Beyonce

The Associated Press has confirmed that Beyonce will sing Barack and Michelle Obama's first dance on inauguration night. That's if Solange doesn't break out of the basement, hitchhike to DC and throw spaghetti sauce all over Sasha Fierce so that Aretha Franklin will mistake her for the main course. And then Solange will magically perform in her place.

A rep for the Presidential Inaugration Committee wouldn't say what she's going to sing, "It is our hope that we can keep the song secret until the moment."

I really hope the Obamas are rehearsing the Single Ladies dance right now. And if that's not the song BeyonceSashaWhatever is going to sing, then I hope Single Ladies is the encore with the Bidens doing the honors.

Sasha Fierce has two new videos for the gays to shake their ass lips on YouTube to. Two. Double the mess. You know, if Beyonce wasn't an OMGBIGGESTSTARINDAWORLD, she would be one of those YouTube bitches who put out a video every damn twenty seconds, because "they have so much to give the world."

Beyonce's first new video is for Diva. It's just Beyonce trying to be a vanguard and true artist. Everything you would expect from her ego. I almost hit the little X in the corner after the first 5 seconds, because of those fugly ass cat toy sunglasses. Bitch needs to stop this shit and go wash a few dirty cars with those things. The rest of the video looks like an America's Next Top Model photo shoot. Actually, I think the scene of Sasha Fierce with the mannequins was inspired by Johanna's project on Stylista.

And Sasha Fierce made it oh-so-easy for the glittery gays of YouTube to show her up with this shit. Right now, they are furiously learning the fucking moves to film this shit in their mommy's garage using flashlights and their memaw's old cataract sunglasses with tinsel on the front.

Basically, Basement Baby isn't impressed with this video.

Now on to this Halo shit. I want to fuck my ears with a used dildo for liking this song, but I do! I was hoping Sasha's video for this would involve her painted in gold dancing above Jesus' head, but unfortunately she didn't go that route. Instead she decided to copy scenes from A Chorus Line, Flashdance, Shall We Dance? and every other damn dance movie. Skip this one unless your eyeballs haven't done their morning "rolling" exercises yet.

And here I thought that the "Single Ladies" madness finally retired, but it hasn't! The gays have already spread their glitter all over it and now it's time for others to get in on the fuckery. I'm specifically talking about small dogs and children. Above is Noodles shaking his furry ass Sasha Fierce-style. Actually, Noodles isn't doing it on his own free will. His owner is forcing him to bust it. I'll admit that I've tried this shit with my dog, but he wasn't amused, so he bit at me. He has me well trained, because I'm not going to try that shit again. He'll be out for blood next time.

And below is little Arianna who has already made the TV rounds with her version. She's going to be a big star.

I'm not even going to be surprised when Single Cacti or Single Lego People starts popping up on YouTube.

VIA Buzzfeed (Thanks Kristina)

Basement Baby's sister has a movie coming out next year called Obsessed which is like Fatal Attraction on a budget. Most of you might give this mess two minutes of your time if you happen to catch it while channel surfing, but this is the kind of crap I pay to see. With shit shows like this, the theater is usually empty so I can lounge about and laugh in peace! But I also love cheap thrillers featuring crazy bitches, strip shows in cars, Ali Larter, bad wigs, betrayal and revenge. This has it all!

Beyonce probably won't show us crazy, but she'll definitely show us shit acting.

Beyonce and Shane Mercado came fierce to fierce at the NYC premiere of Cadillac Records last night. Shane was kind enough to keep all his fierceness bundled up in order to protect Beyonce. If he really let it out, her ass would be knocked down to the basement with Solange. If I was Shane, I would've brought a gang of cholita beauties with me in case Beyonce tried some shit. You know she's mad at him for out-fiercing her on YouTube and wanted to get revenge by stabbing him with her cyborg hand. She was so filled with rage over seeing the real Sasha Fierce in person that she forgot to summon Solange from the basement to wax her furry 'gina pits (first thumbnail below).

Here's more of Beyonce killing Shane with her eyes last night. I also threw in some pictures of Adrien Brody and the always chichi-wonderful Toccara. Maybe Beyonce purposely kept her arm pies hairy to match Adrien.

First we had Shane Mercado, then Cubby, then the Big Girls and now we have this bitch doing Beyonce's "Single Ladies (Put a Cock Ring On It)" in the fucking snow! This eskihomo is shaking his ice nuts to Beyonce in goddamn Alaska! When I go out in the snow, I have to wear two coats and a fake fur wine bag over my genitals! And homegirl here is in a leotard and not much else. He doesn't even have his dignity to keep him warm! His manpussy lips must be frozen solid.

This song is bringing the gay dudes out of the woods, literally! If you think a dude might be gay, just play this song and if he starts to do the glitter bounce, then you have your answer!

VIA Mollygood

Adrien Brody still looks like Yanni after a sexy orgy with The Lov-ahs from "SNL," but I don't mind it. I just want him to pour me into a hot tub, feed me a variety of spiced meats and stroke my hair with a porcelain brush. Afterwards, he will smoke a cigar while telling his pet Afghan Hound: "Michael K and I made love so powerful, methinks I heard the god Zeus chuckling from on high!"

Seriously, I bet his unkept nut bush smells like Patchouli, rose water and Chinese incense smoke. That said, I'd breathe it in for hours.

Here's Adrien, that trick he's always with, Etta James and Beyonce at the "Cadillac Records" premiere in Los Angeles last night. Look how fucking hot Etta James is. I can't believe they had Beyonce play her ass. Etta needed someone of equal hotness to play her. I'm thinking Hottie from "Flavor of Love" or Alexyss K. Tylor.

What in Christmas tinsel hell does Beyonce have over her eyes? That shit looks like a cat toy. I know a few pussies who would go crazy over those things. It's too bad there weren't any cats around Beyonce, because they would've pounced on her ass and scratched her eyes out.

All the bitch needs is Kanye's horizontal blinds sunglasses and she'd have a fucking complete window treatment. Once again, I think she stole this shit out of Solange's craft project box. And in the third thumbnail below, I think Beyonce stole that shit on her head from Snow Miser's ice castle.

Here's Beyonce being "so edgy" and "so artsy" while filming her video for Diva in Los Angeles yesterday.

Shane Mercado and Beyonce have both been dethroned as the reigning Sasha Fierce! Cubby from 96.1 The Beat in Charlotte has shown them both exactly how it's done. Just keep your eyes up while watching. Don't look down. Trust me. Don't look at his fromagerie area. It will cause your eyes to go into seizures and your brain will start asking a million questions. You will wake up in the middle of the night screaming, "Why does it look like the Elephant Man's face down there?" Just watch his hot moves from the torso up.

And even the camera knows this shit it's hot. It's shaking its ass with him.

Thanks Taalsi

The hot piece that became a YouTube star by showing up Beyonce was on "The Bonnie Hunt Show" this morning. Beyonce probably offered to come on her show, but Bonnie said, "Hell naw! I want the real Sasha Fierce!" And that's what she got. Unfortunately, Shane Mercado didn't wear that sexy one piece number. It's daytime TV, I guess he had to keep it PG. He should have at least ripped off to reveal some cyborg nipple tassels or something. Beyonce has the cyborg glove, Sasha Fierce should have cyborg nipple tassels.

I can't embed the video, so click here to see Sasha Fierce in all her glory. You might want to put on some sunglasses when you watch this shit. It's full of glitter and I wouldn't want you to get any in your fragile eyes.

Thanks Robyn