Beyonce

As Tina Knowles nearly shakes her wig off out of fear that she'll see security walking down the hallway with empty cardboard boxes in their hands, Beyonce has announced that she has scratched the "Beyonce's manager" part off of her daddy's business card and shooed him away. Matthew Knowles services as Beyonce's manager are no longer needed.

Daddy Knowles has been Beyonce's manager since Destiny birthed out four yodeling wigs a long time ago! Matthew is the one who watered them with the sweat falling off his forehead from working the ho stroll and watched them grow into international superstars!!! Mathew is also the one who drove disobedient DC members into the middle of nowhere and pushed them out of the car with only a cold sack lunch in their hands when they tried to outshine Beyonce. And now, he's out. AP brings the news that will singe every weave in Texas:

Beyonce's publicist, Yvette Noel-Schure, told The Associated Press in a statement Monday that the Grammy-winning singer and her father have parted ways "on a business level."

Knowles has managed his daughter since she debuted as a teen in the multiplatinum-selling group Destiny's Child in the late 1990s and throughout her superstar career as a solo artist.

Beyonce says in the statement that she is grateful for the role her father has had in her career. She adds that "he is my father for life and I love my dad dearly."

Solange's full belly cackles will be busting the floor boards tonight! That's until the basement door opens and she sees Matthew Knowles shuffling down the stairs with his head in his hands. The insulation in the basement is bad enough, and now she has to listen to Matthew muttering "fuckmylife" to himself all day and night.

And Papa Joe better log in to make sure his password is still good, because firing your daddy could be in the air.

Beyonce didn't donate it to that photo bomb beauty in the back for saving this shot. Instead Basement Baby's sister donated the $1 million she was paid to perform for Gaddafi's son. Back in 2009, Beyonce stuffed 1 million crisp dollar bills up into her lacefront after she sang at a New Year's Party hosted by Gaddafi's son in St. Barts. Beyonce's rep issued a statement once everybody started to throw her a "that blood money wig sure looks purdy" side-eye for performing for that crazy bitch's family.

All monies paid to Beyoncé for her performance at a private party at Nikki Beach St. Barts on New Year's Eve 2009, including the commissions paid to her booking agency, were donated to the earthquake relief efforts in Haiti, over a year ago. Once it became known that the third party promoter was linked to the Qaddafi family, the decision was made to put that payment to a good cause.

If your name is Whitney and you need to see the receipts, the Clinton Foundation has confirmed that they received Beyonce's $1 million donation.

Nelly Furtado also performed for the Gaddafi family in 2007 and Tweeted yesterday that she's going to donate the $1 million she made for that 45-minute show to charity.

HuffPo says that both Mimi and Usher were also paid $1 million to perform for the Gaddafi family. Usher hasn't said shit, but Mimi's response was this:

A face that says: "Um. Ahs already spent it."

Those string of whispers that came floating out of the basement window about Beyonce and Jay-Z's marriage being as dead as Tina Knowles' fashion sense were snuffed out last night when the two nibbled on a pretzel together at the Lakers some game in L.A. But I'm still sensing trouble in wig paradise... A hot minute after Pete Wentz let the woolly mammoth rise from his head, Ashlee Simpson dropped divorce papers in the slot and moved the hell on. And now Jay-Z is doing the same thing. It takes a few tubs of caramel tinted caulk, 4 contractors and a permit from the city to get Beyonce's make-up on in the morning, and Jay-Z could easily remove one layer of paint by accidentally brushing his head against her face. Jay-Z better tame that shit if he wants to keep his marriage right.

And I love that Beyonce is wearing LIP SYNC FOR YOUR LIFE shoes at a basketball game.

A fourth remake of A Star Is Born starring Beyonce has been in the mind of Hollywood for a long time, but now that they've snorted a line of Clint Eastwood, it's alive again. Deadline Hollywood is flirting with April 1st by reporting that Warner Bros. has somehow convinced Clint Eastwood of all pepaws to produce and direct A WIG IS BORN with Beyonce taking the Janet Gaynor-Judy Garland-Barbara Streisand role. No word yet on who will play the drunk has-been opposite Beyonce, but I suggest that they complete the trifecta of WTF by casting The Hoff or Gary Busey (who was in the 1976 one) or Amy Wino or Arthur the Drunk Puppet.

Deadline says that Will Smith was thinking of taking the lead dude role at one point, but recently the names Robert Downey Jr. and Jon Hamm have been brought up.

Are they trying to push Liza off the wagon again? This has the potential to crawl past Showgirls on the ladder of sparkly disasters. Never mind that Beyonce has the acting skills of a wind-up toy on its last wind, I have faith that this soon-to-be bedazzled bomb will try to distract us with sequins and wigs. Oh, the lace fronts will be plentiful in this shit. When production starts, we'll all mysteriously wake up bald and later recognize our follicles on Beyonce's head when a Star Is Boring hits the $3 theater.

Clint can't go wrong if his version of A Star Is Born includes a cat fight scene between Beyonce and Ali Larter and another cameo by Sally Kirkland. Oh, and Clint needs to throw a little Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil in there by casting The Lady Chablis as Beyonce's younger sister.

Beyonce's purse closet is now almost as big as her temperature-controlled wig warehouse thanks what her husband Jay-Z put under their tree (made of weave scraps dyed green and decorated with bedazzled moth ball ornaments from Basement Baby) this year. Page Six says that on Christmas Eve, Jay-Z swept through the Hermes store in NYC like a Kardashian and dropped hundreds of thousands of dollars on a bunch of stupid purses that Beyonce probably already owns in every color and animal hide. The words IN THIS ECONOMY have no place in Jay-Z's head.

Some source laid it out like this, "Jay was in a private room of Hermes doing last-minute shopping. He had a guard standing watch outside. He spent $350,000 on Birkin bags, among other things. The buying binge took so long, Jay-Z missed his scheduled lunch at Nello, prompting the restaurateur to deliver his food to the store."

And now we know what Beyonce put on the dumbwaiter and sent down to Solange on Boxing Day: a bunch of orange Hermes boxes, tissue paper and ribbon. Hey, it was either that or some shit from House of Derriere, so Solange totally made out this year! But seriously, if Hermes really wants to double their sales next Christmas, they should put out a line of lacefront carriers and mink-lined wig caps.

Tina Knowles, the evil queen-faced matriarch of The House of Derriere empire (insert hand over mouth snicker here), slithered away from her post at the top of the basement stairs to comment on the rumors that her daughter is currently carrying the heir to the royal weave. Instead of issuing a simple "step off my bitch's uterus" statement to the media, Tina had to do the honors on national TV.

I swear. White Oprah trying to get on The Robin Byrd Show (nobody else will answer her texts) to once again deny everything doesn't seem like a "Bitch, are you serious?" move after all. This is what Tina had to say on The Ellen Degeneres Show:

"I'm here to clear the rumors up. The truth is that's it's not Beyoncé that's pregnant. It's me. I'm kidding y'all. I'm 56. No, no, it's not true [about Beyoncé]. Not right now. With all the rumors, by now I should have five or six grandchildren."

Tina probably implanted that rumor in the media's open womb just so she could go on Ellen to deny that shit and then sneakily segue into announcing House of Derriere's new line of newborn freakum onesies. Shame. Less.

And here's Beyonce taking her unoccupied belly for a walk in Miami yesterday.

In Beyonce's womb right now, a fetus is growing a head perfect for wearing lace fronts no matter what the conditions and is developing quick reflexes to dodge juicy spit balls flying out of Jay-Z's mouth when he blows an air kiss at his baby. This is all happening if you believe UsWeekly's source's anyways. Their source is saying that Basement Baby will now have some new company at the children's table during Thanksgiving dinner, because the current state of Beyonce's belly is: FETALICIOUS.

If I got a quarter for every time a "Beyonce's uterus is occupied" rumor came up, I'd have enough money to hire an exterminator for Solange's basement so she wouldn't wake up in the middle of the night from a moth chewing at her eyelashes. So take this news with a grain of wig dandruff. The source claims that Beyonce is in her first trimester. They also added this, "B was shocked. She loves kids, but she wasn't ready to be a mother just yet. She really wanted to get her album done and tour the world again. "

We'll know if this is true if Tina Knowles bursts into the House of Derriere work room this morning and tells all of her minions to stop making glorified catering outfits and to start making silver lamé diapers and mink-trimmed bibs.

Wigs made from the fringe of long-haired cows found in remote parts of the highlands of Scotland don't come cheap, so Beyonce's mother and the creative director of the House of Derriere has put out a line of clothes for Walmart. I'll let Tina Knowles take it from here:

“I know from personal experience how frustrating it can be trying to find clothes that fit comfortably and that are flattering on me. So, I wanted to design a line for women that is fashion forward but at the same time addresses the problem areas that so many women struggle with. I am so thrilled to partner with Walmart as it allows me to create the Miss Tina by Tina Knowles sportswear line for a very affordable price for all women of many shapes and sizes."

Fashion forward to whom, exactly?! Community theater ushers? Caterers circa 1999?

This mess is the perfect collection for those of you out there who love it when you're out shopping and someone asks you if "this is on sale." You get to turn around and respond with: "Oh, I don't work here." This shit is just for you!

Source: Shopping Blog via Crunk + Disorderly

Solange better start preparing a makeshift bed out of Beyonce's retired wigs, because she might be getting some company down in the basement real soon. That's if you believe Page Six anyways. They're saying that Beyonce is about to summon Daddy Knowles to the basement door and tell him to peek in so that she can kick him down the stairs and be done with him for good. Apparently, Beyonce just can't look at her father anymore after finding out that he did indeed make a secret love child with another woman while he was married to Tina Knowles.

DNA results confirmed that Daddy Knowles successfully put a sperm fish on one of Alexsandra Wright's ovaries. Alexansdra gave birth to a son named Nixon last February. A judge ordered that Daddy Knowles must hand over $8,200 a month in child support to Alexsandra for the time being. They will go to court at a future date to figure out a permanent child support payment.

Meanwhile, Beyonce isn't speaking to her daddy/manager and this has the executives at her label all worried and shit. A source explains, "Beyoncé was horrified to find out her dad cheated on her mom. She always looked up to him, and she is very close to her mom, so this has hit her really hard. She is refusing to speak to him, which is making things difficult where it comes to managing her career. Some people at Columbia now think it would be better to move him aside."

Beyonce's spokesbitch says that these claims are the opposite of the truth.

If this is true, Beyonce should really look at the silver lining on the lacefront. She now has another half-sibling (I'm staring at you, Kelly Rowland) she can torture. Beyonce can condemn Baby Nixon to the basement under Solange's basement where he'll make yaki helmets. Every now and again when Beyonce is feeling bored she'll force Baby Nixon to crank call Michelle Williams and book her for the opening of a 99 Cent Store in Florida that doesn't exist. Then Baby Nixon will crawl over to Florida and get video of Michelle Williams standing in the middle of an empty parking lot with a dumbfounded look on her face. Beyonce will laugh her wig right off. Seriously, think of all the fun Beyonce can have with Baby Nixon!

First there was Sasha Fierce, then Honey B and now B.B. Homemaker! When the fuck is she going to B. Gone?! I'm joking (not really).

Here's Beyonce as B.B. Homemaker in the video for "Why Don't You Love Me? (Answer: How Much Time Do You have?)". In the video, B.B. Homomaker traipses around in pussy huggers, shakes her titties at the camera, splashes around in a bubble bath and spills her martini while crying on the phone to her lover. Basically, it's a day in the life of Gay Al Reynolds from when he was married to Star Jones.

Oh, and this song was co-written by Basement Baby! Put your moth balls up!

via The Awl