Beyonce

If you've got about 65-hours to kill and have already done way more important things like (don't click on that) playing your goat bagpipes, then hit play above to watch the long ass video for "Telephone" starring The Tuck Master (aka Lady GaGa) and The Wig Whisperer (aka Beyonce). Brace yourself, because Beyonce's acting will melt the glue in your weave.

Better yet, skip the video and just put a half tab of acid under your tongue and watch a marathon of Freeway, Thelma & Louise, Kill Bill and Changed Heat while eating a Miracle Whip sandwich.

via Just Jared

DAMN STUPID BABIES! Poor Solange will have to eat her nightly meal of a ham and mayo sandwich without the ham thanks to a greedy baby who may or may not be her half-brother.

Last year, a woman named Alexsandra Wright filed a paternity suit in court claiming that Solange and Beyonce's father/manager made a baby with her. The baby boy was born on February 1st, and yesterday a judge ordered that Matthew Knowles must pay Alexsandra $8,200 a month for child support. Matthew must also take $20k out of Solange's allowance jar to give to Alexsandra for the month of January.

A little fact that might make Beyonce's lacefront singe is that Matthew isn't officially the baby's father. Matthew will take a DNA test on March 1st. If Matthew is the father, the judge will determine a long-term child support payment.

Matthew has never admitted he's the father, but he's never denied it either. That might be why Tina Knowles put on her "divorcin' wig" and filed for the BIG D from Matthew a couple of months ago.

While Alexsandra is doing the gold digging shuffle, the rest of us are wondering how a judge can make a bitch pay temporary child support payments without knowing if he's the real father. Matthew needs a new lawyer. And he also needs to stop taking legal advice from Solange. I mean, I know she's seen every re-run of Night Court (it plays on the only channel she gets down in the basement), but that doesn't make her a legal authority!

Oh, and guess what Alexsandra named Solange's new arch rival? She named him NIXON! Yes, Basement Baby is getting kicked down by someone named NIXON. That hurts.

Before Beyonce gets doused with a bucket of metallic paint, rolled in rhinestone dust, attacked by a pack of wigs and sprayed with the sweat of a thousand Glittery Gays of YouTube, she looks like this.

This morning in Rio de Janeiro, Beyonce slipped on her custom-made "just rolled out of bed" lacefront and greeted her fans on the balcony of her hotel room. And by "custom-made," I mean Solange was down in the basement teasing and knotting that thing so it could look as natural as possible. Basement Baby gets an A+!

During a drag show in Brazil a few days ago, Beyonce slipped on Michelle Williams' career and aaaaaaaaaalmost busted her ass. I need a refund. I had the laughs locked and ready to go, but Beyonce's triple decker ass did not hit the stage. Just when she was about to go boom, her wig spread its wings and saved the day. Damn.

It sucks for us that Beyonce's nalgas didn't kiss the stage, but it's good for Solange. Because when Beyonce falls, the ceiling in Solange's basement drops down 2 inches.

via ONTD

After dinner with Jay-Z at Marea in NYC the other night, Beyonce just couldn't ignore her desire to create art so she put this work together using her leftovers. They tell me it's supposed to be a reindeer. Maybe this is Rudolph's stoner cousin Rodney the Red-Eyed Reindeer?

Obviously, Beyonce mastered noodle art while making a charity visit to Basement Baby one cold autumn night. We all know that Solange is the da Vinci of macaroni art. Beyonce learned from the best and she should really give credit where credit is due!

Source: Eater NY (Thanks Brian)

Tina Knowles is legally sending Daddy Knowles to the left...to the left (sorry for that). TMZ reports that the woman who is responsible for making Beyonce look like she's about to get her wig snatched by a vengeful queen has filed for divorce from her husband of 29 years Matthew Knowles. Cut to Basement Baby looking confused as hell, because she has no idea whose basement she's going to lay her head in at night.

Tina filed the papers last month in Texas. And just a month before that, some backyardigan bitch filed a paternity suit against Matthew Knowles claiming that his sperm fertilized her egg. Coincidence? Probably not. My guess is that Tina has been waiting to dump Matthew like a dusty wig, and his "Maury Moment" forced her to make it official.

I really hope Tina Knowles wears the above outfit to divorce court. That "Scott Storch goes to a White Party in Panama Beach" ensemble deserves a second showing.

If Derek Blanks shot an Alter Ego-inspired commercial for Nerf, it would look just like Beyonce and Lady CaCa's "Video Phone" video. And it's not a coincidence that at the beginning of this shit Beyonce looks like NeNe Leakes channeling her inner Alien Princess RiRi.

The wig stores are going to be working overtime this week, because the Glittery Gays of YouTube will be storming their shops to buy up their entire inventory in order to recreate this mess. Beyonce used all of the wigs (i.e. homegirl Bettie Paige, Double Trouble, etc...) in her archive!

And now I know why Lady CaCa (aka Zombie Donatella Versace) always runs around wearing bird cages on her face and half of Michael's craft department on her head. But I will give it up for her tuck game. Bitch finally shoved her junk between her ass cheeks and commanded it to stay. Well done!

Beyonce and Basement Baby's daddy/manager, Matthew Knowles, might be a father again, but the mother is not his wife of 29 years Tina Knowles. WIGS WILL FLY!

TMZ reports that a woman who goes by the name of Alexsandra Wright filed a paternity suit against Daddy Knowles claiming that he's the papa je'e of her unborn baby. Alexsandra, who lives in Los Angeles and is in her 30s, is about six months pregnant. Please tell me she's going to name the baby Sasha Fierce Jr. Even if it's a boy. Especially if it's a boy.

Daddy Knowles probably won't believe he's the father until Maury utters those 4 magical words, but this could be good news for Solange! With a new Knowles spawn on the way, she will rise from the basement. Sasha Fierce Jr. will be the new basement baby who has to sit at the children's table for the rest of his days. Solange will finally have someone to throw a side-eye at.

In case you missed it, here's Kanye West proving that he hates Taylor Swift people. While the adorable little mouse known as Taylor Swift was trying to accept her award for Best Female Video, Gay Fish stomped on stage, snatched the mic out of her hand and declared that Beyonce should've won that shit! Just like that, millions of FUCK YOU KANYE groups were born on Facebook.

YES, Kanye West took a mic from a baby! Bitch is running himself right out of this town. Seriously, when Kanye gets back to his MacBook Air, his CAPS LOCK key will be long gone. Even that bitch won't be a part of his fuckery even more. And Jon Gosselin is standing by to gladly hand over his used tampon tiara (made by Ed Hardy, of course) to Kanye West and crown him the new Douchebag of the Millennium.

Beyonce had a look on her face like "I DON'T KNOW THAT BITCH." You know that look. It's the same look your mama gives you when you get drunk and act the fool at family reunions.

At the end of the show, Beyonce won Video of the Year and instead of giving a speech, she invited Taylor Swift out to "finish her moment." Daddy Knowles is good! Suddenly, Beyonce has gone from Sasha Fierce to Saint Fierce.

Sasha Fierce will be the recipient of a Nobel Peace Prize for this shit.

Jay Z's bodyguard must have had a hard shit stuck in his ass last night, because he was in no mood. When Jay-Z and Beyonce were leaving a restaurant in Dubrovnik, Croatia, a pepaw pap (pepawrazzi?) tried to get a few pictures of them. Jay-Z's mighty fist (aka his bodyguard) wasn't having it, so he swiped at the pepaw's camera, breaking its light.

Since we all know pepaws are not the one, he fought back by throwing his tripod at Jay's bodyguard. You can guess what happened next. The bodyguard dumped that shit into the ocean.

The pepaw called the cops who charged Jay's bodyguard with fucking up someone else's personal property. Strangely enough, he was not charged with ocean pollution. Don't worry, Bette Midler has his number.

Why does Beyonce even need a bodyguard? I thought she could break jaws with just a thrust of her crotch? And blind a bitch with just a whip from her wig? Obviously, I thought wrong.

Beyonce needs to fire that bodyguard and hire posarassi fighter Quween on the Scene. Quween isn't the violent type. Quween would've made that pap disappear in a flash by asking him for some money. That is the quickest way to get a bitch out of your face.