Beyonce

Sasha Fierce pounced into "SNL" last night to perform that "Singles Ladies (Put A Cock Ring On It)" song and she looked like a greedy, high-powered 80s businesswoman who was too busy worrying about an upcoming corporate takeover to realize that she forgot to wear the bottom part of her Claude Montana suit.

Sasha Fierce is also not going to be happy to learn that her dancers were fucking taking the shine off of her and I don't mean that in a good way. I couldn't take my eyes off of the blondie dancer who looked like she was freshly plucked out from her day job as sweater folder at J.Crew and thrown on stage with Sasha Fierce.

Sasha needs to replace those tricks with this bitch below. I've shown this shit before, but it's time for an encore! Actually, Sasha would never share a stage with homegirl right here, because the lights would immediately go out and all spotlights would shine on him. I'm having a hard time calling Beyonce Sasha Fierce, because this is the real Sasha Fierce right here. Who's going to let Beyonce know that the spirit of Sasha Fierce has bounced out of her body and shimmied into the glittery hole of this hot piece?

BONUS! - Click here to see Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg tuck their junk into leotards for a skit with Beyonce. Justin sucks at playing queeny, but the douche has legs.

BONUS, PART II! - Click here to see Sasha Fierce perform "If I Were A Boy." Those titties were aching to free themselves from that tape and jump out of that dress. Sasha wouldn't have noticed because she was too busy exuding raw emotion into her performance. I also love the fan towards the end of her performance. I wish it would have blown her ass right off the stage.

This is what happens when the bitches around you constantly tell you that you are god's gift and it's your doody duty to constantly fill the world with your greatness. Beyonce wants to play Wonder Woman and has even met with the people at DC Comics and Warner Bros. to make her dreams and our nightmares come true.

Instead of just quietly trying to get the role, Beyonce went off and spoke to the L.A. Times about it, "I want to do a superhero movie and what would be better than Wonder Woman? It would be great. And it would be a very bold choice. A black Wonder Woman would be a powerful thing. It's time for that, right?"

She went on to say that after displaying her raw emotion in dramatic roles like Etta James, Deena Jones and Foxy Cleopatra (HA!), she's ready to have a little fun.

"After doing these roles that were so emotional I was thinking to myself, 'OK, I need to be a superhero. Although, when you think about the psychology of the heroes in the films these days, they are still a lot of work, of course, and emotional. But there's also an action element that I would enjoy. I would definitely have to keep it right for that costume. The way that Lynda Carter wore it, she was sooo fine. She was amazing. I saw her costume at the Met. Her waist was unbelievable. It was pretty crazy, actually, her proportions. But I love Wonder Woman and it'd be a dream come true to be that character. It sure would be handy to have that lasso. To make everybody tell the truth? I need that. It would come in very handy."

Oh, Beyonce. You don't need that lasso to get me to truth-tell: YOU HAVE THE ACTING SKILLS OF A DRIED-UP CHUNKY PIECE OF SIDEWALK VOMIT. Sorry for the caps. The Kanye in me came out.

Besides, isn't Beyonce busy playing Sasha Fart? Wait. Sasha Fierce ruin WW. And then when she's done fucking that up, she can play Scarlett O'Hara and then Cleopatra and then Juliet. Fuck, just let Sasha Fierce play every single female role in cinema. Remake all the classics with Sasha as the leading lady. Then modern cinema can crash and take Sasha/Beyonce with it. And then we can all move on!

You know Basement Baby is secretly cackling with her mouse friends over this shit. Keep quiet, Solange. If they hear your laughter, another one of your mouse friends gets it!

Basement Baby's older sister performed at the MTV Europe Music Awards in Liverpool today looking like a rejected extra from "Tron." I'm beginning to think that Sasha Fierce stole Solange's fashion sketchbook from the basement and is using all her ideas! Suddenly Sasha Fierce is trying so hard to be all avante-garde, edgy and coutardy. That was Solange's gimmick! I bet Solange planned to make this dress using old metal garbage cans. She can't anymore, because Sasha stole her designs!

Below is Sasha Fierce's heartwrenching performance of "If I Were A Boy." Sasha is squeezing out the doody bubbles hardcore during this shit.

And here's some pictures of Sasha and Solange on the red carpet. I know Sasha's douche glove helps with making you look like an asshole, but I wonder if it cures carpal tunnel?

Poor Solange....she looks like so average. She should be wearing that garbage can dress! Not Sasha Fierce!

Beyonce is quickly on her way to dethroning JLo as the Queen of Delusional Egomaniacs. Basement Baby's less-famous sister wants to be called Sasha Fierce from now on. Ty Ty Banks needs to put down her tenhead shiner and file a lawsuit right now! I'm sure she owns the copyright to that name. That's what Ty Ty calls her vagina.

Beyonce....or Sasha Fierce's new album is called "I Am....A Stupid Fucking Bitch Named Sasha Fierce" and it's out next month. Slushy Fart issued a statement explaining her new dumb name:

“I have someone else that takes over when it’s time for me to work and when I’m on stage, this alter ego that I’ve created that kind of protects me and who I really am. Sasha Fierce is the fun, more sensual, more aggressive, more outspoken side and more glamorous side that comes out when I’m working and when I’m on the stage.”

The fuck?! This bitch should not be performing on a stage. She should be seeking psychiatric help for her multiple personality disorder! The signs are all there!

Is Beyonce aware that Sasha Fierce has a dick. That's a bootleg drag queen name if I ever heard one. I bet Sasha Fierce's tuck game sucks too.

Beyonce barely released a video for that "If I Had A Peen" song and she's already put out another one. That's how she operates. Her upcoming album will probably be a box set of 8 CDs and 4 DVDs. Beyonce will release a single and video every week for the next 2 years. Daddy Knowles stretches that shit out.

Beyonce's new video is for some shit called "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)." Bitch needs to put a lid on it.

The video looks like it was shot down in Solange's basement in about 20-minutes. It would have taken 10, but Solange kept running in and ruining the shot. They finally had to handcuff her to the radiator.

I feel like Beyonce's body was going through some shit while dancing in this video. It looks like she's trying to make a baby with herself. It's her "I'm going to shimmy that sperm to my egg" dance.

Don't ask me what that robot arm is about. I bet Solange made that shit for herself using old lawnmower parts and Beyonce stole it!

And thanks to reader Andrew for pointing out that Beyonce jacked this shit from the Fosse "Mexican Breakfast" bitches. Beyonce doesn't even come close to being as hot as these hos. She needs to watch this video below and try again!

The basement baby's lesser known older sister has a video out for "If I Were A Boy." I know. Isn't that sweet? Basement baby's sister is trying to have a singing career. It's cute and kind of endearing.

The video is some dramatic shit. The beginning looks like a student film version of the old CK Be commercials. Edgy, edgy. The rest is Beyonce bringing out the pure emotion. About 3:30 into it, everything stops and Beyonce proves what a phenomenal actress she is in a dramatic scene between her male co-star. It's like watching two snails try to dance. You know Daddy Knowles is going to submit this shit for Oscar consideration.

YouTube has been pulling this shit like mad and throwing it in the basement with Solange, so click here if the video above doesn't work.

Beyonce has a new song out and it's called "If I Were A Boy." I think the working title was "Tommy Girl's Anthem." The song is about if she was a boy, she'd drink beer, chase girls and turn off her phone so that everyone would think its broken. WTF?! She's speaking from experience. That's probably what she tells Solange, "Girl! My phone is broken. That's why I didn't get your call!"

If Beyonce was a boy, would she whisper more, because she screams through a lot of this song. And if she was a boy, she would have the biggest power bottom bubble butt ever. Sorry, Gay Al.

I don't mind the song so much. It's borderline musical theater and good for nap times (sans the fucking screaming). I like it even more when I change the lyrics to: "If I were a girl, I'd play with my chichis....."

And click here to listen to another Beyonce song called "Single Ladies." I quit that bitch after 30 seconds. The sound of pots banging and cats wailing is not what I need right now.

Margarita with one lime? CHECK! One of Mrs. Roper's old scarves? CHECK! The "I'm too good for this shit" face? CHECK! Five bodyguards? CHECK. Hoooold up. Why does Beyonce need five fucking bodyguards to protect her ass?

Beyonce, Solange is locked up in the basement all week. She can't get to you to ask for a job or a leftover weave. She can't bother you.

She probably has three bodyguards on her booty at all times. One is in charge of protecting her enoromous ego. And the other one is there because he's bald and everyone should have at least one security dude that sort of looks like Steve from "The Jerry Springer Shower."

And if Beyonce is going to have 5 bodyguards, she could at least hire hot ones. Hot ones who wear matching thong speedos while guarding their client at the beach. You know they hate her ass. The one in the back is thinking, "Why did I quit my security job at Walgreens for this fuckery?"

What in the "mother of the bride" hell is sleeping on Beyonce's head? Wake it up with a stick. Be careful though, because it might bite your ass. It looks a little hostile.

Beyonce is playing Etta James in a new movie and I guess she decided to keep the act going by wearing her Etta wig during a performance at Fashion Rocks last night. The wig looks more like a cross between Blanche Deveraux and Nancy Reagan. And it looks like wet cornstarch is the only thing keeping that wig on.

You know Solange was cackling backstage with her pocket mouse friend. Solange shouldn't have laughed though. Beyonce already got her ass earlier in the night. More on that later.

During Fashion Rocks, Beyonce joined Mimi, Mary J. Blige, Miley Cyrus and a bunch of other hos to warble through some song called "Just Stand Up." The performance aired during last night's "Stand Up to Cancer" benefit. Basically, except for Mary J. Blige, they all sounded like they had horny hamsters in their throats. When Mary opened her mouth, they all should have politely excused themselves and allowed her to sing the rest. I think Beyonce's wig was trying to make a run for it.

Miley Cyrus should not be allowed to sing....ever again. Bitch sounded like The Chipettes gone reggae. Not a pretty sound.

Here's more pics of Beyonce at Fashion Rocks last night. She also performed with a big fat douche named Justin Timberlake. He should really just go sit in the corner and fuck a bowl of Wheaties.

Beyonce and somebody else's waist grace the cover of October's Marie Claire UK and she tells the magazine that she's over being a pop star. Raise your hand if you're over her being a pop star too? Solange! Put your hand down. The basement ghosts will get you for that.

Beyonce said: "There is a time limit on being a pop star, yes. Being a legend, an icon? Absolutely not. I’m over being a pop star. I don’t wanna be a hot girl. I wanna be iconic. And I feel like I’ve accomplished a lot. I feel like I’m highly respected, which is more important than any award or any amount of records. And I feel like there comes a point when being a pop star is not enough."

She is not right for saying that. Beyonce has millions of dollars, sold gazillions of records, starred in movies and her family probably falls at her feet when she walks through the door. And that's still not enough?! Meanwhile, poor Solange still has to sit at the kid's table during Thanksgiving dinner.