George Clooney

Before Vadge adopted/purchased Baby Jesus, and right after her venus fly snatch spit out Guy Ritchie's nutsack, she went out on a date with cocktail waitress aficionado George Clooney. It turned out to be the date that hell barfed up. That's what the Daily Star (via Digital Spy) says anyway. Yeah, it sounds like meth balls were on the menu at the Daily Star holiday party.

A source (aka the internet who is also a skilled writer of fan fiction) said this, "George figured Madonnais a smart, accomplished woman, so why not give it a try? They went out for dinner in New York but it turned out really bad. She kept trying to make jokes that weren't at all funny the entire time and didn't want to have a real conversation. He couldn't wait to get out of there."

Let's just say this didn't happen in someone's acid trip, and it happened in real life. Who would ever put those two together? In order to date George, you have to be a gold medalist at body shots and a master at the art of drunkenly falling off of banquettes while dancing. And in order to date Vadge, you have to be okay with not having fun, because that ho could suck the party out of a Jersey Shore episode.

Besides, can you imagine these two bumping it? Vadge would rip his shit up! It would be like He-Man and Howdy Doody getting it on. Vadge's strap-on would turn George's no-no hole into a no longer hole.

At the Up In The Air premiere in Westwood, CA last night, George Clooney pranced on the red carpet with his piece of the moment Elisabetta Canalis on one arm and his hot mom Nina Warren on the other. George introduced his mother to the paps and then pointed at Elisabetta while saying, "this random woman just came up!" Speaking of random women, Sarah Larson probably disguised herself as an usher and hid under his seat inside of the theater. So George shouldn't joke like that. But what George should do is bring his mother around more often.

Seriously, Nina Warren looks younger than George Clooney. If I had just danced with my bong and you told me that Nina Warren was George's daughter, I'd probably believe you. And if Nina Warren is like every other mother, she probably loves hearing that.

Every time someone tells my mother that she looks way too young to have a son my age, she'll laugh and say, "Oooooh, you so crazy!" But then when they walk away from us, she'll push me and scream, "Did you hear that?! Did you hear that?!" Every single time. I better prepare her for the day that someone says to her, "You look like you could be his granddaughter!" She will explode into a tornado of didyouhearthats.

At a press conference at the Venice Film Festival for the movie The Men Who Stare At Goats, some some topless loon begged George Clooney for a kiss. No, it was not Sarah Larson. It was a dude who announced he loved the peenus, stripped his clothes off and then asked George to put his precious lips on his (at the 1:25 mark above). Surprisingly, George turned his ass down, but said it was a good try. And I bet you George has done the exact same thing to Brad Pitt when they've had too many cups of the sweet nectar and too many puffs of the good shit.

Here's George with Elisabetta Canalis at the premiere of that goat movie tonight. And if you're wondering why Elisabetta is signing autographs, it's because she's famous in Italy. Or as my Italian friend said, "Bitch is famous for fucking EVERYONE." My kind of trick!

George Clooney and his latest piece found at central casting, Elisabetta Canalis, went public (sort of) at yesterday's Venice Film Festival. George is there to pimp out a couple of his movies and he brought Elisabetta along to look purdy while holding his hand on the red carpet. Speaking of his hand, George is wearing a cast, because he's still healing from that unfortunate butt fisting accident. Oh, but in publicist-talk, "butt fisting accident" translates into "car door accident."

And I'd love to see the look on Sarah Larson's face as she curses Elisabetta's name while a drunk frat boy does a body shot off of her at a Laughlin, NV bar. Yeah, I don't think Vegas wants her ass anymore.

P.S. - You know Elisabetta's arm band tattoo really makes George's b-hole pucker, because it reminds him of Nick Lachey.

Everyone is hurting their hands these days! First there was Shia LaDouche, then Malcolm in the Middle, and now George Clooney! Obviously, hos in Hollywood need to invest in the Male Machine. Jerk that junk without the risk!

So, George's rep tells People that he wrecked up his hand in an accident in Italy, "There was an accident and he did break his hand. He was not riding a motorcycle, it was not in Switzerland ... He was on his property in Italy and he shut the car door on his hand."

Shut the car door on his hand? Is that what we're calling it these days? It's okay, George. Sometimes a bitch loses their balance and falls off the bed, taking your fist with them. It happens. Next time, do your fisting stuff on a hard, sturdy surface. Hopefully, the other bitch's ass made it out without a scratch.

George's rep added that he got treatment in Switzerland and is doing FINE now, "The doctor has given him 30-40 years more to live, and no live animals were harmed during the wrapping of the hand. The only reason he went to the hospital was to get a temporary cast put on."

Oh, we've got a fucking hot one here! It looks like Groucho Marx was reincarnated as George's spokeswhore!

Okay, I think I like George Clooney's tramp of the minute, Elisabetta Canalis. The Sun found this still from a movie called Virgin Territory (which also stars crazy sadling Mischa Barton) of Elisabetta as a flashing nun. Holy nipple! Mel Gibson just wet his panties, ran up to the counter and took a number.

Yesterday, People Magazine did a little piece of Georgie's taint tapper and tried to make her sound like she's a really classy diamond who always keeps her pinky up when she licks peen. One friend of Elisabetta's said, "Elisabetta is a beautiful girl full of life who embodies the Mediterranean woman: dark hair and a full figure. Elisabetta is a go-getter who is not afraid of expressing her opinion. In a few years she has built a successful TV career thanks to her determination and hard work." And nipples. He forgot to thank her nipples. They are sad about that.

The two have only been dating for a week, but have already been seen all around Lake Como where Georgie has a house. Basically, this means Elisabetta's expiration date is coming up. The only advice I have for her is (you know what's coming) to put on a Brad Pitt mask, tape her boobies down and Samantha Burke George's ass! Don't be the next Sarah Larson. Do better!

And in case you want to peep at Elisabetta's nipple for Jesus, it's after the jump. In the words of Cassie: "Don't act like you've never seen a titty before!" JUMP!

George Clooney has sent his last piece back to the cocktail waitress factory and is now getting finger banged (you know how he does) by Italian TV presenter Elisabetta Canalis. Radar says that George and Elisabeth have been on a few dates together in Rome while he's getting ready to shoot a movie there. Also, George mainly lives at his pad in Lake Como, Italy.

30-year-old Elisabetta currently hosts the Italian version of MTV's Total Request Live. But she's hosted other shit and even had a bit role in Deuce Bigalow, European Gigolo! Take that, Sarah Larson!

I looked high and low to see if Elisabetta has any experience serving cocktails and came up with nothing!! Bitch better doctor her resume and start practicing balancing martinis on a tray! If Elisabetta wants to stick around as George's facial hair, she better learn the trade! George will put her to the test! If you spill even one drop, you're out!

George Clooney once said that his longest relationship was for 18 years with his pet pig Max. They were so close that Georgie even let Max sleep in his bed every now and again. That makes my tail curl and not in a good way.

Max went off to the great big shit pen in the sky in 2006 which left Georgie with a case of the serious SADS. Recently, George wondered how Max is doing up there in heaven, so he hired a psychic to speak to his pig friend. George apparently told a friend, "The psychic told me Max had a great life with me. He is very happy in spirit and still hangs out with me sometimes. I am not sure she was telling the truth but I do want to believe her."

Of course the psychic bitch is going to tell George that Max misses him. What the hell is she going to say? That the angels turned him into bacon?

But seriously, Max and George had a beautiful thing together. The skanks trying to land George should take note. George loves it when you squeal until your vocal cords pop. He also loves it when you take up the whole bed and keep him up half the night with your loud farting. And if you eat your own caca, he'll fall desperately in love with you. Well, pigs do that! Don't blame me. Blame pigs!

A little while ago, George Clooney was not happy about his latest cocktail waitress/model/dumb bitch girlfriend running her mouth all around town about how she's nibbling on his man cooch. It looks like George has forgiven her, because he has apparently asked her to move into his Los Angeles mansion.

The Globe (I know, I know) says Lucy has flipped her nose in glee and can't wait to be George's live-in taint licker. A source said, “Lucy is totally smitten with George and he’s drawn to her in a passionate way. They’ve started out casual, but things are moving fast and she’s told friends they’re planning to spend a large part of the summer together. She’s talking about moving in with George in LA which is pretty amazing considering they’ve only known each other a couple of months. Everyone’s just hoping it lasts and she doesn’t get her heart broken.”

Heart broken? Who said anything about love?! Seriously, Lucy has a winning lottery ticket in her hands and it's up to her to cash it in. She better not be another Sarah Larson, because that one was just an embarrassment to respectable gold diggers everywhere! If Lucy plays George's peen (and prostate) right, she'll have a money baby growing in her cash oven by July! I know it's a little baby's life I'm talking about, but don't you worry. George will pay Lucy off and then give the baby to Brangelina to raise. Everyone's happeh!

What am I saying? Lucy's stupid ass probably doesn't even know how babies are made. And that's just how George likes 'em.

VIA Showbiz Spy

I know we all got part-times jobs as a cocktail waitresses/models hoping that one day George Clooney will sweep in, see that we serve alcoholic beverages, fall madly in love with us and then whisk us off to Italy where we'll spend our days licking his taint. Well, the dream came true for one bitch, but it wasn't us. George's latest cocktail waitress love is some ho named Lucy Wolvert who he met while filming a movie in Miami.

UsWeekly (via Parade) says that George and Lucy have been bumping nipples for a few weeks, but he wants to keep the whole thing hush hush. Lucy, who is also a model (give me that eye roll), couldn't keep her pie hole shut and is telling all her friends that she's doing The Clooney. A source said, "Her crush may have gotten the best of her. George asked Lucy to be discreet, but she's told friends and they've started talking."

Why are these whores so dumb dumb in the brains?! Why oh why?! When a peen that shoots loads of money comes into your life, you have to play it cool. Especially if the peen belongs to George. One little peep and George is out the door. Didn't these slags learn anything from that dumbass call girl Sarah Larson?!

With George, you gotta put on a Benjamin Button's mask, pretend you're Brad Pitt, hop on that dick and then get knocked up! And you keep your lips shut until the fetus is comfortably ready to pop. Then you start blabbing and collect your check. I swear. Someone should really teach a class to cocktail waitresses/models at the Learning Annex called How To Catch The Clooney in 5 Easy Steps.