So I'm staring at this picture of Sienna Miller with Jude Law on a yacht in Ibiza and trying to figure out what exactly she's doing. Maybe she's telling everyone about how she was open mouthed shocked when she first laid eyes on Balthazar Getty's teeny peeny. Or maybe she's telling them that the back alley plastic surgeon who did her wonky tit job saved her some money by shoving the implant into her chest via her froat. But no, none of those make sense.
The simple truth is that Sienna is talking about sucking dick. There's no other logical explanation. If this was a question on a quiz, answers a, b, and c would all read: Sienna Miller is demonstrating a beej. And that's why I can't hate Sienna even though she has temporarily retired from the slut game. I also can't fully hate her because of shit like this:
Although, this is probably not what it looks like. Jude is just trying to see if that sock he lost earlier is in there.
Former gold medal homewrecker (her medal has since been revoked) Sienna Miller showed up to that Met Testicle thing last night with her on-again boyfriend Jude Law. This was their first event as a couple since they got back together for like the millionth time. Sienna wore navy, but she should've worn black to mourn her whory days as one of the hardest working sluts on the stroll. I know that every time I see a picture of Sienna with Jude, I throw the black lace veil my abuelita got me over my head and light a patron saint jar candle. The recession has finally hit Sienna's vagina.
Speaking of follicle-less dry spots, what happened to Jude Law's puzzle piece hairline?! It has magically been filled in. Usually Sienna Miller's touch causes every strand of hair to fall off, but the opposite has happened to Jude! Chi chi chi chia! It's magic!
But I'm guessing that the pubic hairs from Jude Law's dick bush simply migrated north to his head to escape Sienna's pussy. That's all.
Here's former homewrecking slut hero Sienna Miller leaving some store in West Hollywood yesterday with her current full-time fuck partner Jude Law. Oh, how Sienna Miller continues to disappoint us sluts with no morals. Not only is her vagina still carousing with an old piece, but she actually agreed to be seen in public with a dude wearing flip flops with a shiny suit?!
Jude looks like a greasy French gigolo who smells like coconut oil, foreskin fromage, Binaca, cigar ash and saltwater crust. I bet he's wearing a spandex leopard thong under his suit.
With all that being said, Jude (who might be wearing a fluffy merkin on his head) gets a pass this time, because at least he's not wearing condom socks.
It turns out the rumors are true. Jude Law snatched up three of his four kids and went off to Barbados to spend some time with his partner in homewreckery Sienna Miller. Jude and Sienna are spending their days frolicking on the beach with the kids, and spending their nights sucking the sand crabs out of each other's fuck parts. SCRAGS BITCHES!
Sienna has always been a personal slut hero of mine, so it is a little disappointing seeing her go back for fourths and fifths of Jude Law's peen. But I do understand. Bitch is just getting hers. However, I do hope she's protecting her ovaries from Jude's potent sperm. One of those needy baby things would slow down her slut game. That would be tragic.
Speaking of protection, does Rogaine make sunscreen? Jude should look into that if he hasn't already.
As I was downloading these pictures of Sienna Miller in Barbados, my internet and cable TV both packed up their shit and left me at the same time. THAT SLUT SIENNA MILLER! I was rooting for her ass until she did me wrong by using her bull dozer vagina to wreck the happy home I share with Time Warner! Bitch stole my main man right out from under me! That is a low blow, Sienna. Which is probably what she did to get Time Warner to leave me since I don't do that shit with him (he's been around).
Anyway, Time Warner says they are "working on it," but you know that dance. They are probably eating a five-course breakfast at the local diner while watching a bootleg copy of Avatar on their portable DVD player. In the meantime, I've put a Ethernet cable up my dog's culo and he's sitting on the roof with a wire hanger attached to his head. So...my connection is a little Jessica Simpson-ish right now.
And I'll also be checking out early, because I'm flying back to the land of Double Doubles and road rage for the holidays. I know, I know. You can file an official complaint with my weekday supervisor Spaghetti Cat.
Sienna Miller has cum full circle and I don't like it. You know, I was fine with Sienna Miller giving Jude Law's penis an encore. Sometimes, a slut's vagina just needs to reminiscence with old friends. This, I understand. But Sienna isn't keeping it at that. No, The Sun claims Sienna is about to make Jude her live-in dick. Why must the master slut shame us so?!
Some source explained it like this: "Last week they put the wheels in motion to live together again. They have told staff that they are in love and will be moving back to London in the spring and they will be living together as a couple once again."
What makes this especially hurtful is that Jude didn't know if he was ready to make Sienna his full-time fuck partner again. Sienna CONVINCED him. Thinking about Sienna on her knees, using her mouth to beg Jude to move in with her instead of using her mouth to lick on his peen lips is like a karate chop to my soul.
How is Sienna's bull dozer vagina going to destroy happy homes when she's got a b-b-b-b-b-b-boyfriend under her roof?! Sienna, think of your reputation.
Jude Law and Sienna Miller are both doing acting shit on Broadway at the same time, so we were all waiting for the moment they would be seen rubbing all over each other in public. Well, the time has come (no pun intended). Star Magazine says that Jude and Sienna spent their Thanksgiving sucking pizza sauce out of each other's mouths at Emporio restaurant in NYC.
Some source said, "They were offered a private table in the back, but Jude and Sienna turned it down. They had no problem flaunting their love right in the middle of the restaurant. They definitely looked like they were head-over-heels for each other. They came in holding hands and kept touching each other and kissing throughout the entire meal. They only had eyes for each other!"
This is probably just a case of Sienna's vag catching up with an old friend: Jude Law's dick. Their parts bumped into each other, shared a few laughs, had a few lube-tinis, barfed on one another and then went their separate ways again. Sienna was just taking a trip down memory peen. Because at the moment, I think her bull dozer vagina still belongs to Balthazar.
Page Six is saying that Sienna Miller was out buying panties this week at Only Hearts in NYC with her ex-fuck buddy DJ Slinky Wizard. There were reports that Sienna recently left DJ Slinky's ass on the curb, because she couldn't deal with a long-distance relationship. It's true. If Sienna's genitals don't get fed every 24 hours, we all suffer.
But some source seems to think Sienna and DJ Slinky rekindled their romance, because they acted like a couple while shopping at Only Hearts. The source added, "George was talking about how he was excited about their plans for the night."
HOWEVER, Gawker claims Sienna was shopping at Only Hearts, but was with Balthazar Getty instead of DJ Slinky Wizard. Also, Sienna and Balthy were caught getting manicures together earlier this week.
So basically this is looking like Sienna's vag never let go of Balthazar's peen. Sienna was probably just using DJ Slinky Wizard to distract us all from the fact that she's still fucking on Balthazar. That cunning slut.
It's also looking like Balthazar loves polish on his nails and silk on his nalgas.
The wives of NYC got to breathe a sigh of relief for a few hours last night while Sienna Miller was busy doing acting stuff . Sienna gave her snatchin' snatch the night off from stealing wedding bands to make her Broadway debut in After Miss Julie. The reviews are out and not everyone is jizzing words of praise for Sienna's acting skills. Basically, most of the reviews go a little something like this: "Blah sucks blah wooden blah boring blah....but she's hot."
The New York Times: "If Julie is written as clashing chords of conflicted impulses, Ms Miller plays them like a novice at a piano, plunking down each note loudly and individually."
The Associated Press: "Sienna Miller looks sensational: blonde hair done up in a quintessential 1940s 'do, her trim figure wrapped in a pert floral print dress that shows off her great legs. The very model of a seducer awaiting to commence seduction … And there is a relentless quality to Sienna Miller's performance, not terribly subtle or vulnerable, but compelling in its obsessiveness."
Sienna Miller is starring on Broadway right now with Jonny Lee Miller (that's the Ex. Mr. Saint Angie to all of us) and the two went for a stroll yesterday with his son Buster and her dog. I should mention that Jonny Lee is MARRIED! Jonny's wife Michele must be secure in her shit, because most wives would've had the SWAT Team, a dozen priests, several doctors from the CDC and the Cheaters camera crew on the scene at once. Sienna's wrecking ball vag would've been served with a restraining order and Jonny's peen would've been put in handcuffs. You do not fuck around with Sienna's skills.
Even Jonny's kid knows what she's up to. Dude has his thumb up like, "Yeah, she's a pro."