Beyonce

Skeletor looks like death! Well, more than usual. He looks like he could use an order of hamburger fries and a blood transfusion. He should bite on JLo's ass. I'm sure there's plenty of protein in there.

JLo told UsWeekly at that Costume thingey last night that her twins are "fantastic!" Hobag please. You know that bitch hasn't seen them since their $6 million photo shoot. The reporter should have asked her what their names are. She totally would have said, "Uh...uh...Dragon Tales twins?" Bingo!

Here's more of these skanks last night. I also threw in some Beyonce who looks like she's sucking in a baby bump. Spanx should really come out with a line of "baby bump concealers" for celebrities.

Beyonce is pregnant and that's the reason why she "rushed" her wedding to Jay-Z. That's what a source told Hollyscoop.

The source said, "Beyonce is 100% pregnant." They claims Beyonce and Jay-Z got married so quickly because of her strong Christian beliefs.

I'm glad she's 100% pregnant! Imagine if she was 25% pregnant? That would have been odd and very uncomfortable for her. And didn't her Christian beliefs tell her it's wrong to get it in the coot before marriage?

This is the thing, if it's not wedding rumors, it's baby rumors. If it's not baby rumors, it's break-up rumors. Rinse and repeat!

If Beyonce isn't knocked up, she should really consider adopting a needy child. The needy child I'm talking about is Solange.

Actually don't wake me, just slip the pics under my pillow and give me a nice slap on the ass. You get extra points if you whisper "sweet buns" into my ear before leaving my room. Anyway (and a big anyway), Beyonce and Jay-Z filed their signed marriage license on Friday in Scarsdale, NY.

People reports that the town clerk said April 4th is listed as their wedding date. Bey and Jay still haven't confirmed to their adoring public. The license was filed more than 5 day after the wedding, but it will be processed without penalty. The town clerk claimed the penalty is usually waived. LIES! They should have rejected the license just to say they did. The town clerk should have tore up the license, stuck it in her mouth and then arrested them on the spot. I hate missed opportunities.

I guess that confirms that. BLAH!

Everyone's favorite maybe newlyweds, Beyonce and Jay-Z, are already fighting. Yup, that's what marriage does to a couple. The magic is working!

The two were partying at the Hollywood Bowl where Jay-Z was playing a show. The DJ at the show decided to play their song, "Crazy in Love." Jay screamed at B, “Fuck that. Sorry Bey but fuck that - let’s play something else.” I feel the same way whenever that song starts playing on my iTunes. I tell my laptop the same thing.

Beyonce stormed off. A source said, “He meant it as a joke, but Beyonce didn’t take it that way. After he came off stage, she confronted him, demanding to know what the hell his comments had been about. She was gesturing wildly and not looking happy."

They managed to kiss and make up. Boring! I was hoping Bey called up Solange to come down with all her jewelry on to beat down on Jay-Z.

The source also said Bey and Jay were showing off "their tattooed wedding ring fingers. Both have ‘IV’ - the date of their wedding’ - inked on."

Maybe they haven't confirmed their marriage, because Jay knows the curse. He's waiting to see if they last the month or not.

Source

Rush & Molloy has a little item this morning about Beyonce retiring from performing after her next album. The coffee I was about to drink, jumped out of the cup and landed on my screen, because it knew it was going to end up there anyway. There's no way this will EVER happen. Daddy Knowles is not done.

Her cousin, Angelica Knowles, said Beyonce will spend the rest of her days scouting talent for Jay-Z's label, The Cartier Music Group. Beyonce has already discovered some chick named Chelsea Thomas.

Angelica Knowles my ass! That was Solange who said it. Solange! Stop spreading lies about Beyonce. When she finds out, she'll tie your weave to the bottom of her Louboutin and then she'll bust out the "Crazy in Love" dance. It's not going to be pretty.

Beyonce and Jay-Z sat courtside at the Rockets vs. Suns game last night in Houston and both were not wearing wedding rings. I find myself blowing up pictures of them and carefully searching for the slightest glimmer of a ring. Pathetic! Why do I care so much? Even Solange is cackling at me. I bet this was all planned from the beginning by Papa Knowles. They are getting so much attention, because they haven't confirmed their marriage.

Papa Joe Simpson is probably beating his willy with a wet paddle for not coming up with this scheme for his precious Asshole and Jessica.

You will probably see a gazillion pictures of Beyonce and Jay-Z this weekend, so I will give you a slight break from that. Besides, pussy love is a strong kind of love. Pussy love is unbreakable and that's the kind of love BeyBey and Jay have. Not really, but I thought I would at least try to be sentimental.

So...so...so...there's no official confirmation, but a friend of the couple told People Magazine, "It happened earlier this evening. Jay wanted it to be a really private affair – close friends and family."

If they weren't married, I'm going to break into BeyBey's house and cut up all her prized wigs! That whole "are they getting married" thing that went down yesterday was ridiculous. It felt like I was watching a police standoff. One minute, flowers were going in. The next minute, Fishsticks Paltrow was going in. OMG! Solange is wearing white. Seriously, I was waiting for a White Bronco to careen down the street.

In case you give a cheese stick, they had a very intimate ceremony that was followed by a big party at Jay's Tribeca apartment. Guests included Mama Knowles, Daddy Knowles, Kelly Rowland, Michelle Williams, Fishy and Chris Martin. Solange was also there, but I'm sure she had to work coat check.

I'm sure they will be married to each other forever and ever and ever and ever! In the celebrity world that means about 3 years.

It looks like that little exchanging of the vows thing between Beyonce and Jay-Z is going down right now in NYC. Let's all join hands and try to look like we care. If you concentrate really hard on trying to push a fart out of your urethra, you can achieve the perfect "I care" look.

The Insider has pics of different shit like flowers going into a building in Tribeca. Everything is built around white and Roman numeral IV. You can't write this shit. This is some "Footballers Wives" type mess.

InTouch reports that it's Jay-Z personal pad. A source also claims they are marrying in France next month too. They said, “It’s going to be May 4 in France. They’re obsessed with the number four and call it their lucky number.”

The above picture is rumored to be Beyonce's bouquet. If this is any indication to what the wedding looks like, I can't wait for the other pictures. I really hope her dress is covered in rhinestones, baby teeth and Solange's white tears.

It's the wedding of the year second! Everyone seems to think Beyonce and Jay-Z will be married in NYC tonight. The E-Biz has a few details that have been going out to guests. They claim the guest list is very small, the location was not printed on the invitations and guests were told to wear all ivory. The guest list includes Serena and Venus Williams. STA POWA!

You know this wedding is going to be a tack-tack-tacky affair if they tell you to wear all ivory. I hope there's one smart motherfucker that shows up in an ivory coat, but opens it to real their BRIGHT WHITE gown. I'm thinking Solange needs to do that shit. She's already been banished to a life in the basement, so she might as well go down cackling.

Lainey Gossip also thinks it's in the numbers for Beyonce and Jay-Z to be married today:

B’s birthday is September 4th. Jay’s birthday is December 4th. They have matching IV tats on their ring fingers acquired in Paris…

He owns the 40/40 clubs.

Tomorrow is April 4th.

04/04/08

4+4=8

And 4 is the number of times I dry heaved while reading that shit. They would totally get married today based on those numbers.

Beyonce and Jay-Z swaggered into a joint in Scarsdale Village, N.Y and applied for a marriage license today reports People. The license is valid for 60 days. Beyonce's rep wouldn't comment. Why didn't they just call Solange? She's not doing anything but sitting around answering Beyonce's fan mail. If you write to Beyonce and she writes back, "I HATE YOU." Know that Solange wrote that with love.

Beyonce and Jay-Z have been dating since 2002. There have been so many rumors of them being married, divorced, pregnant, aliens, blah...blah...blah... They were probably just bored of looking at each other, so they decided to play an April Foolio's joke.

If they are getting married then I expect an over-the-top tacky fiesta! House of Derriere better whip up a dress made out of albino alligator skin. You know even JLo is going to stand back and say, "Damn, they are too much!"