George Clooney

Yes, ER is still on the air. No, I don't know if people still watch it. Yes, this season is its last. Because the show's 15th season will be its last, Dr. Doug Ross will return for an episode or two or three. George Clooney's last appearance on that shit was in 2000. That was at the lake house, right? I think I remember that but I was stoned and boozed through most of 2000 and 2001.

People says that a closed set was ordered to keep George's return a big secret. NBC and the other bitches wouldn't confirm, so we don't know how many episodes he's doing. Last year, George said "fuck no" to returning.

Georgie should lick on ER's nutsack! He owes that show. If it wasn't for ER, he'd probably be holding his barf in while dancing with my arch rival CHERYL BURKE on Dancing with the Has-Beens. Seriously, that show helped make his life! Well, one of the shows that made him super famous. He also has to give up a taint slap to Roseanne and Facts of Life (Booker & Burnett 4EVA).

This might just be another fairy tale from the pages of Life&Style, but if it's not, I will be holding auditions next week to replace George Clooney's place in my no-heart. Life&Style says he might, just might, be dating Parasite Hilton. Barf on me, because this is hurtful.

The two have apparently met up twice just before Christmas. A friend of Wonky's (probably one of her evil crabs) said they had drinks at the Whiskey Bar alone. The crab friend said, "Paris and George sat and talked together for ages. They didn't seem to be aware of anyone else in the room."

Some other source said the two also had dinner with a group of whores at Dan Tana's the next night.

How can George sit there without worrying about Wonky's twat maggots crawling into his pants and nibbling on his peen? If Brad Pitt should ever make George's dreams come true by turning gay, George is going to have no peen to offer him!

I know George loves the sluts, but this is just beyond. Wonky isn't just your regular cocktail waitress who moonlights as a professional dick sucker at night, she's a straight-up nuclear zone. If he wants to find another beard to replace Robot Call Girl, he should try to find one that's not going to make him the free clinic's #1 customer. Besides, Wonky probably can't even strap-on for him! Whenever something rubbery gets close to her puss-inferno, it melts into a puddle. That would make George sad!

Here's Wonky still terrorizing Australia yesterday. KEEP HER!

George Clooney dodges marriage the same way most gynecologists dodge Wonky McValtrex's diseased snatch. Well, the man who wants nothing to do with marriage has spoken out against California's gay marriage ban.

Georgie told E!'s Ted Casablanca: "At some point in our lifetime, gay marriage won't be an issue, and everyone who stood against this civil right will look as outdated as George Wallace standing on the school steps keeping James Hood from entering the University of Alabama because he was black."

Ignore all those words he said. Forget that. He was really saying, "Michael, if you make Prop. 8 disappear, I will marry you legally in California without a pre-nup." Seriously, he said that! Put your ear to his statement above. Tell me you don't hear what I hear. I'm not crazy! I even asked my dog and he heard the exact same thing I did. I'm not insane! Take that, Robot Call Girl!

George! I will make it go away. I will trade the Mormons my stash of Mother's Cookies if they drop that Prop 8 shit. Hey, Mother's Cookies are a hot commodity! Or maybe I can offer them a month-long visit with Spaghetti Cat. Who doesn't love Spaghetti Cat?!

On a serious note, there's a few Prop 8 protests tonight and tomorrow. There's one in NYC tonight. Visit GLAAD for more info on that shit.

And here's my hopefully future ex-husband and his hairy pubestache leaving Dan Tana's in West Hollywood last night.

In "Burning After Reading," George Clooney plays a sex addict who carries around the "The Liberator Ramp" and a vibrator called "The Silky." Page Six reports that the sales of both sex toys are on the up thanks to George and the movie. Some retail person said: "Small mentions of adult products in mainstream media can have an outsized effect on sales."

That ramp shit is obviously for dude-on-chick sex, but I'm still curious about it. Is it like training wheels? The website says "it strategically lifts your lover's hips to an altitude of 12 inches, offering access at critical angles that accentuate sensitivity."

It's priced at $112. I'm all for using shit to make your fuckey times experience more enjoyable, but couldn't you just use sofa cushions? And that shit better be machine washable. Genital juices start to really reek after a couple of days. Especially chunky ass jelly.

Speaking of asses, the ramp also allows sluts to do it doggy style for longer. I'm guessing it helps keep the dick from falling out. Because when the dick slips out, it really affects the mood in the room. Which reminds me. In straight porn, when the dick falls out, the dude usually slaps the chick's chocha with his peen a few times. What is the point of that? Is he preparing it for re-entry?

Page Six has a little update on everyone's least-favorite robot call girl who fucked up the chance of a lifetime. Sarah Larson has moved on from George Clooney and is dating some Las Vegas promoter who goes by the name of Joey Vanas. Yup, that tidbit is about as interesting as your first morning piss. Although, the first morning piss is pretty great.

However, Page Six also claims Robot Call Girl cheated on Clooney in Las Vegas. She's a double-booker! Isn't that a hooker no no? A rebel call girl! A source said that while she was with Clooney, she "came to Vegas for a weekend and cheated on him with a media mogul." Oprah! How could you do that to Clooney?!

What was Robot Call Girl supposed to do? It's not like Clooney was lubing up her parts. I'm a little curious as to who this "media mogul" is. Although, the better question would probably be: "Who in Las Vegas hasn't tapped her hardrive?"

If your a reporter and you're interviewing Brad Pitt, if you don't ask how the chosen ones are doing, a curse will be placed on you. I'm pretty sure of it. At a press conference for "Burn After Reading" in Venice, Brad was asked how the chosen ones are doing. He said, "The twins are fine." He then raised his glass of holy water, toasted and took a sip. Half of the room fainted.

When Brad said they were fine, he really meant, "They can speak 10 languages, they are on their way to finding the cure for cancer and they just qualified for the Olympics in 2012. They will compete in every single event."

George Clooney, who was also at the press conference, was asked the question he always gets asked. When is he going to get married and have kids? He said, "I am so surprised to hear that question. This honestly is the first time I've ever been asked that question. I'm getting married and having children today." Brad added, "And until then, I'll be sharing mine with him." Seriously, they should just get married to each other already.

Here's the two old goats at the Venice Film Festival today. Brad, please burn that hat after wearing. Thank you. I also threw in some pictures of my favorite ginge shemalien, Tilda Swinton.

The ink on Sarah Larson's final invoice is barely dry and George Clooney has already moved on! That's what Page Six claims anyway. A source told them that Georgie started dating some other chick months before he dumped Sarah's mannequin ass.

The source went on to say that George knew he was going to cancel Sarah's contract, but kept the relationship going, so that she could get a little more shine in the spotlight. He thought it would help her "career." Yeah, her career as America's #1 ho.

Clooney's new piece has been described as blonde and in her mid-30s. Hmmm...blonde....,,in her mid-30s? Wait! He's totally dating the woman of his dreams, Brad Pitt! I know Brad is 40-something, but in dark lighting he could pass for 30s. Angie Jolie better tell Maddox to get his guns out. It's war.

Seriously, Georgie's spokesbitch responded by saying, "How does one as public as George secretly date anyone?" He's been secretly smashing dudes for a long ass time and has pretty much gotten away with it. It ain't hard to keep secrets. That's what S&M dungeons are for!

Sarah Larson reportedly got some titty sacks put in early last month. Above is a picture of Sarah in March and then Sarah late last month. Fake chichis! A source told In Touch that Sarah's new ones could have had something to do with George Clooney breaking up with her ass.

A source said, "George really didn't want her to get the boob job. She asked George if she could do her recovery at his house and he agreed."

She probably should have realized things weren't heading in the right direction when George said, "Don't get fake titties, but do you mind having a dick installed instead?" Poor Sarah. So pretty, yet so dumb.

The source also said Sarah didn't find out about the break-up until she read it in the media. That's bullshit! Sarah can't read!

Sarah isn't letting a little break-up get her down. She's moving on to bigger and better things, "She likes her new body so much that she would consider posing for Playboy. Now that she's famous, she'd never go back to cocktailing."

Oh, she'll go back to "cocktailing" eventually. But now that she's a famous ho, she can up her price!

Now that Sarah Larson has lost her position as George Clooney's #1 call girl, she's been sent back to the ho factory aka Las Vegas. A friend told FoxNews that Sarah never saw it coming. Sarah isn't the shiniest dildo in the sex store, so she wouldn't see "it" coming even if "it" busted on her face.

The friend said, “She thought they were getting married. Instead, she got dumped. She’s really upset. Devastated. She’s totally heartbroken and doesn’t deserve this. It came out of nowhere. They had made all these plans.”

Sarah had her shot at trapping Clooney and she failed. Epic fail! This was an easy case. Even if they didn't do sexay times together, she should have found other ways. Sarah should have sent one of her hot gerbil friends to seduce Clooney into dumping his pepaw load into a frozen condom. Voila! Instant baby!

Wait, Richard Gere is the one into gerbils, right? Fuckity fuck! I always confuse those silver foxes.

Oh well, Sarah Larson will be showing off her mannequin vagina in Playboy before the end of the year. Believe it!

It's back to the ho factory for Sarah Larson! InTouch is reporting that George Clooney has dumped his call girl of over a year. A friend told the magazine that Sarah has moved out of his Los Angeles home.

A source close to George said, "George is relieved to be single again. He thinks Sarah is sweet and that is why it was so hard to break up with her. The truth is that they had little in common and he just doesn't want to be tied down." Oh, I'm sure Georgie loves to be tied down. Tied down, gagged and stuffed. Just not by her.

Georgie's rep only said, “I can only confirm that we have never commented on George's personal life.” And I can only confirm that Georgie's rep is a smart ass!

Sarah done fucked up! Bitch was supposed to follow my detailed instructions. All she had to do was get knocked up! Shit, she could have even lied to him and said she was carrying his child! Go out and get pregnant by the local homeless man and pass the baby off as George's. Pull some scandalous shit to secure your future!

What the hell kind of fucked up gold digger is she? I'm embarrassed for her. She gives all us shameless sluts a bad name.