Beyonce

Beyonce is quickly on her way to dethroning JLo as the Queen of Delusional Egomaniacs. Basement Baby's less-famous sister wants to be called Sasha Fierce from now on. Ty Ty Banks needs to put down her tenhead shiner and file a lawsuit right now! I'm sure she owns the copyright to that name. That's what Ty Ty calls her vagina.

Beyonce....or Sasha Fierce's new album is called "I Am....A Stupid Fucking Bitch Named Sasha Fierce" and it's out next month. Slushy Fart issued a statement explaining her new dumb name:

“I have someone else that takes over when it’s time for me to work and when I’m on stage, this alter ego that I’ve created that kind of protects me and who I really am. Sasha Fierce is the fun, more sensual, more aggressive, more outspoken side and more glamorous side that comes out when I’m working and when I’m on the stage.”

The fuck?! This bitch should not be performing on a stage. She should be seeking psychiatric help for her multiple personality disorder! The signs are all there!

Is Beyonce aware that Sasha Fierce has a dick. That's a bootleg drag queen name if I ever heard one. I bet Sasha Fierce's tuck game sucks too.

Beyonce barely released a video for that "If I Had A Peen" song and she's already put out another one. That's how she operates. Her upcoming album will probably be a box set of 8 CDs and 4 DVDs. Beyonce will release a single and video every week for the next 2 years. Daddy Knowles stretches that shit out.

Beyonce's new video is for some shit called "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)." Bitch needs to put a lid on it.

The video looks like it was shot down in Solange's basement in about 20-minutes. It would have taken 10, but Solange kept running in and ruining the shot. They finally had to handcuff her to the radiator.

I feel like Beyonce's body was going through some shit while dancing in this video. It looks like she's trying to make a baby with herself. It's her "I'm going to shimmy that sperm to my egg" dance.

Don't ask me what that robot arm is about. I bet Solange made that shit for herself using old lawnmower parts and Beyonce stole it!

And thanks to reader Andrew for pointing out that Beyonce jacked this shit from the Fosse "Mexican Breakfast" bitches. Beyonce doesn't even come close to being as hot as these hos. She needs to watch this video below and try again!

The basement baby's lesser known older sister has a video out for "If I Were A Boy." I know. Isn't that sweet? Basement baby's sister is trying to have a singing career. It's cute and kind of endearing.

The video is some dramatic shit. The beginning looks like a student film version of the old CK Be commercials. Edgy, edgy. The rest is Beyonce bringing out the pure emotion. About 3:30 into it, everything stops and Beyonce proves what a phenomenal actress she is in a dramatic scene between her male co-star. It's like watching two snails try to dance. You know Daddy Knowles is going to submit this shit for Oscar consideration.

YouTube has been pulling this shit like mad and throwing it in the basement with Solange, so click here if the video above doesn't work.

Beyonce has a new song out and it's called "If I Were A Boy." I think the working title was "Tommy Girl's Anthem." The song is about if she was a boy, she'd drink beer, chase girls and turn off her phone so that everyone would think its broken. WTF?! She's speaking from experience. That's probably what she tells Solange, "Girl! My phone is broken. That's why I didn't get your call!"

If Beyonce was a boy, would she whisper more, because she screams through a lot of this song. And if she was a boy, she would have the biggest power bottom bubble butt ever. Sorry, Gay Al.

I don't mind the song so much. It's borderline musical theater and good for nap times (sans the fucking screaming). I like it even more when I change the lyrics to: "If I were a girl, I'd play with my chichis....."

And click here to listen to another Beyonce song called "Single Ladies." I quit that bitch after 30 seconds. The sound of pots banging and cats wailing is not what I need right now.

Margarita with one lime? CHECK! One of Mrs. Roper's old scarves? CHECK! The "I'm too good for this shit" face? CHECK! Five bodyguards? CHECK. Hoooold up. Why does Beyonce need five fucking bodyguards to protect her ass?

Beyonce, Solange is locked up in the basement all week. She can't get to you to ask for a job or a leftover weave. She can't bother you.

She probably has three bodyguards on her booty at all times. One is in charge of protecting her enoromous ego. And the other one is there because he's bald and everyone should have at least one security dude that sort of looks like Steve from "The Jerry Springer Shower."

And if Beyonce is going to have 5 bodyguards, she could at least hire hot ones. Hot ones who wear matching thong speedos while guarding their client at the beach. You know they hate her ass. The one in the back is thinking, "Why did I quit my security job at Walgreens for this fuckery?"

What in the "mother of the bride" hell is sleeping on Beyonce's head? Wake it up with a stick. Be careful though, because it might bite your ass. It looks a little hostile.

Beyonce is playing Etta James in a new movie and I guess she decided to keep the act going by wearing her Etta wig during a performance at Fashion Rocks last night. The wig looks more like a cross between Blanche Deveraux and Nancy Reagan. And it looks like wet cornstarch is the only thing keeping that wig on.

You know Solange was cackling backstage with her pocket mouse friend. Solange shouldn't have laughed though. Beyonce already got her ass earlier in the night. More on that later.

During Fashion Rocks, Beyonce joined Mimi, Mary J. Blige, Miley Cyrus and a bunch of other hos to warble through some song called "Just Stand Up." The performance aired during last night's "Stand Up to Cancer" benefit. Basically, except for Mary J. Blige, they all sounded like they had horny hamsters in their throats. When Mary opened her mouth, they all should have politely excused themselves and allowed her to sing the rest. I think Beyonce's wig was trying to make a run for it.

Miley Cyrus should not be allowed to sing....ever again. Bitch sounded like The Chipettes gone reggae. Not a pretty sound.

Here's more pics of Beyonce at Fashion Rocks last night. She also performed with a big fat douche named Justin Timberlake. He should really just go sit in the corner and fuck a bowl of Wheaties.

Beyonce and somebody else's waist grace the cover of October's Marie Claire UK and she tells the magazine that she's over being a pop star. Raise your hand if you're over her being a pop star too? Solange! Put your hand down. The basement ghosts will get you for that.

Beyonce said: "There is a time limit on being a pop star, yes. Being a legend, an icon? Absolutely not. I’m over being a pop star. I don’t wanna be a hot girl. I wanna be iconic. And I feel like I’ve accomplished a lot. I feel like I’m highly respected, which is more important than any award or any amount of records. And I feel like there comes a point when being a pop star is not enough."

She is not right for saying that. Beyonce has millions of dollars, sold gazillions of records, starred in movies and her family probably falls at her feet when she walks through the door. And that's still not enough?! Meanwhile, poor Solange still has to sit at the kid's table during Thanksgiving dinner.

In Vibe's September issue, Jay-Z talks about his marriage to Beyonce. Well, he talks about not wanting to talk about it. The two made it legal over three months ago, but have never officially confirmed it. Jay said he wants to keep some things to himself.

He said, "You have to have something sacred to you and the people around you. I shared so much of my life… I should have something to hold on to. I just think it's really a part of your life that you gotta keep to yourself."

You know Daddy Knowles is tearing at Solange's hairline, he's so mad over this bullshit! He's weeping like a butt virgin on his first day in prison at the thought of all the money he lost by not selling the wedding pictures! Damn you, Jay-Z! You made a grown ass pepaw cry!

Solange is standing a little too close to HoHan's private pussy. She better stand back or HoHan's greasy snatch hands will attack the Beyonce-hand-me-down-wig sitting on her head! Solange also doesn't want HoHan's twatty ciggie breath screaming at her, "Get your 15-year-old Full House ass off my girlfriend!" Yeah, Solange isn't 15 and has never been on "Full House," but that's the only insult HoHan knows.

Luckily, this didn't happen, but it does look like someone attacked Solange's dress or maybe it came that way? Beyonce probably gave her basement baby sister that dress as a birthday pressie and told her it was a Dior original, but it's really made out of orange silk flowers on clearance from Joann.

Here's Solange, SamRo, HoHan, Beyonce and Mama Knowles at Solange's birthday party. Was her party held in the basement?!

What's Wino's loss might become Beyonce's gain. Producers of "Quantum of Solace" are apparently talking to Beyonce about singing the next Bond theme. The song was written by Amanda Ghost and Beyonce would also work with Bond composer John Barry.

Wino was working with Mark Ronson on the track, but she can't be bothered with it anymore. Her spokesbitch said Wino "felt it was the wrong thing to get involved in." Cue laugh track.

Not Beyonce. Just no. Doesn't Beyonce have to go play house and haves babies or something?! I know Papa Knowles wants to get his money's worth, but Beyonce needs to sit down and take a break. Let Solange sing the damn Bong (typo, but keeping it) song. She'll work for oyster crackers and she won't be a bitch about it.

On second thought, the producers need to track down and hire Precious Taft. I don't know if she can sing, but does that really matter? The hot bitch has raw emotion. Clip below:

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