Beyonce

Announcing you've got a womb full of baby on the cover of People Magazine or in a Tweet is way too simple and bougie for Beyonce. Bitch always likes to do things get extra. And so at the MTV VMAs tonight, Beyonce swept in wearing a curtain from LaQuinta Inn and dramatically said it all by framing her holy baby cocoon. The sky opened up, everybody fell to their knees, Solange let out a holler from the basement that sounded like angels burping in unison and Three Kings rode in on Jay-Z. It was like the pre-show for the second coming. Or maybe none of that happened and everybody just looked at Beyonce like, "Bitch, why are you posing like my fat uncle after Thanksgiving dinner when he wants to show everyone how much crap he ate?"

People says that Beyonce cradled her bump (that's not even bigger than my gut when I try to suck in during lights-on fuck time) and said that "she's got a surprise." Beyonce's rep also confirmed that the seed of Jay-Z is alive and well in Beyonce's Womb of Derriere.

Beyonce announcing it like a true STUNT QUEEN is just hilarious. Beyonce knew that everybody would lose their shit, shove it back up their asses and lose it again if she just coyly held it like that. I'm surprised a chorus of angel cherubs carrying adorable bundles of wigs with lips on them weren't dancing around her. That being said, let's all hail Beysus Jayssiah Oprah Carter Knowles (that's totally what she's going to name it).

Fishsticks Paltrow's private in-home colonist is probably wondering why they keep sucking out clumps of wig hair along with pieces from the next GOOP newsletter from her porcelain-glazed asshole, and now they know why. During an interview with Elle, Fishy shoved her head all the way up into Beyonce's ass, and Beyonce did the same thing to Fishy during an interview with Harper's Bazaar. The makers of The Human Centipede now have the plot for their next horror show!

The stick that is usually up Fishy's ass shot out of her mouth when Beyonce's head bopped up into her b-hole with this comment:

"She pushes her boundaries all the time. You go to her house and she makes you feel like you never want to go home. She is what I strive to be one day."

Let me fix that for you, Beyonce. "She pushes the boundaries of being absolutely fucking terrible all the time. You go to her house and she makes you feel like you want to go home immediately. Like a prison. She is what gives me hives every day."

"She is what I strive to be one day." Sick. Congratulations, Jay-Z's jizz, that quote just took your title as the grossest thing that has ever shot out of Beyonce's mouth.

Poke at Basement Baby, because somebody's going to need to stage a GOOPervention.

via Digital Spy

Matthew Knowles looks like a shady motherfucker who would steal a fart out of a bitch's ass with his nose and claim it as his own, but would he actually snatch a dollar (or a few million dollars) out of his daughter's wallet?

The ceiling tiles in the basement shook last March when Daddy Knowles announced that he was no longer Beyonce's manager and the two were done professionally. Some figured that Tina Knowles slithered out of her lair of poor unfortunate souls under the sea and coerced Beyonce into pink-slipping her daddy, because he ruined the family by having a secret love child. But according to documents obtained by TMZ, Daddy Knowles was shown the exit door TO THE LEFT TO THE LEFT, because Beyonce had reason to believe that he was stealing money from her.

Daddy Knowles denies the allegations and says that Live Nation wanted him out and came up with the story that he was grabbing money right out from under Beyonce's wig. He says that Live Nation scooped the dried wig glue out of Beyonce's ear and told her that her daddy took profits from her 2011 world tour. Profits that didn't belong to him. Beyonce believed Live Nation and told her law firm to audit her finances. When all was said and audited, her law firm confirmed that there was a thieving thief among them and his name is DADDY KNOWLES! Beyonce immediately fired him. The booming cackle let out by Tina Knowles was hot enough to curl every weave in a 5-mile radius. And yes, if your weave was among those who got curled, Tina Knowles will be sending you an invoice, because the bitch does not go unpaid.

Daddy Knowles is trying to clear his name and has asked a judge to grant him the right to take depositions from those involved at Live Nation, because he wants to know how they came to the conclusion that he's a thief.

Daddy Knowles stole his mid-life face from Squidward, so the emotion labeled "surprise" would not fill my body if this turned out to be true. But Beyonce getting mad at a bitch for stealing? HA. I guess she's teaching her daddy that you can't out-thief a thief! School him, Bey!

And here's Beyonce wearing her shopping wig while browsing the shoe section at Selfridges in London with her mama yesterday.

There's really not much to Beyonce's video for "Best Thing I Never Had." Part of it is a bare bones budget Victoria's Secret ad, another part is her screen test (SPOILER ALERT: she got an F) for a David's Bridal commercial and the last part is her singing in her wedding dress on a hill to the high school prom date who hurt her feelings once. You know, because on your wedding day you really want to take time out to sing an elevator song to a dude who was mean to you a million years ago. Nice try, but no.

Will the Glittery Gays of YouTube grab their video phones, their mom's best lace panties (Note: Make sure you shake 'em out good afterward so your stray pubes doesn't end up in your mother's business. We wouldn't want that.) and show Miss Beyonce how to really do a video on a zero dollar budget.

via HuffPo

Beyonce's mother Tina Knowles not only has a face that looks like it only cracks a smile when it sees Ariel's voice float into her sea shell, but apparently she's also got the diva bitch charisma of a Disney villainess too. During the 2-day shoot for Beyonce's video "Best Thing I Ever Had" in Brooklyn and Westchester County, the lady of the wig manor who keeps the key to the basement tucked safely in her bosom threw around major attitude while her bread winner of a daughter was nothing but nice. You better bow down to Miss Tina and do what she says or you'll end up fighting Solange and the weave-wearing rats for the last Ritz cracker down in the basement. NYDN has the details:

According to the insider, the four assistants (count 'em!) the elder Knowles had following her around were calling her "Miss Tina" — "which sounded like a joke." But it wasn't: "The crew was told to call her 'Miss Tina' if they were to talk to her at all," our source reveals.

Her real inner prima donna was displayed on Thursday, while the "prom scene" shoot was filmed at the Brooklyn Masonic Temple near the Pratt Institute. Tina, who heads the House of Deréon fashion label with her eldest daughter, "flipped out on the camera guys for making Beyoncé stand near the [video] extras for too long" because there was too much conversation going on between takes. Apparently, Mama T was "worried" the lowly extras would talk to her darling daughter.

But it was the other way around. Beyoncé "was fine with [talking to anyone]. She was making everyone laugh."

MISS TINA?! That's the kind of nickname you give to the methed out, homeless drag queen who always tries to hit you up for cigarettes and quarters when you're hanging outside of the bar at 3 in the morning. You have to EARN that kind of nickname! I would say that they should really address Tina Knowles as MISS TAKE, but I don't mean that at all. If Tina Knowles wouldn't have been brought to the shore in a conch shell by Flotsam and Jetsam, then Basement Baby wouldn't be here and then the moths wouldn't have anybody to serenade them to sleep in the middle of the night.

After Stevie Wonder, Michelle Obama, Barbra Streisand, Basement Baby, Tina Knowles and Babyface slathered words of praise all over Beyonce's House of Derriere, she gave the greatest performance of the worst song of the night at the Billboard Music Awards. Of course, I chose yesterday of all days to detox from the good shit, the sweet nectar, corn syrup and fried lard. This was a bad decision overall, but it was really a bad decision to choose yesterday as my straight edge day. Because Beyonce's performance would've tripped me into a basement of balls if I was high on deep fried weed buds and lard margaritas.

Now, I don't think Beyonce should run the world, but she should definitely run every PowerPoint presentation. And she should also run my screensaver library, because mine is total shit compared to hers.

In case you missed it, here's Beyonce's video for Run the World (Girls), which is like the apocalypse as seen through the eyes of a House of Dereon seamstress who gets whipped in the eyes with a weave track every time she makes the slightest wince at Tina Knowles' jacked up designs. To me, the song still sounds like an elephant stomping on a kazoo in the middle of a fart contest and the video isn't helping. It's like every post-apocalyptic movie, blended with Cirque du Soleil's KÀ and wrapped in a thick blanket of Vogue magazine's worst photo shoots. The giant hyenas (which were later skinned for wigs)? Sand fucking a giant zen garden (at the 3:26 mark)? The fuck?

Well, at least when The Rapture comes on Saturday, I can look Beyonce in the eyes just as she's about to enslave me and honestly tell her that her Mighty Morphin Power Rangers gown (at the 2:49 mark) is hot. But that's about it.

It's one thing for Beyonce to wrap herself in a gown that looks like it was made using the gilded sperm of Lumiere the Candlestick and the dusty ovaries of Babbette the Feather Duster, but it's another to stuff herself so tight that you can't even walk. Like an elephant dick in a guinea pig condom. Whenever Beyonce drags Jay-Z to events like last night's Costume Institute Gala at The Met, he always looks like those dudes you see holding their chick's purses outside of the ladies room with a perma-grimace on their face. And now she does this to him?!

Jay-Z and a helper had to physically help Beyonce up the stairs into the museum. If it was me, I would've knocked that ho to the floor and rolled her ass up the stairs. When we were getting ready to leave, I would've set up bowling pins at the bottom of the stairs, told Beyonce to hold her breath and then rolled her ass down hoping for a strike!

You can't even think about taking a piss in a satin sausage casing like that dress. If you even twitch your labia a bit, all the seams will come apart and you'd be all sorts of naked. It's not like 4 peons (or pee-ons, I should say) can prop Beyonce up on a toilet and guide-eth thee pee-eth stream down below. Beyonce could not pee. Because she could not pee, she could not drink any kind of booze. Because she could not drink one drop of booze while surrounded by a sea of perfumed assholes, she might as well have been in hell. Although, if you're an asshole amongst assholes, you probably don't care. Beyonce waddling around a museum is never the look.

Anyway, here's a bunch of hos who obviously asked themselves "Should I trip her? Should I trip her?" while Beyonce waddled by. In order (after Beyonce and Jay-Z): Gis Bundchen with a granola gayelle, a neon marker named Brooklyn Decker, Dakota Fanning, Elle Fanning, Salma Hayek, JLo with Skeletor, RiRipunzel, Madge, Fishsticks with Lea Michele, Sarah Jessica Parker with an Andy Cohen photo bomb and the First Lady of New York.

They tell me these pictures are of Beyonce striking curious poses on the balcony of The Ritz in Paris for a Harper's Bazaar photo shoot, but isn't this how she pretty much starts her day anyway? Beyonce casually throws on something that looks like a blood clot explosion, sashays out onto the balcony and intensely gazes into the world like she's trying to slightly shift the earth beneath Michelle Williams and make that ho go BOOM again. Or maybe she's using her powers of THE GAZE to bust out the light bulbs in Solange's basement. It's definitely one of those. Photo shoot my ass.

Above is Beyonce as Atilla the Wig on the set of her video for "Girls (Who Run The World" last week, and below is the song for it which features a sample of Major Lazer's "Pon de Floor." If you're a high school drill team who is looking for a song that will clear the stands so you don't have to stomp as hard, this is the shit for you! It's also the song you need to experience if you've always wanted to know what it feels like to stick your head in a drum. Play at your own risk below:

Now I know how Basement Baby feels when her entire family is hoofin' it upstairs while she's hiding under a table as the ceiling tiles fall and the walls shake. This song sounds it was made just for the speaker room at Best Buy.

They say this is a demo, so hopefully Beyonce reworks the entire thing when she realizes that the beats are melting the glue off of her lacefront tape.

via Global Grind (Image via Fame Pictures)