Oprah

Tim Bennett, the president of HARPO, just released this statement:

"Tomorrow, Oprah will announce live on 'The Oprah Winfrey Show' that she has decided to end what is arguably one of the most popular, influential and enduring programs in television history. The sun will set on the "Oprah" show as its 25th season draws to a close on September 9, 2011."

The screams coming from millions of stay-at-home moms and permanently unemployed gays may cause all of your senses to shut down, so you better get into your bomb shelter. The end is near. Obviously.

You know Gayle is causing those around her to go deaf from her shrieks of joy, because now Oprah will have more time for some non-stop scissoring. Pussies will go raw!

And what the hell is Tim talking about with that "most popular and influential" shit?! Has he never heard of Dynasty?!

The Three Mighty Os (Oprah, Obama and Michelle Obama) were in Copenhagen to bring the 2016 Summer Olympics to Chicago. Their efforts have failed, because Chicago was the first city eliminated. Tokyo followed, and now Rio and Madrid are battling out to be the lucky city that gets to be flooded with zillions of people. Stock up on your oxygen, Rio and Madrid!

(UPDATE: Rio got that bitch!)

Some thought that Chicago would at least make the final 2 since the International Olympics Committee seemed charmed by Michelle Obama. Maybe they weren't amused with Gayle King's tap dance routine to a song she wrote called "Oprah Is The O In Olympics."

Oprah's strap-on and one of her favorite things (aka Gayle's honey pot) will be working overtime tonight, because The Mighty O will have to take it out on something.

Oprah got in her solid gold jet and flew all the way to Copenhagen to declare to the Olympic committee that she's ready to embrace the summer games! The Mighty O and Michelle Obama will appear before the International Olympic Committee tomorrow in a bid to bring the 2016 summer games to Chicago. President Obama is still trying to decide whether he's going to make the trip. I don't think he wants to miss tonight's episode America's Next Top Model.

The other cities in the running include Madrid, Rio and Tokyo.

Oprah said, "I love and believe in Chicago, and I think it would be the perfect host city for the 2016 Olympic and Paralympic Games."

What Oprah really means is that she'll trade in her puss holder Gayle King for the Olympics. And if they don't do that, she'll buy the damn Olympics herself and rename it THE OPRAHLYMPICS! I shouldn't even joke, because that is totally possible.

Yeah, obviously she didn't slap him hard enough, because Chris Brown is still yap-yap-yapping away. Seriously, can't somebody give him a big piece of wood to chew on, so he can just stop already?

In an interview with People, Chris responded to a show Oprah did on domestic abuse which she dedicated to "all the Rihannas of the world." Chris, who really knows how to beat a pun (pun on pun intended), said, "I commend Oprah on being like, 'This is a problem,' but it was a slap in my face. I did a lot of stuff for her, like going to Africa and performing for her school. She could have been more helpful, like, 'OK, I'm going to help both of these people out.' "

Every time Chris opens up his beaver mouth, out comes a shovel which continues to dig his grave. Lay down and shut the dick up already, Chris! I mean, didn't the judge stuff a gag in his mouth? It's obviously not tight enough.

Oprah quickly released a response to Chris' response: "Oprah is very appreciative that Chris Brown performed at her school, but she takes domestic abuse very seriously. She hopes he gets the counseling he needs."

And that was a slap. Chris, this is Oprah's way of kindly saying to stop barking up her tree or she'll put you in the audience for her "Favorite Things" show. Seriously, only 5 out of 6 bitches come out alive from that show. Speaking of...

Next up on Oprah: Oprah reveals her LEAST Favorite Thing: CHRIS BROWN.

(Image: Wireimage)

Simon Cowell is about to trump Oprah as the highest paid pussycat on TV. Last year, Oprah reportedly made a total of $275 million. If a new deal goes through, Simon's nipples will soon be squirting gold leche.

The New York Post says that Simon is in talks with British billionaire Sir Philip Green to start a new production company that will create TV shows in the UK and the US. On top of that, Simon's contract with American Idol is up for re-negotiation and you know he's going to milk those hos dry. A source said that Simon's new contract with Idol will "make him the best-paid star of TV."

There's no way Oprah is going to sit on her diamond-studded throne and just let this happen. Don't be surprised if you see Gayle King on the ho stroll selling ass in a spandex mini-skirt and leather pasties. Homegirl is going to have to contribute to the family fortune!

While I was going through old pictures of Angie Jo before she became a saint, I found this jewel from 1998. It made me miss the old Angie. Look at her just sitting there in her polyester-blend suit. The Angie of yesterday could easily have a Chico's kind of day and love every minute of it. The Angie of today doesn't ever have days like that anymore. Come on, Angie. Slip into a Chico's suit and give us a smile while posing in front of a palm tree. It cures all. Sigh. Now on to Angie and Oprah's cock fight for power....

After two years, Oprah's reign as the most powerful of all on Forbes' The Celebrity 100 list has come to an end. Oprah was pushed off her throne by Angelina Jolie. Even though Oprah made $275 million last year and Angie made $27 million, the latter managed to whore herself out more in the media. Forbes' list is based on media exposure and earnings.

Rounding out the top 10 is:

3. Vadge ($110 million)
4. Beyonce ($87 million)
5. Tiger Woods ($110 million)
6. Bruce Springsteen ($70 million)
7. Steven Spielberg ($150 million)
8. Jennifer Aniston ($25 million)
9. Brad Pitt ($28 million)
10. Spaghetti Cat (a couple of dried noodles)

St. Angie may rule the sun and the moon, but I still don't think that's enough for her to be considered more powerful than THE MIGHTY O. In a battle to the death between St. Angie's child army and Oprah's army of crazy menopausal audience members led by Gayle King, we know who would win. All Oprah has to do is throw one of her free "favorite things" on Angie and cackle as her followers devour the saintly one whole.

When Oprah was going to be on the cover of Vogue 10 years ago, Anna Wintour jump-started her broom and flew over to Chicago for a little chat. A chat about FAT to be exact.

In an unaired segment from her 60 Minutes interview from last Sunday, Anna said that she had to tell The Mighty O know that her ass was just way too chunkyfied for Vogue. Anna laughed about it, "It was a very gentle suggestion. I went to Chicago to visit Oprah, and I suggested that it might be an idea that she lose a little bit of weight. I said simply that you might feel more comfortable. She was a trooper! She totally welcomed the idea, and she went on a very stringent diet. And it was one of our most successful covers ever."

Only this crypt-keeping cunt could tell Oprah that she needed to drop some fat! I'm surprised everyone in the room didn't shrivel down into little guppies, because they were so afraid of how Oprah was going to react. You know Gayle King probably jumped out the window, because she knew Oprah would take it out on her coochie later on. Oprah put a little bob wig on Gayle's vagina and went at it! Poor thing hasn't been the same since.

I'm surprised Anna just didn't pounce on Oprah and devour her soul in one bite. Oprah could've lost at least 100lbs in seconds.

Anna also continued to offend in a LOLway by saying Minnesota is the land of fatty fatty bo batties who look like little houses, "I'd just been on a trip to Minnesota, where I can only kindly describe most of the people I saw as little houses. There's such an epidemic of obesity in the United States, and for some reason, everybody focuses on anorexia. We need to spend money time and education on teaching people to eat, exercise and take care of themselves in a healthier way. It has gotten people provoked, which is really the point."

Um. Anna, please don't eat my soul, but somebody needs to teach you to eat REAL FOOD period! And I've never been to Minnesota, but it sounds pretty fucking charming. I mean, cute little houses walking around? That's cute! Too bad one of those houses didn't fall on the Wicked Witch of Vogue.

Wake me when Anna takes her comedy act on the road! Bitch knows how to bring the laughs.

VIA UsWeekly

Not since the great Popeye's uprising of two weeks ago, has there been a revolt this big over delicious chicken! As some of you may know, The Mighty Oprah handed down coupons for a free grilled chicken meal for today alone to absolutely fucking everyone! It has created CHAOS! I think a few dozen people already threw themselves out of office windows, because they couldn't get the stupid thing to print. And some whores that did manage to print out a coupon are getting SHUT DOWN when they go to their local KFC to get their chicken!

Gothamist reports that at a KFC on 42nd and Madison in NYC, bitches have staged a sit-in after they were told Oprah's free lunch was no longer valid. One person who was there wrote in, "I went over to our nearest KFC a few minutes ago...and chaos ensued. Despite the very visible grilled chicken behind the register, the manager told everyone with coupons to leave and that the promotion was over for the day. The people there are currently holding a sit-in and refusing to leave until they get their free chicken...or the cops are called. Racial epithets were being spewed, people who actually wanted to pay for chicken were facing a potential beatdown, and the manager ran from the screaming horde. Oprah, what have ye wrought?"

PETA is in their offices right now, laying back and jacking off to this. They are loving it. But seriously, over GRILLED chicken?! I could see if it was fried chicken, but grilled?! What in the eff am I supposed to do with grilled chicken? Stare at it?! Bitches are nuts. They should just go chew on a tire instead, because it probably tastes the same.

You know who else is jacking it to this? OPRAH herself! It's the power of the O at work! Gayle is going to get it good tonight, because this has put O in the best mood ever.

Some whores (including this one) think Oprah's hair is made out of the fringe they use to trim Oriental rugs with, so she went on Twitter and her show to proclaim that her shit is totally real.

Oprah showed off this picture of what she says is her natural flowing locks. Why do I think that hair is attached to that early 90s headband? And why do I think Bebe Zahara Benet owns the deed to that mop? And does Oprah's eye get wonky when she's lie-telling? Okay, okay. Oprah's hair is 100% organic deity hair. I will become a believer! Besides if I accuse Oprah of lying, the government will automatically find me guilty of treason. Punishment: wash The Mighty O's REAL hair nightly with a mixture of holy water and Gayle's tears.

VIA TMZ

Remember when Oprah's all-vagina school in Africa had some kind of sex scandal? Well, in case Oprah used her powers of telekinesis to zap that memory out of your head, let me refresh your glass. A few months after the school opened, the matron was fired after she sexually abused 15 girls. At the time Oprah cried hot tears and said it was the most devastating experience of her life. Well, another sex scandal has hit the school. This one involves students and not teachers.

The Afrikaans on Sunday newspaper (via UsWeekly) reports that seven students were suspended for doing lesbionic things with each other and also pressuring other girls to partake in a little finger-banging action.

A letter sent to the little lezzies' parents read: "You have been found guilty of physical contact of a sexual nature with another pupil on campus, harassment, bullying other girls on campus and of being dishonest by not telling investigators the whole truth."

Aside from the bullying other girls into feasting on the snatch buffet, isn't this kind of shit normal? I mean, if I even walk near an all-girls school, an Indigo Girls song plays in my head and I get a sudden craving to stick my finger in a roast beef sandwich covered in chunky gravy.

And just because they are doing lezzie shit, doesn't mean they are getting a Home Depot card anytime soon. They are just fucking horny!

Oprah should pack up her pet Gayle and head over to Africa now! They obviously need to teach a class on how to chow on the chocha without getting caught! After all, she is the master!