Beyonce

Above is President Obama's #1 fangirl waaaaah-awwwww-eeeeee-waaaaah-ing her way through the Star Spangled Banner at the Inauguration today. Beyonce pulled her earpiece out halfway through, because if you really want to look like you're seriously singing, pull your earpiece out halfway through. Beyonce also pulled it out, because she was yodeling so damn much that it was about to pop out of her ear anyway.

Below is Ron Paul's #1 fangirl Kelly Clarkson singing My Country 'Tis Of Thee. Kelly sang the skin on her tonsils off, but just like stars on the American flag and a single tear drop on an eagle's cheek, this song is not complete without Aretha Franklin's national treasure of a hat. Kelly definitely needed to put a bow on it.  

Because sometimes burning hundred dollar bills in their platinum and moon rock fireplace gets boring, so Beyonce and Jay-Z find other ways to waste loads of cash. To celebrate the birth of the chosen one, Beyonce and Jay-Z spend $200,000 on gifts and a party that I'm sure Blue Ivy Carter will remember for the rest of her life (SPOILER ALERT: Her 1-year-old brain already forgot about it).

The Sun says that Bey-Z invited all of their friends and family to Blue Ivy's birthday party to show them how much she's grown in a year, but mostly to show off all their loads of fucking money! Jay-Z and Beyonce spent $95,000 on the finest pink and white roses even though Blue Ivy would've been happy with a blue carnation from the grocery store. Jay-Z and Beyonce also spent around $30,000 on princess costumes and jewelry for the child guests even though they would've been happy with a plastic bag full of 99 Cent Store candy and plastic whistles. The adult guests got concert tickets and gold pens with Blue Ivy's name engraved on them.

And for Blue Ivy's gift, Beyonce and Jay-Z gave her an $80,000 custom made Barbie that was covered in diamonds. Some source said this to The Sun about the birthday party that cost more than your student loans:

“Nothing’s been too big or expensive for their little princess. They wanted her first birthday to set the tone for the rest of her life. They work hard for their money and the first thing they want to spend it on is their baby girl. It’s hard to imagine how they can top this next year — or what her Sweet Sixteen will be like.”

This is some Rich Kids of Instagram shit. If Blue Ivy Carter is like every other kid (she isn't), then in a few months that $80,000 Barbie will have a butch lezz buzz cut, her body will be covered in tattoos made with markers, she'll only have one leg, she'll have dog bite marks on her face from being a dog chew toy and all those diamonds that once covered her will be at the bottom of Blue Ivy's stomach. Don't worry, BIC will poop out those diamonds along with the other diamonds and piece of gold she shits out on the regular.

Before you are granted the right to interview the permanent president of the Beyonce fan club, Beyonce herself, you have to agree to become a part of the Beyonce archives forever. GQ's Amy Wallace writes in a cover story about Beyonce that anybody who interviews her is taped and that footage goes directly into a massive vault of all things her. Beyonce claims to have a picture of every picture taken during her career and she keeps it all in a museum to herself. So you know that picture your second cousin took from the 900th row at the Beyonce concert and then posted it on Facebook? One of Beyonce's minions (Basement Baby or a forgotten child of Destiny) found that picture, printed it out and stuck it in a file for possible future reference. Bitch keeps better records than the government.

Beyonce stars in her own unaired reality show about herself, because she has a full-time "visual director" (aka an ego tracker) who documents her every waking moment. Correction: The visual director also documents her non-waking moments, because while some simple hos talk in their sleep, Beyonce sings new, original and unique material in her sleep. Beyonce used just some of the millions of hours of footage for an HBO documentary about her, starring her, produced by her and directed by her.

As always, Beyonce kept it humble during the interview and said that as far as she knows she's the hardest-working human in the music industry and she's earned her place as the queen of everything. Beyonce ended the interview by burping up this organic humble pie crumb:

"I now know that, yes, I am powerful. I'm more powerful than my mind can even digest and understand."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That quote is so powerful and it's more powerful than my mind can even digest and understand. Even GOOPY Paltrow is like, "Calm down, ho."

In other Beyonce news, she announced on Facebook today that she has fulfilled her charitable contributions for the year by recording a new Destiny's Child song with the lessers known as Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams.

Beyonce is looking like me when I'm patiently waiting for them to call my number at In-N-Out.

Khlamidiá Kardashian West's (that's what Kim and Kanye are naming their baby, right?) auntie will sing the National Anthem at President Obama's inauguration on January 21st in DC.  No, the "National Anthem" I'm talking about is not "Single Ladies." I'm talking about the other National Anthem. The one perfected by Roseanne. Yeah, that one.

Beyonce yodeled out "At Last" at the Inaugural Ball in 2009 and she must have tingled Obama's ears the right way, because he asked her back. I'm sure stalking his every move had nothing to do with him making that decision. Beyonce's lace front edges will curl when she sings the "Star-Spangled Banner" at the West Front of the U.S. Capitol. People says that the Presidential Inaugural Committee also announced that Ron Paul's former fangirl Kelly Clarkson will try to outdo Aretha Franklin and Aretha Franklin's legendary hat when she sings "My Country Tis Of Thee" (SPOILER ALERT: she won't). James Taylor will sing "America The Beautiful."

Beyonce, Kelly Clarkson and James Taylor?! What kind of Inaugural Ceremony is that? That's not the America I know. This is what the lineup for the Inaugural Ceremony should look like:

The Auto-Tuned National Anthem - Rebecca Black ft. the Backin Up Lady and Sweet Brown

My Country Tis Of Thee/Red (aka The Target Song) -  Taylor Swift and the American Exes (Joe Jonas, Chord Overstreet, John Mayer, Conor Kennedy, Jake Gyllenhaal and Taylor Lautner)

'Murica The Beautimous - Honey Boo Boo Chile accompanied by Sugar Bear playing Mama June's chins like a harmonica

That's what it should look like. But whatever, Obama can have his Beyonce. I'm sure that right after Beyonce's performance, Francis Scott Key will stop sipping his tea to say to the angels around him, "I tell you that woman he had singing for him, singing my words, she gonna get her ass whooped."

Kanye Kardashian (née West) played a little game of "One Of These Things Is Not The Other" when he tweeted this "FAM" (real-talk translation: "VOM") picture yesterday of him, Jay-Z, Beyonce and Kum Kuntrashian. It's like the Illuminati's version of Mount Rushmore. Speaking of dark-sided acts of evil, to create this FAM portrait of grossness, Kanye had to use the crop tool to crop out one of Beyonce's actual family members. Here's the original picture:

Yes, bitch used Photoshop to erase Basement Baby's existence. Poor Basement Baby. When BB's weak from only eating a diet of moth balls and insulation foam, and has finally reached the top basement stair after using all of her strength to crawl up there, the only person she had to worry about opening the door to push her back down was Beyonce. But now Basement Baby has to worry about Kanye West kicking her back down too. Fuck Kanye for cropping the wrong trick out. Kanye should've kropped that skank Kim out instead. I mean, Kim has a place at the adult table and Solange still has to sit at the children's table? This is colder than the time Tina Knowles had to wrap up one of Beyonce's old wigs because she forgot to get BB a present for Christmas.

And speaking of grossness, TMZ has pictures of the $11 million house that Kanye and Kim bought in Bel Air. They're spending even more millions on turning the 10,000 square foot house into a 14,000 square foot Italian-style villa. The extra 4,000 feet is to house Kim's ass and both of their egos.

via Gawker

When normal people go to see a basketball game at a stadium, they usually leave their kid with a $10/an hour teenage babysitter or if they're a Lohan, they leave their kid in the backseat of the car with a bottle full of gin. But when the duke and duchess of the one percent, Jay-Z and Beyonce, go to Brooklyn's Barclays Center, which he owns less than 0.2% of, they drop Blue Ivy Carter and her team of nannies in a luxury nursery that they pay over $83,000 a month for. MONEY: Jay-Z and Beyonce like wasting it!

A source tells UsWeekly that Barclays rents out 11 private suites and, of course, Jay-Z's cost the most. When Blue Ivy Carter isn't slobbering on the walls of Jay-Z's private suite, he lets his friends use it. The source said this mess of words:

"Jay rents a luxurious basement suite for $1 million a year. It has an area for Blue filled with toys. It's all glass with a champagne bar and TV screen. Jay lets friends use his digs when he's not there."

Oh okay, so Blue Ivy Carter's nursery is just in an "area" of Jay-Z's suite. Let's say Blue Ivy Carter's private space takes up 25% of the suite, that's around $20,000 a month for a nursery space that she sometimes sits in every now and again. Jay-Z and Beyonce spending that much money on BIC's sometime nursery makes sense, because studies show that little babies are so much happier and healthier when they're sitting in luxury spaces!

If I went to BIC's luxurious nursery at Barclays and asked her if she's happy, she'd stop playing with her rattle carved out of a giant diamond and say to me, "Googoojiggablahblahsingladiesgaggadrooooool." 

If I went to the playpen in the kitchen that my cousin's baby plays in and asked her if she's happy, she'd stop playing with her plastic blocks from The Dollar Tree and say to me, "Googoojiggablahblahsingladiesgaggadrooooool." 

See, haterz, THE FACTS DON'T LIE!

Obama's #1 stan and the sole reason why he won last night joined Instagram and she quickly turned it into her own version of an Angelfire fan page for him. Beyonce posed in a t-shirt from her upcoming House of Dereon: Obama Couture collection and wrote a very special note to all the Mitches out there on a striped silk sheet using a platinum pen full of liquefied sapphire ink. No, that's not lined paper and she didn't use a marker. Like Beyonce would really touch a blue Sharpie. She's Beyonce!

And why in the hell is she wearing vampire fangs? Did Nan Flanagan rise from the dead again and win the American Vampire League seat?

We already know that when a polling place in Lower Manhattan is cleared of peons and the walls are painted white and the windows are covered with white silk curtains and dozens of lit Jo Malone candles  are placed on every table, Beyonce will then sashay in with her votin' wig on and vote for you know who. The lights will dim, everyone will hold her breath and Beyonce's ladies-in-waiting will aim electronic fans at her as she pulls out her custom-made House of Dereon platinum voting wand and places it on Obama's name. Then everyone will exhale and she'll dramatically turn around and sing an election day version of Forever Your Girl. Here's some sample lyrics:

Hey Bama, you gotta remember
I'm forever your girl
Bama forever and ever and ever
You know I am

Bama pick your head up
Come on and look me in the face
'Cause I can tell that somethin' is bringin' you down
(Why are you down?)

Is it the rumor that another candidate wants to take your place?
(I hear he's after your vote)
Have you been hearin' the stories, they're goin' around?
(All of Fox News is talkin')

Bama, just remember I gave you my vote
Ain't Romney gonna tear us apart
He could promise the moon and the stars above
Even if he promised me a tax break

Just remember I'm forever your gurrr-er-earl

In short: Beyonce is Obama's biggest stan and so of course she's voting for her ass. And last night, she made it clear AGAIN by writing him an open letter and putting it up on her site:

So where is Melissa Joan Hart's "Dear Mittens, I'm Forever Your Girl" open letter?! Explain that, Clarissa.

And I can't wait until tonight when CNN breaks into election day results to report that a 4th grader at an elementary school in Houston is accusing Beyonce of stealing the letter to Obama she wrote. That Beyonce can't stop thieving even on election day. SHAME. LESS.

Because Beyonce is a highly-talented and skilled thespian whose daddy did her wrong by not buying her an Oscar for delivering the line "I'll show you crazy!" in Obsessed, Clint Eastwood cast her in the 10 millionth remake of A Star Is Born. They were supposed to start shooting several centuries ago, but because Beyonce got busy with feeding liquid gold to the chosen one and Clint Eastwood was too busy fighting with chairs, that mess never went into pre-production. And now, Beyonce is exiting stage left and she's blaming it on "scheduling conflicts." Yeah, that's just a publicist's way of saying that Beyonce doesn't want to have to get crazy on some pepaw ass when Clint starts dissing her man, Obama, on set. That's a shame, because I really want to see Invisible Obama get up out of his chair when Beyonce and Clint start fighting about him.

Variety says that even though this remake is turning about to be a disaster, Clint still wants to make it and now he wants to cast jazz singer and Belieber enemy, Esperanza Spalding, in the Judy Garland/Barbra Streisand role. Clint can't even make an offer to Esperanza until they cast the male lead and every actor in Hollywood is running from that role like it's some stank puss. Christian Bale turned it down. Leonardo DiCatchAHo shook his head no to it. And even Tommy Girl, who LOVES musicals, doesn't want any part of it. Clint is trying to get Bradley Cooper, but so far, nothing.

Screw Beyonce and screw Bradley Cooper! Clint doesn't need them. Clint Eastwood should show them all by casting himself in the Kris Kristofferson role and a chair with a wig on it in the Babs role. A wig-wearing chair has more acting talent than Beyonce, anyway.

It's only been eight months since the reincarnation of Jesus was born and named after a Central Florida strip club, but Hollywood Life is saying that the makers of Creme de la Mer diaper cream and chinchilla bibs are getting ready for more orders, because Beyonce and Jay-Z are having another chosen child of the 1%. Beyonce went to a restaurant in the Washington Heights neighborhood of Manhattan a couple of nights ago and if you tilt your head, squint your eyes and try to imagine smelling the scent of sweat gathered under a first trimester baby pillow, you sort of see a bump there...but not really. Beyonce's probably just clenching her stomach to push out an after-dinner fart.

Some source also tells Media Takeout that Beyonce is about 3 months knocked up and will have her second kid sometime in the spring and will probably name it Thistle Hibiscus (the color blue and plants are so 2012). But Tina Knowles tells Access Hollywood that tabloid reporters shouldn't run to Tribeca to knock on every apartment door hoping to find a pregnant South American surrogate, because Beyonce's Tempur-Pedic baby pillows are still hanging in her closet and she's not pregnant, but "it’s gonna happen when it’s time, but not right now.”

Normally, I wouldn't trust one word coming out of Tina Knowles' mouth, because she promised eternal happiness to Ariel and we all know what happened there, but I believe her this time. If Beyonce was expecting another chosen one, she wouldn't make it be known by flashing a tiny bump at a restaurant in Washington Heights! Beyonce would stay hidden for months and then on the night of the presidential inauguration ball in January, she'd put on a Lady Liberty costume, sit on a giant bald eagle and wave as she's lowered onto the stage. As soon as her foot stepped onto the stage, she'd rip off her gown to unveil a giant bump with an American flag (but instead of stars, there'd be tiny Beyonce & Jay-Z heads on the blue part) painted on it. When Beyonce announces shit, Beyonce ANNOUNCES shit.

Although, Basement Baby went to an amfAR gala in Milan the other night and she did look like she was carrying a baby up in her afro....