Scarlett Johansson

Despite there being pictures of ScarJo looking like she's shaking her fetus by jogging with Sean Penn, she claims she's not pregnant. ScarJo is not going to birth out a baby with the face of a sun-dried German Shepherd and the tits of a Samoan anytime soon. But UsWeekly says that Sean and ScarJo are force feeding their relationship with speed pills by moving in together after only bumping nipples for a few months. End well: this isn't going to.

ScarJo had been living at a hotel in West Hollywood, which she moved into shortly after she pushed the Ryan Reynolds out of her life. A source tells UsWeekly that 26-year-old ScarJo recently moved her things from that hotel into 50-year-old Sean Penn's house in Malibu. The source went on to say that they mostly just stay home and hang out with Sean's two kids who aren't much younger than ScarJo.

Every time I've moved in with a trick after dating for just a quick minute, it's ended in tears. Mostly the tears come from me after said asshole breaks my most prized possession (examples: a pair of autographed lucite heels from Shauna Sand, a Precious Moments lion figurine from my mom) after throwing it into the hallway. ALWAYS. Usually my decision to move in with someone I barely know happens because of dickmatization.

If the dick is good, I think that by moving in with them I'll have good dick whenever I want it! Like a never-ending buffet of good dick without a line. But then I soon realize that the good dick is attached to a douchebag who will change the channel to CNN when I'm trying to watch House Hunters International, and will hide my dog at his ex-wife's apartment after reading a semi-sexy time e-mail I sent to a stranger (that happened in real life). But I'm sure this will never happen to ScarJo since Sean Penn has a pristine history of being completely reasonable and totally calm in relationships! (But bitch should still hide her Precious Moments lion figurine).

ScarJo and Sean Penn both played the "WE'RE JUST FRIENDS, OUR GENITALS DON'T TOUCH" card when the rumor about them bumping nipples under a sleeping bag in a tent in Haiti (or wherever) started to go around. But TMZ has concrete solid proof that ScarJo was crossing her chichis and Sean was crossing his peen lips when they said that, because they are lying! I mean, do friends put their feet on each other's laps while having lunch at a Cuban restaurant in L.A.?! Of course they don't (they do)!

I wouldn't be surprised if ScarJo is giving him a foot job and using her jam as lube. And with a RED (the official color of ho shit) napkin over her foot, nonetheless. FOOT SLUTS! I bet they partake in foot fuck orgies in the back of a podiatrist's office with Rex Ryan and his wife. Nasty bitches.

In possibly related news, the health department has just revoked that Cuban restaurant's A rating.

If you believe unverified rumors from unnamed sources, then give ScarJo a "now that's how you rebound the ho way" clap for allegedly getting with Justin Long, Kidd Kraddick and Jason Sudomeorwhatever in the span of a few weeks after her split from Ryan Reynolds. And now Sean Penn's name has been added to that list. A source is saying that 26-year-old ScarJo exfoliated the skin on her chichis by rubbing all over Sean Penn's 50-year-old sunburnt sandpaper carcass. It all went down in ScarJo's bungalow at the Chateau Marmont in L.A. early last month.

A source type tells UsWeekly that ScarJo's relationship with Sean Penn first bloomed when she told him she was interested in doing charity work in Haiti with Oxfam. Since Sean is a regular fixture in Haiti, ScarJo knew she should ask him about it. And since talk of natural disasters, famine and tragedy regularly leads to sexy times, before they knew it, ScarJo was riding on Sean until her big titties smacked the coke boogers right out of his nose.

However, ScarJo's rep has taken out her left breast and slapped this rumor in the name of TRUTH.

You know, I still believe this. Sean Penn's strongest personality traits are RAGEY and CRAZY, and we all know those two things are usually the main ingredients in a good fuck (Mel Gibson excluded). And Sean Penn is attracted to ScarJo, because she has two built-in emergency flotation devices that will never EVER spring a leak. Sean Penn can leave his plastic cup at home!

Perhaps Sandra Bullock was afraid that ScarJo, The Bride of Mumblestein, would send Frankenstein's monster after her ass, because she denied that she's rubbing her chocha on Ryan Reynolds' ribbed (for everyone's pleasure) abs. That was a good move on Sandy's part, because I don't think she would've seen the mumbling wrath of ScarJo coming since the remake of The Shaggy Dog was blocking her eyesight. Every mother in the world was itching to grab Sandy's clip-on bangs in a fist and hack that shit off with a pair of kitchen scissors. My sister spent most of her childhood with wonky bangs that looked like they were cut with a vegetable chopper. My mom's rule was that if your bang tips kissed your eyelashes, hand her the scissors. No bang/lash love allowed! But back to Sandy's denial.

When Al Roker from Today (via People) asked Sandy about the rumor that's fucking on ScarJo's seconds, she said this:

"I think there will be a collective sigh amongst women across the United States when I say he's not my lovah. He's just an amazing friend for 10 years ... but I don't get his loving after dark."

Okay, Sandra. We won't believe that your bangs are hiding the hickey that Ryan gave you on your forehead. Okay.

Here's a few more pictures of Sandy's bang issue as well as a few pictures of ScarJo looking like a Chrysler hood ornament (sans wings).

Ryan Reynolds has never held up his hand and admitted that he's healing his broken heart by doing ab crunches while Sandra Bullock rides on top (Ryan Reynolds does ab crunches in his sleep, so of course he does it during sex times), but apparently they are dating. And apparently, ScarJo isn't happy about it. One of ScarJo's friends tells The National Enquirer (aka The Grain of Salt Times) that she called Sandra a "man-hungry tramp" among other things.

ScarJo still has feelings for Ryan and thinks it was wrong of Sandra to get on that shit before his divorce is final. The source also added these fightin' words: "She still has intense feelings for Ryan and feels Sandra isn't respecting that at all. Sandra may be known as 'America's Sweetheart,' but she's NO sweetheart to Scarlett."

Whoever at The National Enquirer wrote this mess has obviously been watching reruns of Laverne & Shirley and/or Three's Company, because who says "man-eating tramp" anymore? That's some shit Shirley shouted at Rhonda. That's olden times talk. Not only that, but Sandra is as square as Prostitution Whore's tits, so I don't think she could be a man-eating tramp if she tried. Maybe what the source really meant is that Sandra lives a double life as "America's sweetheart" and a cannibal hobo. That, I might believe.

THE GIFT OF DIVORCE! It was just over a week ago that Ryan Reynolds and ScarJo got peens wagging and chochas chirping at the thought of them back on the market when they announced that they're splitting up....and now he's making it official. People says that Ryan filed for divorce this afternoon in Los Angeles. If you're hoping that Ryan and ScarJo's divorce will get so filthy dirty that they'll eventually wrestle naked in a kiddie pool of oil in the middle of a court room, you better pull your pants back up. That's not going to happen. ScarJo filed her divorce response at the same time, which means they are probably going to play nice. No greasy ScarJo and RyRey nipples for now.

Ryan and ScarJo didn't get a prenup, but neither is seeking any kind of spousal support. They both list December 14th as the day they decided to take their genitals elsewhere for good.

There's a million rumors going around as to why their marriage flopped on the sand before dying. Some say that ScarJo treated Ryan like an unwanted dingle, and others say that one of them cheated. But People says that they barely were around each other due to their careers and decided that calling it a day was better than trying to work that shit out.

Well, fuck us all! Two celebrities not chewing each other's eye balls out during a divorce battle? Something in the eggnog ain't clean (Ed. note: I don't anything in eggnog is clean). Maybe Ryan wants to get that shit over with so he can go back to doing ab crunches. Or maybe it's just a Christmas miracle! A sad Christmas miracle, but still a Christmas miracle.

(Image via Fame Pictures)

Thank the FUCK it wasn't Rojo Caliente and Cynthia Nixon or half of Brooklyn would have to doggy paddle through the river of tears and barf pouring out of my skull! But sadly, the final break-up spot has been taken by ScarJo and Ryan Reynolds. Just like Dexter & Deb and Zac & Vanessa, ScarJo and Ryan Reynolds have decided they wish to pass their genitals to others and have pressed the pause button on their 2-year-old marriage.

A source tells TMZ ScarJo and Ryan are living in separate places. The source is probably my cousin who told me she wanted a waterproof Green Lantern poster for Christmas. Sick horny bitch! But I have the feeling she's not the only one Googling "Green Lantern Dildo."

2009 was the year of deaths and 2010 is now the year that love burped out its last bref before rolling over into a shallow grave. I guess that means 2011 will be the year of BIRTHS. This makes sense since the world is ending in 2012. I just knew we'd go out under a mountain of baby saliva, diapers and creamed placenta.

UPDATE: It's true. ScarJo and Ryan released this official joint statement to UsWeekly: "After long and careful consideration on both our parts, we've decided to end our marriage. We entered our relationship with love and it's with love and kindness we leave it. While privacy isn't expected, it's certainly appreciated."

What is this "long and careful consideration" they speak of? If I was ScarJo, Ryan would simply have to drop his chonies and lift his shirt over his nipples to save our marriage. Divorce averted!

GQ has named ScarJo its "Babe of the Year"!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you CITIZEN'S ARREST the cover of a magazine, because this is thieving in every degree. International supermodel and the flame in America's torch Phoebe Price is the only "Hot Babe of the Year" every single year until years don't exist anymore! It's in the Constitution of the United States of Fuckery.

Yes, if you want to get all technical with me, GQ left the "Hot" off, but still! PP's body temperature fluctuates more than my sanity levels so sometimes she's "Frozen Babe of the Year" or "Thawed Out Babe of the Year" or "Needs A Snuggie Babe of the Year" or "Charbroiled Babe of the Year" or simply just "Babe of the Year".

GQ better sprinkle some chicken seed on their office floor and get ready to bow down to their new poultry overlord. PP will own them as soon as she finds a lawyer in the yellow pages who will work for headbands. "Larry H. Parker got me the GQ EMPIRE!!!" - PP when she's done with GQ.

If you want to be a shameless traitor, you can go here to see ScarJo's Photoshop Award-worthy pictures in GQ, or you can do the right thing and spend time with the ONLY Babe of the Year below.

I don't know whether it's the make-up, the tarantula leg lashes, the dates with Botox, the face pulls or all of the above, but Catherine Zeta-Jones is starting to look like Auntie Ying-Ying from The Joy Luck Club. Seriously, I want to play a game of Mahjong with her, and then get her to yell at my husband for making me pay for half of the ice cream even though I don't touch the stuff because I'm lactose intolerant.

You know, I don't even know why the perpetually 40-year-old CZJ fucks with her face the way she does. Bitch is married to a zombie pepaw, so even when her face starts to wrinkle up like a Shar-Pei's b-hole, she'll still look young next to his old ass. But I guess since she's injecting Botox into her birth certificate, she might as well prick her face with it too.

Here's CZJ bringing out the raw emotion during "Send in the Clowns" at the Tony Awards last night. She looks like a scared cat hiding under the bed during a thunder storm.

CZJ won Best Actress in a Musical for that mess. Here's a few pictures of the other winners from last night including ScarJo for Best Supporting Actress in a Play (I can't either), Denzel Washington for Best Actor in a Play, Viola Davis for Best Actress in a Play, and Douglas Hodge for Best Actor in a Musical.

The Crystal Enchantress of the Ice has really nothing to do with music or movies, but the producers of the MTV Movie Awards (or the alternatively titled The Jacking Twilight Off Awards) lured him to their party by promising him a lubed-up foot massager named Daddy on his seat because they knew every single rhinestone on every single low-budget celebwhore would not shine unless he was there. True fact: If you see a rhinestone glimmering, it isn't because the light is hitting it. It's because it's winking at Johnny Weir.

So it's a good thing Johnny showed up, looking like the gay love child of Pee Wee Herman and his giant foil ball, because if he didn't there's no way Xtina's pussy would've done the Care Bear Stare:

But seriously, Johnny was probably rolling his eyes in the audience, because his no-no can do that naturally without help from a battery pack or light bulbs. Xtina should leave the pussy blinking to the pros.

Here's a few pictures of the other bitches at last night's show. They are: Shaun White and his fur nips, Xtina, Russell Brand, Vanessa Hudgens and Cover Girl Zac Efron, ScarJo, Katy Perry, Snooki, The Guido Don Knotts, Kristen Stewart and RPattz.