Beyonce

When President Obama strutted down the aisle at the State of the Union Address last night, I was wondering why his main back-up dancers, Beyonce and Oprah, weren't sashaying behind him. But now I know why. The Empresses of the United States had something more important to do. They had to sashay down the red carpet at the premiere of Beyonce's HBO Beyoncementary Life Is Butter Dreams in NYC.

I don't know which one isn't worthy enough to be in the presence of the other one? If the Queen of the World, Beyonce, is standing next to the other Queen of the World, Oprah, which one is the true reigning Queen of the World in that picture? If a diamond is shining bright like a star next to a star shining bright like a diamond, which one is shining brighter? If a 9 inch dick is lying next to another 9 inch dick in front of me, which one do I lick first? These are the questions I ask myself whenever I see Phoebe Price and Shauna Sand in the same picture. These are the questions that keep me up at night.

As Jay-Z, a face-snatched Tina Knowles and a pant-less Basement Baby (I think her wig ate her pants) got on their knees and prayed, Beyonce and Oprah created an infinite holy light by posing together for the paps at the Life Is Buttocks Cream premiere. If I look hard enough, I think I see hairs sticking out of Beyonce's pits, but there's no way those hairs grew out of her body. Beyonce is as naturally smooth as Gayle King's freshly waxed taint (it's just how O likes it). Beyonce is obviously wearing a lace front armpit wig. Yeah, I'm sure Beyonce stole that idea from a picture she saw on somebody's Pinterest page, but when lace front armpit wigs become the must-have accessory of 2013, we'll all have Beyonce to thank for it.

Beyonce keeps a Beyonce library of all things Beyonce, but I guess these pictures don't have a place there.

After BEYONCE: THE CONCERT (with special guests Kelly Rowland, that other one and some football players) on Sunday night, Buzzfeed did a post on what they thought were the "33 Fiercest Moments" from her show and that post included 7 priceless pictures of her getting into it. Beyonce's publicist Yvette Noel-Schure didn't like any of those pictures and after a phone call with Buzzfeed, sent this email:

Thanks for my taking call. As discussed, there are some unflattering photos on your current feed that we are respectfully asking you to change. I am certain you will be able to find some better photos.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/lyapalater/the-fiercest-moments-from-beyonces-halftime-show

The worst are #5, 6, 10, 11, 12, 19 and 22.

Thank you very much.

Yvette forgot to add: "PS - If you don't, the Illuminati is coming for you!"

These aren't even unflattering to me. These are the best! I don't know which one I like more: the "giving birth in a wind tunnel as a robber is sticking her up" move (see: above) or the "riding a hog while inhaling dirty ass" move or the "GODDAMN! I said just the tip" move?

Team Beyonce wants to drop these pictures off the side of the planet, but I want to print them all out and wallpaper every wall of every building with them. I should ask the forgotten children of Destiny to help me. It's not like they're doing anything.

Just in case you haven't already seen this on PBS NewsHour or read about it on the front page of today's New York Times, here's Beyonce (at the 1:54 mark) quoting the most prolific philosopher of our time Sweet Brown after performing in BEYONCE: THE CONCERT (featuring the 49ers and the Ravens) on Sunday night. "Lord Jesus is a fahr" is what Basement Baby says every time she puts the blow dryer heat on high and puts it way too close to one of Beyonce's highly flammable lace fronts. Ain't nobody got time for a flaming wig.

Beyonce continued to be a wig-wearing meme-bot by quoting The Real Housewives of Atlanta's Kenya Moore (aka Beyonce's twin). Beyonce said that being on the halftime stage was GONE WITH THE WIND FABULOUS! (at the 1:55 mark)

Now Beyonce just has to say "SMASH! SMASH! SMU-ASH!" and "Backin up backin up backin up" during an interview and we'll know that she doesn't work her acrylics off every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year like she says she does. We'll all know that she's always looking at shit on the Internet with the rest of us.

via Buzzfeed & ONTD

Right after Beyonce used the Super Bowl to let us peons know through code that the Illuminati will soon take over and our souls will be trapped in her lace front forever (that's what that triangle sign was, right?), Team Beyonce (aka Basement Baby and a dusty DOS machine) released a ridiculous 60 second commercial for her world tour, which starts on April 15th (Happy American Tax Day!) in Belgrade and closes on August 3rd (Happy National Mustard Day!) at Barclays in Brooklyn.

In the commercial, Beyonce does the same morning ritual that Kanye West does every single day. Kanye's gays-in-waiting dress him in the finest royal regalia and silver leaf his anus before escorting him to an empty room where he just strikes cunt queen pose after cunt queen pose.

Why did Beyonce have to name her tour the "Mrs. Carter Show"? That name does things to me. It gets me excited, because it has me thinking that Lynda Carter has finally made dreams come true by putting together a show where she just spins on stage in her Wonder Woman costume for 90 minutes. How many people do you think are going to show up to Beyonce's show and demand their money back when Lynda Carter does not come on stage in her Wonder Woman costume? MILLIONS! And "The Mrs. Carter Show" also sounds like the name of a drag show starring Aaron Carter.

And here's who should be Beyonce's understudy on the Mrs. Carter Show World Tour:

Bitch lip-synchs better than Beyonce does.

via ONTD

I know that all of you missed BEYONCE: THE CONCERT (featuring the Super Bowl), because you were high on acid and scratching at the TV as it played the Kitty Halftime Show on a loop, so here's the full video of Blue Ivy Carter's mother giving us the greatest drag show on earth. Beyonce sang! Beyonce popped her ass! Beyonce left cuts on the faces of the hos in the front row when she whipped them repeatedly with her weave! If you have a 3D TV, then you are probably in the emergency room right now, because Beyonce's bulging ass eyeballs knocked you in the face and put stars over your head.

My favorite part was when Michelle Williams and Kelly "When Did This Bitch Get So Hot?" Rowland literally popped up from the basement for a minute before Beyonce sent them back to the unemployment office. Michelle was my favorite, because she served up some Verdine White glamour for days.

And where was Basement Baby?! My guess is that she was in Beyonce's dressing room and was the one who knocked the power out when she plugged a flat iron into a plug to straighten out Beyonce's after-party wig. Poor BB, she can't even flat iron a wig right!

At a press conference for the Super Bowl in New Orleans today, Beyonce strolled out on stage and told everybody to stand, which is kind of weird. Why weren't they already standing? It's Beyonce! She's more powerful and important than the President and the Pope combined. Even paraplegics find a way to stand for Beyonce. Once everybody stood (Side note: the people who didn't stand were immediately dragged away to the basement and will never be heard from again), Beyonce sang The National Anthem to prove to hos that she can sing live. Beyonce then dropped the mic and served everybody pâté made from her placenta to prove to everyone that she was pregnant with Blue Ivy Carter.

Once Beyonce was done hollerin, she started taking questions from reporters and of course the first question was about the lip-synching scandal. Beyonce admitted that she sang to a backing track, but she did it for her country!

"I am a perfectionist and one thing about me is I practice until my feet bleed. I did not have time to rehearse with the orchestra. It was a live television show and a very, very important emotional show for me. One of my proudest moments. Due to the weather, due to the delay, due to no proper sound check, I did not feel comfortable taking the risk. It was about the president and the inauguration. I wanted to make my country proud, so I decided to sing along with my pre-recorded track, which is very common in the music industry. And I’m very proud of my performance."

Now that we've gotten that out of the way, can somebody please send me the link for the live stream of the press conference for the Puppy Bowl Kitty Halftime Show, because I really need to hear what those pussies have to say.

via THR

Last year, platinum recording artist Blue Ivy Carter released a song (ft. Jay-Z) and in it Jay-Z rapped about how Beyonce had a miscarriage before getting pregnant with B.I.C. Beyonce and Jay-Z never talked or rapped about it again. But in the HBO documentary about Beyonce, starring Beyonce, directed by Beyonce, produced by Beyonce, edited by Beyonce, catered by Beyonce, costumed by Beyonce, production designed by Beyonce, choreographed by Beyonce and gaffed by Solange (Beyonce had to give Basement Baby something to do!), Beyonce gets deep and talks about the song she wrote after having a miscarriage. E! News says that in the beyoncementary that airs next month, she says:

"About two years ago, I was pregnant for the first time. And I heard the heartbeat, which was the most beautiful music I ever heard in my life. I picked out names. I envisioned what my child would look like...I was feeling very maternal.

I flew back to New York to get my checkup—and no heartbeat. Literally the week before I went to the doctor, everything was fine, but there was no heartbeat. I went into the studio and wrote the saddest song I've ever written in my life. And it was actually the first song I wrote for my album. And it was the best form of therapy for me, because it was the saddest thing I've ever been through."

Beyonce never says the name of the song she wrote and she doesn't say what album it's on or if it even made the album. And if you need to hug your heart with a puppy after reading that, here you go.

And on a different note, Beyonce's beyoncementary was put together using the thousands of hours of footage her personal visual director has shot of her over the years and stored in her personal Beyonce library. Beyonce doesn't stop there either. Beyonce knows of every Beyonce-related moment that has happened on this planet. So look up, you see that spider on your ceiling. That's not a spider. It's a camera recording you reading about Beyonce and a ceiling spider camera recorded me writing about Beyonce. We're not living in a nanny state. We're living in a Beyonce state!

Here's a few pictures from Beyonce's Instagram of her rehearsing for the Super Smoke A Bowl.

Wigless, denim capris, Chucks, a pearl necklace, lounging chichis and a suede blazer from the early 90s.... Aretha Franklin serves up more glamour than all of the Knowles women combined and she does it without even trying. A foreclosure notice goes up on the House of Dereon's front door every time Aretha Franklin steps out.

As the House Committee on Un-American Activities prepares to hold a hearing on Beyonce lip-synching at the Inauguration, the media is asking everybody about this shit. I mean, they asked JLo about this and Fab Morvan knows more about live singing than JLo does. The only person they should ask about Beyonce's performance is Queen Aretha, because her opinion is the only opinion that matters. ABC News knows this, because they asked Aretha her thoughts on the living singing not heard around the world. Aretha said when she first found out that Beyonce lip-synched, she let out a laugh and you know it was one of those haughty "HA! These amateur bitches..." laugh.

"[Beyonce] did a beautiful job. But, when I heard the news this evening that she was pre-recorded I really laughed. I thought it was funny because the weather down there was about 46 or 44 degrees and for most singers that is just not good singing weather. When I heard that I just really cracked up. I thought it was really funny, but she did a beautiful job with the pre-record ... next time I'll probably do the same."

When Aretha sang "My Country Tis of Thee" at the Inauguration in 2009, the thought of singing along to a track never entered her brain:

"I wanted to give people the real thing and pre-recording never crossed my mind.

In 2009, I wanted everything to be live and on the real side for the moment as it actually happened. Those were my feelings for my performance, but having come face to face with 28, 22 degrees I am not surprised she pre-recorded. She wanted her performance to be what she wanted to be and she realized it wasn't going to be the way she wanted it to be or she was going to be running a risk. That's probably why she pre-recorded exactly how she wanted it to be heard."

Aretha did admit to ABC News that she lip-synched the National Anthem at Game 5 of the NBA Finals in 2004.

What's really surprising is that Aretha lip-synched once. I refuse to believe this. Aretha is just saying that, because she's trying to make newbie Beyonce feel better. What a heart that goddess has. It's not possible for Aretha to lip-synch. Every time she opens her mouth, a solid gold musical note wafts out. I also refuse to believe that she has sung along to a backing track. That's also impossible. Every time Aretha is in the car and tries to sing along to a song on the radio, the radio immediately turns off, because it will not make music while in the presence of the ultimate music maker. Every time Aretha is outside and hums to herself, the birds turn off their vocal cords and shut the fuck up, because the queen is singing. Nice try, Aretha, but I rebuke that claim.

GQ has released the outtakes from their interview with the First Lady of the Illuminati and in those outtakes they ask her about the rumor that she strapped a House of Dereon-brand pillow baby to her stomach while a South American baby oven baked the chosen one in her womb. Beyonce said before that the rumors that she faked her pregnancy the same way she faked her singing at the Inauguration were crazy, but she didn't take them personally. When GQ asked about Beyonce's 250-thread count goose feather baby, she once again said that the rumor didn't bother her, but it did bother Mama Tina Knowles and Basement Baby. And don't screw with Greta Gremlin and a Hot Slut who has punched a basement moth or two.

"I felt like I kind of had to protect my mother, because when people made up the silliest rumor about me not really being pregnant She was there when I went through all of those things. And my sister. They were very, very defensive. It's not personal to me, and it comes along with the job, but the lack of respect—people will just go too far sometimes."

Beyonce then talked about how birthin' out Blue Ivy Carter was an amazing experience:

"When I gave birth, that was the first time I truly let go and surrendered. And it taught me how amazing that feels... Giving birth made me realize the power of being a woman. I have so much more substance in my life. And expressing that excitement and that sensuality and the connection I have with my husband—I'm a lot more comfortable with that now. I actually feel like my child introduced me to myself."

If you gave birth in a custom-designed birthing suite while Mama Tina fixed your birthing wig, Basement Baby hand fed you ice chips made from the amniotic fluid of pink dolphins, an ambiance designer changed the lighting to fit your breathing pattern and some out-of-work singers (aka Michelle Williams and the other forgotten children of Destiny) hummed the melody to "Halo," you too would describe your birthing experience as "amazing."

I once watched a woman on a stretcher in the hallway of the overcrowded delivery ward at my mom's hospital go into labor under fluorescent lighting. I wonder if her birthing experience was "amazing"? Actually, she'd probably say it was, because she had a really good view of the vending machine in the waiting area. If she ever got hungry, she could scream at her husband, "BRING ME A ROCKY ROAD BAR NOW!!!" Did Beyonce have a vending machine in her ultra luxurious birthing suite? I bet not.

Joe Biden knew the truth the whole time and the secret was eating at him!!!!

After the Times of London heard from people sitting near the podium at yesterday's Inauguration that the band wasn't actually playing and Beyonce wasn't actually singing The Star Spangled Banner, they asked a rep for the Marine Corp Band if it was true that she Brit Brit'd her way through the whole thing. They released a statement saying that Beyonce lip-synched her performance. Beyonce fake something? NEVAAAAAAH!

A spokeswoman for the Marine Corp Band said it was standard procedure to record a backing track and Beyoncé decided shortly before her performance to rely on the studio version rather than risk singing it live on the Capitol.

Yo Yo Ma pre-recorded his cello performance in 2008 because the cold weather and wind may have affected the acoustics of his instrument. Vocal performers, however, typically do perform live despite January’s icy conditions.

“We did pre-record it and it was Beyoncé’s decision at the last minute to go with the pre-recorded version,” said a spokeswoman for the band.

“We pre-recorded all music as a matter of course and have done since time immemorial,” she said. “This is our 54th inauguration… There is no question of there not being any music – it’s not because the performer cannot do it.”

Kelly Clarkson, on the other hand, sang live.

But Beyonce ripped her earpiece out and everything! Either Beyonce ripped out that earpiece to throw us off her trail or she ripped it out because she didn't want any distractions while she mouthed that song like nobody had mouthed that song before!!!! The truth is,  Beyonce only lip-synched, because if she didn't, her powerful, booming angel hummingbird voice would've broken the protective glass in front of her and lives would've been in danger. Beyonce lip-synched for her life, the president's life, your life and the country's life!

UPDATE - A rep for the Marine Corp is now backpedaling away from their "Beyonce lip-synched" comment and he's now saying he doesn't know. Beyonce didn't rehearse with the Marine Corps Band before the performance, so they used a track, because they didn't feel comfortable with doing it live. They aren't sure if Beyonce used a track for her vocals. via HuffPo:

Marine Corps spokesman Capt. Gregory Wolf said that because there was no opportunity for Beyonce to rehearse with the Marine Band, it was determined that a live performance by the band was ill advised. Instead they used a pre-recorded track for the band's portion of the song.

"Regarding Ms. Knowles-Carter's vocal performance," Wolf's statement continued, "no one in the Marine Band is in a position to assess whether it was live or pre-recorded."

Translation: "Don't come at us, Illuminati! We surrender!"