I haven't really covered Beyonce and Jay-Z's controversial trip to Cuba, because who really gives a shit and this is coming from a ho who would live-blog Basement Baby's trip to Tijuana if she took one. Anyway, some politicians in Florida jumped out of their chonies about this and are trying to get the Treasury Department to find out if Beyonce and Jay-Z broke the embargo. The Treasury Department said that they ok'd their trip to Cuba, but they wouldn't say why (SPOILER ALERT: Beyonce and Jay-Z got an approval letter from their dad Obama.) Billboard says that Beyonce and Jay-Z's trip was arranged by Academic Arrangements Abroad, a New York-based educational company that offers group travel to Cuba.
Send "The Jayz's" (copyright: Dionne Davenport) the Guantanamo! Better yet, let's punish them by making them take the freeway over and over again.
Here's the two investors in communism strolling around Cuba a few days ago. I think I'm more concerned by the fact that shameless Beyonce has taken her copy+paste act way too far by stealing clothes from Basement Baby's dirty laundry basket.
Yesterday, Beyonce released a mysterious teaser trailer for something big that was going to happen on April 4th. The bumblebeys of the beyhive all stung each other out of excitement, because they thought she was going to throw a new song at them, but nope. It turns out her "something big" is a Pepsi commercial. It shouldn't be surprising that Beyonce releases a teaser trailer for a commercial since she releases a teaser trailer five minutes before she has a bowel movement.
I guess drinking Pepsi while you're under the influence of yourself and wig glue makes you hallucinate, because Beyonce starts a dance-off with Beyonces of the past. Whatever, I'll save my excitement for when Basement Baby's commercial for Mountain Lighting airs on Public Access.
Some people threw a subtle "err, come again?" squint eye at Beyonce when she announced that the name of her tour The Mrs. Carter Show World Tour. I squinted at her ass, because when I saw the title, "The Mrs. Carter Show World Tour," I automatically assumed that my dreams had finally come true and somebody was putting a hologram Nell Carter on tour and I didn't like being tricked. Others squinted at Beyonce, because she was calling herself Mrs. Carter and that isn't really independent of her, or something. But the Mary to Blue Ivy Carter's Jesus tells British Vogue (via Necole Bitchie) that even though she's not really about labels, she considers herself a modern-day feminist. Beyonce believes in equals rights for women, men, children and WIGS!
Beyonce on calling herself Mrs. Carter: “I feel like Mrs Carter is who I am, but more bold and more fearless than I’ve ever been. It comes from knowing my purpose and really meeting myself once I saw my child. I was like, ‘OK, this is what you were born to do’. The purpose of my body became completely different.”
Beyonce on if she's a feminist: "That word can be very extreme, but I guess I am a modern-day feminist. I do believe in equality. Why do you have to choose what type of woman you are? Why do you have to label yourself anything? I’m just a woman and I love being a woman. I do believe in equality and that we have a way to go and it’s something that’s pushed aside and something that we have been conditioned to accept. But I’m happily married. I love my husband."
Rush Limbaugh is so confused right now and doesn't know what to think, so he's just going to look for the answers he needs at the bottom of a bowl of Oxycontin. And judging by these pictures, the purpose of her body at that very moment was to take a huge shit, because she looks like she's a wet fart away from losing control of her bowels.
Soon, Blue Ivy Carter will look down on us regular peons both figuratively and literally. As Beyonce and Blue Ivy Carter were walking to their SUV after having brunch at Buttermilk Channel in Brooklyn yesterday, someone was able to get a picture of the 14-month-old chosen one. They were able to take this picture right before Beyonce's bodyguards ordered them to bow down to the holy queens of the universe.
But seriously, there must be some serious kinds of growth hormones in the diamonds that Beyonce and Jay-Z feeds Blue Ivy Carter, because that is one tall one year old. Blue Ivy's line on the growth chart is above Kevin Hart's, Tommy Girl's and Ryan Seacrest's.
It must be those Timbs. Those baby Timbs are so damn heavy that they're stretching out her legs.
I'm sure that when you first heard Beyonce's new humble anthem "Bow Down/I Been On," the first thing you asked yourself was, "What does Rush Limbaugh think about this?" Or you might've asked yourself, "What does a shit stain on a piece of rest stop toilet paper think about this?" Same thing, really. Well, Rush Limbaugh never disappoints and the human Whoopee cushion of lukewarm farts expressed his thoughts about Beyonce's new song on his radio show the other day. But before we get to that mess...
One of the lyrics in Beyonce's ear-killing song goes:
I took some time to live my life
But don’t think I’m just his little wife
Don’t get it twisted, get it twisted
This my shit, bow down bitches
So basically, King B is telling us that she's back and we all need to get on our knees and blah blah blah blah... Well, Rush, who is always trollin', thinks that now that Beyonce has married a rich dude, she's gone against her female empowerment beliefs and is all about bowing down to her husband now. via Billboard:
"Beyoncé used to be the lead for a three-girl group called Destiny's Child. And their songs were attempts to inspire young women not to take any grief from men. Essentially don't take any grief. Don't let these guys walk all over you. Don't do this, don't do that, just walk away. You don't need to put up with that. She's done a 180. Beyonce, now having been married, having been impregnated and given birth to Blue Ivy, she's going out on a new tour. And they may as well call it the 'Bow Down B-I-ITCH Tour.' She's got a new song, 'Bow down, bitches,' a total 180. Beyoncé's now saying, 'go ahead and put up with it.' And you know why? I'll tell you why. She married the rich guy. She's even calling herself Mrs. Carter on the tour. She has shelved Beyonce. She's gonna call herself Mrs. Carter on the Bow Down Bitches Tour. That's the title of the single that's fronting the tour. And the advice to these women is put up with it. Bow down, b-i-itches. Because why? She got married. She married the rich guy. She now understands that it's worth it to bow down."
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA! Rush Limbaugh should give his analysis on every new song that comes out. Oxycontin has co-produced some batshit crazy thoughts, but this thought sits at the top of the list.
And here's Beyonce in a new ad for H&M, which is sponsoring her Mrs. Carter World Tour. Whatever, I'm sure Solange's ads for Filene's Basement will be way hotter than this shit.
The Beyhive fell off the damn tree, cracked open and all the Beyhivers went crazy yesterday when Beyonce released her first solo song in 2 years on Tumblr. Nobody knows if "Bow Down/I Been On" is the first single off her new album or if it's just a song she decided to release to her subjects, because she really wanted to see them head bop their wigs off as they thrust against the floor to this mess of a song. The Catholic Church also announced that "Bow Down" will be Pope Francis the Fist's new entrance anthem.
The song actually sounds like 4 songs crashing into each other. It's like a car crash opera for my ears. In the first part, Beyonce sings about how her subjects better bow down and worship at the altar of her lace front and in the second part she drops her voice to do some rapping. Here's a piece of the lyrics:
I took some time to live my life, but don't think I'm just his little wife
Don't get it twisted, get it twisted, this my shit, bow down bitches
Blue Ivy Carter better get song writing credit for this shit, because the second line is the first thing she said as soon as she came out of the womb.
And if you need to hear this corrupted MIDI file of a song, spray holy water in your ears before pressing play, because this is an Illuminati aria if I ever heard one.
With that being said, I can't wait to see the Glittery Gays of You Tube twerking their asses to this in their mother's front room. They better pull out their Barbie My Size Royal Throne Playset from storage, because this song is going to need some regal props.
Beyonce is already on PETA's shit list, because of all the yaks and Andalusians horses she's skinned to make her wigs and now they're really coming at her for the sneakers she co-designed and put her name on. The "King Bey Isabel Marant Sneaker Wedge" was designed by Beyonce and Isabel Marant for PMK (stands for Perfectly Made Kicks, not Pimp Mama Kris) and several zoo creatures were skinned to make those shoes. That anaconda that almost killed JLo in that movie? It's on Beyonce's shoes. That ballet-dancing ostrich from Fantasia? It's on Beyonce's shoes. That photobombing stingray from one of my favorite pictures of 2012? It's on Beyonce's shoes. All the animals are on there!
PETA pushed out a statement about Beyonce's sneakers, because they're PETA and pushing out statements is what they do. They also don't appreciate that King Bey's sneakers are made of calf hair, anaconda, stingray, ostrich and crocodile skins. Here's their statement via Gossip Cop:
“These custom-made kicks come with a high price—and it’s paid by the various animals who were beaten and skinned alive or cruelly farmed and killed. Although most people aren’t as familiar with the types of animals (snakes, stingrays, crocodiles, and ostriches) killed for this single pair of sneakers as they are with the cats and dogs we share our homes with, these animals are highly sensitive living beings who try hard to avoid capture and suffer enormously when trapped, netted, speared, and skinned alive.
We hope that Beyoncé will choose to wear more clothes from her own clothing line—which features faux fur—and that one day, she’ll go completely cruelty-free. She can always choose the cruelty-free and “green” fashion favored by compassionate, chic celebrities such as Natalie Portman and Anne Hathaway and designers such as award-winning fashion queen Stella McCartney.”
The most surprising part of all of this is that they weren't made by Kanye Kardashian and they aren't strapped to Kim's hooves. That shoe is a new kind of ugly. It looks like a pile of white dog shit. It looks like a foot ripped off of a mummy's body. It looks like a straitjacket for your feet. And how many animals died just so Beyonce could make her feet look fuglier? How. Dread. Ful.
If you want to spend a piece of your President's Day gagging and yawning at the same time, then watch Oprah munch on Beyonce's b-hole while talking about the boring as shit Beyonce propaganda documentary Life is But A Dream on Oprah's Next Chapter. But if you can only take so much of watching Oprah suck on Beyonce's taint repeatedly, then go to Gawker and watch the grosses moments as put together by Rich Juzwiak. Beyonce's ladies-in-waiting are probably still pulling fake lashes and clumps of bronzer out of her ass, because The Mighty O shoved her head all the way up there. Here's just a few of the lines that Oprah jacked Beyonce off with. It's the sloppiest verbal blow job I've ever seen:
"You are the preeminent mistress of the universe."
"Your allure lies in the crux of the tension between hot and cool, so how do you balance that? Are you aware of that? That's you're hot and you're also cool?"
"You know what I thought it was, watching you [at the Super Bowl]? I thought, 'That is where art meets God.'"
"I always had a lot of admiration and respect for you, you know. I like dancing to the music, I like playing it when I'm working out, but after watching Life is But A Dream, I have to tell you that I came away being reminded of that line in a Maya Angelou poem that says, 'You make me proud to spell my name W-O-M-A-N.'
"Life is But a Dream is so great that you'r enot just going to be mistress of the universe, you are now BELOVED mistress of the universe."
Well, I guess I have to get new lines, because that is exactly what I was planning to say to Shauna Sand if I ever met her. What kind of stuff did Oprah smoke out of her bong before this interview, because damn. I know Oprah usually licks her guest's ass, but she practically touched Beyonce's intestines with her tongue. Beyonce looked like she was getting ready to run just in case Oprah's tried to skin and wear her.
And Oprah needs to know that there's only ONE mistress of the universe and her name is She-Ra!
QUICK! Grab a piece of paper, poke a hole into it, hold it up to the screen and look at the picture of Blue Ivy Carter's face through it or her gloriousness will burn your eyes.
Beyonce shows us the chosen one's full face in her Beyoncementary, which airs tomorrow, but a picture from the documentary has leaked and is spreading all over the internet. It's been a year since we've seen Blue Ivy Carter's face and yes, she's totally Jay-Z's daughter.
And yes, Blue Ivy Carter's eyebrow situation is already in a league of its own, but I really wish she would've worn her diamond encrusted halo for the cameras.
When President Obama strutted down the aisle at the State of the Union Address last night, I was wondering why his main back-up dancers, Beyonce and Oprah, weren't sashaying behind him. But now I know why. The Empresses of the United States had something more important to do. They had to sashay down the red carpet at the premiere of Beyonce's HBO Beyoncementary Life Is Butter Dreams in NYC.
I don't know which one isn't worthy enough to be in the presence of the other one? If the Queen of the World, Beyonce, is standing next to the other Queen of the World, Oprah, which one is the true reigning Queen of the World in that picture? If a diamond is shining bright like a star next to a star shining bright like a diamond, which one is shining brighter? If a 9 inch dick is lying next to another 9 inch dick in front of me, which one do I lick first? These are the questions I ask myself whenever I see Phoebe Price and Shauna Sand in the same picture. These are the questions that keep me up at night.
As Jay-Z, a face-snatched Tina Knowles and a pant-less Basement Baby (I think her wig ate her pants) got on their knees and prayed, Beyonce and Oprah created an infinite holy light by posing together for the paps at the Life Is Buttocks Cream premiere. If I look hard enough, I think I see hairs sticking out of Beyonce's pits, but there's no way those hairs grew out of her body. Beyonce is as naturally smooth as Gayle King's freshly waxed taint (it's just how O likes it). Beyonce is obviously wearing a lace front armpit wig. Yeah, I'm sure Beyonce stole that idea from a picture she saw on somebody's Pinterest page, but when lace front armpit wigs become the must-have accessory of 2013, we'll all have Beyonce to thank for it.