of hos. After a Fall Out Boy concert at the Palms Casino on April 5th, Pete partied with 50 skanks including his band members, a few dancers and his friends. Some ho who was there told Star Magazine, "Everybody was going absolutely crazy. People were even drunkenly playing makeshift Slip 'n' Slide with a mat and lubricant. And Pete was in great spirits. He was dancing and singing along to his band's own songs, grinding up against the dancers."

Lube 'n' Slide? That sounds like something Tommy Girl scoots his ass over in between butt fucks during a Scientolo-orgy.

You know, Asshole was just putting on an act with her Twitter post. Bitch was probably relieved that Pete wasn't at home, locked in the bathroom, using her flat iron to straighten his pubes out and using her eyeliner to paint lipstick on his peen hole.

Although, looking at these pictures of him with hos probably made her a little weepy. I mean, Pete can't grind on Ass like that without busting into a giggle fit. It's still a miracle that Ass got pregnant since I doubt his ladyfinger ever went into her flower garden. Pete must have just busted one on the toilet seat and forgot to clean it up. Ass didn't notice it when she went to make a pee....VOILA! Baby!

While Pete Wentz is out partying, chugging his own piss and doing douche bag stuff, Asshole Simpson is sitting at home alone with Bronx Mowgli giving her major bitchface. He's still not over that NOT FUNNY name. Because Asshole only has Bronx's evil eye to keep her warm at night, she's fucking pissed that her twatardian husband is out living it up.

A source told Page Six that there's trouble in doucheland, "Ashlee and Pete are on the rocks. He is going out all the time and she's stuck at home. It's just not working." Of course, their spokesbitch denies this.

I agree that it's not working. You know what else isn't working? Them being parents. They already failed the first test with the name. So everyone should just go their separate ways. Asshole can crawl back under Papa Joe's sweaty ballsack. Pete can grab his dildo and retire to the Hot Topic storage shelf that has had his name on it for years. And Bronx Mowgli can swing into the jungle where the wolves and Baloo are waiting to raise him.

Expect this to be the main event at the inaugural Douchebag Olympics! In this clip, Pete Wentz partakes in a little water sports action with a game of Piss Roulette. Yup, it's just as it sounds. Pete takes 10 empty water bottles, fills 9 with apple juice and unloads his douche water in the other. Then throughout the night, he drinks from each bottle until he gets to the one filled with his own piss.

This dick bag is a father. This fucktardian has a child. Dear Bronx Mowgli, it's never too early to file for emancipation! I'm sure every judge in this land will fast-track that shit.

At around the 7:15 mark, it looks like Pete might have gotten a taste of his peen juices. He makes a face, sort of shrugs and then chugs it. It's probably not so bad since he licks on a nasty fucking Asshole Simpson every night. It tastes like Orange Shasta compared to that nastiness.

VIA ecctv@ONTD

There's good news and truly horrific awful bad news. The good news is that it looks like Asswipe Simpson's "music" career is still stuck between two rock hard butt nuggets in the toilet. The nightmare-inducing bad news it that because of this, she's going to be on the new Melrose Place. And my Tivo just threw itself out the window.

Michael Ausiello over at Entertainment Weekly says that Bronx Mowgli's mommy will play Violet, a small-town girl with a nose made out of old Barbie parts, on Melrose Place 2.0. The character sounds a lot like Sydney Andrews. This hurts. This is like redoing Dynasty and casting Tori Spelling as Alexis. Shove the curling iron deeper into my ass, The CW.

So far the cast includes some whores named Katie Cassidy and Michael Rady. Mischa Barton is still in talks to take one of the other roles. Producers are also trying to get Heather Locklear to return as Amanda. To which I say, "Stay the mother fuck away from this epic shit show, Heather!" Seriously, if she joins this caca party, not only will she be back to swallowing pill bottles whole, but she'll probably turn to fucking crack in order to deal. No, Heather. Amanda Woodward would never ever approve.

Why does The CW hate us so much? WHY?! Asshole Simpson on Melrose Fucking Place?! Methinks they really are trying to go down in history as the network with the show that got canceled the fastest. Because if Asshole and Mischa are on the same damn show, the plug will be pulled before the first commercial break of the first episode. And God will be holding the plug, because he's not going to let a travesty like this go on in the world. Fuck fuck no.

Asshole Simpson was probably crying in her daddy's lap (and he loooves it), because everyone forgot she existed. Even her baby's name is more famous than she is.

So when some bitches started calling Jessica a fat fuck cow who uses the jelly in donuts to brush her teeth and smothers her face in cake frosting before bedtime so that if she wakes up in the middle of the night there's a delicious surprise waiting for her, Asshole found an opportunity to get a little attention. The poster child for famewhoring wrote this on her blog:

I am completely disgusted by the headlines concerning my sister's weight. A week after the inauguration and with such a feeling of hope in the air for our country, I find it completely embarrassing and belittling to all women to read about a woman's weight or figure as a headline on Fox News.

All women come in different shapes, sizes, and forms and just because you're a celebrity, there shouldn't be a different standard.

Is this something you would say to your wife, daughter, mother, grandmother, or even a friend? I seriously doubt it. How can we expect teenage girls to love and respect themselves in an environment where we criticize a size 2 figure?

Now can we focus on the things that really matter.

Somewhere in the world, Ashlee's old nose is thinking, "Bitch, shut up."

Asshole should really consult with Jessica before she pulls a JLove and starts throwing around the "size 2" shit. Jessica responded to the "You so fat that you start beeping when you back up" jokes to OK!, "Going from a size 2 to a size 8, that's not fat. If I weren't Jessica Simpson, no one would care."

In Asshole's defense, she can only count up to 2.

And what does the president have to do with Jessica's fopa? I'm going to start using that excuse when the creditors call, "I'm disgusted that you are calling me about being ten payments behind. It's only been a week since the inauguration. Let's focus on the things that really matter!"

P.S. - You can go back to forgetting that fucktard named Ashlee Simpson. Delete and reboot.