Oprah

Simon Cowell is about to trump Oprah as the highest paid pussycat on TV. Last year, Oprah reportedly made a total of $275 million. If a new deal goes through, Simon's nipples will soon be squirting gold leche.

The New York Post says that Simon is in talks with British billionaire Sir Philip Green to start a new production company that will create TV shows in the UK and the US. On top of that, Simon's contract with American Idol is up for re-negotiation and you know he's going to milk those hos dry. A source said that Simon's new contract with Idol will "make him the best-paid star of TV."

There's no way Oprah is going to sit on her diamond-studded throne and just let this happen. Don't be surprised if you see Gayle King on the ho stroll selling ass in a spandex mini-skirt and leather pasties. Homegirl is going to have to contribute to the family fortune!

While I was going through old pictures of Angie Jo before she became a saint, I found this jewel from 1998. It made me miss the old Angie. Look at her just sitting there in her polyester-blend suit. The Angie of yesterday could easily have a Chico's kind of day and love every minute of it. The Angie of today doesn't ever have days like that anymore. Come on, Angie. Slip into a Chico's suit and give us a smile while posing in front of a palm tree. It cures all. Sigh. Now on to Angie and Oprah's cock fight for power....

After two years, Oprah's reign as the most powerful of all on Forbes' The Celebrity 100 list has come to an end. Oprah was pushed off her throne by Angelina Jolie. Even though Oprah made $275 million last year and Angie made $27 million, the latter managed to whore herself out more in the media. Forbes' list is based on media exposure and earnings.

Rounding out the top 10 is:

3. Vadge ($110 million)
4. Beyonce ($87 million)
5. Tiger Woods ($110 million)
6. Bruce Springsteen ($70 million)
7. Steven Spielberg ($150 million)
8. Jennifer Aniston ($25 million)
9. Brad Pitt ($28 million)
10. Spaghetti Cat (a couple of dried noodles)

St. Angie may rule the sun and the moon, but I still don't think that's enough for her to be considered more powerful than THE MIGHTY O. In a battle to the death between St. Angie's child army and Oprah's army of crazy menopausal audience members led by Gayle King, we know who would win. All Oprah has to do is throw one of her free "favorite things" on Angie and cackle as her followers devour the saintly one whole.

When Oprah was going to be on the cover of Vogue 10 years ago, Anna Wintour jump-started her broom and flew over to Chicago for a little chat. A chat about FAT to be exact.

In an unaired segment from her 60 Minutes interview from last Sunday, Anna said that she had to tell The Mighty O know that her ass was just way too chunkyfied for Vogue. Anna laughed about it, "It was a very gentle suggestion. I went to Chicago to visit Oprah, and I suggested that it might be an idea that she lose a little bit of weight. I said simply that you might feel more comfortable. She was a trooper! She totally welcomed the idea, and she went on a very stringent diet. And it was one of our most successful covers ever."

Only this crypt-keeping cunt could tell Oprah that she needed to drop some fat! I'm surprised everyone in the room didn't shrivel down into little guppies, because they were so afraid of how Oprah was going to react. You know Gayle King probably jumped out the window, because she knew Oprah would take it out on her coochie later on. Oprah put a little bob wig on Gayle's vagina and went at it! Poor thing hasn't been the same since.

I'm surprised Anna just didn't pounce on Oprah and devour her soul in one bite. Oprah could've lost at least 100lbs in seconds.

Anna also continued to offend in a LOLway by saying Minnesota is the land of fatty fatty bo batties who look like little houses, "I'd just been on a trip to Minnesota, where I can only kindly describe most of the people I saw as little houses. There's such an epidemic of obesity in the United States, and for some reason, everybody focuses on anorexia. We need to spend money time and education on teaching people to eat, exercise and take care of themselves in a healthier way. It has gotten people provoked, which is really the point."

Um. Anna, please don't eat my soul, but somebody needs to teach you to eat REAL FOOD period! And I've never been to Minnesota, but it sounds pretty fucking charming. I mean, cute little houses walking around? That's cute! Too bad one of those houses didn't fall on the Wicked Witch of Vogue.

Wake me when Anna takes her comedy act on the road! Bitch knows how to bring the laughs.

VIA UsWeekly

Not since the great Popeye's uprising of two weeks ago, has there been a revolt this big over delicious chicken! As some of you may know, The Mighty Oprah handed down coupons for a free grilled chicken meal for today alone to absolutely fucking everyone! It has created CHAOS! I think a few dozen people already threw themselves out of office windows, because they couldn't get the stupid thing to print. And some whores that did manage to print out a coupon are getting SHUT DOWN when they go to their local KFC to get their chicken!

Gothamist reports that at a KFC on 42nd and Madison in NYC, bitches have staged a sit-in after they were told Oprah's free lunch was no longer valid. One person who was there wrote in, "I went over to our nearest KFC a few minutes ago...and chaos ensued. Despite the very visible grilled chicken behind the register, the manager told everyone with coupons to leave and that the promotion was over for the day. The people there are currently holding a sit-in and refusing to leave until they get their free chicken...or the cops are called. Racial epithets were being spewed, people who actually wanted to pay for chicken were facing a potential beatdown, and the manager ran from the screaming horde. Oprah, what have ye wrought?"

PETA is in their offices right now, laying back and jacking off to this. They are loving it. But seriously, over GRILLED chicken?! I could see if it was fried chicken, but grilled?! What in the eff am I supposed to do with grilled chicken? Stare at it?! Bitches are nuts. They should just go chew on a tire instead, because it probably tastes the same.

You know who else is jacking it to this? OPRAH herself! It's the power of the O at work! Gayle is going to get it good tonight, because this has put O in the best mood ever.

Some whores (including this one) think Oprah's hair is made out of the fringe they use to trim Oriental rugs with, so she went on Twitter and her show to proclaim that her shit is totally real.

Oprah showed off this picture of what she says is her natural flowing locks. Why do I think that hair is attached to that early 90s headband? And why do I think Bebe Zahara Benet owns the deed to that mop? And does Oprah's eye get wonky when she's lie-telling? Okay, okay. Oprah's hair is 100% organic deity hair. I will become a believer! Besides if I accuse Oprah of lying, the government will automatically find me guilty of treason. Punishment: wash The Mighty O's REAL hair nightly with a mixture of holy water and Gayle's tears.

VIA TMZ

Remember when Oprah's all-vagina school in Africa had some kind of sex scandal? Well, in case Oprah used her powers of telekinesis to zap that memory out of your head, let me refresh your glass. A few months after the school opened, the matron was fired after she sexually abused 15 girls. At the time Oprah cried hot tears and said it was the most devastating experience of her life. Well, another sex scandal has hit the school. This one involves students and not teachers.

The Afrikaans on Sunday newspaper (via UsWeekly) reports that seven students were suspended for doing lesbionic things with each other and also pressuring other girls to partake in a little finger-banging action.

A letter sent to the little lezzies' parents read: "You have been found guilty of physical contact of a sexual nature with another pupil on campus, harassment, bullying other girls on campus and of being dishonest by not telling investigators the whole truth."

Aside from the bullying other girls into feasting on the snatch buffet, isn't this kind of shit normal? I mean, if I even walk near an all-girls school, an Indigo Girls song plays in my head and I get a sudden craving to stick my finger in a roast beef sandwich covered in chunky gravy.

And just because they are doing lezzie shit, doesn't mean they are getting a Home Depot card anytime soon. They are just fucking horny!

Oprah should pack up her pet Gayle and head over to Africa now! They obviously need to teach a class on how to chow on the chocha without getting caught! After all, she is the master!

Earlier this month, Oprah adopted two golden cocker spaniel puppies, Ivan and Sadie, from the PAWS Shelter in Chicago. Oprah showed off her new puppies on her show shortly after she brought them home. The blonde chick with the newscaster hair is holding Ivan and Oprah's got Sadie.

Well, I have some sad puppy news, Ivan is now in heaven after he passed away over the weekend. Ivan had that evil doggy disease called PARVO. Sadie is still alive, but is very ill. Oprah has flown in a team of specialists from around the world to treat Sadie. Okay, I lied about the flying them in part, but I'm sure Oprah will not let the Parovirus fuck with her life again!

Oprah released this statement to the Chicago-Sun Times: "I'm saddened by his passing though we only had him for a weekend. I remain hopeful that Sadie will pull through."

And in related news, the PAWS Animal Shelter of Chicago disappeared in a black cloud of smoke late last night.

Gayle King's main spooner adopted an 8-week-old blonde cocker spaniel from PAWS animal shelter in Chicago on Sunday, so says UsWeekly. The Mighty O picked the bitch from a litter of six.

Oprah's last main bitches, Sophie and Solomon, went off to heaven last year. She still has her two Golden Retrievers, Luke and Layla.

Okay, why wasn't anybody notified that Oprah was about to adopt another dog? My ass would have gotten on the next Peter Pan bus to Chicago and found a way into that shelter. Since it sounds like Oprah wanted a blonde bitch, I would've snatched Kim Zolciak's broke down dog wig and plopped it on my head. While inside my shelter cage, I'd wag my ass, slobber all over myself and wink my eyes a lot. I do that shit all day anyway, but I'd turn it up for Oprah.

You know her bitches have the best lives. They eat filet mignon whenever they want it, shit on cashmere and drink only the purest water that would make an Evian bottle weep. Not to mention that she probably thinks it's funny when you bite at Gayle's bagina. Who cares if I'd have to lick up Oprah's toe jam on a nightly basis. IN THIS ECONOMY, that's a small price to pay for a life of luxury.

Oprah's ex-boyfriend Randolph Cook has esophageal cancer and is dying so he decided to write a tell-all where he claims The Mighty O did a little crack in the 80s. And no, I'm not talking about Gayle King's crack. She's still doing that. I'm talking about crack CRACK: Wino's best friend 4 EVA.

In his book (which will obviously be on Oprah's Book Club) The Wizard of O: My Life With Oprah, Randolph said he did coke with Oprah while boning her in 1984. Oprah admitted on her show to doing coke when she was in her 20s in the 1970s. She blamed it on her obsession with some dude.

But Randolph told The National Enquirer Oprah taught him how to smoke crack and the two freebased together for about six-months. He also said Oprah was still doing crack while doing her show. He writes, "Americans have placed Oprah on a pedestal that has been seemingly invincible until now."

If only Oprah had a "Favorite Things" list back in the 80s. Crack would definitely be on that list. But seriously, who didn't smoke crack in the 80s? I kept that shit in my She-Ra lunchbox and we used to light up after Dodgeball games.

If Oprah was doing crack in the 80s, wouldn't that bitch be skinny as fuck? Wait! That would explain this picture. She should've wheeled on a big crack rock instead. And Randolph should go ahead and choose which picture he would like to be display on milk cartons, because Oprah is going to make his ass disappear.

Image: Planet Hiltron

Oooooprah has had an epic battle weight the chunk for eternity and she's been very honest about it with her legions of followers. For a while there, Oprah was at her "ideal weight" thanks to personal trainers, chefs, airbrush artists (see above), lipo-technicians, colonic experts, priests, magic elves and Gayle King. Well, Oprah now says she's fallen off the wagon and weighs 200lbs. Her BMI is 31.8 which is considered obese by Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

In the January issue of O Magazine (via NY Times), she writes, "I'm mad at myself. I'm embarrassed. I can't believe that after all these years, all the things I know how to do, I'm still talking about my weight. I look at my thinner self and think, 'How did I let this happen again?'"

Oprah went on to write that she gained 60 pounds in 2 years because an out-of-balance thyroid condition made her scared of working out. She said she knew shit wasn't right when she almost missed a taping with Cher and Tina Turner, because she felt like a "fat cow."

Oprah is now taking action....again. During the week of January 5th, she will bring her personal trainer, sex therapists, spiritual experts and Suze Orman on to her show to talk about healthy living.

How does this happen to Oprah? She's the mighty OPRAH! She can do anything. Can't she just demand that her fat cells leave her body immediately? Or maybe she can pay off the CDC to declare that a BMI of 31.8 is perfect and anyone above or below that is not worthy.

And she can easily drop a ton of useless fat from her life by ordering Dr. Phil to leave the fucking planet.