Beyonce

It looks like that little exchanging of the vows thing between Beyonce and Jay-Z is going down right now in NYC. Let's all join hands and try to look like we care. If you concentrate really hard on trying to push a fart out of your urethra, you can achieve the perfect "I care" look.

The Insider has pics of different shit like flowers going into a building in Tribeca. Everything is built around white and Roman numeral IV. You can't write this shit. This is some "Footballers Wives" type mess.

InTouch reports that it's Jay-Z personal pad. A source also claims they are marrying in France next month too. They said, “It’s going to be May 4 in France. They’re obsessed with the number four and call it their lucky number.”

The above picture is rumored to be Beyonce's bouquet. If this is any indication to what the wedding looks like, I can't wait for the other pictures. I really hope her dress is covered in rhinestones, baby teeth and Solange's white tears.

It's the wedding of the year second! Everyone seems to think Beyonce and Jay-Z will be married in NYC tonight. The E-Biz has a few details that have been going out to guests. They claim the guest list is very small, the location was not printed on the invitations and guests were told to wear all ivory. The guest list includes Serena and Venus Williams. STA POWA!

You know this wedding is going to be a tack-tack-tacky affair if they tell you to wear all ivory. I hope there's one smart motherfucker that shows up in an ivory coat, but opens it to real their BRIGHT WHITE gown. I'm thinking Solange needs to do that shit. She's already been banished to a life in the basement, so she might as well go down cackling.

Lainey Gossip also thinks it's in the numbers for Beyonce and Jay-Z to be married today:

B’s birthday is September 4th. Jay’s birthday is December 4th. They have matching IV tats on their ring fingers acquired in Paris…

He owns the 40/40 clubs.

Tomorrow is April 4th.

04/04/08

4+4=8

And 4 is the number of times I dry heaved while reading that shit. They would totally get married today based on those numbers.

Beyonce and Jay-Z swaggered into a joint in Scarsdale Village, N.Y and applied for a marriage license today reports People. The license is valid for 60 days. Beyonce's rep wouldn't comment. Why didn't they just call Solange? She's not doing anything but sitting around answering Beyonce's fan mail. If you write to Beyonce and she writes back, "I HATE YOU." Know that Solange wrote that with love.

Beyonce and Jay-Z have been dating since 2002. There have been so many rumors of them being married, divorced, pregnant, aliens, blah...blah...blah... They were probably just bored of looking at each other, so they decided to play an April Foolio's joke.

If they are getting married then I expect an over-the-top tacky fiesta! House of Derriere better whip up a dress made out of albino alligator skin. You know even JLo is going to stand back and say, "Damn, they are too much!"

You cannot tell me that this is Beyonce in a new House of Derriere ad! I don't believe it. If it is her, then Solange has definitely been taking nighttime Photoshop classes down at the Learning Annex. She's been preparing for the day she can finally ruin one of Beyonce's ads. The day has come. Solange is definitely behind this fuckery.

The Fury nailed it when they said Beyonce was copying The Fight Club poster. She always has to be copying somebody. I know a few people that would love to join Beyonce's fight club. Flying wigs!

Beyonce's big daddy has fired back at Aretha Franklin for the statement she released about Beyonce calling Tina Turner "the queen" at the Grammys this past Sunday.

Mathew Knowles said, "Something this ridiculous – it's childish, it's unprofessional. And it's a sad day when egos get bruise because somebody used the word king, queen, prince or princess."

Yes, Aretha acted crazy by releasing that statement, but she probably was working on just 10,000 calories that day. Give her a break. She was grouchy. Mathew needs to shut the fuck up and know his place. Aretha can say whatever the hell she pleases.

He better watch it. I hope Aretha swallows him whole. She can literally eat him whole, bones and all. She will then spit out his bones, put them back together and place him on her mantel with the sign "Aretha's Bitch" draped over his clavicle.

I can't wait for Aretha's response. It's going to be the "big one" in California when Aretha reads what Mathew has to say.

Source: People

Aretha Franklin is not happy and a hot dog with extra cheese is not going to put her in a better mood. Ok maybe it will, but it better have extra extra cheese. She's pissed off, because during the Grammys Beyonce had the audacity to introduce Tina Turner as "the queen." Aretha is known as the "queen of soul" and thinks only one queen can reign at a time.

Aretha issued this statement to People:

"I am not sure of whose toes I may have stepped on or whose ego I may have bruised between the Grammy writers and Beyoncé, however I dismissed it as a cheap shot for controversy. In addition to that, I thank the Grammys and the voting academy for my 20th Grammy and love to Beyoncé anyway."

Um...Aretha, if you stepped on anyone's toes they would be dead. They would be dead and you would be in jail for killing them. That's the truth.

Aretha is CRAZY! A cheap shot? She's the only one that made an issue out of it. There can be many queens. Beyonce better watch it for real though. I wish Aretha would have slapped her. Hell, Aretha could have slapped from her where she was sitting. She just had to remove one of those titties and swung it around. Beyonce would have been knocked the hell out and Aretha would have been happy.

When Rihanna and Jay-Z were announced for winning a Grammy for "Umbrella," Rihanna grabbed Jay-Z's hand to lead him to the stage. Jay wasn't into it and he pulled her hand away. RiRi threw up her hands like "What's wrong?!" Lovers quarrel in front of Beyonce. Jay was probably feeling Beyonce's laser stares on him and he knew there would be hell to pay. All the Knowles women would be on his ass like 3 parrots on one cracker. RiRi and Jay-Z also kept their distance while accepting the award.

People are looking into this too much. RiRi's powerful alien grasp was too much for Jay. She was hurting him. He had Beyonce's laser beam eyes burning into his head and then he had RiRi's alien claw breaking his bones. I would have kept my distance too. Shit, I would have run out of there and caught the next flight to Honduras.

Splash

Beyonce and Tina Turner performed at the Grammys and I really wish it was just Tina. It started out kind of strange with Beyonce dancing around a chair and talking about the women of music. The weird part was that she was lip-synching the talking part. It was like watching an animatronic robot. The words didn't quite match up with her mouth. Then Tina came out and all was alright again. She was like a little hunchback squeezed into some American Apparel bodysuit. She was hot. I mean, she even did "You Better Be Good To Me." I can hear Tina sing "Hot kisses in the night" over and over again. Beyonce came out to join her for "Proud Mary." Beyonce really should have stayed in the back with the background dancers and let Tina do her thing. Beyonce tries so fucking hard and Tina doesn't have to. Tina forever!

Below is Beyonce sort of looking like M.I.A. with her hot ass sister Solange. Poor Solange. When is her time coming? When are Papa Knowles and Beyonce going to let her out of the basement?

There must be some sort of mix-up. It's been reported that Beyonce will play Etta James in a film called "Cadillac Records." Phew, at least it's not a biopic. Cedric the Entertainer spilled the news and said the film explores the Chicago blues label, Chess Records. The label and its founder, Leonard Chess, discovered Muddy Waters and Etta. Adrien Brody will play Leonard Chess. The cast also includes Jeffrey Wright, Emmanuelle Chriqui and Tammy Blanchard.

Fuck, I hope they put Beyonce in that blonde wig. I hope they put her in the wig and don't give her any lines. She is a scene killer! When I first heard this, I thought they were doing a spoof! I would rather see Eddie Murphy do drag for the ten-millionth time to play Etta than see Beyonce no-acting ass try and play Etta.

Source

Beyonce and Tina Turner may duet at the Grammys on February 10th reports Gatecrasher. Beyonce is already getting shit for crossing the WGA picket lines to perform. She's a member of the SAG. Like that bitch gives a shit. She's reportedly rehearsing a special and surprise duet with Tina. Tina rarely performs, so this would be special.

Screw Beyonce! Just let Tina perform by herself. Beyonce always to try out-sing whoever she's on stage with. She ends up sounding like a cat thrown in a tub of ice water. I'd rather hear Tina duet with a cat thrown in ice water than Beyonce.