Jessica Simpson somehow found the strength to pull herself out of the fetal position she curled into the second she found out Hostess was dead (or not) and she put on an oh-so-brave face to sign autographs with her sister Ashlee Simpson at an event for her shoe collection at Dillard's in Tampa, FL on Saturday afternoon. UsWeekly says that Jessica has lost around 60 pounds of chunk ever since Weight Watchers waved a multi-million dollar check at her face and I'm guessing that about 5 of those pounds were lost after she cut her feet off! Bitch, your jeans ate your toes.
I know some shorties wear shoe-covering boot cut jeans to make themselves look taller, but I don't get how not having VF (visible feets) makes a ho look taller. It just makes Jessica Simpson look she's got toe-less hooves. I feel like she should be shaking a plastic tub full of coins while singing, "I have no feets."
Why didn't I see this coming? The frosted hair, the chunky silver bracelets bought online at BelloMarc, the obsession with chichis, the wardrobe from Structure circa 1998, the way his hair seems to naturally swoop by itself like he's an albino flamingo dancing in the wind.... Papa Joe Simpson was a peen lover this entire time! Now that I look at him, Papa Joe does look like that late-in-life gay at a Central Florida gay club who always has some kind of sugary green cocktail in his hand and who always dances something extra to the beat of a Cher song, because the last time he danced to a Cher song he was surrounded by the straights and had to keep his fierceness bottled up inside. But now that he's free, he's going to let all his glitter out!
And here I was thinking that he was just your regular straight Baptist preacher from Texas. They're all like that!
The National Enquirer (via Radar) says that Papa Joe's 34 year marriage to Jessica and Ashlee's mother, Tina Simpson, died, because she found out about his natural love for the peen. Papa Joe couldn't keep his gayness a secret anymore, so he finally bulldozed through the closet door, so says some anonymous source:
“Joe got the family together about two months ago and came out of the closet. He told them that he’d tried to continue in his marriage to Tina, but he couldn’t go on any longer and deny the fact that he had these feelings for men. Joe said it wasn’t fair to her, and it wasn’t fair to him.”
And when Papa Joe was pulled over for DUI over two months ago, his 20-year-old boyfriend was sitting next to him in the car.
I do feel a little lied to. A thick layer of EWWW would cover my skin every time Papa Joe would lay his eyeballs on his daughter's titties and I was getting grossed out for nothing. Papa Joe wasn't thinking about motorboating the Jesus out of Jessica's tits. Papa Joe was simply just paying homage to a pair of magnificent chichis. (Or maybe he was imagining his daughter's chest as the supple butt cheeks of a 20-year-old boy toy. If that's the case, I still had every right to be grossed out.)
If this is true and Papa Joe really is coming out, then I can't wait to witness his non-stop gay party parade. You know he's got a few short-sleeve mock turtleneck Spandex shirts hanging in the back of his closet that he's just been itching to pull out. Show us, bitch!
When Jessica Simpson gets a call on the hot dog phone next to her bed in the middle of the night on a Saturday, it's usually from a drunken Papa Joe asking her what she's wearing. But on the night of August 4th, Papa Joe called Jessica Simpson on the hot dog phone next to her bed to ask her to pick him up from jail....and then he asked her what she was wearing. TMZ says that Papa Joe put his Christian pastor values to good use last Saturday night when he drank some of the fermented blood of Christ before getting in his car to drive down Ventura Blvd. in Sherman Oaks.
Papa Joe was driving along when a flashing police siren in his rear-view mirror made whatever buzz he had left in his system slip out of his b-hole, because his drunk time drive party for one was officially over. The cops walked up to Papa Joe's window and got the feeling that he was under the influence of booze, so they arrested him, took him down to jail and kept him there the entire night. Papa Joe was released the next morning without having to pay bail. Criminal charges against him haven't been filed yet.
Nowhere in TMZ's report does it say that the cop tested Papa Joe's state of drunkenness with a sobriety test or a breathalyzer blow, so I'm guessing the officers just got the sense that he was boozed up. Was it because Papa Joe pulled a Randy Travis and wasn't wearing pants when they pulled him over? Because Papa Joe never drives with pants on. Papa Joe always keeps it pant-less while driving, because he's always prepared to tickle his down low parts with one hand as a sexy young piece next to his car walks down the street. And it would be highly irresponsible of Papa Joe to use both of his hands to take his pants off while driving. Maybe the cops figured Papa Joe was drunk, because when they walked up to his window, he told them to squeeze them titties together and shake, shake, shake 'em for daddy, bitch. That doesn't mean Papa Joe's drunk! Because both Jessica and Ashlee will tell you that he does that even when he's sober.
Since I like to think of myself as an evolving chameleon whose tastes are always changing (see: ten thousand annoying daily posts on Anderson Cooper, Prince Hot Ginge, Phoebe Price, Shauna Sand and man nipples for the last 6 years straight), it might be time to let go of exquisite eyebrow situations and let them fly so I can devote all of my everything to the newest comeback bitch on the scene: CHOLA LIP LINER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And the reigning queen of the chola lip liner movement is definitely the bow-legged drunk swan Spaz de la Huerta!
At the season 2 premiere of Boardwalk Empire in NYC last night, Spaz slathered her lips in a dim shade of lipstick (I think it's called "Morning Abortion") and let her liner (in shade "Cheek Hickey") be the star of her face. Spaz naturally looks like she's trying to hold back a barf ball in her throat, but that perfectly-applied lip liner makes it look like she just vommed up massive amounts of glamour and elegance.
All of you aspiring beauties out there need to take note and head directly to the Wet 'N Wild section at Walgreens. What woman wouldn't want to look like she had lips full of burgundy paint at the beginning of the night but left most of it on the plastic cup of boxed rosé she guzzled from for hours? What woman wouldn't want to look like she doesn't have to reapply when she gives a beej in the last stall in the men's room? What woman wouldn't want to look like a cartoon moustache and a cartoon smile are hugging her lips?
The answer: Any woman who just doesn't know.
Chola lip liner also serves as a priceless security tool. It lets all of your arch rivals and the hating bitches around you know that you do have razors stuck in your hair so they better not even think of coming at you.
All hail the mainstream return of a beauty classic!
And here's who was apart of history (not really) last night: Lady Lip Liner herself, Michael Pitt with hipster Olive Oyl, Ricky Gervais with Jane Fallon, Kimber Henry, Gretchen Mol, Chris Crocker with Vincent Piazza, Marky Mark with 16-year-old Nicola Peltz and Steve Buscemi with Jo Andres.
All is well again! Pete Wentz has kept the kitty hairball off his head and Papa Joe has convinced us to put the stunt queen crown back on his head by sending these two out for a hand-holding photo opportunity at Starbucks yesterday. Even the baby Harpo Marx that is Bronx Mowgli is not falling for this pre-April foolery. No, that's just my bitterness leaking all over the keyboard again (Hazmat is on their way). Of course these two are in love again! Nothing says "the divorce is off" like schlemiel schlemazel-ing in a Starbucks parking lot while one of you is dressed like Freddy Krueger after an Urban Outfitters makeunder.
Sometime between getting Double Doubles with Ashlee Simpon at In-N-Out on Saturday and getting Chalupas with Ashlee Simpson at Taco Bell on Sunday, Pete Wentz prematurely sent the Chia Cat on his head to the pet cemetery and posted a picture of the massacre on his blog.
Just when I was starting to get into Pete looking like he should be painting landscapes on PBS, he has to rock the Flowbee fantastic. Oh well, I guess have to adjust my emotions and now get used to the fact that Pete's new haircut makes me want to sit him on my freshly made bed with his thumb in his mouth. On a positive note, Pete graciously donated his locks to an organization that helps the pubically challenged.
And now if you'll excuse me, I have to hang my laptop over the laundry line so the slobber bombs that dropped on my keyboard from typing "In-N-Out"can dry off.
Over at E! News they have a picture of Ashlee Simpson engaging in some light public displays of affection with a dude who goes by the name of Craig Owens. Craig is in a band called D.R.U.G.S and just so happens to be one of Pete Wenz's best friends. Yes, Pete just didn't double over because his neck couldn't take the weight of his new fro. Just when Pete was getting over getting stabbed in the ass by Ashlee's chin, he just got stabbed again by Craig's shank! Now Pete has a real reason to be extra angsty during shows.
A source tells UsWeekly that Pete is the one who helped Craig put together the band D.R.U.G.S and can't believe this is how he's being repaid! The source kept laying it on thick, "Pete did a lot for this guy. Craig was in another band and got kicked out. Pete found Craig, built a band around him and signed him. He's shocked at how this guy is repaying him."
But a different source says that Pete doesn't need to take a can of spray paint to Craig's skateboard and write "SK8WHORE" on it, because Ashlee is just spending time with him. This source says that Craig is comforting Ashlee and helping her through this difficult time. Yeah, we all know how that goes.
One minute you're crying on their shoulders, the next minute you're using your tears as lube to ride that shit and fuck the hurt away. Comforting, my ass. I mean, comforting Asheel's ass. But isn't it funny that just as Pete let his fro bloom, Ashlee dropped him and picked up a dude who has a mop that is almost identical to hers? Narcissist and FRO HATER!
Did you really for a second think that Papa Joe was going to let this divorce drama wrap up without stroking every droplet of attention out of it? So I bet Papa Joe totally whispered in Ashlee Simpson's ear, "I'm not wearing any chonies." No, Papa Joe advised Ashlee to file for primary custody of Manhattan Chuchundra. That way the court dwellers at TMZ would get a hold of the documents and BAM! There's Ashlee's name right under a red banner that says EXCLUSIVE. When Ashlee lit up over this idea, Papa Joe took the opportunity to ask if he could roll around naked in her dirty laundry later. Ashlee turned him down. Better luck next time, Joe.
TMZ reports that Pete Wentz and Ashlee are about to go to court to fight for custody of their son. Ashlee wants primary, and Pete wants joint. Pete filed papers today asking the judge for joint physical and legal custody. Ashlee has yet to respond to Pete's response.
No reason was given as to why they are fighting over this shit, but maybe it has something to do with the rumor going around that Pete doesn't like that Ashlee is letting skater boys do Everclear shots off her chin all night.
Pete's case for joint custody was strong until these pictures of him with Bronx Mowgli came out yesterday. This is Ashlee's entire defense right here. Because carrying your son around while looking like a flood-fearing Chia Pet hipster counts as child humiliation.
I knew it. Ever since Ashlee Simpson broke the house that Hot Topic built by filing for divorce from the Emo Chia Pet, Pete Wentz, he's been crying out a waterfall of sad tears that has sucked every bit of moisture from his hair and left the top of his head looking like a Kardashian's unshaven armpit. Ashlee's side put the blame on Pete by saying she wanted to live a simple life with their son Queens Shere Khan, but he continued to travel the world with his band. Now Pete's side is putting their gayliner on extra thick and heading into battle against Ashlee. They claim that as their marriage started to crumble like her vocal cords whenever she tries to sing, she stayed out until dawn.
A source tells UsWeekly that Ashlee regularly used her chin to muddle mojitos and other boozy beverage for hot skaters in San Clemente. While Pete was away, the chin did play! The source puts it like this, "Ashlee has been out late partying for the past few months. Pete would constantly check in on Ashlee, and he'd have his friends call the house and her cell to make sure she said she was where she said she was going to be. He felt like he couldn't trust her."
And there's more! A different source tells Popeater that Papa Joe has once again stuck his fupa (I mean that both figuratively and literally) between his daughter and her husband. Papa Joe loves it that Ashlee is single again and he has her right where he wants her, "Joe is doing nothing to encourage Ashlee to give the marriage another try, if only for the sake of her son. Joe likes being the only man in his daughters' lives and is happy that Ashlee has moved back into his home [in Encino, Calif.], just like Jessica did after she announced she was leaving Nick. Joe got rid of Nick, and now he is saying goodbye to Pete."
Ashlee Simpson is as dumb as Jessica Simpson's toilet for moving back in with Papa Joe. If Ashlee boozed a lot while she was living with Pete, then she's going to stay DRUNK while living with Papa Joe. Bitch is going to have to down a full-bottle shot of boric acid every time Papa Joe shimmies into her room, drops his chonies and declares, "Look! Thanks to a bottle of black RIT, I've got a Pete Wentz 'do down there too!" And really, Papa Joe is going to do that every hour on the hour.
Ever since Ashlee Simpson filed for divorce from Pete Wentz, he's been as sad as the entire flat iron community when he turned his back on them and went totally organic. Pete has been ripping the ass of his skinny jeans apart by getting on his knees and begging Ass to not let their marriage drown in the pool created by his Emo tears. Pete wants his Asshole Simpson back....but she has already moved on. Cold Asshole is cold. So is mine actually, but for a totally different reason.
A source tells Radar that Ashlee and Pete were living completely different lives. Ashlee stayed home with their son Staten Island Baloo while Pete was out softening colons all over the world with his music. The source went on to say, "Pete has been crying a lot to her about this. He is crushed, and does not want it to be over. Ashlee is done, she loves him, but she's ready to move on. When he traveled for work, she had a lot of time to think, and in the end she just felt happier without him. They married really young and have grown apart, she just wants to focus on her child and her career."
ASHLEE SIMPSON IS A HORRIFIC MONSTER! How can she just sit there and watch the emo clown cry drops of Maybelline tar and not feel a thing?! Ashlee's heart is as icy cold as Jessica Simpson's metabolism. Ashlee is going to regret this. She will miss putting a lighter up to Pete's eyeliner pencil every morning. And she will definitely miss grabbing a tub of Crisco and a chainsaw to get Pete out of his skinny jeans every night. Who's going to entertain Ashlee by tucking his peen between his legs and dancing around like a swan before tickling her on the bed (you know that was their idea of a hot Saturday night)?! And put down your hand, Papa Joe! That question was not directed towards your side of the room!